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Jun 2019 · 162
bleed
i expect to bleed
when i am cut open
and hurting
i assume the position
i anticipate the agony
i invite it in
like an old friend

i’ve taught myself to
get up and go
uproot myself when i feel
like i am rotting
and parched
when home doesn’t feel
like home
and love feels like a stab wound
that won’t ever clot

I understand

I repeat it over and over
Until my breathing gets slower
And my vision goes black
and i resort to being a
hemophiliac
i expect to bleed
when i feel anything at all
having a body as delicate
as a wilted flower
has never been easy
for someone who refuses to
drive slowly
or love carefully

I’ve morphed into a tree
Taking hundreds of years to grow
Blooming and wilting
In silence and stillness
Learning to accept that it is here that I am
And here that my body will stay
And it will always be that way

I was born to feel lost
Light years from home
to discover what it means to hurt,
to love,
to allow,
to trust that when i’ve felt it all
ill return to my home in the stars
Nov 2018 · 155
autumn-
Crumbling
Bleak and widowed
Nestled in the leaves of the fall
Like a blanket
Wraps around a child
Who still knows the touch of a star
Before learning “goodbye”
When a wave was
creation of light
And not of loss
Nov 2018 · 164
soon
Draped in white
A silk wire
Water and fire
We melt together
We form through weather
Hand in hand

We’ll make every season autumn
Paint the leaves in the spring
Boards on the windows
Keep the sun off our skin

Let love swallow whole
Every ounce of my soul
Whispers through the cracks in the floor
A place we call home

Let it never cease to be known
My hands were made to rest in yours
Your heart lies next to mine
Till the end of our time
May 2018 · 308
mother//spring
i’ve lost where i end and
she begins

on the surface, it is true
i love, i see, i dance, i move
we breathe, we laugh
she listens and waits
as i sleep, and i wake
still in disbelief
still afraid

the grass curls around my
pacing feet
and kisses my heels
as i apologize for breaking
her bones

i beg to be weightless
i beg to be free
of the burden of
not knowing
the things i don’t see

i beg for her to watch
how hard i am trying-
but my fear of dying
leaves me wilting
into the ground

please plant a garden over me
step gently over my body
ill try to grow into something beautiful

i swear i won’t make a sound
i swear that ill be content
as long as you’re around

--------

the importance of death -
i am reminded each spring
as the Earth awakens
and stretches her arms
gently caressing my sides

the importance of loss -
as it brings flowers like soft clouds
on the trees around town

it is now that she speaks to me
most clearly
like my mother,
my creator,
my body,
all one.

i feel the trees breathing
i hear them talk of colours they’d rather be
and places they would go
if they had my feet

i hear them talk of the
empathy we lack
the forgotten kinship
our disconnect from the seasons
our disguises and aching backs

but i’ve never once seen fear in their eyes
because even without our love
the stars come out at night
and the trees continue to bloom
every spring
with or without you
Apr 2018 · 191
//love like this//
A boulder forms in my stomach
It makes itself known through
Deep sighs and inevitable laughter
And it pulls me into the bed
As far down as this stiff mattress allows

Until I fall through
And I’m falling in an
Inconceivable direction
I’m lost
But I’m at home
Somewhere in the endless mesh
Of space and time
In one particular moment

I’d like to visit as often
As time will allow

Maybe I’ll see you in the stars
When I am nothing but movement
And light
And illusion no longer
Burdens me

A billion years from now
I wonder if I will still
Comprehend love like this
Or the feeling of my nails
Running along your back
Your hair brushing across
My forehead
The burning of your eyes
Looking through me
At the layers of time
That have shaped my
Body
Somehow to fit perfectly
Within your grasp
Apr 2018 · 440
this is all for you
Where do I begin

I can’t feel my feet
I think I’m melting into the moon
I think I’m melting into the walls of your room
I think I’m morphing into
The spring
My fingertips eager to bloom -
To plant something beautiful
Inside the depths of your chest

I don’t want to leave
The lack of doubt is foreign to me

And for the first time in my life
I let it be

I remember the pain
The doubt
That such a word would
ever again leave my mouth
That I could ever understand
My own heart again

You’ve broken down
The strongest barrier I’ve ever built
With nothing but
The softness of your lips

