the day that I'm gone
god i hope its soon
i hope you realize
ignoring me
was never
the answer.


m.g.

2:03 AM

i feel okay


when you say you love me.




m.g.

4107 by beth lindly

                                             4

i have been born into a southern city twice,

once to parents that counted and once to those that didn’t.

twenty-one years and i haven’t ever sat all the way

through a game of football, or soccer, or anything

except gymnastics. southern life is the same as

gymnastics – you don’t have to know the rules to

know when someone messes up, when someone falls,

when someone scrapes the length of their fingers trying

to pull themselves up. there is a spillway by the house where i

grew up that wasn’t full this morning. when my father

drove us to school in the fall, through those blurry mornings,

i could see a small rhombus of sun shining on lake tuscaloosa but

it was only in the fall and only in those mornings. i am proud

to have noticed that rhombus. we lived in a different house

until i was five years old.  i had a sesame street comforter

and we didn’t have cable. all they ever taught me was the

cockroach on the wall does not exist if you can’t see it.

(or, at least, i haven’t seen that cockroach since then. who’s

to say.)

                                             1

the death of fairies is something that has once made me sad.

i thought there were some behind my elementary school’s quarry

but they were just honeysuckle, and it was november when i went

back, anyway. there were never any fairies around my house.

i checked in the herb garden my mother grew in our front

yard, with all the mint and oregano that went into the soups she made.

my ex told me to stop calling it “my house” because the room

that saw me stay up past 2 a.m. to talk to him now sees my

sister write on the walls. but someone else wakes me up now and

my home can become whatever i need it to be.

                                             0

i had a dream last week about my dog dying and i remembered

it over lunch with my parents with such a horrid suddenness that

i thought it had happened right then. “no, beth,” my father chuckled.

“millie hasn’t died.” “she’s doing just fine,” my mother agreed.

but she has, i thought, i saw it clear as anything.

my dog’s brain has been recently deteriorating, the pieces

taking with them her ability to hear. our family has taken to stomping

on the ground so she can feel the vibrations of come get your food,

come outside, just come here. i am proud that she can feel the vibrations

that call her home.

                                             7

the fog that exists separating me from my dirt and blood has yet

to be predicted by james spann – a 70 percent chance that when i’m seventy

i won’t be able to remember how my backyard looked without the deck.

i am twenty-one and soon i won’t be and it will continue like that until

my memories have cateracted into a milky blur of greens and purples

when i was a child and maroons and blues when i thought i was an adult.

my hope is that i will start an herb garden and plunge my hands

in the warm earth and feel the vibrations that might call me home,

if they want to.

the petal falls
like an angel
sent from
heaven
down to earth
the earth lay
still
in the
depressed night
terrified of what is
around the corner
the sun rises
the horizon loses all
the fear that
the poor night had obtained
the ocean
glimmered with the
light of a
tranquil mood
and the petal lay
motionless
in the light of the morning.

m.g.

across the river
made up of particles and whatnot
is where my soul belongs
it exasperates me that
the fish can easily go
and see my love
with a simple
flip of their fin
can watch my love
i grew up
believing no one
would ever fall in love
with me
that i’d be
forever lonely
like the moon wasn’t something
my love had built for me
in their bedroom
sitting at their desk
pondering which piece fixates itself
to which piece
so my broken heart strings bled
the color blue
it was blue because the
river was blue
and so were my feelings
but it was also blue because
it was cold outside
and i loved the way that
my love’s lips turned a slightly blue color
in the cold
and it was blue because that was
the color of their eyes
i tried to empty myself of all my
emotions
dont tell me that
a defective life is something
a therapist can fix
and that a couple pills a day could cure
because there is no way for it
to transit itself into something
beautiful.





m.g.

dear me,
this is you.
me.
get up.
the ground is your reward
it will hold you when
you are done
hold you with all force
you
are not done
put a silencing finger
to the singing
of  all fat ladies
this is not over
real in all finish lines
steal the sound  of the
metal ringing hanging in the air and
put back in the bell
one more round we go.

get up.
there are sunsets that need
to be signed off on
snowfalls that need your approval.
starry nights like sad
lovers who's beauty
has gone unnoticed in the glare
of television sets
they are looking for
volunteers to notice them
raise your hand
step forward
you will not be chastised
for staring some beauty some beauty
wants to be seen

get up.
as if the simple act of
standing has brought you closer
to the cosmos as you
have ever previously been.
as if all the stars you've seen
busy looking back
taking notes and keeping track
of which wishes need granting
they heard you ask for
strength
show them you havent wasted it.


