The saying goes
"It takes 21 days to make or break a habit"
but it's been 71 and I've yet to even crack the surface on this one
I made a routine out of pretending to be stronger than what
I pretended you made me into, and that was weak.
I created a pattern in my head and brought it to life:
you were the reason I was this way and here is why:
what we had was a habit,
I'll spare the details because they're just as boring as the same series I've been watching on Netflix for a month without a purpose.
***, fight, make up, ignore problems, watch tv, sleep and eat ****** food, more ***.
You could smell the latex for two years before we stopped using a ****** and taking that risk became routine.
We knew all the answers to jeopardy but we kept watching and I think that's because we tried to pretend that we didn't know things that we already did
and look where it led.

It was a habit.
It was comfort after a week of routines we led separately but somehow over the course of three years never talked about deeply.
"How was school?"
Out of habit I say "okay"
How was work? "slow"
"I don't care what we order"
"Just pick something"
"Do you want to have ***?"
"Can you push over?"
"Who are you texting?"
"why do you always do this?"
"Are you finished being mad yet?"
"I need you in my life, please don't leave"

As humans we crave stability but do not know that what it brings instead is a suffocating cycle that should not feel so permanent at nineteen and twenty


So when we broke up I made a habit out of checking up on you
made a pattern out of blaming you for not wanting to leave my bed,

two whole months later.

What they don't tell you about habits is that 21 days is not enough to break down walls that held you in place for 956 days, even if you weren't very happy,
at least you were warm and at least you had something there to remind you that you always had something to fall back on,
even if it was weighing down your shoulders,
even if it would crack around you one day.

I made a habit out of projecting the blame onto others too,
like saying "would crack around you" one day.
Like I was warning others that love is not forever and to be cautious who you let inside your walls because I did not want to see you there inside when they fall,
when they really fell around me
and two months later,
it's a habit to still check in to make sure you're happy.
Scrolling your newsfeed though you have me blocked, I'm sure you know I do it anyway so you routinely make yourself look better than ever, satisfied in all that you have and I hope you are that way,  I really do
5 days a week in a factory coming home to microwave noodles and a small love seat is not ideal but it's comforting.
And so we accept these facts and allow ourselves to repeat
all we want sometimes is comfort, we don't even need to be happy if we have a place to sleep.

it is still a routine to forget about taking care of my self because that takes away time from caring for you and selfish is one word I never strive to be so I spend my days remembering all the things we repeated over and over.

I will always blame you because it is so hard not to.

I hope one day I don't.

Some days I try and make a habit out of pretending I'm angry with you when in all actuality I miss the stability of calling someone mine.
I don't know why I do this thing where I pretend like I didn't love you as much as I did,
as much as I do. Still.
I guess it's a habit because I have so much to live up to;
this "hard girl" image isn't easy, you know, but for 71 days it's what I've come to know is what I need to move on maybe half as fast as you did.
Maybe I wasn't a routine for you because I know you well enough to know you were stuck in your ways for longer than 21 days so many times and it was not easy to break through them.
Maybe I was different.
I think I loved you a lot more and that's why I have pages of words,
and bags of glass bottles,
I've made a routine out of this and you have done absolutely nothing.


21 days?
That's absurd.
I just let 21 days pass without trying to even move on

what happens if you don't want to break the habit?
I'm sorry, what happens if I don't want to break the habit?
What if I miss it?
What if I want it back although that habit is far gone and moved on?


What do I do now but blame that habit for my lack of motivation now as my fingers wear out the paint on the keyboard of this computer and I blame you for my weight gain and inability to stop drinking even though you told me never to start in the first place because you know I have an addictive personality and it's so hard for me to
break habits?

Once I get started on a new one I'm sure I will be fine.
they say it only takes 21 days, anyway.

Wake up,
Thursday morning,
smell of wet asphalt creeps in through the crack in the window left open
get up,
breathe it in and listen to the chickadees sing for this type of weather

Drink up,
warm water with lemon,
detox yesterday's sins
and begin new today
peel the wrappers from your arm from falling asleep eating
too many candies,
go for a run, cook a colorful lunch
fill your body with something other than crap for once.
the sun does not rise for you to waste the day in bed,
remember how it feels to do what you love and feel calm at night when you finally fall to bed, not shaking, but somber.

today is yours,
do not let it slip away,
god knows you have the strength to take it,
so do as the birds do,
just be,
fly,
sing,
breathe.

Dear you,
Why do you do this at the worst times?
You know I have deadlines and a social life,
you know I made a schedule and was supposed to be on time.

How could you be so selfish,
making me stay in bed all day but then make my heart race as I knew I was late for everything I was to do before you convinced me to stay and rot?

You,
why won't you let me shower?
Why are you standing in front of the mirror telling me things that would shatter someone else but I have grown used to?
Where did you come from and how do I get rid of you?
I miss who I was before you came here every morning and sat on my chest until I stopped trying to fight it at all.

To you:
I'm sick of this.
It's been three days and you haven't let me eat but once I do you won't let me stop.
Will you ******* let me sleep already? I know you have a lot to say but today I cannot handle staying up and reading old prose I wrote when I was happy,
before you came back.

