I've known you my whole life,
only one photograph I have of you.
An army photo that hangs in a picture frame collecting dust.
My childhood had more pain than love, I cried more than I smiled.
I developed anxiety and self-harm before I knew what they were,
the kids at school didn't know how sad I was or
how I felt when school was over
because I knew I had to go home.
Everyone hates you except the garbage you respect more than family.
I often wish I had a different father
a father who I would one day cry for when he passed
but I know I'd at least probably shed one tear, who knows.
Someone who showed affection or at least knew how too.
I want to blame you for the way I am,
for the way you didn't teach me about boys
and the harm they can cause
for letting my mother be my father
when you were sitting right there
for believing yourself to have succeded in fatherhood
when you failed
and for the the people I've hurt,
but
should I blame you?
I'm confused on whether to like you or love you,
your my parent
im 50% of you,
a part of you is me.
I've tried for 21 years and I'll probably try until I'm old and gray.
Your mother often spoke worse of you,
my mother and your ex-wife did too
It's probably why you spoke worse of me
without knowing it
without knowing me and how sad I am
I wish I didn't know you
I wish I was a girl whose father's past
didn't complete my lonely future
maybe I could understand you
maybe I could like you,
maybe I could love you.