There are many men who'd like to **** me, caress me, probably give me the entire world if they could.
But I only allow one to continously break my heart,
to give me black holes instead of the moon,
to pinch my skin and never massage the tension,
to make love to me once in a several month period.

I only give to one while many have said I give to all.
I have ****** many while he's only ****** one.

He doesn't hold it against me, he only asks to teach me what I've learned.

I gladly give,
I gave until he began teaching me.

There are many men who'd give me the world, the sun, the moon or the stars,
but would forget about Venus, and Pluto and Saturn.

Who would skip over Jupiter even if I asked for it because it was too big or far away.

But one would get it for me.

He'd kiss all the wounds he gave,
even the ones I gave myself
then drown me in love
even when I didn't ask for it.

There are many men who would give me their heart.

But only one has mine.

I feel I've lost whatever made me inspired.
whatever made people connect to me.
I feel that the criticisms don't make me better,
they make me think I am the worst at what I do.

I try to take it with a smile on my face
knowing they are trying to help.

Maybe I have lost it,
maybe I should give up.

I awoke in a puddle of tears,
can't remember if i cried last night
or while I slept.

The sun was out today,
but he hid away from me,
so all I saw were his cloudy eyes.

I laid there,
with all my fingers and toes working
but couldn't move them.

Finally I rose,
had my usual pork
and heart attack.

Didn't change any clothes
from last night,
I don't have anywhere to go.

Tried to write this poem
assigned to me,
but only wrote my name
a million times.

Stared at that box of characters
that can now follow you on
your phone, and your computer.

They seemed to laugh at me,
amused at my empty eyes, and my bumpy skin.
At my foolishness and
my childishness, and my
nonsense.

Laid there again,
not completely dead,
definitely not alive.

blank

Trying this again,
and failing,
the words are coming out,
but I can't feel them.

I check my phone
to see if anyone
would check on me,
but there was nothing there,
once again,
not even you.

I watched my characters on
my tv again,
this time I'm slighly amused
by their foolishness and nonsense,
and childishness.

In the shower.
Where I cried a sea of tears
and sobbed alot of nothings.

Came out as though
the only thing I washed was
my bumpy skin and empty tears.

Back in my puddle again,
getting ready for the next day.

the world scares me, health alerts and studies from scientists who tell you water is no good for the brain, but wine and alcohol may make you smarter. BREAKING every 25 seconds from some idiot who doesn't even pay taxes, but can cut funding from people who need to eat while he eats horses smaller than me. Looking up remedies for headaches, but I am instead given symptoms of aneurysms and malignant brain tumors.

the world scares me, terrorists ruined flying so now everyone gets molested. the poor and middle class are best friends now with them trading spaces and hiding in plain sight. Protests that change rulings but doesn't change people, and people who only want to be seen and heard but offer nothing worth hearing.

the world annoys me, its condescendingness. Humans who believe themselves superior to the animals they learned to procreate from. Mother Nature sending out several warnings for an impending doom not knowing most of us are praying for it. the few humans who care about this world, suffer the most. The chiefs and activists who work for nothing but peace, and end up with wars.

the world destroyed me. it made me hate everything, even myself. i blame it for its ability in creating the world's most crappiest people to the world's most beautiful. i blame it for wiping the smile of children's faces. i blame it for allowing me to hurt myself and others in more ways than one. i blame it for allowing me to hate people who love me and love people who wouldn't spit on me if i was on fire.

the world scares me and i would like a do over.

I told you how I finally felt,
hopefully it came out right,
lately everything I've been saying has been wrong,

Has been angry and disgusting,
has pushed you farther away from me.

I'm scared of tainting you with my pain,
but I think I'm too late.

I've turned you into me.
I've made you hate me as much as I hate myself.

I am so sorry.

im so sick of this

wanting to improve on my happiness

to have it shut down

and called stupid.


it hurts so bad

when the person

you trust won’t even

let you be happy.


the person you spend

your whole life with

looks at you differently


calls you names

won’t understand

their brain forever

close-minded


explaining over and over

it won’t get through


i want to end it

cut it off

but something keeps stopping me


what’s stopping me?

who’s stopping me?

trying to disappear

don't know how.

what i want i can't have, what i want doesn't want me, what i want i don't work hard for and what i can't have, i wish for.

i want a better way to express my contempt for the opposite illusion of this world. being bad will bring bad luck, being good will bring good luck.

only fairy tales and kicks in the back it feels to me.

im tired of waiting up for messages I'll never receive from people I'll never meet.

im sick of being in pain every month and knowing its continous unless i birth another useless me.

'one day it'll get better'

it could be 60 years and it never gets better. the world is ending and nobody cares, i might not be here to see it but id be glad when i depart this world.

i hope its not dark and cold. i hope its warmth and happiness, the feelings i want to feel, i hope they exist when i depart.

i don't want to leave so soon, whenever my heart decides it can no longer carry the pain, i will go.

