here we are: our own paradise.
we’re sat in your green
hunk-of-junk named florence.
the air is stained with
the smell of **** and unrequited love.
you’re so comfortable here;
smiling, laughing, and singing along
to every song on the radio
(even if you don’t know all the words)

you’re an angel, you always have been.
i think i’ve always known, but i see it now.
your wings begin to emerge
from the hole you’ve kept them in
for so long.
they aren’t what i expected,
instead they’ve faded
and appear to be broken.
it’s as if someone had plucked away
at you for so long,
damaging every part of who you are,
the feathers have stopped growing in.
oh, how i wish i could fix them for you.
i would do anything to find
your lost pieces
and put them back together for you.

i ****** up.
i don’t know how else to say it.
four years ago, i made the worst decision of my life, and ruined everything between us.
i ended things with you. i told you i needed to fix myself before i could love you like you deserved. and i was right, i did need to fix myself, but i should’ve let you help. i shouldn’t have ended everything with you and i will regret it ‘til the day i die.
we were in love. we had it all. and i ****** up.
there’s nothing on this earth that i wouldn’t do to fix that part of us. it still haunts me; what could’ve been.
i know it’s too late, and i know you don’t feel the same anymore, but im convinced you are the only one for me. my soulmate.

soon, the day will come.
i won’t rely on you anymore.
the light will return, and i will blossom.
i’ll start taking care of myself,
i won’t depend on you
to pick me up when i fall.
because i won’t fall anymore.
i won’t need anyone but myself,
and when that day comes,
everything will change and i will be better.

i've had questions.
who are you?
why can't i believe in your existence?
i want to, i want to believe in a higher power.
i want to believe that there is someone watching over me,
protecting me, blessing me with love and guiding me through life.
but i don't understand.
i don't understand who or what you are.
why do people depend on you?
when do you decide to help, and when to hinder?
how can you choose who to save, and who to leave behind?

as she held his face in her hands,
she knew nothing would compare to this moment.
when she stared into the blank craters situated on his face,
she was mesmerized by just how beautiful he was.
she felt his gaunt fingers pressing into her waist
as she leaned towards him.
as she pressed her lips to where his once were,
she no longer feared what happens after death.
she no longer feared dying.

im losing myself.
i can feel the woman inside me
quietly ransacking the inside of my brain,
trying to find a weak spot
so she can take off
with the last bit of free will that i have left.
i can feel the life draining from my body.
i want to shriek and kick at her hands full of my life;
but my limbs don’t move.
i try to scream, but no sound comes out.
anxiety begins to course through my bloodstream.
i feel it pumping into my heart,
up to my brain,
leaving a blistering trail of agony behind it.
please, i try to shout at her.
i try to make her stay.
“i’ve been gone for years, my love.” her voice sends goosebumps all over my body.

i see you, love.
i notice how hard you're trying,
and i admire your strength and courage.
i know it's not easy, and i know you want to give up.
but i see you. you're not invisible,
you're valued.
did you relapse?
if you did, that's okay, you didn't fail.
are you only a day clean?
that's okay, i'm proud of you.
you have a purpose.
your voice deserves to be heard by all.
don't give up, keep fighting.

you were the moon,
and i, the tide.
you hauled me in,
only to set me loose again.
"i'm sorry, i love you"
bruises from the impact litter my spine, my ribs.
"forgive me"
the words emerge from your coarse lips,
begging me to overlook the torment.
"it won't happen again"
i try to escape, to fly away,
but the arduous grip of your hand keeps me on the ground,
cemented with a scar to show for it.
and as i stare at you, the fury burning in your eyes,
it's now me repeating those same words.

do you look both ways before you cross my mind?
or do you cut across the tracks,
hoping my train of thought hits you?
forcing me to think of you?
do you revel in the anguish you cause me,
as you dance around my consciousness?
do you bathe in the tears i shed over you?
do you frolic on the shattered fragments of my heart,
grinning at the work you did?

i spend my days craving your touch;
to feel your body against mine,
connecting on a level i've never experienced before.
when you smile, your dimples give me a sense of security,
and i'm overwhelmed with how much i would do for you;
how much i would give up to keep the smile on your face.
i yearn to be with you, to kiss you, to hold you.
and once i do, i'm never letting go.

he‘s the embodiment of chaos,
an epitome of insecurity.
rage travels within his veins,
eventually percolating from his fangs,
masquerading itself as honey
and allowing me to swallow it all down.
and once im bulging with his animosity,
he sinks his fangs into the plump exterior of my heart, draining me of everything i am.
until im nothing but putty in his hands.