..

s.d.

and that will be it.
it will happen like this:

the conversations will go
from 5 hours to 1.

the way you look at me
will change from "how
could i live without you"
to "you're a friend"

the conversations
will go from 1 to none.

you won't even need to
look at me anymore,

and that will be it.
i'll no longer be apart of your life,

and that, will be it.

i think
that it’s sad
that you are so far away
and mutiple other people get to hold your hand
and those other people get to know what your embrace
feels like
while im here
thousands of miles away
sadly sitting in my own dark room while
each of the walls begin to close in
on me
i dont like getting out much
but i would get out
if i had you
i mean
we could do things together
instead of just saying “i want to hold your hand.”
i could actually hold your hand
and kiss your finger tips
and never have to let go
of your embrace
and then maybe
maybe my hectic mind will be at peace
and i could think clearly
and not worry about what
is going on the next day
and i could live in this moment with you
and just
be with you
but you’re there
and i’m here,
stuck
by myself
alone with my thoughts
scared that a text might annoy you
scared that you’re with someone
better than me
scared that you’re just going to
forget about someone like me
but really
you’re there
and im here
im just being silly and dumb
i know
but sometimes
and only sometimes
are my feelings valid.



m.g.

m.g.

i can not seem to forget
you.

every little thing reminds
me of you. every time i
look at the stars i
remember the time we
kissed on the grass under
the sparkly sky. every
time i pull a blanket over
my body. i remember the
time it was raining outside
and you held me safe
under the warm covers.


and every time i hear a
voice, feel a touch, hear
foot steps coming closer,
i wish, i wish it's you
coming back. but it's not.
it never is and i'm afraid
it will never be you again.


t.s. & m.g.

take a deep breath
in the mirror
he didn't
like it when i
wore high heels
but i do,
turn the lock
and put my headphones on
he always said
"i never get this song."
but i do,
walked in expecting you'd be
late
but you got here
early
and you stand and wave
i walk to you
you pull my chair out
and help me in
and you don't know
how nice
that is,
but i do.


t.s. & m.g.

sadly
it's the broken toys
who were played
to the
core
the broken toys
were overworked
overused
but the toys
did not
know
that they were overused
because they
were loved.

m.g.

SO TODAY I AM TYPING (2/11/13)
IN CAPITALS
BECAUSE
I AM INFATUATED
WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE.

SO TODAY I  AM TYPING (2/15/13)
IN CAPITALS
BECAUSE
HE LOOKS AT HER
THE WAY I NEED HIM
TO LOOK AT ME.


SO TODAY I AM TYPING (2/24/13)
IN CAPITALS
BECAUSE
SHE PUT HER ARM
AROUND HIM
AND HE SMILED, AND HIS
EYES DID THIS THING
THIS BEAUTIFUL, CRAZY,
AMAZING THING.


SO TODAY I AM TYPING (2/29/13)
IN CAPITALS
BECAUSE
HE SMILED AT ME
AND HE SEEMED UPSET
I SAW IT IN HIS EYES
MY WHOLE WORLD
IS HIS HAPPINESS.


SO TODAY IM TYPING (3/4/13)
IN CAPITALS BECAUSE
SHE LEFT HIM
AND HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN
THAT IT MADE MY OWN
HEART HURT.

SO TODAY I AM TYPING (3/9/13)
IN CAPITALS BECAUSE
HE SMILED AT ME AND
PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME
AND I GOT THIS FEELING
THIS BEAUTIFUL, CRAZY,
AMAZING FEELING.


SO TODAY I AM TYPING (3/14/13)
IN CAPITALS BECAUSE
HE KISSED ME
HE KISSED ME THE WAY I NEEDED
HIM TO KISS ME
WITH LUST
WITH PASSION
WITH NO TASTE OF REGRET ON THE
TIP OF HIS TONGUE.



SO TODAY I AM TYPING (3/20/13)
IN CAPITALS
BECAUSE HE ASKED ME TO
BE HIS GIRLFRIEND
AND HE KISSED ME AGAIN
AND I THINK
I LOVE HIM.



