There are still bad days.

Days where it’s easy to forget that a world exists outside my bedroom.

Days where the moments in-between each breath feel like an unmapped ocean and no one’s really sure if there’s land on the other side.

Days where I’m not sure if there will be other days.

Days where the calendar smiles coldly and says, “yeah, you wish.”

Days where I’m not always able to keep the fire inside.

Days where I burn.
And get burned.

There are still bad days. And I’ve seen better days. But I’ve also seen days a hell of a lot worst.

So I’ll limp my way through the bad days with a bucket of water for my burning heart and an extra roll of duck tape for my tattered appendages

Because at least now there can be good days.

Days where I can look gravity in the face and stand up straight.

Days where I remember my name. Sometimes I even say it out loud.

Days where I can let the dust settle on the noose.

Days where I remember why I didn’t go quietly.

Days where I can see it.

Days where my eyes wander upwards and the sky almost looks like it did before it fell down on my head.

Days where I pick up the needle and find another part of myself to sew back on.

Days where I think about other days, and what they’ll be like when they get here.

Days that I love.
And am loved.

So yeah, I’ve seen better days, but I’m getting better in the face of the bad days.

Because I don’t lack the vision, it’s the method that I always seem to misplace.

But I think I’ll be able to hold onto it...
one of these days…

There’s a reason for all of this
There has to be a reason for all of this
Millions of billions of cells had to multiply, divide, and die just so you could stand here and say there’s no reason for any of this?

No

I refuse to believe this
It’s not an accident that we exist
Because someone once told me existence is resistance
And we can still win this
All we need is a little patience and persistence

Because objects in the mirror
Are always closer than they appear
And the only illusion here is the length of the distance

You’re going to be fine
You’re going to make it out alive
Repeat what I just said
And if doesn’t sound right, repeat it again

Because every time you draw breath, it's another protest
To every life death has possessed
And the fact that you made it this far with this shadow at your back
Means your stubborn lungs make up for something your hopes lack

Know that there’s truth when they say this too will pass
And each moment you hate is immediately replaced with one that stands atop the past
This pain simply cannot last

But sometimes simple anchors aren’t enough so we’ll tether our ships to mountains and brace for bad weather
Taking each wave like the ground takes the rain until it cleans us for the better
So look up and pull yourself together

There’s still a sky hidden up there behind the clouds
This is all just the prologue
And there’s still a truth somewhere up there in the sun
Slow down, there’s nothing to outrun
We are not the ghosts of the things we’ve done

So curl up your fingers into a fist
And let stubborn knuckles meet the concrete
Don’t worry if your hands bleed
Instead, greet the earth with the same force it gave you every time you fell down
Then, protest gravity by standing up and making yourself perpendicular to the ground

Go slowly now,
But speak so loud that the silence has no choice but to listen
And exit now if you want to but promise to come back because this isn’t over, it’s just an intermission

Because no matter where we were when it began
I promise, it’s nothing compared to where we’ll be at the end

So please, stick around and see how it ends.

Let’s stay as long as we can
And not worry about the end
But rather, enjoy the time in the middle
As much as we did the time when we first began

Show me your hand
Slowly unravel your fist
I want to memorize the contours of each fingertip
And the way the river of your skin flows down to your wrist

Oh god don’t let me forget this
Just this
Let me at least just keep this

I know the nature of our lives could never let this last
But nobody told me it’d slip away this fast

But even if this is all the time I get
And the rest just ends in heartache
I swear to whatever’s above; it was well worth it
That you were the one truth I couldn’t break

I think I always knew the color of your eyes
The way the light bends in the corners like the edge of the sky
Even if appearance is just a lie
Something behind the confines of your soft blue stare shook my soul awake inside

It's only time and a name we can't carry through
But this beautiful shape, we'll never lose
Our hearts are already too intricately intertwined
And if even if those bonds bend they'll always be realigned  

So I’ll picture the way your head feels on my chest until it all goes black
With the hope that the moment I see you again it all comes flooding back
Even if my mind can never find the time we stayed up all night studying the way our bodies can burn
I’ll stain my soul with pictures of fire and bones until I find you all over again and learn

So slow down….please
Sit down with me and watch the sunset
It doesn’t matter which one of us it’s for
Let’s just watch it end

And then ripple throughout the pond
Creating waves big and small that stretch on and on
Through different times and spaces across different lives and places
Until all the movement comes back together in the middle
And I can remember every first time I saw your face

Even if we can’t stay right here in this moment
I’m not quite sure that means we have to forget
Let’s carve memories into our hearts and fingertips
So that the next time they meet they’ll know exactly where each finger fits

And even if I can’t stay right here with you in this song
I’m not quite sure that means I have to be gone too long
So come find me when you fall asleep
I promise to leave the lights on in case it’s too dark to see

I’ll shout so loud my voice will echo across the ages
So that when the sound bounces back the octave changes
And even though my words occupy a voice you’ve never heard
I promise you’ll remember the song’s words

But I can’t promise this won’t hurt
And that our hearts will always be able to mend
I can only promise that each time the tide resets
I’ll make my way to shore and find you again

Someway
Someplace
Someday

I never realized it would come down to this

Walking on eggshells like broken bottles
Praying my hand won’t clutch down on the throttle
Cause between the other side and I is only a mile
And all my second chances lie in the corner stacked in a pile

