Oh my love.
Ryan James,
is the name you chose.
And it is a name that I shall never forget.

For you have shown me love that my heart has always craved.
You have loved me through all of the bad days.
The days where I laid in bed and didn’t want to talk.
To the days where I was snappy and mean.
And even the days when you were unsure of being with me.
You have always taken care of me and loved me.
You have hidden me from the world when I could no longer handle the hate.
And now it is my turn to take care of you.
Through all the tears.
Through all the dysphoria.
Through all the days where you’re snappy and mean.
And even the days where I am unsure if we’ll make it.
To hide you from all the hate and judgment.
You have shown me what it’s like to be loved.
Deeply.
Madly.
Unapologetically
And now it is my turn.
To love you through all the doubt, judgment, and hate.
To love you through all the hormone changes.
And days where you don’t want to leave the bed.
Ryan James, I love you.
Deeply.
Madly.
Unapologetically.

You can’t hold me together
If you can’t keep yourself together.
You can’t be real with me
If you can’t be real with yourself.
You can’t compliment me
If you can’t compliment yourself first.
You can’t love me
If you don’t love yourself first.
You need to love yourself before you love anyone else
Or else it will just be fake love.

Please run your mouth more about things you don’t know.
Please try and tell me how wrong I am when you don’t even know the circumstances.
Please comment more to try and prove me wrong.
When you have no idea what I’m going through or what I’m even speaking about.
Please mind your own business instead of thinking you know everything,
When in reality,
You know nothing.

Sometimes
It is easier to lie
And say that everything is okay
Than it is
To show your weakest side to someone
That doesn’t even care in the first place

When I told the doctor,
About how the voices in my head
Tell me to **** myself,
And how I have anxiety attacks over the simplest of things,
And how it seems that I’m constantly sad.
He said,
“Oh here. Take this.”
And so I did.
But it didn’t help.
So I stopped taking it.
The next doctor gave me a new medication.
And this one seemed to make everything worse.
So I stopped taking it too.
The next doctor told me to go to therapy,
Because that’s what people like me need.
So I did.
And she told me that I was making it all up.
That it was all in my head.
And that If I kept telling these lies that I would be put in the hospital like the rest of the crazies.
If doctors are supposed to help you,
Then why did they only seem to make me worse?
If doctors are supposed to fix the problems,
Then why did they only give me more problems to add to my list?
If doctors are supposed to understand,
Then why did they call me crazy?

You remind me of the ocean,
And the ocean is my safe place.
Your eyes hold the color of the deepest depths of the sea,
And your voices is like the waves rolling against the shore.
Your soft hands on my skin is like the cool water washing over me,
And you always smell softly of palm tree’s.
You taste of tropical fruits and sea salt.
I love the ocean,
And you,
Are my ocean.
You are my safe place.
You are my ocean.

I didn’t love you.
To love someone is to love every aspect of them.
Even things that annoy you or make you angry.
I didn’t love you,
Because I hated the way you laughed.
It was loud and you snorted every time you breathed in.
I hated the way you thought you where funny,
And tried to tell awful jokes to make people laugh.
I hated the way you always thought you were right,
And would argue and argue until I gave up.
Though, it sounds as if I hate you,
There are things that I love about you.
I love your eyes,
And how they seem so crystal blue even on the darkest days.
I love your hugs,
And how warm you are when your body pushes against mine.
I love our long talks,
And how you always seem to listen and understand what I’m saying.
But I don’t love you.
I wish I did.
And I thought that maybe one day,
I could grow to love you.
I thought I could learn to love all your imperfections and accept them.
But I can’t.
I’m sorry.