SO TODAY I AM TYPING (1/25/14)
IN CAPITALS BECAUSE
HE PROPOSED TO ME
HE WANTS TO MARRY ME
FINALLY
I HAVE GOTTEN THE LOVE I DESERVE.



so today i am not typing (6/12/88)
in capitals
because
he is gone
he died
he left me
alone
back in this old feeling
this awful
old
feeling.



m.g.

diˈpreSHən
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.


m.g.

the pain
is now cutting
me
so deeply
i can't think
and i have
to be strong
for the ones
who need
me
to be strong
i have to put on this mask
a mask
with smiles
a mask that says
"No, she's happy, don't worry.
The scars on her wrists don't exist."
but frankly
i can't even breathe
or handle
this anymore.

i'm done.

m.g.

mel x

If you close your eyes softly and listen carefully, you can almost go back to the very first summer with them. You can almost hear our muffled giggles and see our sideway smiles. The night is young, the city lights are twinkling, and the stars are slowly beginning to emerge. It's the moment between sunset and sunrise. The sound of crickets chirping and the scent of summer permeates the surrounding city. Summer stains our minds with carelessness and the feeling of forever young. Remembering them is like experiencing summer for the very first time.



m.g.

I love you more than la luna. You are my everything, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Even though you don’t think you’re beautiful, you are more beautiful than anyone I’ve ever seen. I love you so so much. You’ve been with me in my darkest, most awful days. When I was crazy, you still loved me. I will never be more grateful for anything more in my life, than I am for you. I am so in love with you. The first time I laid eyes on that picture of you, I couldn’t stop talking about you, and we hadn’t even talked before that. Except that one time when we were talking about clothes, and about how boys were attracted to you or something. I was jealous of them, to honest. Those boys got to spend time with my world, my everything. I want to spend my time with you, baby. Every minute, every hour, every second.

i am
a dream
sometimes in bliss
floating on cloud nine
tossing coins in the invisible fountain
of my imagination
skipping rocks while cloud hopping
while at other times
i am a nightmare
emotionally and physically
terrorizing the world that is my
life
hurting the ones i love
breaking all ties
breaking apart from it all
while the dark clouds rumble above
i sit in the middle of the grass
hearing the roar of the thunder above
yet i do not move
because yet
this is just a dream.




m.g.

i wish my eyes were
as blue as
the ocean
my lips were
red as blood
and my hair was as black as
ebony.

s.k. & m.g.

m.g.

i am tired.
not for a lack of rest --
no, i slept quite well last night
and I've had my coffee.

its something deeper, something
inherently present, in the
fibers of my skin,
in my tendons, in my eyes.

i am exhausted,
fatigued by life
by the noise and the silence,
the people, and
the empty rooms,
the light and the dark;
by hope and
despair.

so worn down by the world
that nothing in it can
refresh my mind from the
constant buzzing.

i am tired, and there are not
enough hours in the night
for the type of rest i need.


-U.K. & m.g.

eyes
glitter with the hope
of a new
beginning
i pray for a new
life
one to start over
one with no pain
suffering
loss.


m.g.

"1. I was drunk off ****** ***** he was tall and looked like a boy I used to love. I pressed my forehead against the glass window and told him I loved being high up and he told me to come back to bed where it was dark and warm and I couldn’t see all the lights and the little people swarming 63 floors down. he told me his little brother’s name and I used to remember it. I’ve forgotten by now.
2. he kissed me tasting like tequila and trying to make me something that I wasn’t. he kissed me because I was there and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. writing about him makes my blood stand still I think I’ll stop before my arteries start to clog.

3. I was ******* a cherry lollipop and feeling like ******, he was throwing his shoulders back and thinking about soccer season. I put my lollipop in his mouth and he said “why don’t we have this conversation walking”. under the trees at night before the cops shut the party down he put his hands up my shirt and then got bored when I wouldn’t **** him with my mouth. sometimes when I see him I smile a little like “maybe…if you had waited another minute…”

4. I took the L train to Brooklyn it was hot and sticky and I was worried he wouldn’t like my hair. when I wandered into the bar I didn’t recognize him until he touched my shoulder. he said he didn’t like sleeping because it was boring and he stuck his fingers in hot wax and he rolled me a cigarette and then apologized when I told him I’d quit last yeah but I’d smoke it anyway. his apartment was full of stupid art and I don’t know why he never texted me back. maybe he found out I was too young for him. maybe when I kissed him he tasted high school on my lips.

