ethan
it was beautiful outside on the day you were laid to rest
the sun was shinning and the birds were chirping
but inside was nothing but rain in my chest

they said "don't hate the addict hate the drug"
"he's in a better place now, he's  free"
and i couldn't help but look down at my shaking hands and hate the addict- me

it's easy to hate a pill but how do i learn to hate a drug when my drug of choice was always you
escaped your reality through a quick high and and a line
but i only escaped mine, when i was by your side

you're gone you're gone you're gone
and i'm going through withdrawals
i need you
i need my high

maybe someday they will say she's finally free too - when i die

I heard my mom saying that my body is a temple
When It took just 3 text messages to get you through my door
Your finger prints all over this broken building, my body
As you enter without even knocking, screaming you love me
As it took just one goodbye
to be forced to act like I don’t know you anymore

I heard my mom saying my body is a temple
When I stumbled drunk into your room
You took a bat to the already broken doors and windows of this building
Screaming that I’m good enough, good enough for you
then watching you roll over and ignore  my calls the next day at noon

I heard my mom say my body is a temple
When I realized mine is nothing more than the resting point along the way
Because temples are full of worship and love .
Something I have never felt inside these broken down doors and cracked walls
No my body is not a temple,
for I’m just  something you stop at because it’s beautiful,
but never the place you want to stay

it's much easier to push people away
before they get the chance to do the same to you

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
waiting for them to grow back

I've spent months on my knees praying for a miracle  
I've spent months watering flowers that were already dead

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
thinking of all that could've been

remembering how they once flourished
remembering all that was done and said

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
unable to move

to scared to leave it all behind
to tired to peruse  

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers

because there's nothing else I can do

because of you
I use to see colors
but now all I see is grey
at one point your purpose
was intended to be a medicine
but you turned into a drug
and now I'm a struggling addict
that's going through withdrawals-
tell me how to get the colors of my life back that I gave to you
because when I said I loved you so much that I was willing to give you everything;
I didn't think you would keep it all when you left

i had a past drug addict tell me once that picking up smoking cigarettes helped them drop their addiction of the other dugs
it was a distraction that calmed their body and mind down when it wanted the drugs
they said they were clean for years but not a day goes by that they don't miss the drugs and the way they made them feel

you're gone
and i kissed a million different boys over and over  to replace the feeling you gave me
behind closed eyes and closed doors my mind and body replaced you with him for those few hours
i haven't seen you in years but not a day goes by that i don't miss the way you made me feel

in another universe  
It's summer
Your laugh still sounds the same
and your smile is still contagious
Your favorite color is still orange
the smell of rain floods into the room
we are tangled up together
we share stories
You promise to be mine forever

in this universe
It's winter
a boy in my class has a laugh that reminds me of yours
I stopped sitting by him
I see your smile in your pictures with her
Remember when I told you my favorite color was purple?
It's not anymore  
I'm sure yours still isn't orange
It's cold all the time now
It doesn't smell like rain
I'm laying alone in the blanket you bought me
I didn't know forever only lasted 3 years

a dream that you're walking through the graveyard where i am buried, and you keep walking right past my gravestone without hesitation

I have a monster inside my head
it disguises its self using my own voice
it tells me I'm not pretty, no one loves me, I'm not smart, I'm doing everything wrong, and that I'll always be alone
some days I'm as bright as the sun while others I'm as dark as a night sky filled with no moon
I try to tell myself "you're happy, you're happy, you're happy"
but I never am
this monster has controlled everything
I have depression: and it's winning

