The doubts I had in the beginning are slowly but surely returning, and as much as I hate admitting it to myself, I can't bear to live a lie no longer.
I ask myself, "Am I happy? Or am I really comfortable?"

My answer still remains unclear.

What do I want out of life?
Where will I be in ten years time?
How am I supposed to follow my passion if I haven't discovered mine yet?*

Readers, it's okay to be lost. It's okay to walk straight into the unknown. It's okay to be dangerously spontaneous, because hey, what's life without a little fun?
Embrace the beauty of uncertainty. Trust in yourself. Trust in God.

I want to live more than an average life, and I hope you do too.

I love music.
It takes you to a whole new place, a different dimension. It allows you to travel with time, to go with the flow, to focus on nothing but different rhythms and sounds beating in synchronisation.
Nothing is more satisfying than finding a song that applies to your entire life, that relates to you when no one else can.
Whenever you are sad or feeling nothing but happy, I urge you to listen to a song and allow it to soothe your soul.

I remember you telling me that if I ever changed my mind, you were a phone call away.
I pick up my phone every day and contemplate if I should just call you and tell you how much I miss you, that I miss how we were, that I want you back and would do anything to have "us" again.
But for some reason
I just
Can't.

Don't put him through that hurt again
Don't play with his heart
Don't **** with his feelings
Get it together
You did this
*Deal with it

Now I must learn to move on.
I must learn to not let your smile make my heart beat a thousand times faster.
I must learn to not smile against your chest like I do each and every time you hug me.
I must learn to not let your voice give me a sense of security, protection and comfort.
I must learn to not feel so much happiness when I see you happy, because our happiness is not shared anymore.
I must learn that you are not mine. I've lost you.

Your soul is beautiful and warm and radiant.
Thank you for being my sun.

Your hands felt like magic in mine and it made me feel a thousand feelings and remember a million memories.
You whispered the words, "I miss this" in my ear and I agree.

I miss you yet you are sitting right beside me. I miss your smile yet I see it every day. I miss your laughter, your voice... **** I just miss you.
I miss you so ******* much, it hurts me so badly.

I am lost in a tornado of emotion.
Chin up, little girl.
No one said this will be easy.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them that they won't.

The smallest of things
Can trigger it off
Pierce a hole through my heart.

When I hear your name
When I see you smile
When you hold her and not me
When you laugh at her jokes and not mine

Stop making me bleed little by little.
Stop giving me pain in small doses
Just pull the **** trigger and be done with it.

I know what we have is not true love.
I know I am not in love with you.
I know this because I am not passionate, infatuated, obsessed, crazy, insane and completely head over heels for you.

I love you - but I am not in love with you. I love you in the way I will do absolutely anything and everything for your happiness. It kills me to see you hurt or cry, to see you broken.
I love you, I really do. I love you very much.
Just please know I'm not in love with you, and I am so sorry.

Channel your energy.
When you are in pain, use that energy to write. Feel the flow from your frustration, your anger, your pain. Feel it move from your thoughts, to your fingers, and watch it appear as letters, as words, as poetry, as art.

I write best when I am in pain.
My mind is screaming but the words are pouring out.
The blank page is my canvas. I fill it with my pain.
I add colour. I add red.
Or, if I am sad,
I add blue.

I long to find my soulmate, my own special type of lover, designed by God specifically for me.
I have the urge to find you. I know you are somewhere in this word, probably just as lost as me.
I pray our paths cross one day at the perfect time, so that I may look into your eyes and know that you are The One.
Are you thinking, dreaming, wondering about me too? Whoever you are, out there, in this big wide world?

How foolish of me
To think that you've changed.
How foolish of me
To even let you in.*

My girl
You can't go back to what broke you.
You deserve so more much than that.

Don't you love yourself?
If you really loved yourself, you wouldn't do this.
Protect your heart from what hurt you.

You are golden, soaring among the stars, with galaxies in your mind and so much warmth in your heart
And you deserve someone
Who appreciates that
Who listens to the words you speak
Who reads the poems you write
Who adores you
For all and everything you are.

1) Grow up
2) Obey rules
3) Go to school
4) Graduate from school
5) Go to college
6) Get a job
7) Marry
8) Have kids
9) Raise your kids to live the same repeated cycle you did
10) Die.