It’s been another year without you mom.
This will make 5 years since you left us.
Since the cancer spread throughout your body and you became too weak to fight it off.
You fought so hard.
For two years, you went through chemo after chemo,
And radiation therapy.
But none of it seemed to help.
Cancer slowly spread throughout your body.
Soon it was in your brain.
Behind your eyes.
Then there was nothing they could do.
You went 3 months.
They said a year.
3 months before you died.
Three months of hugging you every chance I got
And three months of praying that I would wake up and it all be a dream.
Three months of living in denial.
Three months of hardly eating because I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
Then the time came,
When you were so far gone that you basically lived off of pain medication.
And you didn’t remember who any of us were anymore.
We had our chance, to tell you one last thing before you left us.
And all I could say was that I love you.
And I regret not telling you more.
I regret not telling you everything I had hidden from you.
But all I said was that I love you.
And you weakly looked up at me and gave me a tired smile and it flashed in your eyes that you remembered me.
‘I love you too’
Was the last thing you said to me.
Later that evening,
At 3 in the afternoon,
I watched you take your last breath.
You weakly squeezed my hand.
And I knew it was over.
And for a fleeting moment, I was relieved.
But soon the pain came and I sobbed.
I clung onto you and wouldn’t let go. They had to drag me off of you.
And I screamed when they took you away.
Begged them to let me hug you one more time.
But all I got to do was kiss your cold cheek.
Now I wear a necklace with some of your ashes in it.
It is a small comfort that helps me through the day.
Today is another year without you.
I swear it gets harder every year.

Do you remember when I was younger?
Do you remember when you would wash my hair because it was too long for me to do it myself?
Do you remember taking me to school in the morning and buying me breakfast on the way there?
Or maybe when we would go to yard sales on Saturday and you would buy me old prom dresses and costume jewelry for me to dress up in?
Do you remember when I developed separation anxiety and had to sleep with you every night?
Now, I wash my own hair because I cut the long lengths of it off.
Now, I take myself to school in the morning and buy myself breakfast on the way.
Now, I work on Saturdays to save up for my prom dress.
Now, I sleep alone, clinging to my pillow.
Now, I miss you more than ever before.
I miss when you had hair as long as mine.
I miss when you would do my makeup and tell me that I hardly needed any at all.
I miss when you would play outside with me.
I miss when you would rub my back and hold me, whispering that everything would be okay.
I miss when I had someone to talk to, someone to tell how my day went.
I miss your smile, the way your lips curled into thin lines and your gums showed.
I miss your eyes, the same deep dark chocolate brown as mine.
I miss your voice, the soft yet raspy one that would wake me up every morning.
I miss you, mom.
And I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t miss you.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days I can hardly function,
And others, I wake up as if there is nothing wrong.
But deep in my heart, there is a hole.
One that can never be filled.
It just slowly drips out loneliness,
And it makes me miss you more and more.

Today we had a fight.
I’m not sure how it started,
Or who raised their voice first.
All I know is that now I have bruises.
Ones that sting when you touch them.
You tried to apologize.
You tried to clean me up,
And make me feel better.
But bruises take time to heal.
And so do cuts and scratches.
I can’t forgive you right now.
But the bruises will heal soon.
And then all will be better.
Because I can’t be mad at you.
Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut then we wouldn’t be like this.
Maybe if I wasn’t so sensitive then we wouldn’t have these problems.
Today we had a fight and I’m not sure where it started.
All I know is that I have bruises and cuts and scratches.
That could have been avoided,
If I just kept my mouth shut.

I don’t love you.
I lust you.
I lust for your body against mine,
And for your soft plump lips to kiss my skin.
I lust for the taste of your sweat slicked skin,
And the soft moans that escape your mouth.
I lust for the blissed out look on your face,
And for your hands to pull my hair.
I lust for your lips to brush mine,
And the scratches you leave behind.
I don’t love you.
I lust after the pleasure you bring.

Being deathly ill puts things in perspective.
People bring flowers,
And give hugs,
And try and start up conversations that they never bothered having before.
People only care when you’re dying.
They didn’t care enough to ask how you were when you were healthy.
No one bothered to call and try to talk.
No one sent flowers and give hugs.
No one cares unless you’re dying.
And then they suddenly act as If they are entitled to your things.
As if you owe them something for showing up to your deathbed.
I guess there is two types of people.
People with a killing sickness.
And people with a greed sickness.