You stopped showing up in my dreams more and more each day
so I stopped wearing makeup when I went to bed
I no longer woke up on my side of the bed
instead I started carelessly waking up on yours without hesitation
my heart stopped skipping a beat every time the door bell went off, or the phone rang in hopes that it might be you
the songs that we use to sing along together soon lost their meaning and became just songs to me
I stopped talking about it
I stopped saying your name more than my own everyday
I went back to all the places we use to go
I ate all the food we use to eat again
I kissed other boys
and I danced until my feet hurt and the room was spinning

but just because you're no longer here, and I don't talk about it, think about it, or even miss you anymore
doesn't mean that you didn't take a part of me when you slammed the front door shut
it doesn't mean that I have laughed or smiled the same since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and it doesn't mean that I don't feel my heart break all over agin when I see you with her

because you were a wound
and time is a bandaid that has healed me
but you have forever left a scar that no amount of time or other temporary bandages could ever heal

you were the hunter,
and I was the prey
you set up traps to trick me into your frigid clutch
my guard use to be so strong
but you tricked me to forget that
and there I stood
heart open, arms wide, and giving you every part of myself
it didn't take one shot but instead it took much more
because after each shot I kept wandering back to you
it didn't take long for the scars on my heart to start accumulating
you fire one last shot
I remembered when you promised you would never hurt me
but here I am drowning in my own pain and tears
I think you've finally killed me
-----------------------------------

I've come to the realization that after all this time I have not been missing you

I have just missed being in love

all I know is I no longer remember what it feels like to not miss you

if memories could **** I would already be dead
because the sound of your voice and the pressure of your touch live like knifes inside my head

so what will you say when they find me dead on the ground?
clenching a map with your heart on it scratched in my blood while my voice is not even making a sound

will you turn yourself in for murdering our love and killing me?
or will i forever pay the price while you get to hold her hand and walk the earth free

while I take my last and final breath I will never understand how easy it was for you to walk away
but how easy it was for every word and every touch and every memory to always stay

if memories could **** I would already be dead
because the sound of your voice and the pressure of your touch live like knifes inside my head

sometimes i wonder if when i die
in my after life i will be with you again
or if it will finally be a life free of your memory

hell is dreaming about you, and waking up in someone else's bed

morning sunshine
shines over last nights regret
uncovers the shadows
a boy I feel like I have not met

though I wake up next to him
I know nothing but his skin
not a name to his face
but I already let him in

days pass and he is absent from my life
his face replaced by a number just added to the list
I'm not worth a call or a text
although we already kissed

he posts pictures with her
and doesn't respond to me
the alcohol goes down to heal the pain
till that new boy at the party is all I can see

morning sunshine
shines over last nights regret
uncovers the shadows
a boy I feel like I have not met

all I know is that all the mirrors have been smashed-
I finally got tired of looking into them
and trying to figure out what it is about me,
that makes me so easy to forget

i want to write about how your touch fit perfectly on parts of my body where others hands have never seem to fit before
i want to write about movie dates and sunsets and how i started wearing my old band tshirts again
i want to write about sober nights and sober mornings, and the feeling of waking up next to someone holding me again
i want to write about how I've spent so much time writing about him but i don't want to anymore
i want to write about happiness

i want to write about you

i stand in the mirror for hours
wondering what it is about me that makes me so easy to replace
i stand over the sink and try to wash the words "use me" off my forehead
only to find out it was tattooed on to my skin
i run my fingers down my body and feel every single name of the boys that came after you carved on to me like a name on a grave stone
i place my hand on my heart but feel no beat

because see they talk about death as in the ones who leave forever, but they never talk about the ones that have died but are still walking this earth
they don't talk about the ones with fake smiles and laughs that are just illusions
illusions so you can't see that they are just completely empty inside
a walking grave

i stand in the mirror for hours
wondering what it is about me that makes me so easy to replace

but now i know- no one can love someone that's already dead

I tried to lose you
when his laugh sounded like yours
and my mind pictured your face on his
I closed my eyes
And submerged my body under the water
To wash you clean off of me
Here, all the earths’ sounds disappeared
Here, I could no longer see
But you, you were still there
The sound of your voice and the image of your face
Washed over me like the water I was beneath
I tried to lose you
but I’m drowning
Drowning in the memory of you