he was tossing a baseball with his friends when he saw her.
she was riding the yellow bicycle down 1st avenue,
as she passed his house, a thin string linked the two together.
every day she would pass his house, the string became stronger.
the first day she stopped in his driveway, he was dumbfounded.
her soft, blond hair was pinned back with a small headband, but one strand happened to escape the confinement to frame her slender face.
she was the definition of grace, her slacks hugging to her slim figure in the most delicate way.
the string never seemed so robust as she neared his front door.
they spent that day together, in a comfortable and slightly stiff silence, led zeppelin playing faintly in the background.
in slow motion, he watched as she tucked the piece of hair behind her ear nervously. she caught him watching, her cheeks burning and a grin creeping onto her face.

and in that moment, he vowed she would be his forever.

seeing you with him hits me like a massive train.
im over you, i am. i’ve moved on with my life, in more ways than one.
but seeing you with him makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall. seeing you sharing our songs with him makes me nauseous, though i have no right to feel this way.
you’re not in love with me anymore, you love him.
and the realization that you don’t love me is agonizing.
i can’t catch a breath because he caught it first.
he gets to love you like i did once upon a time.
but, he’ll never love you the way i did.
he’ll never cherish you the way i did.
he’ll never get to see every layer of your personality the way that i did.

but he’ll get to touch you.
he’ll get to hold your hand and feel the delicate skin against his palm.
he’ll get to see how your eyes glisten when the sun shines, and hits them just right.
and he gets to reassure you about how exquisite you are or how angelic your voice sounds when you’re still half asleep.
he’ll get to comb his fingers through your hair, and he will get to hear your laugh every day.

i hope he treats you the way you deserve.
i hope he can give you everything i wasn’t able to.
i hope he teases you about your height even if you’re taller than him.
i hope he reminds you every day how ravishing you are, and never allows a time where you don’t have a grin plastered on your face.
because you deserve it. you deserve everything good in this world.
you broke my heart more than once, and im still trying to rebuild the pieces until it’s whole again. but i want nothing less than perfect for you. i know that’s not me, and im making my peace with that. i hope the two of you will bring out the best in each other.
i hope you teach him things about life that you’ve taught me.
i’ll never forget the love and envy we shared together. how could i?
i couldn’t forget the woman who shaped me into who i am today.
i couldn’t forget the love i had for you that was so strong, it continues to fuel my existence.
the love i had for you made me become a better person, it helped me to learn what love undoubtedly means.
it will help me with my future relationships,
it will help me to know it’s okay to love openly and exuberantly.
but most of all, our love will help me to say goodbye to you.

the man with the long hair caught my attention today.
something inside of him was luring me to stand by his side.
the weight of the captivating man's ambiance was suffocating.
i was drowning in the feeling of his life that surrounded me.
what was so special about the man with the long hair?
it's as if power was raveled in the beautiful mane that lay atop his head.
when our eyes met for the first time, there was something holding me there. Something's preventing me from pulling away.
there was something about his stare that was so bewitching.
i suddenly desired to know this man.
i longed to hear his story; to know why i felt so biddable just from his aura.
i turned to ask his name, but alas, he was nowhere to be seen.
and i was left standing in the middle of a busy street,
wondering how my life will be complete
without the man with the long hair.

anyone could see it; the way she looked at him.
the yearning in her eyes could be noticed from across the room.
it's almost as if she didn't hear the words he breathed so delicately.
everyone else heard, they heard every word of the painful exchange.
yet, the girl's doe eyes never lifted from their inattentive gaze,
and her feeble fingers never detach from where they wrapped around his clenched fists.

or maybe she did hear him.
just too caught up in her first lover's eyes,
too spellbound by his new pine cologne,
or too captivated by the image of him she created in her mind
to see he didn't love her anymore.

it's almost as if she were calling to me,
begging me to venture from the barren prairie
to the tantalizing surf,
to wholly submerge into her; to escape from my sorrows,
to inundate myself with the delicacy of her frigid surface.
i could hear her, muttering my name from across the meadow.
slowly, i was growing aware of how minute i had become,
standing in this immense field alone.
i felt the aching, and the longing for amity scrabble its way up my spine.
my legs begin to take strides, my entire body follows en suite.
my fingers shakily unbutton my blouse, tossing it somewhere within the paddock.
it was as if my body had a mind of its own, and was spellbound.
my boots are off before i can comprehend what is happening to me.
and suddenly, im unclothed,
my feet digging into the sand beneath me.
my ears ring as my brain swims and i can't focus;
all i hear are her exquisite murmurs, chanting my name
until it's no longer recognizable.
the ringing in my ears swells, roaring until my brain aches and my vision grows more and more white until im underwater,
covering my ears and screaming for the chaos to subside.
and it does. my **** body is submerged into her breathtaking sea.
never have i felt more at peace.