You whispered sweet promises in my ear.
Told me that you loved me.
Said that it would be okay.
You were soft and gentle.
Your hands were rough but also soft,
And your eyes held a lust that I had never seen before,
But then I said “stop”.
And you froze for a minute.
Your eyes glared at me.
And you stopped whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
“You started this, you can’t just back out now”
I begged and squirmed and tried everything to get you away.
"No! Stop it!"
Your eyes held a cold glare,
And your hands lost their softness.
You pinned me down.
“You’ll love it in a minute”
But that minute came and went,
And I hated every moment of it.
I laid there limp.
I stopped fighting.
I just laid there because that’s all I could do.
And when you finished,
You kissed my cheek,
And told me you loved me,
But I knew it was a lie.
I laid there on that bed for hours.
Thinking of what a mistake I had made and
Thinking of how disappointed my family would be.
And when I finally worked up the courage to shower,
I scrubbed my skin so hard.
Hard enough that sometimes my skin bled,
And I had bruises from pushing so hard.
A week later you broke up with me.
Told me that the spark wasn’t there.
But not until you told everyone about that night.
Told everyone how easily I gave myself up for you.
I told myself I was fine.
That I would get over it.
But no matter how hard I try,
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Because you took something that wasn’t yours to take.
And now I flinch when people get to close.
Now I am scared to let anyone in my heart again.
Because you damaged me.
You said you loved me.
But if you loved me,
Then you would have stopped when I said
“NO!”

I never knew
I loved her
Until she turned and walked away.
I never knew
I needed her
Until she asked for her things back.
I never knew
How much she meant to me
Until my sheets didn't smell like her anymore.
I never knew
How much I loved her company
Until she blocked my number.
I never knew
I loved her
Until she turned and walked away.

I wish that I could say that our love was one like you read in books.
But it was not.
Our love was slow.
You had issues,
That I couldn’t handle.
I had issues,
That you couldn’t handle.
Our love was not at first sight.
Though we knew that there was something special about the other.
Our love was not sweet words and calming touches.
It was soft glances and random phone calls.
And when we kissed,
Fireworks did not go off.
We didn’t even have a spark.
Our lips didn’t mold together perfectly.
And her lips weren’t soft against mine.
Our teeth clashed and her lips were chapped.
But I knew that even though our love was slow.
That it was indeed love.
There were no racing hearts and whispered I love you’s.
Just soft gazes and random phone calls.
There was no denying that I love you.
I would have taken a bullet for you.
I would have risked anything in the world for you.
I would have changed myself completely for you.
And you would have done the same for me.
And even now,
I love you,
Is rarely said.
Because neither of us needs to say it.
We already know.
Our love wasn’t one like the books.
We didn’t live happily ever after.
We had fights and still do.
We have times where we never see each other.
We have times where we don’t talk for a few days.
Not beause we don’t love each other.
But because this is life.
And sometimes life gets in the way.
Our love wasn’t one like the books.
But our love was special.
Our love,
Was,
Our Love.
And our love wasn’t like the books.
It was the bitter truth.
But it was the sweetest bitter thing I’ve ever had.

I fell in love with a girl who cannot not see.
She cannot not see my adoration for her.
Nor can she see my desperate glances.
She doesn't see all the times I try to approach her only to turn away instead.
She never see's how I dress up for her.
I fell in love with a girl who cannot not see.
She cannot see the notes I leave in her locker.
Nor can she see the way my cheeks flushed when she smiles my way.
She doesn't see all the times I stare and admire her features.
She never see's my proud gazes.
I fell in love with a girl
That fell in love with a boy
Who cannot see.
He cannot not see her loving smile.
Nor the way she dresses up for him.
He cannot see her admiring gazes.
He doesn't see the notes she writes him.
I am in love with a girl who cannot see.
She cannot see my jealous glares.
Nor can she see my tears.
She cannot see me getting weaker.
She does not see my heart breaking.
I am in love with a girl who cannot see.
She cannot see how much I am risking.
Nor did she see when I came out to my parents.
She could not see their disgusted stares.
I am in love with a girl that cannot see.
She cannot see my love for her.
Nor does she see that I would give anything for her heart in exchange.
She does not see the sacrifices I make for her.
She cannot see the risks I take.
I am in love with a girl that cannot see just how much I love her.

You were a rose.
You smelled so sweet,
And looked so beautiful.
Though you had thorns,
Every ***** was worth it to get to hold you.
Petals softer than silk.
Your green leaves are a reminder of the vine from which you came.
But just like all flowers,
You withered away.
Your once sweet smell,
Turned sour.
And your once soft petals,
Turned brittle and brown.
Soon a new rose will grow in your place,
But i'll never admire it as much as I admired you.
I'll never see the beauty that I saw in you.
I'll never smell that soft sweet scent that you had.
And their petals will never be as soft as yours.
I'll never love them as much as I loved you.