5. he was hands, hands, hands, touching me in the shallow water of a man-made lake. he was in my hair and falling into wet sand his lips were all over my chest he murmured “don’t leave me what am I going to do without you.” I left the next day. “you’ll be fine.” I wish he had left bruises on my skin but he is far too kind for that and he calls his little cousins cook, short for cookie.”



a.n. &m.g;.

ive come to realize
there is no
light in
my life
and that i have caused
and deserved
every ounce of pain
and that
i should start wearing
sweaters
in the summer
i want to start crying
i want to give up
i can't continue being a person
i can't continue being chained to depression
i want to be a spirit
a free spirit
one who floats along streams and rivers
and one who gives you that
warm feeling when you
feel most alone
because when i'm a
spirit
i'll be free of this burden.





m.g.

m.g.

growing up isn't very helpful, when it comes down to it. when i was quite little, i loved staring up at the sky. it fascinated me. the way the darker it got, the more stars would appear. they'd almost always be there, every time i awoke from a bad dream and ran to the window, every time the sunshine just wasn't enough, every time i  just needed reassurance they hadn't gone anywhere. but before the age of five, i don't have a single memory of a clouded night. thirteen years later from five, i am still just a girl. looking for comfort, stability, sleep, and respect. for this, i yearn for you. someone to jump with, arms outstretched, fingertips reaching to the heavens without a clue of what could be up there. grasping for who knows what and our wishes have been enveloped by ***** of fire light years away; and there's feeling that there is, there constantly will be, something more, something bigger, something we yearn for but are so mortified to have. i live with the constant feeling of having something to say but knowing it's the wrong time for the clumsy words to leave my lips. maybe that's why i started writing.

my heart is shattered
and my lungs have
started closing up
and my heart clenched
and tightened when
"i think we should just be friends."
escaped his lips with a
whisper
and i acted like i wasn't
falling apart inside
and
i acted like i wasn't
going to end up
crying all night
and ignoring
his phone calls
texts
facetimes
and i understand that he needs
physical contact
and i may not be able to give him that
but i tried
i tried my best to be the best
i could be
just for him
and everything has been falling apart
and my heart is officially
shattered.




m.g.

hello friends
how can you
not notice
the life
the light
the love
slipping from my dull
eyes
hello friends
how can you
not notice
that i choose
to wear
long sleeves
in the hot
summer weather
hello friends
how can you tell
me that
everything is going to be okay
when my doctor says
not to tell anyone that
because you honestly don't know
if it's going to be okay
because you aren't in
their situation
hello friends
how can
you not notice
me slipping from
your grasp.




m.g.

He studies her.
She is sitting  just across from him, re reading the same book for the 12th time.
Literally.
She is always finding a new book, and if it was really good, it was all she would talk about. He loves that about her.
The way her long, dark blonde hair contrasted her structured cheek bones. He loves the way that her eyes turn dark green when she cries, and when she’s smiling, the way you can see her small dimples.
He loves the way she wears his shirts around the house.
He loves the way she lights candles, because she thinks the house smells “beautiful.”  

“Babe, do you want some tea?”  he asks, reaching across the table to hold her hand. Her nails are a pastel coral.

He loves the way pink looks on her.

“Yes, that would be lovely. Thank you.” She says, looking up from her book and smiling at him.

He stood up, and walked over to the white tiled counter that had his Canon on it. He loves taking pictures of her. He prepares the camera.

He notices the way her large white sweater droops over her shoulders, exposing her pale skin. You can almost see through her, like she’s some kind of glass you don’t want to break.

The whole kitchen was completely white.
But it didn’t look weird.

She had put up little drawings of cute things, like pugs, cats, poetry she had written, all in pastel colors. The sun from the window was hitting her face perfectly, and he takes a few pictures. She acknowledges him taking the pictures, and just continues to read. 


“God, you’re beautiful. You know that, right?” He mumbles, while facing the kettle.

“I don’t think beautiful is a word to describe me, baby.” She responds, looking over her shoulder to see him.

She admires the way his curls were wild and rugged when he didn’t brush his hair. Or the way you could see his tattoos through his white shirts, when he wore them. She admires the way he tries to impress her by doing silly things.

She admires the way his dimples show when he gets really excited and happy, and the way his green eyes could make any girl swoon.

Quite often, she thinks about how he could have any girl he wanted, yet he chose her, in all her glory.

m.g.

