He lies next to me in the big red bed,
hair in patches
and smooth in circles.
An elbow propped that holds up his head
as he gazes and traces
the letters of the alphabet on my
places of the universe.
And he sighs deeply
as he throws down his head
as if to say,
Giving up. I'm giving up on this
and I think,
On us? Or just giving in-
but I don't say
because the conversation is the
most beautiful I ever heard.
-And the man wiggles and flops
like a child
with energy coursing out of his fingertips.
He loves me.
Such a simple act.
Love is such a simple act.
Hate he says, takes 'energy he don't have'-
and like is just warmed up soup.
'Love is easy, mother girl
love is easy... be easy back.'
In the big red bed, I trace the veins in his arms
to see where they'll lead me.
They never led me where I expected them to go.
it's Sunday, in this big old bed.
'The sun's up, gonna go to church
and pray for sins of the moon.
We'll just stay in these hot red sheets and pray right there.
might make more-'
And he says with a snakes slow rhythm,
'It's Sunday,
everybody knows Sundays were made for redeeming.'
Sunday-
and there is quiet throughout the house.
Sunday-
and the world left us for just these few.
See that beautiful color?
Umm hmm.
We are up to the good things,
the touching things- the things we need to be forgiving for.
We are up to things that shut off the world
And we swim in these sheets
and we become red.

sahn 3/29/15

I never meant to hurt you,
I never wanted to hurt you,
and I'm sorry that I did.

Remember when I told you that people are messy?

I wanted to fall in love with you easy,
but you are not easy,
You are obsessions and rituals and raw skin and apologizes and I tried to keep you floating.
You were an anchor that I wasn't strong enough to lift.

You had soft skin and I loved the way you felt but you hated everything about yourself and couldn't even listen to me when I told you why I loved you.

And if there is one thing that I should know by now it's that you can't fix someone with just kisses.



I wanted to stay by your side but I am trying so hard to get out of my own murky waters and we were drowning each other.

I'm sorry for everything

I drink coffee
from a mug
that says
"I love tea"
because I have
a healthy sense
of irony

Die, ambition; earth awaits
You'll lie there soon and there you'll stay
And apathy: your twin, I say,
Beside you I myself will lay
His cruel and contorted face
So bent from years of shunning grace
So trapped in his immobile state
Afraid to move for fear of waste
Such irony that now his fate
Is lying still within his grave

Some people have an IT that they must face
A beast ahead or demon on the shoulder
For them the IT is writ in upper case.

I fear that many men hide every trace
Of tears and self in masks appearing bolder
Some people have an IT that they must face

And those who gaze transfixed at the sheer pace
Of life's descent to dust, to rust and moulder,
For them the IT is writ in upper case.

My beauty meets her monsters every place.
And though I'm often there to hug and hold her
My darling has an IT that she must face

She battles them with discipline and grace
And lives by dint of detail, file and folder
Each labelled by an IT in upper case.

Though time will always catch us in the chase
It's fear of living true that turns us colder
Some people have an IT that they must face
For them the IT is writ in upper case.

They allow me to see your beauty
But they also allow me to see sin
Hatred and despair
Through these two things
In my head
I can watch as my friends die
As the world brings itself  into
Destruction
I can see love between my lashes
But when I sleep
The horrors of the day
Replay in my
Eyes