The reasons I pray are much larger
Than self.
I'm ignoring my pain, my debt and
My health.

I don't drop to my knees or clench my
Eyes tight.
I just open my soul and forget all
My fright.

I don't get the chills. I don't hear
Any sounds.
I don't feel the angels fixing
My frown.

I don't see the lights. I don't hear a
Harp playing.
But I do know God hears what
I'm saying.

I'm free of my pleasures, temptations
And such.
I'm not waiting for choirs or a
Healing touch.

I really have no goals when I'm
Praying besides,
To be free from the selfishness of
My mind.

it's embarrassing but it's true.
i just googled "how to fall in love".
and i googled "how to fall in love" because i am not in love right now and i really, really want to be.
my google searchings were inconclusive and i am just as unsatisfied
mind, body, and spirit
as i was when i started typing "h" into the search bar
there is nothing in my heart right now.
my mother knocked and no one was home.
it makes me anxious:
how did i go from someone so overwhelmed by the enormity and ever-presence of her emotions
to someone so void of them that i feel an echo in my chest when someone says my name?
i've also googled sociopathy,
but apparently i'm not one of those.
so here i am, somewhere on a sliding scale
between all or nothing.
and i report from the field that it is not, in fact, all or nothing.
i know i'm not alone out here,
but it sure does feel like it,
when i reach out and even shadows don't reach back.
it's not like i've already accepted dying alone but it's not looking likely that i'll be marrying my college sweetheart, either.
i just want my feelings back.
is there a link to that in the first page of google results?
i'll even pay for shipping, i guess.

If I die
turned hard and cold
not given a chance to grow so old
Bury me not
six feet down the ground
For I won't hear
no susurrus
no sound

If I die
pale and lifeless,
no more failing
on life's test
Burn me not to ashes,
I'll leave no trace
Keep me in mind
not in a vase

If I die
lying in my coffin
a candle lit night
a lot of people staring,
cry for me
but not for long
Be firm as my body
Be that strong

If I die
and years have passed
forget me not
please not that fast.
Remember
my name
and who I've been
Let me die
but not forgotten.

Where I worked, I was quite content
To help people was most relevant

My favorite was a young-little boy
Everyday held utmost joy

His smile was wide and missing teeth
Covered by curled lips acting as a sheath

His hair was once orange and red
Replaced by brown he said he wanted mine instead

He'd run his hands through his artificial curls
Excited he spun his two wheels in whirls

I'd push him down the hallway in his chair
His loving parents waiting to meet him there

They smiled every time they said goodbye
When the mother turned I could hear her start to cry

I took him back to his room
When out the window were stars and moon

Every night he asked me not to leave
I would stay there until he sleep

Most nights he'd wake up in pain
His tears for release a permanent stain

This boy suffered an incurable disease
All he wanted was a sense of ease

Multiple needles stuck in his arm
I.V. fluids doing no good nor harm

One night instead of asking me to stay
Instead he asked if I'd take him away

To a place where he could feel no hurt
A place where all was new and divert

I stood in silence within the door
A hesitant smile I gave once more

Go to sleep and when you wake
Somewhere new you will stay

That was the last smile I saw him grin
Before eager sleep took over him

I fought the tears as I held the plug
No more pain for my little bug

Questioning if what I did was right
But the young-little boy has peaceful sleep tonight