You make my skin crawl
In a neutral way.

You make me leave the room
Then wish I had stayed.

I think ill of you
Half off the day.

Yet I cling to every harsh
word that you say.

With you I'm either weak
or a raging *****.

Even though you're the one
with a tiny ****.

Crossing paths with you
lights my mind on fire.

Yet your not someone I've come
to love or admire.

Your an imperialistic
**** worshiping ****.

So someone please explain why
I feel like the schmuck.

sitting behind you on the bed
naked and trying not to cry
tracing the muscles on your back
in hopes that you'll turn around
and look at me like I did when I was 20
but instead you get up and leave the room
your ratted boxers sitting tightly on your bulging skin
the tears flow freely then as i stare at my loose skin
and my calloused wrinkled hands
i'm not as beautiful as i once was
i'm not as patient or as kind
and i can't remember where i went wrong
where we went wrong
you can't stand looking at me
or being in the same room as me
my naked body doesn't send waves of excitement
it doesn't even make *** worth it
our kids don't know whether to
hope we'll make it work
or
wish we would leave each other and start fresh
you're the only one i ever let myself love
and if you left i'm not sure where i would go
but neither of us are happy
you're phone is full of other women
while mine
well
it's full of pictures of our kids being happy
and work needing me to hurry over
i was, and still am, always busy
and i never gave you the attention you wanted
i hated you for not loving me on my schedule
while i never thought of yours
and tonight was the night where i would try
to win you back
but it's too late
and you're out the door
watching sports on the computer
and i'm still naked in bed
crying while looking at the spot you once were
but i'm a grown woman now
so i pick myself up
and head over to the shower
hopefully
i will get some sleep for tomorrow
and tomorrow maybe
something will change

but nothing does

"Now tell me, what do you see?"
"It's dark... I'm scared."
"Now now, don't be afraid...
Just breathe,
Now. Tell me...
What do you see?"

If one knew the secrets behind the door,
Would you lead them to the truth?
Or would that be misleading,
Tell me, that,
This is not what I'm believing,

"I see... a mirror."
"Good, good... Now, what do you see in that mirror."

It was strange, the way I looked in the mirror,
It was like... I wasn't even there,
With nothing behind me,
There was a clock,
With a quick glance,
The bell struck,
And by chance,
It was the strangest time to ring,
I looked back and saw nothing,
And just like before,
Nothing ahead of me,
Nothing behind me,
I was alone,

"I don't see anything."
"Clear your mind, and think about something that'll make you happy."

As it dripped down from my face,
I couldn't help but gasp for air,
For the room was encased in blood,
There were no bodies,
No remains,
As I looked for someone,
At least somebody around me,
It was the thought that still remained,

At this point, no words came out,
I wanted nothing more than to shout,
But what was even worse was,
There's was no longer a voice in my mouth,

"What makes you happy...son.
Son! Wake up!"


"Just breathe,
Now. Tell me....
What do you see?"

Back again, and there was this mirror,
But then again it couldn't be any clearer,
Except this time it was behind me,
In front of me was the clock,
And with a quick glance,
The bell struck,
It was 6,
And by chance,
It was the strangest time to ring,
For behind me,
The mirror began a faint ring,
My reflection was still facing towards the clock,
But in front of myself,
Blood dripped down one's face,
And the room started to encase in blood,
I was in that room,
And the last thing I remember,
When I was in that room,
The clock simply read,
3:14

Who knew,
You could only be,
So
                                          Far
            ­                                                                 ­     Away,
Yet, so close to me,
Who knew you could be so,
Distant

Then again,
No... This is so unlike of me,
To try something new,
It's unlike my specialty,
It's not my story,
It was never me writing,
There was always another side,
There was,
Another,
Someone who told the differences,
From the difference,
Only knowing that it was different,
And who would've known that,
Unlike being able to show what was,
Different,
It wouldn't be the same...
Do you get how different that is?
When you're simply trying to know the name,
You don't even know if it's actually his,
But who is?
He,
He is,
Me,
But how can I be him when he stands in front of me,
Telling me the same thing,
And this was no mirror,
That showed my own reflection,
No, this was my own confession,
And it hurt me inside...
To know that through every pain and tear,
It was him,
And that was,
The Truth

