OK I will admit it
I guess I'm numb
I feel numb
numb ... numb's a good word
I feel nothing...
but I guess, if I feel numb
I guess I feel something
maybe I feel indifferent or indifference but there's no difference
I feel numb and that's OK because in this world we live in feeling numb is not so bad and I'm OK with it and I hope you're OK with it and I hope that you feel better knowing that I feel numb just like you and we can sit here or we can be blue but I'd rather be numb with you

You've always been so loud.
Yelling, and throwing my insecurities out for all the neighbors to see. Embarrassing me. Your voice is so annoying it's depressing me. With thoughts of my lows and rarely thoughts of my highs.

I've become good at tuning you out. But on lonely days where your words seem so right I can't help but to get drunk off that cup of misery. But I'm tired of hanging with you - you simply make me so blue.

And it's hard to get away from your words, let alone break away from you.

So why don't I try something new. Your bags are packed and the über man's waiting- to take you - somewhere where lonely hearts go to do exactly what it is you like to do.

I fell asleep on you, one night, I regret.
And now I fret..
In my slumber you did unspeakable things to me
And now I wonder
How can I get over what took place?
I knew better than to trust you
Knew better than to be with you
And yet I did it
I slept.
Fell asleep on you .. Lay naked with you
And now I wonder how can I undo what's already been done
how could I enjoy such an awful song.

For I was wrong...
You see,
I knew better and so did he

The world has lost its taste
The trees don't even smell the same
I face this doom that looms over me daily
I'm afraid, a bit nervous..
I'm tired of feeling tired and sick of being sick..
I want to feel again.. I want the rain to wash my pain away.. I miss you to the depths of my soul and I feel your absence as it knocks the wind out of me... Then a small voice cries out in agony saying, "you can do it, just one more day, just one more month, just one more lifetime.."

Sometimes it doesn't happen right away
Sometimes the clarity you need finds you in the midst of a perfect storm
Then your friend calls you to express her regret and you find shame in your disposition and realize that your life has been nothing but wrong turns ending up nowhere

And you want to give her advise but you can't, because you're still searching for the answers

Then clarity finds you face deep into your favorite box of tissues and the world pause for you and everything you thought to be true is now a lie and you search for peace amidst the chaos .. You search for calm in the perfect storm

Then it happens that moment of bliss and you cry "yes, this is it.. Ive figured the secret to life lies in the hearts of those who truly love me and the happy moments we share" and then things settle

And you get up the courage to continue and you realize that God  or whoever is in charge of universe has blessed you and your humdrum life now makes sense

I lay in my bed
And think of all the bad that you do and did
How I spent so much time thinking I was the one in the wrong..
How I allowed you to mind **** me into hating myself
I started to think I was unattractive, unattainable and undesired
I even believed you when you cried and said it was me
But
It was you who lied
It was you who cheated
It was you who left me alone during dark times
It was always you that I could not count on.

And you're here trying to prove me wrong, saying that all of that is done.. so why do I still feel undesired, why do I still feel unattractive, why do I still feel this way?

I hate you being here in my space reminding me of all my mistakes

I know better but I don’t ever do better

My life is at a standstill whenever I choose to stand still with you.
You
of all people, I choose to stand with you.

I tire of playing the victim.
Tired of being the damsel in distress,
I’m more than capable of rescuing myself

But it hurts now, like it always does
and I feel lonely in your company like I always do
and you look at me with eyes that seem lost in someone new and I know the truth
I’ve always known the truth..

You have never loved me and I let you use me
Use me up until I had only a few drops left.
I let you.. I always let you..