So we finally have reached the end.
Finally, you have pushed me too far
Finally, I am right on the edge.
I'm feeling too uncomfortable now to not jump
It took longer than I had hoped.
I reeled you in, again & again thinking maybe this time,
he will go through with what he says,
darling... you never did.
Only created a bigger mess out of what already was piling over & in the process you butchered me. You butchered how I felt,
the kind softness I had for you,
you finally turned me to stone.
So how do you like me now?
When I am eager to go,
how does it feel to be "given up" on?
Can you imagine how I have felt?
Theres no such thing as letting go when the person pushes you away.
When the person brings others into the equation.
They already weren't giving enough to just you & now
you saying I gotta share?
You had the nerve... to not even ask... but force me to share?
You only want me when you need me, you weak ****.
You use people when you down and you dont even take the advice given.
You a goofy mf.
The type to neglect the only one holding you down &
look into other girls eyes saying you love them.
Well, go on and love them then.
Go on ahead and miss them
Go kiss them, rub them, lust after them
like you lusted after me, only,
dont call it love this time.
Don't leave them mistaken too.
It ain't right, making someone feel like this,
it ain't right and thats all I can say.
Can't talk to you no more because I left for good this time.
and it hurts but I've just got to keep writing and depending on the Lord
because those are the only consistent things in my life these days.
Im trying not to think of you
but I keep finding myself staring into space and at blank walls wondering where things all went wrong between us.
Wondering why now just wasn't meant for us.
Wondering why I tried so hard to make it meant for us,
wondering why you watched me try so hard and didn't have the guts to say my struggle was pointless.
I would have moved mountains for you, love... had I never found your dark intentions.
It could have been us against the world.
but it wasn't meant for us.
I keep feeling like I smell you,
but it wasn't meant for us.
Im wondering if the other girls liked your lips as much as I did
I want to rip them off your face for letting them all get a taste of what I thought was mine.
So how could you do me like that...
love..
Why was I not enough?
I know timing was off,
but you didn't have to go and do that.
I know timing was off but we talked about making a family
you told me you'd rub my back every night, no question
That we'd go on morning walks
and talk for hours
Love, that was everything I wanted to hear,
Because it sounded so right with you.
Only, we dont have the future. It is not outs to control. All we have is now.
You ask me is there still a chance we can be together when timing is right?
I tell you I don't think Ill be able to trust you again,
but if its real then it comes back.
You said that wasn't the answer you wanted
I said what did you expect.
I didn't tell you though,
how weak I felt.
How badly I wanted to tell you "yes. Ill wait. Please, get it together and I'll wait."
You've turned me pathetic. I still have the armor on
but beneath it everything has gone soft.
You sensed it in the beginning.
My weak spot for you,
and boy you used it again and again until I finally told you to stop.
& I feel better now,
but I can't help wondering what if.
Will we really just become a "what if?"
Something that never happened,
something too good to be true?
I want to believe God will send you back to me
but we're at such a transitioning stage in our lives
who knows what could happen.
Maybe you'll go back to her after all
maybe you'll find another who looks like me
Maybe we will bump into eachother
While I have my kids and you have yours
and suddenly, we'll remember.
How we talked of living like it would be the easiest thing in the world. Like we could create anything, we always seemed to be in a dream land.
I can't help remembering the beautiful parts of you.
I wish I could because it'd make things a whole lot easier.
Its hard because I want to cry
but for some reason you're the one I want to cry on.
Like I want to just lay with you and put my face in your neck and let you hear what you have brought me to,
as if it would matter.
but you gone now,
ain't no more feeling your skin, now.
ain't no more soft feelings for you, now.
Only in my thoughts do I still bend to you,
If I ever saw you I guarantee I'd be frozen solid.
Because sadness lingers,
but that anger burns.
and I ain't ever been so angry at someone.
I ain't ever felt so disrespected, felt like I was nothing.
Like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe
you stepped on me again and again.
till I was so worn I fell off.
Here I stand, and though I feel limp I know I am about to be at my strongest.
Because theres no way but up once you've been thrown rock bottom.
Without you, I can get back to loving again. I can emerge from this rut I made a home out of for you.
I will love myself again,
since you could not.
I did it before and the Lord will show me I can do it again.
"So this is goodbye..." you said...
& I finally just said "goodbye."
and I think now I'll wait on someone new.
a breath of fresh air who will love me for me and only me.
Better yet, I will find someone who lives in the present.
No more being dragged backwards, thats no way to live.
I'll find someone who loves me the ways you never could.
& sure, he will smell different.
His hands will not be your hands.
His lips will not be your lips.
He will not make me feel the exact ways you made me feel
but his words will be different too, love.
They will be honest and I will breathe heavy, long, thankful sighs of relief.
Finally.
The words will be honest.
Hi welcome to the abyss of my emotions