Often enough, I visit these ghosts and ask if I can stay awhile
And despite the fact that their intentions are as transparent as their torsos,
Sometimes I can’t see through their smile

When ‘scared shitless’ is an understatement
And the best part of this day was just surviving this day
Hope seems to find its way out when you can’t
But always leaves a note explaining why it couldn’t stay

So I’ll continue to let myself hate

You told me I could be so much better
And wouldn’t have to wait until night to embark
Well some shadows are darker than others
And you aren’t the one with eyes that glow in the dark

Because hiding my fangs is the closest thing to love I’ve ever met
And when you tell me you love me,
Regrets fire through my head like shotgun blasts carrying a threat
They say, “You don’t love me, you just don’t hate me yet”

And I don't want you to hate me

So yeah I still sleep with one eye open
But I’m also awake with one eye shut
And I’m living with one foot in the grave
But dying with one hand digging it’s way up

I’d be happy to die a martyr
Anything not to die alone
And I’d be happy to walk a little bit farther
If I knew I was almost home

But instead my heart keeps beating on in spite of itself like a broken wind-up doll waiting for the timer to run out
And finally catch a good night’s sleep

But a good night’s sleep
Is harder to find when you’re six feet deep
Just praying to god the bell actually rings
And someone above somewhere is actually listening

But they aren’t
At least I don’t believe they are

So I’ll hold my breath and hope
Hope god didn’t give the noose the strength to hold its iron grip around my throat
And wait for the air to find its way back into my lungs
In the meantime, studying the way the rope is strung

And I’m afraid to change
But I think I’m more afraid of staying the same

So I’ll move to the edge and etch a sketch
To remind myself it’s less about how far you can reach
And more about how far you’re willing to stretch.

We were legends
Mythic anti-heroes and sunbathing statues
To be handed down through the fervent fires of forever
Untouchable by the languishing winds of time
Smiling at our own mortality with ****** knuckles and ****-eating grins

We were at once privy to all things and blank like hungry canvases, ready to absorb radiant smears.
They often laughed and asked how we made it this far allowing our uncorrupted appetites to persevere.
We winked back as we took another sip and listened to the music they couldn’t hear.

Such beautifully melancholic catharsis.

We openly dined on our borrowed time

We offered back no apology for our burning hearts.
We rode down the bridge on the backs of exploding horses looking to see what was over the next horizon
With inexhaustible decadence and the confidence of lightening we strolled down the sidewalks without avoiding the cracks,
In fact we hoped with thinly veiled secrecy that one would swallow us whole and reveal to us why the clouds are never satisfied enough to stay in one place

We danced our way through the unremarkable
Side-stepping the gasless motors and cynical flowers refusing to grow on the side of the road
With full glasses and brilliant bursts of light that couldn’t be held behind the cage of a bulb, we descended into the careless waves and let them stain our souls like fire onto coals

It was always the beginning of the day.
The night was always young.
Our souls were always wide awake.
The clocks simply couldn’t keep up.

And at the final beginning’s end, we refused to shake hands
Taking whatever breath we had left to fill our lungs with one last smoldering theft
We greeted death as an old friend whose invitation had been lost in the mail
And left this world the same way we came into it; on fire.

On fire.

We were you. We were them.  We were all the parts of this adventure that slipped through their hearts.
At least we left them our ashes so they find their own new starts.

So far, so good.
Just keep a grip on this ship and don’t let the mast tip
Don't slip on the salty deck and make sure the sails don't rip

So far, so good.
Try to keep the fire inside
Board up the rotten walls to your burning heart and give ‘normal’ a try

So far, so good.
Keep your eyes closed so they can’t them glowing in the dark
Keep your mouth shut so they can’t see your tongue trying to light a spark
Keep your toes pointed straight so they can’t see your restless feet trying to embark
Keep your fist clenched so they can’t see your carefully controlled rage falling apart

So far, so good.
Find an anchor you believe in
Find a cause you can weave in
Find a savior you can breathe in

So far, so good.
Stand up, not out
Believe in, don't doubt
Listen quietly, don’t shout

So far, so good.
Don’t tell them why they’re so afraid of the light
Take the food from the hand, don’t bite
Don’t bruise knuckles against the pavement putting up a fight

So far, so good….right?

You took a chance on me
The dying apple on the ground withering without the grace of the tree
I'll never know why you thought I was a thing worth saving

We watched the rain fall with the confidence of a hurricane from the safety of each other’s embrace
As the world begrudgingly continued to spin towards a new day
You convinced me to stay

See, I took a break from wasting away to come dance with you
Following your lead, we stepped in sync and I swear I almost felt a smile spread across my cheek

We refused to return any of our borrowed time
And laughed when they asked why weren’t scared like them because everything ends, right?

We filled our margins with each other and became the exception
Scrawled doodles became elegant Sistine Chapels and Starry Nights
As we danced our way through the unremarkable
You made just taking another breath feel alright

I wanted to thank you for being patient with me as I offered you what was left of my beer-stained soul

Given half the chance, I’d give back what I carved out of this hole
And dust off my heavy heart to make you full
If I find a way to trade places I’ll let you know
But for now I swear to you that I won’t shuffle off without letting my apple grow