The sun shines
ever so brightly
in the afternoon
of today.
Lighting up the
horizons of yesterday,
and giving blue hues
to the skies
of tomorrow.

Writers block.
A wall around your thoughts.
A closet holding them all.
Walls build up around your brain,
Squeezing.
Strangling.
Suffocating.
The thoughts and words are right at your finger tips,
But nothing makes sense in your jumbled brain.
Nothing sounds good enough to write down.
Writers block.
When everything you write down
seems like you're repeating yourself.

She smells of honeysuckle,
With a bit of smoke mixed in.
Nothing has smelled sweeter.
Her sweet smell is what attracts me.
I am the bee to her honeysuckle.
I could drown myself in her perfume,
Because nothing has ever smelled sweeter.
Nothing has ever been more comforting.
Her perfume smells of sweet honeysuckle and smoke.
And It’s my favorite smell.

My emotions tend to be outrageous.
They bounce up and down.
They curve side to side.
Bipolar disorder is what it’s called.
I like to think of it as a never ending roller coaster.
I creep up to the very top.
My adrenaline peaks.
And suddenly I’m falling.
Dropping down low.
Then I’m curving,
Going through a loop.
My heart races as if it is trying to keep up with my head.
I can’t make it stop.
I can’t get off of this roller coaster.
“Here take this. It’ll help.”
And so I take it.
Because I’m getting nauseous from all this up and down and spinning.
But now I’m numb.
I can’t feel.
It’s as if the roller coaster ride is broken and needs to be repaired.
I wanted my emotions to calm down..
Not disappear all together.
I wanted to be normal.
Not a robot.
Who knew that you had to be numb to be normal?
So I flush the little round pills.
I get my ticket for the roller coaster once again.
I’m the only one on.
And it steadily makes it’s creep up before crashing back down.
And in that moment.
I feel normal.
I feel like myself.
I don’t feel like a robot.
I hate this roller coaster I’m on.
But I don’t know how to function without it.
So, I buckle up tightly and hang on.
For this wild ride I’m on.

I hate you.
I hate you for making me love you.
I hate you for wasting 4 years of my life.
I hate you because of your false promises.
I hate you for filling me with hope that you would be different.
I hate you for all the lies you’ve told.
I thought you would be different from the rest.
I thought wrong.

I don’t know when it happened,
Or why,
But slowly over time,
I stopped loving you.
Not by choice.
Not by command.
But my heart stopped racing,
And the butterflies died,
And the sparks fizzled out.
I don’t know why it happened.
Why you stopped lighting up my world,
Or why a once comfortable silence suddenly became awkward.
I don’t know when it happened.
But I’m sorry.
I don’t love you.

Today the clouds cried.
They turned grey
And slowly their tears made their way to the land below.
The thunder rolling is their sobs.
Oh I would love to know why the clouds cried today.
Why their thundering sobs echoed through the land.
Why their faces turned grey
Why their tears flooded the land.
Oh I would love to know why the clouds cried today.
Today the clouds cried.
Today the clouds sobbed.
Today the clouds wept .
And it was the most heartbreaking sight.

Starting over
Is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
When you lose someone close to you,
Someone that knows everything about you,
Your deepest secrets ,
And ***** lies.
Someone that knows your past,
And all your little bruises and scars.
And then you lose them.
They take all your secrets and lies ,
And your past and your scars.
You feel as if you are broken.
Everything is falling apart.
But then someone else comes along.
And you promise yourself that you won’t get close,
Won’t let them know about your past and secrets.
But you do anyway.
Without reason or rhyme.
And then the cycle repeats.
But starting over is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Because you can never forget the person that knows everything about you.

I am in love with a boy,
That doesn’t mind that I am also a boy.
I am in love with a boy,
That doesn’t mind when I wear dresses,
Or when I have a full face of makeup.
He kisses my tears away.
And when I’m dysphoric
He tells me a million reasons why he loves me.
I am in love with a boy
That is in love with a girl.
He doesn’t mind when I dress masculine,
And ditch my makeup.
He tells me how perfect I am,
And he kisses my worries away.
He uses the right pronouns,
And defends me from ignorant people.
I am in love with a boy
Who loves me for me.
Whether I am a boy or a girl,
Whether I am feminine or masculine,
He loves me for me.