I am raw
I am open
This is me
This is all for you

I catch myself staring at the sky
Wondering if there’s somewhere else I should be
But I’m too busy falling in love
To even hold a thought inside my skull

My body is so fluid
I can’t hold my bones together
I think I’m melting into you

And for the first time in my life
I really don’t mind
Mar 2018 · 178
hallways
You hid the truth somewhere
As if no one would know
You set it on fire
the place inside your head you used to go

have you noticed all the people floating
aimlessly around our heads

and you think that you know
its not your place to go
left it only for show
thoughts like bubbles let go

its raining something other than acid
that pools around my body like glasses of
warm red wine
you stagger to the kitchen sink
cover reflections that peek from the faucet
just bittersweet

you screamed at yourself yesterday
when you thought it was someone else
crawling inside your ears
and the lights went out

insulted by all the expressions and
shadows
left around

you’d think after all this time that we
spent
laughing and mourning, you’d sort of have
it figured out
but you left me standing behind the
curtains
calling for someone I thought I knew but it
was only you
a beast is swimming
through pale veins
heavy chains +
blemished skin
irregular heartbeats
conjoined -
creating dissonance,
irregular patterns
in the surrounding
|symmetry|

we intervene
we beg for chaos and
hurricanes
on a beautiful
sunny day

we cant explain why
we can hardly make
a sound other than
our restless sighs
and heavy breath
echoing into eachothers'
ears

i wish you were here.
i wish i knew why

I always ask for
a disruption of peace

That keeps it interesting,
you see

lust is the razor blade
in a candy apple
your unexpected neighbor
gave away with pleasure

and just the same
love could never be simple
love requires destruction
and agony
to create : to exist
and our hearts crave
pain to feel love -
desire to feel impatience
the tug and pull -
dragging eachothers' hearts around
like heavy boots

i've been in love
and i've felt what
it feels to be torn apart:
cell by cell
and to be rebuilt out of
necessity
and i think i've had enough

i think i'd rather
chase you around like a
curious child at a carnival
with no tickets to ride
the ferris wheel.

i'll just stay down here,
rooted to the pavement and safe
watching you circle around me
over and over

if it never began, it can never be over.
it wasn’t you at all.

it was my bedroom.
it was the evening
seeping in, absorbing
light,
i didn’t dare try to make it
right.

i listened to the night.
it sobbed like a
widowed wife,
and i was a child,
afraid to love,
a dad who forgot
and a mom so lost
i watched her rot.

it wasn’t you, not even once
your hands were nice,
ill admit
but i used you.
took your lungs
to fill my own chest.

but i still couldn’t breathe!
how could you do
such a thing
to me?

i gave up everything
i gave up my hopes
my dreams, my life
you became a castle
that i couldn’t leave
i locked every door
and stabbed the key
through my abdomen wall

but i didn’t bleed
i only wept


don’t misunderstand my words
i loved you
so ******* much.
i asked for it.
i asked you to
choke me out
so i couldn’t feel the
self-doubt.

i asked too much of you.
how could a person be
a home to me?

fall in love with the trees,
with the creeks and the
bright blue morning sky
you'll find everything
you’ve ever
wanted there.

it’s freedom
it’s power and
beauty
and love
more love than i could have
ever supplied

don’t hold a finger
like a gun to your
head

you can’t love anything
when you’re dead.
Feb 2017 · 290
are you there?
it still burns,
after all these years

awakened, yet tired
my entire life, re-wired
and still a faint echo
could make me collapse

is that you, knocking?
too afraid to speak
a silent hello;
i can hear it, you know

i can sense the itch
and yet you think
i forgot you exist

a fragile mind never forgets
indiana himself,
splattered paint on a shelf,
convertible beach trips

our young minds conjured magic
a lion and a wizard
all alone in the desert

it's too painful to think
even harder to speak

that there's a you
newly invented
that I haven't met yet
Feb 2017 · 248
the formula
It’s such a disease
and I wish it was different, but it’s not
nothing can ever be the same as it was
and I know that now;
I wish I didn’t, but I do.