To you,
where did you go all this time and where did you stay?
Can you leave again and take with you the toxic habits you brought back?
Do you quench your thirst with wine because I never craved it until you came around again and now I cannot get the taste out of my mouth,
but what is worse is how I need that fuzzy feeling to feel okay
and I think that is your fault

You,
What is your goal and when do you plan on stopping?
because I'm tired.
I have used up all of my excuses and hurt everyone I love with my inability to muster up strength to ask for help but instead lash out at those who love me
or loved me

You,
you ruin relationships for me
no one wants to love me when you hang on my shoulders and deter people from seeing who I am when I stand up straight
it is for that that I hate you and I hope you know that you are not welcome,
I do not let you in thinking you have changed
but instead I let you in because I have not.
I lay here and rot and let you do this to me because it is the only consistent thing in my life
you are the only thing that keeps fighting for me once I've tried to push you away over and over

do you think that makes us good for each other?
I had a boyfriend who I left so many times and one day
he stopped coming back
I wish you'd do that.
Maybe then I could step forward instead of fall back.

Can you go the **** away?
I miss my friends
I miss the day, conquering it before noon and being able to say I beat you,
that I left you.
Instead you leave me for dead with mascara on my fingers from rubbing tired eyes 56 times in the last hour wondering when things will get better and if they would if I just stopped pretending like they already were
I hate sleeping until noon because you make waking up any earlier feel like a death sentence.
I hate you for making death look so beautiful and peaceful when you know **** well there are things on earth death will never touch
like those feelings you took from me too
untangible, but not untakeable
you made sure I knew you had the ability to steal them from me and
that I would not feel anything if you did not think it was okay
is this okay with you?

I'm so sick of you

I can't say that now and I'm writing this from the bed I haven't left in 3 days so how can I get strong enough to leave you?
won't you please,
just go away.

Getting out of bed is so hard
with such a heavy head
I drag myself into sitting posistion
groggy, already tired by the time I stand up
I'm through with feeling like my footsteps mean nothing
to anyone around me '

I used to shame validation from anyone else
for my own importance
but my ego is starving
and I am laying in bed without a purpose or a reason to be here

A heavy head
that is empty
holds me down
in a way I do not understand
I cleared it of all the bad but still it weighs
me
down

The bitter taste you left that last time you kissed me
was nothing compared to the sour one I recognized that last time I spoke to you on the phone. I'm writing you a letter to let you know that I'm sorry for everything, and it isn't because I feel so ******* ******* alone right now. Because that would make me selfish like you said, and I cannot agree with that. But anyway, here's an apology that ***** the stability out of my hands. I'm cold as I write this and I pray to God you find comfort in even a single word I write.

I will start with August 24, 2013:
I'm sorry that I hurt myself the day after the best day of my life.
I think that I felt the warmth from yesterday escape my body too quickly and I had already began to lean on you. I'm sorry that crimson reds that dry brown are the only way I could articulate my feelings three years ago and I'm sorry that I still feel the same now.

I'm sorry I let you down.

September 23, 2013:
I'm sorry that the blade betrayed you again on this night,
but I found a breath in that moment after gasping for hours.
I remember as the blood leaked out my lower arm I longed to be in yours, remembering all the nights you stayed up ensuring I was okay.
I hated making you do that.
I'm sorry.

December 7, 2013:
I'm sorry that I cried on the first day that we had ***
because I envisioned the man who hurt me at age six.
I'm sorry the twist in my gut hurt more than the cuts on my arm that were still sore, but not because they were healing anymore
but because two days earlier you said you were sick of seeing them and to cover up.
I'm sorry you had to look at those, I know I should have covered them better but the makeup stung and the bandaids burned and I'm sorry I cried for hours.
I stopped crying about my babysitter after twenty minutes and the rest of the time I lied to you because I was still upset about what was going to happen 6 months later in June.

I'm sorry that I hurt for our entire relationship.

June 1, 2014:
I came home from work today covered in syrup, sweaty and tired.
My hair frizzed past the elastic and I looked in the mirror at my makeup and wondered who thought I looked ugly today, because that is what I felt.
So 8 months after I promised you never to hurt myself again I started panicking.
I shattered mirrors, I paced from the kitchen to my bedroom, bounced from the bed to the chair, wondering what would happen if I could just have one tiny little cut and not tell you
and so I sat on my bed and cut my arm 6 times with a pair of scissors I'd bought to make jewelry with.
and then I did not know where to begin so I started apologizing.
I started saying sorry but not telling you why I was sorry and we went out that night where you saw my arm and from that day on every time I said sorry you brought that back up.
I remember the way that I covered those 6 cuts but it stung,
I remember more the look on your face when you'd realized what I'd done.
You turned white and I do not mean it as a cliche, you lost the color in your face and I lost you that day

Although I kept you for two more years, I lost you that very second because every fight after that lead back to june 1 where I was selfish.

and I am sorry.