a dream i keep trying to write "I'm sorry" with chalk on your driveway but it's pouring rain

it's hard to walk in your own room these days
because it feels more like a cemetery
a cemetery holding all the different versions of yourself you created
just to try and be good enough
for someone else

i remember when i use to tell them “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” as they would carelessly walk out of my life again. these days i’ve grown to hold the door open and watch as they go instead. watching them leave me now is something like driving past a horrible accident and although you don’t want to look, you do anyways. i’ve grown use to these accidents, i’ve grown use to watching each and every one of them crash and burn and leave me with nothing. ive grown use to watching them leave and walk out of my life. so save me and just go. i’ll hold the door open for you.

i find my self dreaming that i am kissing you
on all the roof tops
i almost jumped off of before

i want to kiss you in every body of water i use to wish i was drowning in

a dream where i didn't know the color of your eyes

I am happy that you found happiness with someone else


I just wish that I could have been the one that found it first.

I carved you into my arms
and watched my blood pour in your name
I painted you into every picture
and wrote you into every song
I died my hair every color
and bathed my self in pure gold
I drowned as you walked across my back
so you could create the illusion of walking on water
an illusion to others that you were perfect
I let the taste of another girls mouth from your lips run down my throat like poison
but turned a blind eye and still returned to you the next night
and the next night
and the next night

you could never see me and my love
but you could always see everyone else

in my dreams I was still good enough for you

my heart is a forest
reaching for miles it once held so much color
so much life
until one day it was burned down by another

flowers tuned to ashes
trees burned down to the ground
the forest that once screamed I love you's
now doesn't even make a sound

another's touch brings in life
but never to stay
fills my heart with butterflies
until they all decided to fly away

my heart can't sustain life
I'm nothing but dead inside
everyone keeps asking if I'm still okay
and I have always lied

my heart is a forest
reaching for miles it once held so much color
so much life
until one day it was burned down by another

if heaven isn't the color of your eyes i don't want to go

Temporary.
Everything and everyone is only temporary.
They say pain is only temporary.
Give it time.
Weeks, months, years go by but the pain still ******* stays.
It never leaves.
But don’t worry they say, it’s temporary.

They promised you forever as they held you in their arms.
A year goes by and suddenly the word ‘ forever ‘ is replaced with ‘I hate you’s’
Because it was only temporary
New touches. New people.
Clothes on clothes off
But they never stay

Honestly,I don’t know what this word means anymore.

you begin to remember when you felt more like a home instead of an abandoned house

back when there were locks and you felt safe. Before the day he left and took away the door but forgot the welcome mat laying at the entrance, for all the strangers passing by to see  

and they talk about how you're haunted and walk through your halls for a quick thrill at night but never in the day. They vandalize you and tear you apart, then leave to go back to their better homes. Ones with doors and happiness

all you are is a symbol of what use to be, what could have been. Old pictures still hanging up showing that at one point love did live here. Now with your broken windows everyone can see right through you

all you want is for someone to just ******* stay, someone to take these broken shingles and run down walls and fix it and make you feel loved

all you want is for someone to make you a home again

a dream i woke up with the names of every past lover who left me carved on to my skin

i started taking pictures of sunsets again. i drew in the sunsets on the days that were cold and grey and i just wanted to stay in bed and cry. i started drinking more water even on the days i felt like i was drowning in the memory of you. because this, this is how i will move on from you. i picked up books and read them and felt my mind travel somewhere new on the days i didn’t want to be in this world anymore because you weren’t in it with me. i smiled and laughed with complete strangers whenever i felt like looking for you in places you’ve never even been.  because in loneliness i’ve found we all have a choice; you had the choice to leave and now i have a choice to be happy. i’m trying i’m trying i’m trying. i’m trying to be happy again. because that is how i will move on from you.

I spent hours trying to write a poem about my depression
but my depression kept telling me it still wasn't good enough