It wants to grab you and keep you close
And this time, I let it
I like to think that this is different
And that we’re different;
Two minds opposite and still alike
Found a parallel and began to twist and bend, but still we go to sleep when it’s dark
eat dinner at 6 and ride our
bikes through the park

I wish it was different, but it’s not
Some formulas you just can’t alter
As much as I tried to believe
We could leave a strange and unique star in the dark
Still you’re there, driving to work in your car
and I’m here; alone again in the dark
Nov 2015 · 345
I'm sorry
A fear hibernates in my bones

Contract, release,

The moment he touches me.

I flinch and freeze
As I apologize,
And he kisses my cheek
and says it’s alright

But it isn’t! 

My mind knows,
but my body remembers

The disregard and humiliation

That was planted under my skin,

And it grew and grew 

And I’m sorry, now, that it has to be you

To see it.

I place a crooked smile on my face

And hug him gently.

“It isn’t you!” I try to say, 

But I choke, of course.

It’s like a chore:

Forgetting the monster

I once had love for.

I’ll never be able to explain

Why it’s so difficult for me to love
Or why I'm so terrified of the word “love” itself.
I seem to have
Lost every
Ounce of 

Vehemence and 

Empathy
And I’m sorry, now, that it has to be you

To see it.
Sep 2015 · 348
luna
i live by the moon
a quiet, motionless slumber
until the break of morning
breaks my subconscious masterpiece.

i am alone again.
Jul 2015 · 721
a queen and a king
A lioness with crystals around her neck,
Dances for the world to see.
She’s worth all of the rain in the atmosphere,
She bypasses the stars and gives the galaxy chills.

The sky aches and mourns in her absence,
While she resides in the tundra.
It’s no wonder she hasn’t combusted,
Cracking like thunder.

Bubbling like molten rock,
Still sweeter than lava cake.
She only aches for the quaking sunrise
And unfair, animated compromise.

She stopped breathing years ago,
When the ground became stable
She lives externally and deliberately
Flying through colours agelessly.

She’ll consume you, she’ll ruin me!
The sooner the better.
I've been craving her thunder
I'm yours to ****. Feed my culture.

Enjoying this choking feeling,
Wrapped in silk in an auto-mobile
Filled with pillows,
So we can drive faster than ever.

She likes the taste of epinephrine,
and I like the taste of her alone
She drinks up the world’s drought
And giggles while we sleep, parched and shivering.

...
But god ******, I’d give my only breath to her.
Transparent like a demon; simply human perfection.
Jul 2015 · 350
fire and ice
it's like fire and ice
it burns but i can't move
where do I go, what do I do?
how do i make it stop
"i love you, i love you"
i do, i swear i do
it hurts but i can't
let it choke me like this
i don't want to be chained down
i live as free as the air moves
i hold pain and desire in the same fist
clenched and stinging
and yet you are winning
and i am losing the only thing
i've ever been sure of

the rock, the ladder, the map
the tundra, the arctic, the land
beneath my feet
is flooding, defeat.

i get it now. you win.
you're right. i need you,
but i can't have you.
and
it burns, but i can't move.
Jun 2015 · 488
Talk is Cheap
Talk is cheap

Three words spilled from your cheeks
Lavish, divine
Pinched my veins
Anaesthetized

Crevices in melodies and distance
Callous, defiant
My skull in your palms
A conspicuous inferno

I’m not a beggar
Don’t ******* patronize me
This was never our land
Never our home
You were never my castle
Never my throne
Mar 2015 · 713
Silence
When they leave, they always ask me
Why my mind can’t seem to stand
the way they speak of love so easily.
I've tried but I start bleeding, choking,
losing touch with where I am
and where I'm going.

Empathy confuses me, and it hurts
because I want to tell you about the place in my head
that thinks only of you,
but it exits my mouth with my breath and dissolves
and my voice seems to leave me,
and then they all seem to leave me,
and I'm left with nothing but
silence.
Jan 2015 · 407
---
---
I don’t deserve your affection.
I never once did, in fact.
My hands are much too belligerent
For an old, gentle soul such as yours.

Carelessness and disregard drove
A catastrophic downfall
On my behalf.

For words my heart has spoken
While omitting conscious thought,
I have carried the burden of remorse
In a tightly sealed backpack that
You filled with the sky and the ocean.

