I sat alone in the dark
Beside a cold damp road.
I sat feeling sad and unwanted
By those who passed me by.

Some people with lanterns would walk by,  
They would say “Wait for God, For he is coming!”;
“He is the light and he loves you no matter what!”
So I waited with much excitement for
The being that will bring me hope and life.

But the years start to pass and
Still God had not shown up;
And every day I kept hearing that
He is going to arrive soon.

I kept on waiting and eventually, I was filled with some doubt
And those who saw me screamed at my thoughts,
They then started to question whether or not I was one of them;
Which now makes me question his arrival even more,
For if God is loving and kind
He would not have such violent believers
Speaking to me on his behalf.

While some people yell at me
Others would sit beside me and discuss who
God is and what he can do for me.
They told me that he would come by and give me a lantern
And then I would be able to walk alongside him.
They made me feel like my waiting will not be in vain
And that I will not have to wait for him alone.

But then they would leave without warning and
They would take the source of light and
Thus I was again in the darkness of life.
Feeling betrayed and once more unloved.

Those who were supposed to guide me
And keep me believing and waiting
Abandoned me in in black abyss, with
No source of light to keep me warm and comforted.

Now others started to pass by me,
They carry not a lantern but a torch instead;
They tell me “Do not wait for one who does not exist”;
“Ignore those who carry lanterns and create your own light,
Then stand up and walk your own path.”

Now I felt conflicted and I didn't know who to believe,
It caused me to think long and hard about who was right;
One day while I sat there pondering, another
Person carrying a lantern walked by me.
She did not see that I was broken from thinking
For I had masked the pain in the darkness that surrounded me;

I made her laugh and she made me feel alive
But she started to leave me behind;
I begged her not to go and not to leave me behind;
“Let me walk beside you. So that way I do not feel alone.”
She stared at me with a blank look in her eyes,
And without hesitation, she said, “Wait for God, For he is coming!”;
“He is the light and he loves you no matter what!”

I explained to her that all I had done was wait
And for years God had yet to show up.
I tell her how alone I felt and how
The lack of companionship was killing me;
But she proceeded to again say “Wait for God, For he is coming!”;
“He is the light and he loves you no matter what!”

I scream at her that I needed help
And that I couldn't wait alone for him
Otherwise, I would be driven to madness
From staring into the empty blackness
Of this long wet road.
But she could not see or hear me
For I had masked myself in the darkness too well

Then with sadness, I let her go, for
I could see that she did not fully understand my situation
And she would not be able to help me even if she did;
So again I sat down waiting for the one who
Would bring me light and warmth.

Now I know why God had not shown up;
He is punishing me for doubting him;
He makes me wish to have a companion
And yet he prevents me from having one.
I now lie down on the cold wet cement
Wishing that death will walk on by;
Thus ending my loneliness
And this pain of being alive;

But until that day comes,
I will lie here and wait
And even though there is doubt in my heart
I will choose to believe that
God is coming.

I sat staring at the wall
No expression upon my face,
As I contemplated the life I lived
And remember that it's just been me,
All alone behind these empty eyes;

No one knows that there's nothing there
Because not a single soul has gazed into
My eyes to see the pain that I am in
And how I am in need of their help
So I wouldn't feel so alone;

This leaves me setting up barriers,
Not wanting anyone to gaze inside;
So I put on a show for everyone;
I think positive thoughts,
Dreaming happy dreams,
Hoping to pay no heed
To the dark reality;

I put on a wide smile
And laugh a loud laugh,
To put on the illusion that
There is not a thing wrong with me;

But I leave a hint that I am in need of help,
It's behind the gates that are my eyes,
The emptiness shows the lie that I live
And the battle that I fight every day;
But no one cares if I need help cuz they're blind;

I put on too good of a show;
Smiled and laugh more than I should have,
Listened and cared more than I had too
I did such a good job that no one
Knows that there's something wrong with me;

I've become consumed by this character
I have created within the confines of my mind;
I don't know where I am in this empty space
And I don't know if I can get out of it

The only thing left to do is the embrace it,
Until it ends the rest of my sanity;
So I must follow the old saying
And keep the show going.

I walked barefoot on the pathway of life
When I came upon a crossroad;
And at its sight, I let out a sigh
Of sadness and displeasure
For now, I must make a choice

The crossroad looked like many before it
One path was full of light and color
With many leaves falling on the soft green grass
And the other was dark and cold
With many rocks and fallen trees that covered the walkway;

I looked at both and grew quite distressed
Because neither are as they appear;
In past experience, I have taken both
At different times for separate occasions;
Both were quite painful to walkthrough
And ended up making me regret my journey
in life;

The soft grass would ease my feet
Of their burden and pain
But it would make them soft and
Easy to tear and bleed and cause
Me to stop more frequently causing
My journey much delay;

The rocks would bring me
Much pain and make my journey slow at the beginning
But my feet would harden after a short while and
I'd be able to walk with much ease;
But the cuts and bruises still would remain
And I would end up messing my feet up
For the rest of my life.

Both have their benefits
But they also have their consequences
One to punish the weak
And one to punish those who think differently;
So, in the end, I will be in pain from
The decision that I will make;

I tire of making decisions
For no matter how long I ponder
I always seem to make the wrong one;
So this crossroad is no different from the rest
And thinking about it makes no difference
Because I'll make the wrong decision and
Mess things up for myself but,
Alas, I will still sit and think about which course is best;

It might take a second, minute, hour, day or year
To come to a decision that I believe best suits me;
It would be faster and easier to come to a verdict
If I wasn't without a companion and by myself;
Thinking of this choice will take all my thoughts
But for right now I'm too tired and
I think that I will lay down
In hopes that my next breath is my last one

Here at the crossroad, I lie
Dreaming of what would become
If I chose one path over the other;
I have a tough choice before me,
Shall I stay or shall I go?

But only time knows when I'll pick between those roads,
So I must wait until my mind is made up;
But truth is, I wait secretly with much hope,
That death will find me before I choose
So I don't make the wrong choice
And look back with regret at that decision I made
At that crossroad that once stood before me.

I sat and stared at the sun
And at its descent I'm stunned,
For it's passing is beautiful
Like sitting through a musical;

A mixture of blue, orange, and yellow
Makes me feel quite mellow,
And as the sun leaves its final scene
It creates a sight to be seen;

But now finally I will sit
Staring at that beautiful sunset;
And I'll shed a tear at its sight
While I say hello to a starry night.

Trapped in my thoughts
Dreaming of hopes,
Thinking they'll be caught
Before I reach the death's *****;

Staring at the bright blue sky
And observing the birds,
Wishing I too could fly
But the idea was absurd;

Noticing a girl walk by
Dreaming that we'll be together
And that I'd be one lucky guy,
But I know I can't get her;

Hearing the rush of a stream
And the water hitting the stones,
Wishing that it wasn't a dream
But it was a hope too well known;

I dream of hopes to often
Causing me much pain,
And my mental sanity begins to soften,
From dreaming of things I can't obtain;

I need to stop dreaming
And live the life I was given
Instead of wasting time sleeping
About things that are forbidden;

So I'll start trying to focus
On things that are a bore,
Being rid of this diagnosis
And alas, I'll dream no more;