I hope one day

somebody loves you
so much

that they see violets
in the bags under your eyes,
sunsets in the downward arch
of your lips,

that they recognize you
as something green,
something fresh and still growing,
even if sometimes
you are growing sideways,

that they do not waste their time
trying to fix you.


m.g. and a.n.

i am
a tiger
fierce
loud
strong
protective of what is rightfully
mine
yet at times
i am
sad
weak
and
vulnerable.

m.g.

since my worst heartbreak
i have fooled around with love
each attempt useless
at first it's wonderful
beautiful even
and i'm happy
and he's happy
and we're okay.

but something struck a cord in me,
about a month into these relationships
i become anxious
not answering his calls
putting off meetings
i don't know why, though.
i wish i could love you
how you love me,
and so i leave you
because you deserve someone who
wants you permanently.
not someone who wants you for a little.

when i was little, my grandparents called my heartbreaker.

i never hoped that term would be actually put to use to describe me.


m.g.

maybe
i am just
that one girl
no one seems
to care for
to love
to embrace
to do anything with
but
i dont think
they realize
that i’ve got
feelings as well,
and maybe
just maybe
I've got someone
who needs me to live
who needs me to be there
and take care of them.

m.g.

if i could
i would
shrink myself
and sink through
your skin
to your blood cells
and remove
whatever is making
you hurt.


m.g.

ignite that ****
light
glowing inside of you
its there
its there, my love
but you're trying to
dull it
down
saying there's nothing more inside of
you
than emptiness,
but i can
see
that little light
barely shining through,
let it out,
you've got to let it out.


m.g.

empty space.




m.g.

right now
i’ve got that
sick
pitiful feeling
in the bottom of my stomach
i like to think
it’s because
i love you so
but i think it’s because
you don’t love me
back.

m.g.

i hate boys so much
boys are so dumb


m.g.

you  make me hate myself
more than i already do.


m.g.

the way
you make
me feel
is like
a ray of sunshine
shown
onto my
poor
mislead heart
your smile is
probably
the only thing i look
forward
to everyday
i love you,
i really
truly
love
you.

m.g.

Baby, I understand that some nights sadness will hit you like a tidal wave and there is no way to stop it or tell when it is coming. I understand how hard it is to keep from drowning. But I need you to understand this. When you are sad, I will call you and read you parts of my favorite book so that for a little while you can leave this life and feel like you’re someone else. When you are too sad to even speak I’ll sit there with you and listen to you breathe and memorize your heartbeat. And when you tell me that you need me, I will already be on my way to you. And if you want to cry, I will hold you all night. And if you want to laugh, I will bring your favorite comedy over and I will watch it with you and fall in love with your tear filled eyes every time the tv lights them up. If you want to be alone, I will give you space. But I will come back in the morning and tell you how beautiful you are and that I’m so happy you made it through the night. I will hold your hand and tell you that tonight will be better. And I’ll do everything I can to try and make that happen. So it’s okay to be sad, because I will always be here to make you happy again.



m.g. and a.n.

maybe we should
fall in love with
people,
who can't help you
up from the fall,

and when you finally
manage to get up

with or without the better half's full help,

you fall in love again and you "fall".


all this crazed joy
and screaming and ecstatic moaning,

about finding the one who
helps you up each time,


you get up,
you look at the courageous him
or the seraphic her,

and both of you are like - "Was that it? Okay.. now what?"





...both of us know...
it's not like how it used to be
...we need to use some space..



m.g.

your eyes haven't changed
the way they
lit up when
we saw each other again
i miss you
i miss your long hair that
i suddenly took liking to
and the song you wrote me
is one of the most beautiful
things I've ever heard

come back to me.


m.g.

“Hi.” I whispered.
His eyes never left mine as he slowly leaned in and stared at my lips.
We both leaned in together, and our lips met.
It was a short kiss, but definitely meaningful to both of us.
He pushed a strand of hair out of my face and whispered
“Hey.”
I let out a small giggle as he kissed me all over my face, starting with my nose, ending with my chin.
He rested his forehead on mine, and we both burst into a fit of giggles.
He played with the ends of my hair as we discussed how happy we both were.



m.g.

people say
‘it’ll be okay’
yet
they dont know
the
pain
inside
that
cuts me to
the core
while my sadness
pours out
in gallons
of tears
and whispers of
‘i’ll never be good enough
for you.’

m.g.

slowly
my happiness disappears
it never liked to stay
and it never has
it was just a visitor
and depression
was my home
the familiar feeling
of the blade
almost touched my
skin
the cold blade
was an old friend
of mine
and i liked it
as twisted as that may sound.

m.g.