I sit in this room; dark, dusty and blue
the solitary door; slightly ajar
joy, laughter and golden light pour through
memories of outside; clouded and far

a gust of wind blows my fantasy closed
what was behind the door I now must know
I decide to leave - i'm left unapposed
this cant be hard - so planning I forego

I reach for its worn handle of dulled brass
my hand finds only wall; no door in sight
the final sand grain falls in my hourglass
as the door waits; just an foot to the right

yearning late in the night,
    constellations hidden,
obfuscating streetlight,
     the stars overwritten.

progress has done away –
    with suns that hold our dreams,
mighty Mars kept at bay,
    Man reaches in extremes.

footprints lie; not the first,
    bound to this torrid thirst,
desperate to be quenched,
    though heath and meadow drenched.

knelt; cupping at puddles,
   the clumsy hand muddles,
disturbs the dirt and then,
    tainted water; once again.

full moon appears at night,
    reveals fate in its light,
beg the tides "refresh my cup",
    answered prayer. still looking up.

today the fog has lifted
I can see beyond the stars
it's like the world has shifted
I've slipped right through the bars

how could have I been so blind
to not see beyond this cell
my chance to leave the dark behind
this hole in which I dwell

but in my heart I'm certain
that soon darkness will return
so I will close this curtain
as life and memories burn

found myself feigning to be real,
    believe I'm pretending to conceal,
how little could one know ones life?
    even less do I know mine own strife

asked a fact only I could know,
    to not say, I would now have to show,
weak records from which to assess,
    so I craft an educated guess

focused on a fading charade,
    remaining brainpower working hard,
keeping the trust of my allies,
    to do so - I must stand my lies

hexed with an unbreakable curse,
    staying here - would only make it worse,
not long before all is forgotten,
    mind, memory and past turned rotten

I wish to leave this path,
    to view from water's edge,
this creek become my hearth,
    by lake to which I pledge.

to wade with Oceanids,
    my boots submerge in mud,
adopt which day forbids,
    silk flashed away in flood.

trudging further into dark wood,
    far off the beaten track,
shrinking deeper beneath this hood,
    purposeless to turn back.

no bread crumbs, for they can't follow,
    I can't make any room,
in this; my dark lonely hollow,
    solitude; set in gloom

I'll befriend a woodland creature,
    like a badger or a shrew,
but my forest cannot feature;
    a true friendship with you

we could try to do some hiking,
    or camp under the stars,
yet I know these trees arent your liking,
    thick trunks will turn to bars

Memories so far beyond reach
Passage through my mind I beseech
Battle for a thought
Both parties distraught
Truth doubtlessly corrupts in speech

T'would be grim to share a life with me,
    Meets no reminisce with memory,
When on our favorite day of all,
    I'm left with nothing to recall.

Our guests arrive, the altar manned,
    I see you, your heart and your hand,
Held so close then kissed so tight,
    Receding visions of that night.

The pacts, promises that we'd taken,
    I would retain them - I'd be mistaken,
And when we both pronounce "I do",
    I won't remember - it's up to you.

up the mountain with a tremble,
    no plan or gear or hope,
Sisyphus I must resemble,
    endless clamber; tedious trope.

no longer; I recall the base,
    the grass; the trees; the glades,
as I ascend; with unkept pace,
    the path behind me fades.

looming blizzard lingers behind,
   (it) taunts blowing in today,
upward; disheveled, lost and blind,
    no guides to lead the way.

forced to muster a clumsy strut,
     advancing; though I'm weak,
uncertain of journeys end; but,
    certain there is no peak.

cracked earth, gold ruins of a tribe that reigned
within this deep narrow chasm, I reside
cradling tribesmen bones, I'm faithfully chained
as opposed steep rock walls loom either side

east; a rope ladder posed by those before
an easy cliff ascent to its plateau
where a hamlet sits; my hometown Baloor
my old life of merriment and wines' flow

west; the way seized by foolish and fearless
scaling the crag is the only recourse
no lent equipment; a route taken gearless
and once at the top, there is more of course

escaping the gorge; a hurdle stands tall
mount gravefall. stretching straight to the sky
on snowy peak; a tower of stone wall
its said worlds edge can be seen from so high

up its thousand winding steps lives its sire
the old grey wizard who claims to see all
it is his conference I so desire
for it's he who'll restore sight to a fool

it's west I choose - the impossible west!
I begin my climb my struggle and strain
loose rocks, lost footing, I fail the test
the wizard above laughs as I try again
... and again

