every time i meet someone new
the first question i ask is always

"what's your favorite color?"

because what seems like such a simple question
with such a insignificant answer
means so much to me.

i believe every person has a color
that one color that just resonates with their soul
who they are as a person

and i always love when i can get a specific answer
more than just "blue"
because blue is everything from soft and unimposing,
powder fresh and feminine
to immense and expansive
ocean deep and holding the universe suspended in its darkness

my favorite color is red
like blood splatter gone tacky
a deep shade of ruby
the color of wine drunk
and a midnight bowl of splat hair dye fresh out of the box
its the color of bad choices
and intense love

his color is orange.
like a fox's warm coat
or the sky before the sun sinks away.
he is the color of finality
comfort and heat
he's the last chapter of a story
a satisfying conclusion
to me, he is orange, and orange is
all of the burn from red
with none of the hurt

he said
i need to say this now
before i ***** out
but i want to love you
I do love you
I think im in love with you
But im afraid
Of my feelings.

things in life always seem to change so fast
and i myself am remarkably unstable
so i keep the little things, never let them change
because without those tiny details
i might end up someone else entirely

she is small
and cute
and pretty

she has pretty eyes
california ocean eyes
and rusty blonde hair
pink cheeks
always blushing

she is soft
and warm of heart
she's been hurt
and i want to un-hurt her

she's a friend
i love to talk with her
just to see her smile

he'd had too much whiskey
and when he said my name
i could smell
the rot and stink
of a dead mans breath
on my cheek.

look around you,
enjoy the hair clips and lip gloss
those moon-shoes and silly-bands.
too-long legs and frizzy hair
are the worst of your problems now
but it gets a whole lot darker,
and not a thing will stop
when you can't find a candle.

it's been a while
i learned a lot about myself
but there's a lot left to learn, for me and you both
i hope you're ready
im ******* not

oh yea, i'm back
but not the same.
i don't think i will be either,
at least not for very long time
you took it out of me
really...

but don't you mind me,
im doing lovely
especially compared to last month
and i know i said dome things
did some things...

but i hoped seeing you would make things...
different? better?
and i guess there are
i mean, they certainly are different...

now i can't breathe
without choking on something
on my words
on my feelings
all of those dying nights
almost like they never happened
like...
a dream

but im back now!
im back and better and waiting
waiting for you to notice,
and i think you did
what did you say?
why did you want?
i don't even remember
but im glad you did
because now i have a reason to fix things

i'm really fighting this
making it difficult
it's kind of what i do
im not giving up
not tonight

i held your hand
(shhh)
and you squeezed it
(come here)
its an open relationship
(i missed you)
no one has to know
(i'm sure)
we can share a secret
(lets have fun)
share our sins
(just you and me)
and walk around the important things
(shhhhh)
crunch across frozen grass
(it's cold in here)
under burned out street lights
(so dark outside)
through cracked windows
(your mom will hear)
and whisper naughty secrets
(lets go all night)
find new ditches and alleys
(like stars in the sky)
no one has to know
(i want this)
what happens at night.
( bad )

i will always be
a disappointment
always distant
always getting hopes up
and letting them down
ill always love you
but i cant always be there for you
not in the ways i wish i could

i still talk to her
because most of the time
she's the only person that seems to want to talk

i fill time with her
fill the dark with her compliments
fill my ego mostly

i hate it
being such an *******
and having to go so low
to make myself not feel like ****

im starting
to not like my own work.
or myself,
for that matter.

i feel like my tastes
in everything-
people, music, fashion,
****, even my lifestyle choices
are all devolving
into some disgusting puddle

i dont know what you want
but if it isnt me
then just move on
cut the cord now
instead of straining it
until it snaps
because dragging me along
will only hurt me more
so please
unless you really want this
dont take it
because it's all i have left

why does it feel like the only person i want to be close to

is the person who stays the farthest away

its all just a distraction
a way to forget
that i ******* hate myself.

no i am not "*****".

but when people look at me
and want me
it feels good.