He was thinking of the words
the words to say goodbye.

He was thinking of the kisses
and the hugs
and the love.

The love he no longer felt
for her.

He finally got the courage
the courage to look her in the eye.

He looked in those eyes and
realized he couldn't.

The words wouldn't come out,
the words wouldn't form.

So he thought of the kisses
and the hugs
and the love.

And said goodbye.

He hurts me in ways,
I can't understand.
He chokes me when I'm drowning
And won't stop until I reach the sea floor.
He can play the victim;
While I feign the warrior role
And comfort him.
He plays both director and writer
And makes me the stagehand as he steals the screen
Then in the end, as the curtain comes down, he's drowning on the ocean floor.

He told me:
  I want to change you, without so many words.
without the abrasiveness of so many words.
  let me do your eyebrows, he told me, what's wrong with them I asked:
they need an improvement, he told me.
' Hold my hand, Give me a kiss, I was about to touch your ****, but I held back some self - control' until his head rested on my breast without my permission.
All of this seems signs of something I have already experienced: a continuation of the same old play whose lead role never changes.

my breathing is slow, calm.
It's so steady
my chest barely lifts itself.

what if it stopped-

I try holding my breath
aware that my lungs can only
hold in so much air before forcing me to breathe.

my heart still beats in tune
with my breath.

what will happen
if my chest needs
assistance.
will I be grateful of the breaths
I had or angry for the few I have left?

You tell me lies to find out who I am,
but what does that make you?
The lies you tell me,
put me on a whirlwind of hate and distrust,
and I don't know when the ride will *end.

i've lost that touch
that inspiration
part of me
half of my soul
gone away.

thoughts are scrambled
can't think straight
days and nights seem
to collide.

can't be myself
what the hell
is going on?

helpp please.

i am dying.

I've known you my whole life,
only one photograph I have of you.
An army photo that hangs in a picture frame collecting dust.
My childhood had more pain than love, I cried more than I smiled.
I developed anxiety and self-harm before I knew what they were,
the kids at school didn't know how sad I was or
how I felt when school was over
because I knew I had to go home.
Everyone hates you except the garbage you respect more than family.
I often wish I had a different father
a father who I would one day cry for when he passed
but I know I'd at least probably shed one tear, who knows.
Someone who showed affection or at least knew how too.
I want to blame you for the way I am,
for the way you didn't teach me about boys
and the harm they can cause
for letting my mother be my father
when you were sitting right there
for believing yourself to have succeded in fatherhood
when you failed
and for the the people I've hurt,
but
should I blame you?
I'm confused on whether to like you or love you,
your my parent
im 50% of you,
a part of you is me.
I've tried for 21 years and I'll probably try until I'm old and gray.
Your mother often spoke worse of you,
my mother and your ex-wife did too
It's probably why you spoke worse of me
without knowing it
without knowing me and how sad I am
I wish I didn't know you
I wish I was a girl whose father's past
didn't complete my lonely future
maybe I could understand you
maybe I could like you,
maybe I could love you.

when i write poetry
i don't think,
everything you read
is my heart on the page.

i don't think about the words,
the format,
the spelling,
i even bang on the keyboards sometimes.

when i write poetry,
i feel everything
at that moment,
all things I've been afraid to say

I tell my story in more ways
than one.

hoping those who read my words,
realize its meant for them
and understand I could not say it
to their face
and see the look in their eyes.

only strangers know my truth,
as friends have laughed at me in the past.

when i write poetry,
i don't think
everything you are reading
is my heart on the page.

i want a love
that's mine
and no one
elses,
even if
i hate it.

even if it
tears my heart out
and burns my throat
when i speak of it.

even when i want to
crawl away and run away
from it,
ill stay
because its mine
and only mine.

Monster wheels on a minivan
I call it a scream
with a driver
whose face I've never seen.

He parks outside my home
everyday
but I don't know anyone
who can see
six feet under.

i was sitting on a bench and everyone that passed looked so full. they were smiling and had places to go. i was content staring at them and watching them walk to their destination wondering if the life they lead was better than mine. then i thought about myself and hole that continously sits in the back of my chest and in the pain in my legs began to overtake the contentment i was feeling. it became a dark cloud. the breeze i felt became a storm and instead of running i sat in it. i didnt feel like getting up and running for shelter anymore.

For, five.
the past few months,
I sleep,
minimum.

The days are short and the night is long.

I’ve ended my relationship with the sun and rely on artificial gummies to replace the nutrients the sun once gave me.

The man in the moon makes frequent stops, i ignore him,
waiting for the sun to rest upon my face,

so it can watch me sleep.

You left and
didn't say
goodbye.

I thought it
might be hard
to handle,
but it was
rather easy
to understand.