Her skin against mine is the closest to heaven I’ll ever get.
Her soft ocean blue eyes gazing into my boring brown ones
That is the only time I feel safe.
When her long fingers comb through my hair,
I am at peace.
When her breath mingles with mine,
I feel happy.
And when her lips meet mine,
When we mold against each other,
When my fingers lace through her hair while her arms hold me close,
I know…
This is the closest to heaven that I’ll ever get.

Blue eyes
Like blue skies
Where blue stars reside
Blue eyes
Like blue seas
Where blue waves roll
Blue eyes
Like blue dyes
That turns everything it touches blue
Blue eyes
Like blue ice
So cold it turns my lips blue
Blue eyes like blue sighs
That escape my blue lips
Blue eyes.

Today you gave me a dozen red roses.
You told me how sorry you were,
And that you still loved me.
Today I shed a dozen tears.
One for each rose.
Your words are like the thorns on these roses,
Sharp and painful.
Even though they come from something so beautiful.
Today you gave me a dozen roses.
Today I watered them with my tears.
A dozen roses and a broken heart.
A dozen roses.
A dozen tears.
A dozen reasons that I left.
A dozen ways you’ve hurt me.
A dozen reasons to stay.
Today you gave me a dozen roses.
Today I shed a tear for each one.

Dear Mom,
The last time I talked to you was 5 years ago.
You were laying in your bed,
You had no hair because of the treatments.
Your eyes were hazy and clouded over from all of the pain medications.
The last time we talked,
I told you that I would be okay without you.
That it was time for you to go because I didn’t want to see you in pain anymore.
The person laying in that bed wasn’t you.
It was someone whose being was riddled with cancer and dozens of medications.

Dear Mom,
The last time we talked,
I held your hand and told you
“I love you”
And although you couldn’t respond
You lightly squeezed my hand as if to say
“I love you too”.
It’s been 5 years.
And although I’m glad you are gone,
No longer sick and in misery,
It hurts like hell.

Dear Mom,
The last time we talked,
I told you that I would be fine without you.
I lied.
I need you now more than ever.
And I wish that,
Even if it were for just a split second,
I could sit in your arms again.
You were the only person who ever accepted me.
And now you’re gone.
Slipped away through our fingers.
It was your time to go.
It all became too much.
The cancer wouldn’t stop spreading,
And the chemo was making you weak.

Dear Mom,
I would give anything to go back to the days before you were sick.
When we would go shopping and play dress up.
When you would sit me down and do my makeup.
When you used to wash my hair every morning before school because it was too long for me to do it by myself.
When I would play with your hair because you had a headache from work.

Dear Mom,
Everyone says I look just like you before you were sick.
Somedays I just smile because, to me, you were always beautiful.
Somedays I cry, because it changed your appearance that much.

Dear Mom,
I hope i’m making you proud.
I know I have made mistakes.
But I think you would be proud of me if you were here.

Dear Mom,
It’s hard knowing you weren’t there for my 16th birthday.
And you won’t be there when I graduate highschool.
And you won’t be at my wedding.
It’s hard knowing that you’ll never get to hold your grandchildren
and see them grow up.
But you’ll forever me in my heart and my mind and soul.
My children will always know you by "Num nums".

Dear Mom,
You were my best friend,
My role model,
My inspiration.
You are the reason I haven’t given up yet.

Dear Mom,
The last time we talked I told you that I would be fine without you.
Some days I feel like that is a lie.
Like any moment I will shatter and everything will crumble around me.
But most days I am okay.
I go through everyday with you in the back of my mind, giving me encouraging words and a happy smile.

Dear Mom,
I love you and i'm doing fine without you, even if some days it's hard.

Is it wrong to love that of the same ***?
Maybe it is.
Maybe it isn’t.
But in this moment,
With her arms around me,
All I can think about is how quickly my heart is beating,
And how safe and protected I feel.
How, when I look into her eyes, I am at home.
So what if loving her is wrong?
Lying here in her arms is the only time I feel right.
So if lying here means that I am ******,
Then so be it.
Because I love her,
And the way she looks into my eyes
Is all I need to know that she loves me.
So maybe it is wrong.
But maybe it isn’t.
Love is love.
And if loving her is wrong
Then I am willing to take the consequences handed to me in the end.
Because love is love.
And this is love.