i like feeling wanted

im sorry
the only way ive ever felt loved
is when i felt *****
and wrong
and disgusting

i don't want you to know these things

but i do want you to know
you aren't the only one who's scared.
You aren't the only one that's ****** up.

i can hear laughing.
it might be mine,
but it isn't loud enough.
i'm rocking myself
like a crazy person.
i can't feel my skin,
but i know that i'm crying.
i can see the tears hitting the floor
in little drops, like blood from a cut.
something in me wants to think this is a test,
the gods pushing my will,
seeing how close to the edge i'll get
before i jump.
i keep telling myself
that all the bad will weigh out
and one day it'll be euphoria.
but maybe karma really is a *****.
maybe it really doesn't ever get better.

she said
you've been dreading
having to see me

which is reasonable
and mutual

so i'll stay out of your way
don't worry

lean into me
bury your face in my neck
cry on my shoulder
let me hold you all night
relax in my arms
whisper in my ear
how much you love me
let me protect you
from the entire world
from your family
and their judgments
from you exes
and their lies
do want this?
because i can give it to you
all of this and more
and all i ask of you in return
is that you love me
and don't ever stop

ive been dreaming
all week long
dancing around
like every word is a song
ive been dreaming
of you and me
about what could happen
if i left for the sea

a memory
of purple and green
like wildflowers
a silly thing
old love
fond memories
and bitter feelings
faded
young love
running in circles
chasing a train
confetti and adventure
old bones and lit cigarettes
memories of a day
when we were both happy
when all i needed
was you

for once
i agree
i think we are better
as nothing at all
im happier now
and i'll let you be the same
no harm done
in doing nothing at all

late nights
when I know he's leaving me
and I sit in the cold
broken hearted

fog clouds
and I hear them, the echoes
of her in their voices
I can't stand it

it seeps
deep into my pores, filling my veins
with doubt, anger, confusion
bringing it all back

take a hit and hold it in
**** reality
let the bitter smoke fill that hole in your chest
til' nothing means anything
and you can laugh at yourself again

playing chase under the 2 o'clock sun
catch me 'round the waist and drag me out
i'll kick and scream and try not to laugh
because you know i hate the water

tease me about how i've changed
gone from tanned and toned to pale and soft
let me wear your old sweaters and hide my curves
call me your pretty little thing anyway

let me keep my empty head
at least until i have to go home
let me stay a cali girl
before i have to strip the skin from my bones

looking for something
im not sure what
but something to make me
feel
its you
i know it is
but still
i cant have you forever
not 24/7
and now i have to fill your space
when you cant be right beside me
i dont even have words to say
i just want to be close to you

one day i will have everything you need
one day i will make myself enough for you
maybe even sometime soon
and when that day comes
if there are still mutual feelings
we could be something amazing

but right now
i know im not enough for you
and i dont want you to hurt yourself
waiting around for me

i want you to be happy
and have fun
and do whatever you need to do
to maintain your mental health
because it IS important

yes, i will be extraordinarily jealous
of every hand you hold
that isn't mine
but you deserve better than me
(dont get me wrong, im not going anywhere)
and it's makes me very happy
that you would probably deny that fact
endlessly

i love you
whatever that means to you
i love you in every way
and if i have to
i will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you as happy
as you make me

the world is turning
moving and shifting.
every millennia.
but we only get one chance
one life.
and in every life
we find love
and in every second
i find myself
looking for you.

we are all equals
in times eyes

i was
just another chapter
another character
i was
never special
or different
from any of the others
and somehow
i manage
to still make it
about me

i know it's dark
i know it hurts

it's gonna be okay, you'll be okay
i'm right here, right in front of you

just take my arms, fall forward
i'll catch you
i will always be here
and i will always catch you

i know it's scary, moving forwards
but right now, it's just one step
just one step away from that ledge

i'm right here
it's going to be okay
i'm here

the world spins so fast
that i'm afraid to blink
in case i lose my footing
and fall away to the end of the universe
without you.