This house is ground zero for depression.

we had a fight today,
the sun and i.

it was telling me to stay awake, I stayed awake for him, and the sun was jealous.

it felt that I give him a place, a title.
when it was the one who wakes me up,
who let me breathe,
who let me feel warm in this cold world.

i felt sad that the sun was scolding me for abandoning it, but she didn’t understand,

that I only feel safe when she's watching me sleep.

this is me.
in front of you,
eyes wide open.
with no tears
but can't you see
the sadness in them.
can't you see yourself in them,
can't you see the love in them?

i ****** you up so bad.
please forgive me and my selfishness,
my materialistic and stubborn nature.

i ruined your whole life,
you'll never trust another me again.
please forgive me and my ****** nature,
i don't mean to use my body against you.

i ****** you up so bad,
i made you depressed, insensitive and mean.
please forgive me and my horrible sarcastic tongue.

i ruined your whole life.
will you ever be happy?
will i?

i made you hate people and fall out of love with me,
and instead of letting you go. I held on so tightly,
i almost suffocated you.

i didn't care how bad things got, all i knew was that
i had you and no one else should taste what i have
tasted.

please forgive me and my controlling nature.
i don't like change and i don't want you go.

i ****** you up so bad, i made you tell me
you loved me even when you didn't.

please forgive me and my hopeless romance.
i do love you, but we need to leave each other alone.

i ruined everything and i ****** you up so bad.

Find me a body with no feelings,
no feelings so I don't cry over you,
so I don't bleed my legs over you,
so I don't die over you.

I like the word. I love you. I like the way it sounds. I like the way it feels. I like the way it forms off your lips.....I like the way it looks on your eyes and the way you say it, I like hearing it in books and telling it to myself. I liked the way you wrote it to me but never said it in my ear, I liked the way you never said it looking into my eyes or said it when we made love. I liked the way you lied about loving me for years when you only liked me. I loved the way I loved you and I liked the way you didnt love me at all.

You love to give me your pain,
to give me the pain that has slapped
you around, kicked you down,
made you hate those who love you.

Your pain has made you turn into
a monster.

Your pain that I've carried since arrival.

It's made me you.

Your pain who I can't fix,
has left me empty.

The pain we carry runs our lives,
and controls me.

Pain that blew our brains out,
swallowed those pills,
and we departed.

I used to write every day,
I had a passion.
Every thought was special
It had to go on paper.

Until I met someone,
someone who I thought
Who I thought
could understand me
and my passion.

Not destroy the little of it
that I had received.

Almost all my dreams are gone,
this was the one thing I had left
and it was killed.

Replaced with your dreams and
imperfections.

Not mine.

my heart hurts.

it hurts all the time now.

constantly ripped out by disappointment and fabrications of lies.

i wish it didn't work, i wish i didn't feel it.

i wish the world wasn't so mean to weak-hearted fellows like me.

my eyes hurt

they hurt all the time now

constantly crying and dulling out from the pain my heart can no longer store.

i wish it didnt work, i wish i didnt cry at all.

i wish i didn't feel anything at all.

no one sees me as worthy to hold, to love unconditionally.

just a trophy to claim as a prize and stare at occasionally.

I'm having such terrible thoughts.

I feel so feeble in this world. indeed there's something special about me, perhaps I'm putting more emphasis on the special.

but the loneliness is creeping in, the empty gets bigger. people leaving me without explanation is becoming more of a daily occurance than a rarity.

i want to be fulfilled with love and happiness but instead I'm full of despair and pain.

the noticeable smile I used to wear fades fast now. I look around looking for people looking at me, just to make sure I'm still there.

if there is a god, why did he make this so painful? why did he give me this sad life?
why did he have people plant roots in my life only to rot inside me?

why did he leave me with so many grudges? why did he make me a spirit with no soul?

it’s creeping up again

hard to keep it at bay but it mocks me,
false hope of the future.

fantasies of happiness it implants, they feel so real.

It’s mascot I soon employ myself to be, rotting indefinitely.

i wonder whose heart i broke so bad in a past life to suffer their heartache today.

highs and lows
of meeting new people
is exciting until
they never speak to you again.

don't be like me.

a weak person.

unable to swallow abuse, unable to say to a person who is ignoring me that it's okay.

unable to say no.

don't be like me, anxiety filled and emotional to the point of missing work due to stomachaches and headaches.

constantly being yelled at for harmless mistakes and belittled for shortcomings.

don't be like me, a weak sad person who wants to be stronger but can only cry and hide in her room.

don't be like me.

to everyone who has left me, whether you were here for 8 days or 5 years, id like to thank you for the laughter, the hopes, the future, and the disappointment.

i'd like to thank you for letting me see that you were less than what i deserve, less than what i need, and saw in yourself that you were going to be no more than a burden to me.

you saw yourself as a leaf on my tree and wanted to be a branch on another.

you saw in my eyes, that i was sad, lonely, desperate for love, and felt it your duty to no longer play with my heart.

as confusing to wake up and see that person cease to exist; i understand you weren't meant to be in my life anyway.

but, thank you for your service.