I ask why you never stay.
I ask why you don’t express your feelings.
I ask why you can’t show your emotions.
You said to me,
“Because I can’t commit.”
“I can’t tie myself down.”
“I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“I just can’t take the risk of loving you.”
“I’ll leave you before you can leave me,because that’s what always happens.”
“You’ll leave me the moment I get attached”
“I don’t mean to hurt you”
“ I can’t commit.”
“I can’t put all my trust in someone”
“So instead I’ll take all your trust before you can take mine, because that’s what always happens.”
“You’ll take my trust as soon as I put it in your hands.”
You can’t commit.
You always leave
You take my love
You take my trust
And you leave.
And maybe it’s true,
That you can't commit
But because of you,
I’ll be the one to say
“I can’t commit”
Because
“You took my trust”
And so the nasty cycle continues.
All because
“I can’t commit”

Now there are many voices
Some loud
Screaming
Yelling
And some quiet
Mumbling
Whispering
I don’t know which is worse
Screaming
Or whispering
The annoying echo of whispers
Or the violent ringing of screams
I wish I had never let them out
The pick on me
Calling me names
Filling my being with anxiety
It never stops
I can’t sleep
I can’t focus
I can’t think
It never ends
Get them out!

I love her for everything she is not
I love her because she has greasy hair
I love her because she has acne
I love her because she has a big nose
I love her because she slouches
I love her because she chews with her mouth opened
I love her because she has crooked teeth
I love her because she cackles when she laughs
I love her because she has dry skin
I love her because she is a picky eater
I love her because she is bossy
I love her because she is demanding
I love her because she is opinionated
I love her because she is clingy
I love her because she is distant
I love her because she is not perfect
I love her because she is not flawless
I love her because she is real
I love her because she is herself
I love her.
I love her
I love her.

It's raining today.
Fat globs of water pouring from the sky.
The tears of the clouds.
Pouring down upon us to wash away the sins of yesterday.
The clouds block out the sun.
Leaving the world cold and gray.
It's raining today.
The soft pitter patter of rain on the roof,
Making eyes droop,
And thoughts smudge.
Everything is slow today.
The rain is slowing down time.
It's raining today.
And the world has never been more calm.
It's raining today.

They say that I am suicidal.
I am not.
I do not dream of jumping off of bridges,
Or downing bottles of pills.
My thoughts are not clouded with ways to end it all.
I do not try to hang myself,
Or cut slits into my skin.
But if a car were to hit me,
I wouldn't mind.
Or maybe if a shooter barges in,
I wouldn't mind if he shot me first.
I do not crave death as if it were a drug.
I do not plan ways to end myself.
But if something,
Or someone,
Were to end it for me
Well...
I wouldn't mind.

Your thoughts go blank
Nothing seems right
Nothing is good enough
Or it doesn't make sense put together
You want to write
To spill your guts out onto paper
But you don't have the words to make it happen
I have writers block.

A burning heat in the pit of my stomach.
It fills my entire being.
My eyes narrow down.
My tongue becomes that of a snake.
Pure rage.
I am suddenly a fire.
Burning everything around me.
Leaving behind burns and scars.
I am angry.
Best to stay away.
I am a fire.
I am a ball of pure rage.
I am angry.

My mood flips.
Switches.
Changes.
It never stops.
It's like a roller coaster.
I'm on top of the world.
Then suddenly I am plumitting.
Crashing down.
Sometimes i'm higher than i've ever been
And sometimes i'm so low I can't get out of bed.
Bipolar is what they say.
I can't make it stop.
I'm happy.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm numb.
I'm everything all at once.
It's so much.
But for me it's normal.
They don't understand.
I don't want to change.
I don't want their ******* medications.
I don't want to be forever numb.
Shut off from my emotions.
I want to be me.
And this is who I am.
Bipolar,
Is what they say.
I say,
This is me.

I'm so sorry
That I was never good enough for you
I tried my hardest
To be the person you wanted me to be
I never wanted to hurt you
But I guess we're even now
I hurt you
You hurt me
I'm so sorry
That I could never make you happy
That I could never do the things you wanted
I'm so sorry
For never being enough for you
For being flawed
Filled with imperfection
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
Please don't go...