The very thought aches
Inside my bones and under my skin,
That I’ve crushed the only tower I’ve ever built
With my bare hands,
While picking apart my thoughts
In disorientation and resentment.

Though I was never able to pick apart the sky,
I have found the stars elsewhere.
I can only hope that you find yours too,
Because the ones at night tell our stories
Better than we ever could,
And those stars will always be ours.
Always.
Jan 2015 · 461
K
K
I wonder if the sea can feel the tension
Between animated words
That can no longer be heard,
But only said.
Is the emptiness enough
To drown the ocean itself
In pity and remorse,
while father time paces
In humorous strides?
Caspian feels no sympathy
And carries the burden of loneliness
With pride and honour,
Conscious power,
Hungry, sour.
Distance
Dec 2014 · 2.9k
Consistency
Sloppy rooms flooded with decrepit furniture
Feeble ceilings do not tolerate excitement
Skin can not withstand enjoyment
Discrepancies between hands
Consistency has been lost
Love has altered
And without
We cannot
Be one
Nov 2014 · 6.4k
Hands
Is it wrong to crave the hands
That no longer desire
The warmth of mine?

Despite the shame, guilt and tears
I can recall the texture of that skin;
Unkempt and rigid.

Street lights in the summer;
My favourite place in the city,
Strengthened by the grip between 10 fingers.

Turns out those hands had bigger plans;
A craving to explore and discover,
With new eyes and a deeper soul.

Left mine to wallow in self-pity,
Getting flustered upon failing
To pluck aged guitar strings adequately.

Sometimes I like to think
That the shakiness my hands feel
Is just my fingers shivering, naked and cold, without yours.
Oct 2014 · 841
Stagnant Heart
Greedy claws cannot claim ownership
Of a stagnant heart.
One who cannot feel, cannot be owned
By an affectionate other,
Who sees all but the blood
Trickling down stained walls.

I’ll place death between my lips
Before allowing the death of another.
I’ll offer to hand over each breath until there are no more
Before I take the breath of a grieving life
I will not listen to muttered howls
Or tolerate gratitude for phony medals around my neck.

I will never defeat paralysis
Nor will I slaughter yours.
I bear no swords or heroism
I merely count the phases of the moon as it passes
I am brittle, I am incompetent,
And I am content, as I expect no more.

These walls are fading, finally,
As all others do
Eventually.

I want what I can not have.
I can not have what I want.
I can not want what I have.

A lost cause.
I do love myself,
But I do not recommend doing the same.
For I am a stagnant heart
And I no longer feel remorse.

Cover your eyes and flee;
The villain has red-stained lips
And she functions in ways
even science can't fix.
Oct 2014 · 636
Alleviate
Daunting voice, you possess
Dressed the ghost in pasty bed sheets
Bleeding lips, livid soul
I must get out; I mustn't feel like this

Clouds of grey infection
Cough echoed hallways
As ripe as a golden apple
That rests in the palm of your hand

Shrieking imagery, but
Always safely hidden
400 thread count sheets, and
Hands made of silver

The sky is speckled with
Cheap glitter again.
Fingernails stained yellow
Eyes complying with gravity

Alleviate; please be serine, lovely
I almost neglected to recall
Yellow grass between toes;
Fallen trees forming obstacles

Lips on skin
Thighs and torso
Walls and doors
Breeze in windows

“I’m madly in love with you”



“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love”
Sep 2014 · 711
You
You
I've spent too much of my life
hiding behind a shabby, wooden fence,
dodging greetings and words of admiration
out of fear
and a longing for a comfort that exists
exclusively in my imagination.

I see no use
in apologizing for my urgency.
please understand, my dear,
if it weren't for you
the torment in my chest
would have settled deeply
within the threads of my mattress.
Sep 2014 · 697
Undesirable Second
I've fallen into an inevitable black hole;
One of my own divine creation,
With streaks of light blue acrylic paint
And rusty guitar strings that sing
8 bar blues in the dark.

I've envisioned a palace of my own,
Tall, white walls
Decorated with Italian paintings and some of our own,
The light creating shapes on the carpet.