I once made it half up that mountain's side
'till the wizard let out a thund'rous shout
sent tumbling down with the triggered rockslide
to where I started, my home and hole, in pout

staring at my sliver of scrolling grey cloud
recumbent I lie, my quest drew no gains
as townsfolk leer down and wonder aloud
for that patient ladder, no strength remains

soon winter will flood this canyon estate
washing away all who stay in this bowl
I will join my tribal friends as I wait
for my bones to be held by another lost soul

prior to a bare dream land,
    with consciousness scarce in hand,
the moment right before sleep,
    appear depictions mind wont keep.

vivid images now unfurled,
    an immense, graphic, real new world,
visions of intricate detail,
    astound endlessly without fail

though this night I value most,
    looking back - it seems a ghost,
is this how the others see?
    given this gift - who could I be?

maybe I had this skill before?
    with this mind, could I be sure?
now to know what I am missing,
    is it a curse or is this a blessing?

only this passing moment matters,
    the past soon outpaces sight,
as life occurs it scatters,
    no lucidity; try as I might.

decisions made without conclusion,
    affecting a lost timeline,
resigned; with no delusion,
    that I could alter this life of mine.

The ones I love and care so dear,
    To those I haven't seen all year,
I cannot see them smile or cry,
    Do not remember our last goodbye,
I cannot hear them laugh nor sing,
    Honest hindsight; I could not bring.

I try so hard to force the brain,
    To conjure visioned love again,
Mirage I see; though do not grasp,
    Reflections fade into the last.
Met face-to-face; we're both alone,
    Who stands before me; now unknown.

What I would give for just a taste,
    To hear their voice; to see their face,
To give them love and watch them grow,
    To see them now; they would not know,
For I can't cherish them, don't they see,
    None will endure to memory.

The truth in which she speaks,
    as if to mine own soul.
No answer; though she seeks,
    for silence is my role.

She sees the world I see,
    conveys what I can't say.
Free as I wish to be,
    real feelings still at bay.
    
Points in which to prattle,
    collect myself and then;
conversations rattle,
    I close my mind again.

But "sharing can be cruel,
    how could I spread such pain?".
I want to break this rule,
    I need to play her game.

The misty rolling hills up high,
Bridging both the sea and sky,
Ocean below - the town above,
Transparent is this pure love.

Beg for cloud; torrent rain so free,
Wish for dark where light 'ought be,
Cobble paths stretch to desire,
Briny waves spark your heart afire.

memories flickering, fading,
    endless ocean waiting, wading,
closest kin and our best lived days,
    lost now; in this minds murky maze

love-shared moments felt together,
    all drift away; with no tether,
currents carry away from shore,
    landless horizon forever more

pitiful buoy thrown overboard,
    to accept presents false reward,
siren-like; drag you down with me,
    engulfing all; this deep, blue sea

to barter strongly once for hedgerows green;
where dry-stone walls entwine the bleating fields,
pray wander day to chance a badger seen;
near-timeless river flows 'round chestnut yields.

hear amber leaves fell blanket my path set;
spry squirrels dart along a mighty bough.
out woodland copse reveals serene vignette;
idyllic landscapes; bluff and heath plateau.

black crows' flock swallowed by the settled fog,
gales undress oak in endless leaf supply,
to witness season on moss-covered log;
as water falls with thunderous rage from high.

now dreaming to restore a muse sublime;
of flourished natural beauty braced in time.

Those dispiriting hard lost years,
Spent dwelling in non-conviction,
Wholly baseless unsound fears,
Elected self-set restriction

Indecisive in all virtue,
A Soul of simple stagnation,
Purposeless to continue,
Habitual resignation

Maintaining pacificity,
Stood lingering at a junction,
Airing false felicity,
Unknowingly in dysfunction

~

Now unblinded, enabling change,
Emotions no longer fiction,
Greater tomorrow waits in range,
Confession now needs conviction.