Fast forward fifty weeks later when I stopped breathing at the amusement park.
I'm sorry I ruined your night. I'm sorry that I picked fights just to get your attention because it was fleeting like my trust only in a way that mimics those dust bowls we learned about in grammar school.
Only they do not teach you what to do when you are what is left barren, empty.

I'm sorry I got mad that you called me fat.
I'm sorry I was fat.  
I was working on it but I was too tired to go to the gym because we stayed up watching tv again. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I wanted to go to the gym but it took away time we set aside to rot away and leave imprints on the bed I cannot pretend I do not feel no matter how many times I toss and turn.


I'm sorry that I invalidated years of effort by tarnishing your reputation, the one you cared about more than your character.
I'm sorry you care about her more.
I'm sorry I had *** with you on Easter then thought it meant something because 8 months before you questioned how I could do the same when you broke my heart for the 3rd time that week.
I was weak. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I told everyone you were cruel to me becuase I was still healing from the last and bitter bruise you left on me.

I'm sorry.

When you learn how to write they teach you
"show, don't tell"
to keep the mystery alive, to keep it vibrant, keep it flowing
They tell you keep it short and sweet, with details subtle enough to envision the beautiful girl you make the protagonist who beholds every quality you yourself are lacking but can compensate for in another, ficticious character.
And so you decorate her with
serendipitous flaws and stories that resolve once the page has turned
but as you type you lose who you are.
Show, dont' tell. So you make sure well enough that she glows so that all the readers know she is not hurting. You make sure her eyes beam and that her smile radiates so that no one knows you're breaking.
How do you show, and not tell, when the only thing you feel is yourself collapsing? How can you show that you feel nothing inside but outside remain alive and
how the **** do you show that you miss someone because they took so much of you when they left and tore the pages of you two out of their memory?
I cannot show that, I cannot tell that. And so I write.


You forget that what you did you cannot take back so you ensure
she does not make the same mistake unless the page reveals it was okay in the first place.
How we would **** for a story book ending as we beg for feelings that aren't pending, waiting for another reason to be happy that you cannot write back in

You discovered something as you wrote
you choose who hurts who
but in fact, you cannot choose who hurts you
so you write away the mistakes you've made
those ones you pretend you didn't
those ones that haunt you as you remember that
the person you once loved is gone forever
You finish a chapter hoping to forget that you are nothing but empty
writing does not fill you up
writing does not allow you to see deeper
it makes it easier for you to pretend that you do not miss him

It makes it easier to remember the nights you spent laughing as you make them into inciting incidents when in reality
they were tragic endings

By the time I'd met you
I'd already kissed two boys.
I'd had my heart broken by one and had already given up on love.
I was 16.
When we got together,
I'd only known you for a month
But you had already captivated me.
For 144 weeks I'd already thought you were mine for life. You'd said it so many times, and you'd never lie, right?
I'd already forgiven you 26 times by the time you started lying just to see what I'd believe.
The way you made me feel alright was uncompared to anything new you convinced me was too scary

But I didn't feel like trying.
I'd already found true love
Even if it hurt me.

12 months in out of 32 and you'd already broken me 76 times saying words I still  hear in my head.

my bed is empty and you left me, already ready to forget me.

At 17 you said you'd already found true love.


Well what the ****?
Wasn't I done asking for pity already?
Weren't my scars healed already?
Wasn't my story over already?
Was I over it, already?

But you loved me, I already knew that.

You masked insults with reoccurring phrases
Coined already to make me feel sorry for crying over what you said
It was a joke, you'd already told me not to take it seriously
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn't I over it already?


I don't remember when things got bad,
Maybe I had lost the ability to by the time they did because with you I'd already done so much wrong but thanked you for always being forgiving.

I Found myself lost.
Apologizing for feelings
I couldn't create if I tried
You said you loved me but created tides that pulled me by the ankles.
I'd taken swimming lessons already.

But they don't teach you how to swim or survive when you fall in love with drowning.



So I tried to swim
in the rough waters you drowned me in over and over again
You never saw, I'd always stay afloat for show,
But I'm drowning again
Already,


Already? You moved on
19 days for 3 years, already gone.
Already you filled the void
(You said I'd created)
With white noise because
How could you make the choice
To replace me for good? Already?
You spent years convincing me I needed to stay afloat, needed you to do so.
I can't bring myself to remove your clothes that have piled up
3 feet in 19 days
already.
I counted the ways in which you made me want to die
And tried to justify it by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive
But I stopped because 6 months in I'd already used all 10 fingers.

Tell me if you do the same for her.



Already.
Already you are happy
Smiling again.
The best you say you've ever been.
you float above waters
You'd already drowned me in.
But I'm so happy
You're all ready to begin again
With someone else.
While I'm struggling to heal myself and
Losing color as I stop myself from asking for your help.
You'd throw me a line if
You got praise for it
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again
I know I need to do it already
When everyone on shore assures me I deserve more
But I'm still short of breath.
And look at you
Already free.
Happy
Already?
You are shaping waves
Ruthless- crashing to keep your name
The one I always remember
When I say in vain
"I'd already found true love by 16"
I can barely breathe,
so tell me why I already want you back again, drowning me again, already