Because everybody wants to live ordinarily.
Each process inevitably leads you to the next. The cycle goes on and on and on. We are breeding generations that are far worse off than the last. We are destructive humans who live in our own little worlds. We refuse to see the bigger picture because we are trapped
In society's cage.

Congratulations on living the life of a human.

It's a time for a new chapter.
Turn over a new page.

I can now safely say that I am over you.
Yes, I still think, worry and care about you.
But I definitely will not love you ever again.

I am new.
I have goals, and I'll work harder than ever before to achieve them.
I'm putting myself first, and am working on me.

I am made entirely of flaws stitched with good intentions. Not once did I say I was perfect, not once did I act so. I try to be happy, I try to make others happy. I only want the best for you and I wish you well on your journey without me.

ever felt claustrophobic in your own mind?
i do.
it's uncomfortable.
it's a fear of restriction, confinement.
it's a fear of being trapped.
and i need to be able to breathe.

I hope one day we can see each other and feel no pain at all.
I hope one day we can laugh like we used to and feel no sadness.
I hope one day we can look at old photos of us and not feel any regret.

They say time is the best medicine. I hope it heals us both.

And only months later have I realised that loving you was the most toxic thing I have ever done.

I am going to set myself free from you. I am going to let you go.
You are no longer a part of my life. You are no longer a friend, a lover, a protector.
You are a stranger to me.
It is difficult to pretend not to care anymore. But I am going to try nevertheless.
I am my own person. I make mistakes and I learn every day. Now I am on my own journey and I will do things that make me happy. If I was happy before you were in my life, I can be happy now that you're gone.
I have learnt that this was bound to happen sooner or later, and rather sooner than later because we would have both dug each other's graves and buried each other in the end.
I have learnt that God has something in plan for me. And you were not included in that plan. He has something better. The best is yet to come.

I am free.
I have let you go.
And I will be happy.

Conformity*
It is a brainwashing, ****** up voice in our heads
It is an ugly word, a word that leaves my mouth in disgust
That tells us that we cannot be who we want to be
Because society "tells us so"*

I find it sad how we perceive conformity as a normality, instead of embracing who we really are.
Look at the bigger picture.
You have eyes yet you are blind.

When I see you
It's like time freezes for a little while
I feel my body get rigid and tense
Because the blood coarsing through my veins feels the fire burning with hurt and love and hatred and passion.
I act like everything is fine, but inside.
Inside of me I can feel my heart beating faster as if danger is approaching. I can feel my hands sweat and my back stiffen.
I want to speak to you
But I know I'll never say the words I want to say.
And why should I, anyway?
Whats the point?
You don't love me anyway. You never did.

It's a new day.

I hope that this poem finds you, I hope that you drink in these words of comfort and know that you will get through this day. Know that every human has a purpose, and today you may find yours.

Know that you are not alone. Know that your battle will soon be won. Know that there are stars in your eyes and galaxies in your head, and soon you will be soaring among the moon.

I hope this poem makes you smile. I hope it makes you think of the good things in life, the things that make you feel warm.

Know that you are special.

What saddens me deeply are people who have to hide pain.
The happiest of people are the most broken inside, the widest smiles carry the deepest sorrows, the most cheerful laughs disguise the bitterest cries.
It's sad how we automatically judge people we don't know based on appearance. The reality is, we don't know how they're feeling, what they've been through, and we most certainly don't have the right to label them based on what we see.

Please be a kind human.
Everyone is fighting their own battle.

When I look into your eyes, I see the ocean.
I see the depth, the coolness, the tranquility
I want to look beyond what you show, I want to see you.
And I mean really see you.

I'm so tired of hearing
"You look so hot!" "You look ****." "****, you look gorgeous."

Then they look at you eagerly for a response, and I smile back woodenly but inside it means nothing.
Just words that pass my one ear and fall out the other.
No substance.
Is that how men think they can "get" a girl these days?
You want to know the key to my heart?
Tell me that I make you happy. That I make you laugh. That my smile can't help make you smile. That what I said the other day made you think. That you love my wild side. That you think of me before your eyes close as you're about to fall asleep. That the thought of me makes your stomach feel light.

That's all I want to hear.
And it's all I'll never hear.

We saw many shooting stars that night
And each time I would wish for the same thing.

I wished that you would live a life full of love, happiness and adventure.
That's all I want for you.

