You are rough around the edges but you are so soft and sweet on the inside
You are like my favorite kind of brownie

words are my weapon of choice
but you're a man of action
and i think we're constantly
trying to impress each other
with things that impress ourselves

I remember how embarrassed I was when you wanted to record me leaving for prom and I didn't know how to tell you that it wasn't even a big deal so I just let you do it anyways and just acted like it wasn't happening when my date showed up
I asked my mom if she could pull you aside and remind you that it's not my senior prom, it was my dates and that he can record me in my senior prom but she didn't want to hurt your feelings
I am glad she didn't
I am glad I didn't

You never made it to see my senior prom.
You never made it to see me graduate from high school or see me get my first job or my fist car or start school in the fall

You never made it to see me grow into the person I am today and people always say you're watching and you're proud but I don't believe in that

You told me once that life is too short and no one will ever have enough energy to do all the things they want to but you told me I spark like the sun and my energy is more than a five year old child and even more energy than red waves

You're an inspiration

I'm trying to be happy
And positive
And glow
But it is not for me
I'm trying to be good
And write about happy thoughts
And not write about how every time I smile my face autocorrects it to a frown and I can't help it because that is just me
I'm trying to be happy because that's what people tell me
I'm trying to be me because people tell me to be myself
But myself is sad
Sad is me
I am sad

I looked into your eyes when you laughed at the joke I made the other day about something that I don't even remember  and it reminded me of when I was 3 or 4 and I knew my dad was on his way home from work so I would always wait in the living room so impatient and excited and as soon as I heard that door open I would get so happy and my eyes would light up and sparkle and I would wrap my whole body around his one leg as he struggled to carry me through the living room like that. I wish I could find something to give me that sparkle again.

if this is what emotions are
hot water pounding down on my skin
the taste of stale alcohol trying to create some essence
of numbness
the words of music so loud in an attempt to drown out
the ache that my heart brings with each beat
I don’t want it
I don’t want any part of it