There is a voice in my head.
He screams
"Let them out! Let them out!"
And I can't help but ask
"Who?"
"Them!"
He screams
He yells
So loud I can't think
I can't sleep
I can't focus
So I give up
I stop fighting him
I let them out.
I wish I never had.
Now there is a soft whisper
"You'll be sorry you let them out"

I loved you.
But we couldn't be together.
They said it was wrong.
I told you not to care.
But you let it get to you.
They said
"A girl should never be with another girl"
But they don't understand that I am not a girl.
I am stuck in this body of a girl.
But my mind is that of a boy.
They'll never understand.
I begged you
"Please stay. We can hide"
But you said no.
It was wrong.
We were wrong for each other.
That women should never be together.
I loved you.
You lied.
You said you loved me.
Then why did you leave me?
I'm not a girl.
Yet you let their words get to you.
Let them trick your heart
And you left me.
But I loved you.
I love you.
Don't go.
I loved you.

You mean the world to me
You are my other half
You know my secrets
And I know yours.
We've been together for years now
And it seems like yesterday that we had our first conversation.
You've always been there for me
And I am always there for you.
You are my soulmate
My better half.
And though we are not lovers
You still hold a special place in my heart.
Because you are a different kind of soulmate
You are my best friend.
My partner in crime.
I love you more than you know.
I appreciate everything you do.
Though we have never outwardly said our love for each other
We both know we do.
And that's good enough for me.
You are my best friend.
And I am yours.

Sleep.
It is all I can think about.
The moment my eyes close,
Peace takes over.
Anxiety I once felt slips off my shoulders.
I am free.
Free of judgment,
Free of ***** looks,
Free of name calling.
I am free.
Sleep.
My favorite part of the day.
When the world slips away,
Turns to black,
And for a few hours,
I am blissfully numb.
Sleep.
I need more of it.
It's addicting.
The feeling of being free.
I crave sleep as if it were a drug.
Maybe it is a drug.
How can something so comforting,
So free,
So peaceful,
Not be a drug?
Sleep.

4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months
And you threw it all away
The things you've done
The things you've said
I can't forgive
I can't forget
4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months
Of my time wasted
Of my heart being used
Of my mind being played
You taught me a lesson
One I won't soon forget
4 years and 4 months
I hate myself for knowing that
4 years and 4 months
And although it hurts
I'm so **** glad its over.
4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months
4 years and 4 months.

She is my everything.
She is the stars that surround my moon.
Or maybe she is the sun and I am the earth that orbits her.
She is my get away.
She is the ocean and I am the sand.
Her waves crash upon me and when she retreats, she takes pieces of me with her.
She is a wasteland.
She is full of broken and damaged pieces and parts.
Yet, she is my wasteland.
I find comfort in all her broken and sharp pieces.
She is an earthquake
And I am the land she cracks.
She shakes me and cracks me
She breaks down everything I have worked so hard to build up.
And when she leaves
There is nothing left of me.
I am broken down and cracked.
Yet when she returns she helps me build up again.
And then I am complete once again.
But she will no doubt shake me and crack me once again.
And everything we built up together will be broken.
She is my everything.
And although she leaves.
She always comes back.
She is my everything.

They say that love is between a man and a woman.
That the racing hearts and soft whispers are to be between that of a man and a woman.
Yet when I look at her, my heart races and my mind fogs.
They say it is wrong to love that of the same ***.
That the soft touches and moans of pleasure should be shared between a woman and a man.
But when her mouth meets mine and my hands find her hair, I can't help but think that they are the ones that are wrong, not this.
Because this,
Her mouth on mine,
Our bodies flush against each other,
The look in her eyes,
Is love.
The soft whispered words and racing hearts is now something that both she and I share.
And when her body slots perfectly with mine
And her eyes show that there is nowhere else she would rather be,
I know that this is love.
The way my breath hitches
And my heart races
And her soft gaze is all I can seem to focus on,
I know that this is love.
And if this is what love is,
If this is what it really feels like,
It will never be wrong.
This is love.

Oh blue sky
How beautiful you are
So bright and calm
Not a cloud in sight.
The suns rays slipping down,
Warming the flowers and bringing happiness.
And although I prefer the company of the rain and clouds;
Sometimes I can't help but admire you.
For when you are around
The birds sing and the flowers bloom.
The children run out to play.
Oh blue sky
Won't you stay for the day?