Sitting
Sinking
Into cloud landing

Falling through
Still sleeping
In white dust

Will my toes
Ever touch
The ground

Or will I be
Stuck - eyes closed
Forever

In a daydream

I was torn from my slumber
Like moss from a stump
By little kid fingers.

Forcibly ****** back into a reality
I did not want to live.

Because in that reality
My family becomes
Monsters.

And I become a slot machine.

I’ve done it again.

I’ve let him take you, screaming, kicking, and crying.

Standing in the hallway I put on my armor and prepare for battle. My station - in front of your cracked bedroom door.

Even though I am scared, I am used to this. This armor has weighed on me since you were old enough to talk. I became your shield, your champion, your guard. Nobody can hurt you when I’m around.

And when I start my advance, I am hit with a dark, frantic, gaze that freezes me mid stride; sending chills down my spine, and my only way in vanishes instantly with a muted wooden slam.

I failed. I failed. I failed. I FAILED.

I really believed I could save you. That my words would actually make him stop this time. But I am small, and he is big, and scary, and violent.

And I am nothing.

And spit it out.

Like a *** of wet paper
Fired straight from a straw

I want to inhale it. Taste it. Swallow it.

Make it take shape in my chest; Douse the fires raging in the bowels of my being as they threaten to burn through, scalding my soft belly like embered iron.

Let me protect you.

I will eat up every last bit of sorrow you hold and endlessly fight for your worth.

Clutching my chest
I can’t breath
I can’t see
I can’t be
Me

Hands that eagerly grasped
Emptiness
Now clutch dirt beneath
Our feet
Because no one gave them
Something to hold

Feels like fear.

Depression
Is my peace.

Laughter
Helps me see.

Isolation
Is my relief.