Maybe I'll clean up my act, just to be good.  It did give Shaun the chance to look deeply and most mournfully (nicely empathetic) into my eyes once upon a time ages ago...



(sonnet #MMMMMCMLXXIX)


I'll wear my heart upon this sleeve in pale
Excuse as oft as suits my fancy, whence
Ye all kin chide to no avail from hence,
Whiles I rebuff aught notions in betrayl
Of better sense, cuz nothing here is bail.
Or if some fragile thought seems vague defense,
Tis vanquished ere I've managed to gain thence
A foothold, and I'll be thus stripped and frail.
Ah, love.  Do thou but tempt me with the poor
Suggestion, ye kin laugh 'til ye are blue,
I'm prey, tears dried until tis proven fer
Whatever that twas aye, a jest.  I'll rue
Me folly, cherry-cheeked, and pray whiles your
Much wiser sense erm, coughs.  And yes, I knew.

20Oct16

Plus 5 minutes
in your alarm
Accurate  timing
in the hall
Minus 5 minutes
in the car
Less tension to office

Oh well.  This is so ****** fun I think I'll...give up, like Dad sensibly advised.  Yes, I will.  [ah, famous last words.]



(sonnet #MMMMMCMLXXX)


Shaun.  There.  Oh me!  How I kin roll from hence
His name across my tongue in sheer betrayl,
To savour those four letters like't avail
Me, his dear voice my heart loves with a sense
Of sweet perfection, blue-grey eyes I'd thence
Look into sans aught knowledge of their bail
Til now it kills me:  muse on each in pale
Excuse, that curly brown hair love--but whence?
He does not know.  And I'm impossble fer
All that, til who despairs?  He likes me too.
Oh tort'rous joys!  For shall he ever tour
These pages and see this?!  Don't ask me to
Be sens'ble.  I am in a swoon in poor
Excuse til dunno when.  Oh that he knew!

21Oct16a

How am I surrounded
When all I feel is void
I know I'm in a crowd
Because I hear the noise

I hear the children laugh
I hear their mothers sing
I hear their fathers chide
And the wedding bells ring

But they never laugh with me
And I've never had a song
No one ever chided me
And the sound of bells is gone

In a world full of people
And a place that's full of love
It's strange how I am lonely
And it's strange I never laugh

I used to have a smile
The old folk called me sweet
I was their own dear child
Grandma would pinch my cheek

Now I am an outcast
The runoff from the road
No one ever sees me
You see I am alone

I wanted him. Every single part of him, I wanted. To run my finger tips through his ever growing, fluffy beard. To stare in to his more  than blue eyes. To peck his lips more than a thousand times through out the day. To feel his massive bear hands wrap around mine like a strong, protective blanket, making me feel like he had me and was never letting go.

I was born with no patience. No amount of waiting as a child gave me any. Telling me "have some patience " didn't teach me an ounce of it. But knowing him, loving him, wanting him.. it taught  me how to have it. How to get use to that burning ache inside my chest, that rose with me first thing in the morning and stood with me throughout my day, before falling in to a dull slumber at night . I learned to live in the day dreams I had about him. I learned about lust, love and patience . The years past and every single emotion I had for this man grew, so deep I felt my body was not made of blood and DNA, but the roots that kept him so firmly grounded in my life .

13 years passed and still my patience grew. For not once had I had the chance to kiss him or touch him. And frustration was born and continued to grow like a child . And my mind began to speak words I never could quite cope with. And my hands bled from holding on to something I never truly wanted to let go of. But he, he never once held on to the hope I had. He let his die in a blazing fight. He washed his scorched hands in my salty tears and he took them steps to freedom, that I feared he would take.

And with that, the hope died. The lust and love remained. The patience felt wasted and abused, victimised and betrayed. Me, I felt an emptiness only the most broken could experience, for I had just wasted my heart on someone who never truly cared.