"I'm dying to see you *******."

Then die.

I've been the girl with straight As
I've been the girl who is lusted after
I've been the girl with a flock of followers
I've been the girl who has everything

I've been the girl failing every course
I've been the girl rejected and used
I've been the girl ostracized, the victim, the joke
I've been the girl with nothing

I'm the girl drowning in her head
I'm the girl who has stopped eating
I'm the girl playing with blades
I'm the girl that hates her own life

Countless poems scattered across my desk

I am trying so hard to relive the memories

They will be gone in the mornings light

I do not want to forget -

Tell me that I will not forget how it feels to truly feel loved

To feel happy

This is stronger than any emotion I’ve ever felt

It has consumed me

Tell me I will not be empty

Hollow

Raw

When this all over

I hear that this process can be painful

I’ve hear the slow agony in the voices of others

This loss is not poetic

this loss is 2 am

This loss is screaming

This loss is an angel with its wings being burned off

This loss has be the death for many before myself

This loss has been too much for most to bear.

I need to remember this feeling

As much as it hurts

Every touch

Every longing glance

Every moment just right.

The joy...the pain…

I will not lose it

Not this time.

I'm spending my night listening to Breathe Carolina
Wondering if you're okay
You stopped talking to me and I don't know why
I'm trying to get high
And I'm thinking about how you should give up drugs
I'm slitting my hips
And I'm thinking about how they forced you into therapy
You wanted attention
But didn't
I am the same
Except when the world started to hurt you
You became a different kind of numb
I became a violent numb
And so did you
But our experiments went wrong
Went askew
You turned to Mary and Nicotine
I turned to Windex and Poetry
You picked up a razor for show
I hide scars under my clothes
You turned to *** and late nights with drunk men
I became a victim who couldn't say no
We are different kinds of numb
That float on each other
Except you drifted away again
With everyone else
So I'm spending tonight listening to Breathe Carolina
Breathing in chemicals
Wondering if you're okay
While I'm not
Drowning myself here alone

I'm addicted to having my heart broken

Sometime while he's groping my chest
He rips my heart out of it

I live for being lied to

Keeping my eyes covered staying blind
As to only rely on his words

I'm crazy about being a game piece

To be handled and moved wherever he pleases
For toys are meant to be played with

Mostly though
I'm addicted to having my heart broken

I stand still listening to the clicking trigger of your words
As the bullet shooting from your mouth hits a still new wound
And even though this all past just over a year ago
Every time my battle scars from this ongoing war start to heal
A new obstacle must be conquered, and new wounds form
What you did to me was repeated
not once
not twice
Four more times
****
******
and Child *******
All used to just be words to me
Officers
Judges
And district attorneys
Were once all just people
Your **** joke may be funny to you
But think of the people who really lived through it

In trash
That's all I am to you
You broke me and threw me away
I'm trash to you I'm ******* trash

She kissed me
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

We fell in
love.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

We made
mistakes.
Not because
we wanted to
but because
we could.

We thought
we were
perfect.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

I vomited in
the bathroom
of a
Baltimore
7-11
because
sometimes
you cannot
hold it in
much
longer.

Her hands shook
as she held her
mirror
because
sometimes
your reflection
can only
tell you
so much.

My body shook.
Her body stiff.
And when
the bodies
move
the hearts
stop.

She lied some.
I drank words.
The veins
in hands
are maps
to imagined
consciousness.

Really,
it's just
a
*******
*****.

Music to
my ears.
Nervousness
between
blinks.
Noise to
my brain.

She said,
"I love you"
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

I said,
"I love you, too,"
not because
I could
but because
I wanted to.

There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it.
I draw rings, the ringing in my ears.
Dark circles appear under my eyes;
I am so tired from doing nothing.
The lights flash and we don't blink,
Forces clash and we don't blink.
I can't hear what you're not saying,
What you're not praying, proclaiming,
For there's a ringing within my ears.
It drowns out the stars,
It drowns out all fright for
I am so tired from doing nothing.
Peace and retreat drive me mad;
Retreat is not peace, it is pieces.
There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it...

I really wonder about you.
I don't think you're ever going to love me as much as you said you would.
I don't think you'll ever appreciate me staying as much as you should.

I never gave up on you, no matter what you put me through.
Broken promises, heart, skin I never threw you away like putting trash in a bin.
You've taken what I've given, but hardly returned, when will it be my turn?
To take.
To feel love.
When will it be my turn to feel like I'm put above?

You'll never love me like you should because after all.....
**you dumped me and wore another guys hood