My life
Is a constant cycle
Of chasing sleep
And getting tripped
The moment I finally
Catch up.

It seems impossible to articulate
The specific degree of hate
I feel for what I'm not
My musings leave me distraught
I feel unable to change my fate.

I fear becoming the person
Who's mind just seems to worsen
That has lost the ability to grow
Creativity under the nuclear snow
Swept away by fear and coercion

I look now at what I've created
The only one by whom I'll be berated
Sees only mediocrity
I already regret this atrocity
I'll only ever hate it

I wanna smoke with you.
lie under the stars,
and talk,
about the world.
and your views.
I want to kiss you on your neck.
I want you to get the same trembling feeling I get when you do it.
if we smoke,
we can vibe.
no more fighting.
everything would be calm,
*for once

they say
"in this day and age
sane people don't memorize phone numbers anymore
the times are changing
don't you know?
it'll work out, it just needs time
things change with time
don't you know?"
and believe me, I tried
but I can only give myself to you
so many times
until it begins to feel futile
and unbearable
I'd call your number, thinking
maybe with hearing your voice
I'd be rebuked by reality
but with each call
I was ****** deeper
into the black hole I created
that is you
I never doubted your fidelity
but rather my own
how close I've come
to giving you up
and how often I did
scared to abide for even another second
because your hollow excuses didn't prevent
the pain that shadowed
every cancelled dinner date
every 'I owe you' and
every missed call
I don't know what it was
or where it came from
that awful urge that dialed
when I knew you were asleep
or out of town
but it didn't take long
for the string of words
"you've reached
the voice mailbox of
five five five zero one three eight
please leave your name and message
at the tone
or press pound
for more options"
to be etched into my brain
where the sound of your voice
used to be
it's kinda funny, isn't it?
how I never cared for
the sound of your voice
but I figured
if I heard it enough
I'd get used to it with time
funny how I hardly ever heard it at all
funny how I can't remember it now

I still miss you in my sleep
do you still hear my voice
when I'm not around?

i fell in love with the way your eyes stared at my imperfections and how you told me they reminded you of your favorite place to be

I muster up a smile
my thoughts surface like
distant hands against the ice of a frozen lake
dragging their nails across the cold

"I'm...fine" I lied, looking at the wall
my ears rushed like a train passing through a station
a small gust, then a deafening roar
then nothing

I disguised the shaking in my hand
as I ran it through my hair
"I'm just tired, I'm gonna leave"
my voice cracked on the word "leave"
I wasn't sure if she'd heard but I'd already turned away

The hands had clawed at the ice relentlessly
and now they'd broken through

She was the only girl I was able to be myself around. She listened to my stories, laughed at my jokes, cuddled with me when I was sad and made me smile when I couldn’t. I was completely in love with her. We spoke of marriage, children and growing old together. It was the perfect picture. I honestly thought I had found the one for me; my perfect match. I thought we were forever.
I was wrong.

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. She left me for another, better man. As every person would be, I was devastated. I tried everything to get the love of my life back, in vain. Nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that her feelings have shifted to another.

Before I could even understand the whole situation, the pain of my loss hit me. My feelings were everywhere. It started with tears in the shower, sleepless nights, alcohol and my chest caving in every time I heard her name. I’ve woken up to tear-soaked pillows, caused by nightmares so many times. I’ve pushed away friends and family, because I was so afraid to love anyone any more.

Then suddenly, it all stopped. No tears, anger or pain and no happiness. I became a mirror: blank when nobody was around and showing everyone smiles, laughter and joy; just what they wanted to see. Only I knew that none of it was real.