And if my wish comes true,
I will be happy, too.

I really don't want to lose you, but I know I can't keep holding on.
I am stuck in a place of hopelessness. No matter what I do, somebody will get hurt. I would rather it be me than you, but I have a feeling that we will both feel the pain.

A little bit of pain is good. More is tolerable. But the pain we will both feel will eat us up alive - I pray we survive it.

I wonder when these feelings will fade.

It breaks my heart to see you. I miss you so ******* much, and I can't accept the fact that I've lost you.
How sad, that in a space of a few days, we can go from being lovers to strangers.

The truth is, you never were The One to begin with.
I lie down every night and ask myself the same question:

Am I in love with the idea of love or am I in love with you?

I am just an ordinary girl that laughs when other people laugh or cries when other people cry.
I'm a girl that makes stupid, irrational decisions and contemplates life while watching the stars.
I'm a girl that writes poetry at midnight and eats dinner for breakfast.
I'm a girl that falls asleep thinking, dreaming, missing or falling in love with you.
I'm a girl that listens to music to escape the hurricanes of reality that are being thrown in her face.
I'm a girl that wants to experience the joys of life, and live it to the utmost fullest that she possibly can.
I'm a girl that feels sad and lonely at times but will never show it.
I'm a girl that loves the taste of honey and the smell of cinnamon, that enjoys all things sweet as long as they are bitter.

One day I'll find someone who makes me feel all the right feelings. I'm talking about feeling in love, because I truly believe I have not experienced true love yet.
One day I'll wake up with a genuine smile on my face because the thought of you makes me completely and utterly paralysed with happiness.
One day I'll kiss someone with a passion that will leave your soul on fire, and in that one perfect moment time will be frozen.

God has a plan for you.
You just have to have patience and believe.

Loving you
Was the most toxic thing I've ever done
And the most ****** up part of all
Is that I'll probably do it all over again.

I like you.
I have for a while now.
And when I met you
It made my heart smile.

last night
we got high in your bedroom
and my skin was tingling
and your lips were fire
and your touch like feathers
gently tickling my skin

you asked me
about us
and i was too afraid to answer
because of the wild thoughts in my head
and i know you took my silence
the wrong way
but honestly,
you mean more to me than i thought you would at this point.

i realised that my feelings for you
have done nothing but grow
escalate
and being with you
feels exhilarating
and my high
felt like a dream
and then i
realised
my
dream
was
reality

my reality is you.

Saturday, 18/04/2015
How it all started.

This is how our story began.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. ****, it feels like yesterday. I always felt this sense of comfort, this great feeling of openness when talking to you. I found comfort in hearing your voice. It was like you were with me that night, lying next to me. It was like I could feel you holding me.
You were the first person I ever truly told my feelings to. For some reason that I will never know, I have always been one to guard my emotions. I do it simply because I cannot bear getting hurt or judged. People often misunderstand me and think I do not feel deeply because I don't like to express with words. Trust me, I feel deep. I don't overthink, but what I feel physically impacts me. It affects me in ways it won't usually affect others. It affects me deep down in my very gut.
Telling you how I really felt was not only a big thing for me, but it was something that I had been so scared to do. But you made it... easy. Effortless. The words slipped out of my mouth with a smile on my face, and when I heard you say it back, I melted.
I was exhausted, but my heart was racing. I felt such a great feeling of euphoria, it was really and truly crazy. I lay in bed feeling like I had won a marathon, climbed a mountain, surfed a great wave. Just because I knew, at that very moment, that I had you.
Each hour flew by. I couldn't believe how late it was getting but I just didn't want to stop hearing your voice. There were times where I actually drifted in and out of sleep because I just felt so... content, that you were still there on the other line. That when I whispered your name you would always respond.
Saying goodnight to you was a long procedure because none of us wanted to hang up. I hated the thought of not hearing you, even if it was the complete silence of you sleeping. Because at least you would still be there. It happened eventually though, and I lay awake afterward just thinking of the future and endless possibilities between us. I could not comprehend how everyone's predictions was about to take place. I couldn't understand how it had finally happened.
I will never forget that night. It was, so far, one of the best night's of my life. To find out that someone you had liked, someone you always had your eye on, cared about, thought of constantly, actually returned the favour... Nothing is better.
It is such a good memory, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else but you.

So that is how our story began. Our little love story.