Biting my tongue was a problem for me as a child
Holding back the words
that I so desperately wanted to say
screaming on the inside
but politely whispering on the outside

As I grew into an awkward
fumbling
naive girl
I hated my passive lips
and ever silent throat

It was when I was confronted
only a timid lion cub thrown into a fight
that I grew my roar
and learned that my bite was worse
than my growl

Now ask me anything
tell me what you think
say what you really feel
and only expect the same in return
and don't be surprised by the poison that drips from my tongue

My saliva can infect wounds
and my teeth carry the venom of a thousand snakes
With lips so sweet
and smile so bright
It's camouflage for the beast hidden underneath

So keep running your mouth
let those slippery words flow through your mouth
but let me warn you


I don't need you
or your facade
A beast hides under these doe eyes
and it's more sinister
than the most poisonous snake

God
Dear God
Oh Lord
Heavenly Father
My Messiah
Lord in Heaven

I haven't felt


this

good

in
years

I'm a woman who just escaped the depths of a cave and felt sunlight on her skin.

I haven't felt like this about someone
since I was young
and believed that true love existed
and that once I met him I would know.
We would live in a castle in the sky
and hold hands
and laugh until our lungs caved in.
This mystery man of mine


But you

oh you

I can't help it
I've fallen for you
so deeply to the point where I don't recognize myself

This is the person I used to be
when I wasn't hardened by harsh words
and tainted smiles.

What did I do to meet you?

Which stars aligned to where I allowed to know you?

It was an accident
a simple click of a button
and a small interest

And yet
I feel so hopelessly dedicated to this relationship

God you

You

I just

I can't say it

But I will

I told you a
while ago that I listen to sad music
when I'm happy
and happy music when I'm sad,
but my friend,
that simply is not true.

at the time I believed it,
because, to put it simply,
I was in a numbing state of sadness,
emptiness and drug use.
But oh God how happy you make me
and how happy I've been.

Now, with a sober mind
and I happy heart I realize
that I wasn't happy,
but I listened to sad music so I could be sad.
Let me explain;
I went to school (high)
and needed to appear happy
so nobody would question my heart.
It's something I learned when I was alone
and had nobody to question my heart.
and then when people started coming back into my life
I wasn't able to stop.
I put on a mask,
smiling,
constantly smiling,
joking, smoking,
loving.
and i only took it off when I was alone,
listening to my music
about love's lost
and hope's crushed.

The truth is that you make me happy,
I'm not wearing a mask,
and I haven't listened to Bright Eyes in weeks.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about using every day.
I have dreams about those little yellow pills,
they don't speak to me,
or appear any different than they are in reality,
I just dream about holding them in my hands.

I couldn't do it,
recreational drug use.
I never could
no matter how many times I told myself I wasn't addicted, the truth remained
that I was.
I would tell myself "what kind of ******* is a drug addict, you're not, you're fine."
But I wasn't.
And everyday I have to tell myself "no, you cannot take those pills because you will not be able to stop"
Some days it ends there,
others I get as far as dialing my dealer's number.
Most days it's in the middle.

Being an addict is about having habits;
wake up, take three, (don't eat breakfast, the high will fade faster). Take four once the feeling leaves your legs, and four more before you go to sleep, so you can sleep.
Rinse and repeat; rinse and repeat.

Sobriety is the same way;
wake up, convince your self you don't need it.
Rinse and repeat as needed.

She helps, but she can't replace my addiction.
Although she gets me high, I can't become addicted to her, her lips do not have opiates hidden within,
but they have something better.

I don't think about getting high when I'm with her.
The high I get from her kisses is not dissimilar to that of methodone,
only their is no crash.
The high I get from caressing her thighs shares a likeness with *******,
except it costs love, not cash.
The high I get from hearing her gasp my name as our love making intensifies is very similar to that of hydrocodone,

only much, much better.