Musings that never found a home in a completed poem

I.

      and he swears he saw a million futures in his eyes and they all led back to him

II.

      his eyes were like the middle of an ocean; calm and steady to expertly mask the worlds of chaos underneath

III.

      to trust is to give away a piece of your heart and hope its new owner doesn’t crush it between their teeth

IV.

      and you wonder if telling the truth and cleaning your conscience is worth breaking your own heart

V.

     he almost made her believe that, that she was brilliant. she wanted to believe it, but she knew better

i have not touched your skin and you have not touched mine,
i haven't felt your warm breath on my skin, on my lips, and you have not felt mine,
i do not know what you smell like, except for the bunny plushie you shipped to me, and you still have yet to smell my fragrance.

i love you though, and you love me. i love you more than i have ever found myself to love someone, and we have dated, yet this love i have for you, can not be bounded by the love someone feels for their significant other,
you are not my girlfriend
you are not my best friend
you are not my wife
you are not my soulmate.

you are my everything, you are the reason i continue breathing, you are the sounds when everything goes silent, you are the pleasant cozy scents when everything is rancid, you are the glimmering sparkle in a sea of darkness.

i am glad that in all the alternate universes there are, i am living the one where i met you and we are closer than a married couple, than twin sisters, than a mother and daughter. we are closer than the human vocabulary can explain.

i could go on for hours about how much you have impacted my life and how i'm so satisfied with you being in it.

and sometimes i still get sad when i think about how there are alternate universes where i don't meet you, or i don't become friends with you, or i even hate you. but those universes are ******* out by this one, and the other ones where we are close, ones where we are still dating, ones where we live right next to each other.

you are the most important person in the world to me, and we have a love that is so much stronger than anything i've ever felt before, ever seen before, or ever even read described before.

i.
love.
you.

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

here we are,
i've found the center of the universe—
it is when you are beside me and suddenly
all the planets in their orbits are disrupted,
they run in circles the way my mind does
whenever you come around.
the trees dance and sway
to the rhythm of your hands,
for you are their favorite musician.
suddenly all the world's gardens bloom
in my heart, there is a flowerbed on which
you are invited to rest—
come here, be with me.
the sun's warmth transfers itself
into the adjacent stars below
your forehead
upon which the moon plants a kiss every night,
because it loves you so.
and the wild seas would never dare
to bring tears of salt into your eyes,
the darkest storms would never dare to steal your light,
and here i am,
looking at you,
peering at you curiously,
feeling as if
i could travel every corner of the world.
now, will you please continue to map
the way to you for me?
let me know, and i will follow.

We're almost touching.
we were walking side by side,
you're talking about cabs in your hometown.
I can feel the gravity of your hand, calling my fingers
whispering "it's alright."

We're touching but not quite.
you held my shoulder to protect me from the passing cars.
and for the first time in a long while, I felt so fragile.
In this world where I find it hard even to breathe,
you believed me.

I almost said it.
All I need is one ounce of strength to tell you every single thing that I have ever felt about you.

I want to find home in your collarbones.
Would you be kind enough to let a stranger in?
I want to seep in your being because I'm cold.
The world is harsh and my cracks are aching.

Almost.