I've found a familiar sense of home
Somewhere inside the pit of your chest
Next to the rhythmic beat
Of my favourite song on repeat

From cardboard walls of colour-struck emotional discomfort,
Formed a sense of urgency
Between interlaced fingers and spines

I've come to find that I misplaced myself somewhere there
Perhaps beneath the gloomy chair in which you sat
Or in the fine laced stitches, burning blue onto the surface of our skin

I've inhaled the smoke of a thousand burning thoughts
All of which never cease to return from the dead
Much the same as my grieving eyes
Who do not seek to forget the freckles on your back
Or the creases on your stomach

I've given infinite love to a murderer
One who does not seek to return it
And after years of chasing oblivion
I am now aware of what it feels like
To be an undesired second.
Sep 2014 · 2.8k
Farewell
I can see myself now,
Shouting "farewell" to this place
And the lonely souls who occupy it;
Floating around in oblivious, liquid states.
I've felt the tug of roots from the trees,
Grasping my ankles, begging me to join them,
But the promise of concrete skies and neon greetings have gnawed their way
Through my skull.
I won't apologize for giving in to my desires,
For broadening my knowledge
And making use of my short existence.
I am not limited
To this simplistic, little rock.
Sep 2014 · 3.7k
Hold
My mind speaks to me
In incomprehensible urgency
Because it knows better;
Unlike the rest of me
That forbids my hands
To loosen their grip
On the things I find
Comfort in.
I can't ******* let go.
Sep 2014 · 362
was
was
Your callous words and apathy
Suffocated me
More than your hands ever could
Sep 2014 · 535
Gone
please leave
you're drowning me
in carelessness
and i can't seem
to swim my way out
of this one
destruction
resides in my soul
failed to mention
your hollow heart
tore mine apart
i should have known better than to let myself get to this point
Aug 2014 · 728
black
i felt those blue, indignant eyes
burn into my skin
contrition tore my body apart

i would capture a galaxy
and let it burn through the palms of my hands
to abate this torment
i caused
Aug 2014 · 423
two years
left in a tumultuous state
clawing at giprock
dancing in the
paint chip rain

two years gone
slowly crawled
through concrete walls
and dim lit rooms

misplaced elation
i can recall
all the parts of the brain
and what they're called

but i can't seem to remember
the day mine malfunctioned
and ****** me
over
stability is incredibly under-appreciated by most who possess it.
Aug 2014 · 678
frail
bulging skin
soft indents
convex features
inhales you
prevails you

never succeeded
not once;
nor will i ever

forever enclosed
in my miniscule world
of tea and brittle bones

stop dreaming
stop fantasizing
stop the anticipation
ill end up dead
from dissatisfaction

ill never open my mouth
never, ever again
to deceptive sympathy
spitting promises in my face

whisper my name
softly but brutally
sweetly but imperious
as if i have a choice
of what goes in
and what goes out
Jul 2014 · 974
i don't want to leave
I got lost somewhere along the way
while I was frolicking through the lunar glow
carefree
and
intoxicated;
the scent of half-smoked cigarettes
and sweet perfume.
nostalgia
gets the best of me.

I crave happiness
and I'm having withdrawls,
taken over by adverse thoughts
and
an immutable, stabbing
pain in my chest.

I want to run,
but
I don't want to leave.
Jul 2014 · 1.3k
"xxx"
perfection put out the light
you can't start a fire underwater
just because it feels right
written about 4 months ago
Jul 2014 · 1.6k
the sun is not infinite
I think ill always be sad;
not in the way most people think.
i don't always want to cry
or fall to my knees
or scream words even i can't comprehend.

I age like the sun.

Time slowly ticks,
closer
&
closer
to the day when it has taken all that it can
and its endless energy erupts
into infinite darkness,
never to be seen again.
somedays i feel like the sun;
although, i don't light up the galaxy.
I don't cause the earth to rotate in perfect
distance,
and I don't control
day
&
night,
but someday
my energy will erupt too,
leading me into infinite darkness,
never to be seen again.
Jul 2014 · 1.6k
queen street parkade 9:36
What will you say
when you see me
trembling
slipping
with nothing to hold on to
but the thought of you

the small chance
that tonight
we'll admire the same sky
the same moon
the same stars
but from miles apart

laying on concrete
i'm numb to the cold
surrounded by unbreakable barriers
but these memories seem to seep in
like wildfire

i've never felt so alone

you've never felt so alive

— The End —