And then, like all love stories,
It ended.

Today was different.
I held you and I felt happy, content with you in my arms. I lay my head on your shoulder and opened my eyes to your big blue ones, smiling down at me.

But then I remind myself that I would feel happy with anyone in my arms, because that's how much I love love.

Love is a ruthless game.
I dare you to play it.

Take a chance
Open up your soul to another person.
Give them a part of you.
They can hurt you, love you, break you.
They can leave you feeling alive
Or empty.

If you play it right, you will be rewarded.
But be warned: play it wrong, and you are asking for death.

It's unforgivingly dangerous.
You should play it though. There's a chance you'll like it.

"I thought you would be the one who would have stayed." - He Thinks.

Dear boy, did you honestly expect me to stay when you gave me 1000 reasons to leave? People do not stay in your life if you constantly show through your actions and your words that you do not want them there. Sooner or later, that person will get the message and they will be gone. They will find someone better, someone who appreciates their flaws and does not see them as what they are: flaws. They will see it as a blessing.

You'll regret it. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But you will regret it, that I can guarantee you.

And then there's you.
Where to even begin?
I can't explain my own feelings towards you, but hopefully I can write about them.
I hate you.
I hate your cutting words.
I hate how they charm everyone and how you can fool them, like you did so similarly to me.
I hate that you broke me, destroyed me.
Yet I can't help but be thankful for all you've put me through, because I am no longer weak and naive to the world. You've given me a taste of what its like to feel wounded.
I hate that I love you. I might still possibly love you. I didn't love you while I had you, but I loved you more so than ever once I left you.
And why? Why should I even give you my love? You don't deserve it, most definitely not. I should love someone who understands me and loves me for who I am, not someone who never accepted me.

Maybe the reason why I am confused is because I am craving love.
Someone who can make my heart beat faster. Someone who can make my palms sweaty. Someone who can make me smile at the very thought of them.
Because right now, my only memories of that include you.
And that is what keeps on bringing me back to you.
God, I hate you.
I hate how you make me feel.

Even though you don't know I know
I'm still going to apologise -

I never meant to make you fall for me
I truly didn't
And I would much rather you love her than me
Because she loves you more than I ever will
and
I hope your wounds aren't deep.

My girl
One day, someone will treat you like gold.
Like you are a prized treasure
One in a million
Irreplaceable

My girl
One day, someone will treat you right.
The way you deserve to be treated
Because you are art
You are unique and
One day
Someone will love you exactly the way you need to be loved.

Life only happens once.
Never take a moment for granted. If there is one thing life has promised us, it is that a moment can never happen again, and memories will only be replayed in our head.
There, kept between the four walls of our mind, can it be safe.

Make happy memories.
Those are all we take with us. Everything else gets left behind.

Love letters prove that he can write more **** than he can speak it.

I can't lie to myself any longer.
You still consume my mind and my thoughts and I would rather die than admit it.
I hate the fact that I can't control that I love you. You got me hooked on your sick games and you are like a drug to me, an addiction in every single way imaginable.
It's funny because you made me believe I was special. You spoke words that I so easily overlooked because I thought I knew better than that. But I can't pretend those words didn't impact me, didn't make me so impossibly happy. I would be fooling myself if I said I didn't want to hear you speak them, and I would be an even greater fool if I said I didn't want to hear them again.
I still remember the first time my eyes saw yours as if it was yesterday. I knew from that very second that you would mean more to me, and I to you. You leaked bad news but I wanted it all, I wanted my heart to be broken by you.
And broke it you did. You had me at your feet, I would have done anything and everything for you because I was your prisoner and I was yours. I was trapped and defeated and I couldn't get out of the deep hole you had thrown me in. I remember spitting the dirt out of my mouth and thinking that I would never hurt you as much as you had hurt me.
Do you have a heart? Can you love? Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much you would die for them?
I say I don't love you, but you are not easy to get over. Especially since you continue to haunt me like a ghost in my past and present, and you will undoubtedly be there in my future.
How can I tell the truth if I can't accept it myself?

This may sound crazy, but I think I've fallen for you even harder than the first time.
You make me happy without even trying. The sound of your voice, the ocean that is your eyes, the gentleness of your touch.
I now appreciate things in a way that I never did before.
I believe in second chances. I gave you my heart, and I'll give it again because ****, I honestly think *you're worth it.