let me start by saying i'm not a spiritual person
i don't believe in destiny
or even probably god
but today i had a spiritual moment
mid afternoon
listening to the song she told me she loved
and it's completely silent except for the gentle
sounds of guitar and lyrics
oh god the lyrics
through rivers and roads, rivers and roads
and as i thought about if you were in heaven or even had a soul anymore
sunlight seeped through my window
and i think i felt you
i clutched my arms around myself
and squinched my eyes shut
and felt like it was you that was hugging me
and you were telling me how proud of me you are
and how i've grown into such a remarkable woman
and i whispered into the charged air that i would try for you
i will live my life for you
i will work so ******* hard to make you proud of me
and i know if you were here now
i wouldn't need to rely on the window
because the sunlight would be seeping out of you

i thought you saw me as something special
you said i was interesting
who just says that?
we stayed up late last night
making plans and taking selfies
i thought you were beautiful without makeup
i still do
you told me you would make me a mix tape
who just does that?
i thought you at least saw me as a possibility
until my friend told me the two of you talked about the same things
the same movies
the same snapchats
the same late night conversations
and plans to hang out later
i was never special
you never wanted me
and i feel so ******* idiotic for crying over this
because we never even dated or acknowledged
the possibility of romance
and i imagined a world that wasn't really there
there's always the possibility that i'll grow some guts
and tell you how i feel
but i'm a coward
and scared of living to that extent
how could i let myself hope?

i had thought
the boy in my computer science class
with the foreign skin and army outfit
was the epitome of adorable
breaking into spanish when he got overexcited about learning
which was always
and i was excited when we were paired together today
until he seemed genuinely impressed by my competency
and contributed nothing
suddenly his misunderstandings of gender and sexism no longer
seemed like something i could cutely teach him about
but a tragic flaw
and a person i didn't want to be around

all i want is to live in the skins universe
where everything is in a hazy summer filter
with every glance charged with meaning and energy
and getting ****** on drugs is a legitimate pastime
and everyone's wardrobe is so individualistic
who would give a **** about society?
we're too busy having *** and getting trashed and laughing
we're too busy living the life we wished we could live

i'm sick of writing poems about you
but nothing else invokes the same extent of emotion
you make me so
ugh
insecure, unsure, unwell
but then
you smile at me
or tell me we should hang out soon
and i pour out words

prom itself is just an overglorified dance
the after party is where the real fun begins
sitting at the kitchen table of my best friend's house
sipping strawberry margaritas her mom made
then progressing to shots of tequila
and playing shots uno, steadily getting more and more dizzy
until i'm trying to twerk on a wall
and calling my friends to tell them i love them
pretending to be a koala on an armrest
updating my snapchat story so people at other gatherings can be jealous
forgetting how to pull my pants back up in the bathroom
talking to my ex boyfriend for an hour on the phone, telling him
exactly why i didn't dance with him at prom
and that i fingered myself for a boy
and i wanted to tell him and everyone, for that matter, about her
but i didn't because rejection and rumors are my worst enemies
he stays quiet and the only sound left is
my frantic whispering that i hope i stay this happy in the morning
because sober me lays in the deep end of the spectrum of sadness

it seems weird to me that
i spend all my time thinking about you
and what you might think of the insignificant things i do
while you may not even think of me at all