People say they want the truth.
But they actually don't.
They can't handle the truth.
The truth is messy & hard to handle.
They don't want to get their hands *****.
Facing a persons difficult story forces you to ask questions that you don't have answers to.
What is your reality.
Where are your loyalties.
Are you walking in truth?
Or are you walking in a dark cloud protected from seeing any storms ahead.
You can hide in the clouds.. but you will still be apart of the storm.
Question is... will you be the sunshine on a rainy day to someone or will you be blindly apart of creating a bigger more powerful storm that rains down heavily & hurts others.

All alone in my sorrow
His stench surrounds me
I try to close my eyes and there he is again
I open my eyes... he's there
No matter what I do he's there
Like cockroaches climbing all over my body
I wanted to sedate myself and lay in bed all day
Moms don't get time off though
The days are long, the work is endless.
I tried to shove food down my throat to fill that deep hole within.
Didn't work, made me nauseous & in pain.
The voice within says...
You deserve to be in pain.
Take it you worthless piece of crap.
I agree, as I do what I'm told.
***** on my hands, ***** on my face.
Surely this is the look of a piece of garbage.
I feel better for a split second as I was able to subconsciously ***** my feelings.
I wish I could ***** the memories that haunt me.
I wish I could suffocate my feelings like the thoughts suffocate me.
In this moment I give up.
I'm tired of working hard to be better.
People don't want the real me.
They want the me that they want me to be.
My authentic self isn't good enough.
I drink my sorrow away.
For a moment I'm able to escape my pain.
I feel high...
Enjoy the moment, for you need to get back to battle very soon.

I feel rage...
Rage for all of us who have been violated.
My heart is oh so heavy.
It seems to be everywhere.
And we suffer in silence.
How can anyone do that to another human being? It's a silent epidemic.
Why is nobody talking about.
Human... we all have dignity.
How dare someone treat you.. me.. like an object to be played with, trampled on and then tossed to the side like nothing.
Do you know what thorns you stabbed and wrapped around my heart?
You've left scars on my heart forever.
For some moments of power & pleasure... you steal the light within someone's soul.
How dare you...
You put poison on a bleeding soul.
Choking; I tried to survive life suffocating on your poisonous after affects.
I used a lot of bad anesthesias along the way. Who was I trying to protect?
You paralyzed me for some time.
Time to cleanse my body of your darkness.
I feel sorry for your twisted soul.
You won't get the last word.
No no.
I will.

I don't want to frustrate anyone.
Not even one bit.
I want to not need or want anyone.
Take up as little space as possible.
You're way too much.. you know.
Why do you keep talking?
When you start, you just can't seem to shut up.
Don't you know you're really nobody.
These people that you think are apart of your tribe, really aren't.
You will come and go out of their life like a flower that is nice for a bit but dries up and withers away.
Why are you so sensitive?
Stop caring so much about people.
Your sensitivity is annoying & suffocating.
Stop playing the victim.
You even writing this is annoying.
Stop being a child and grow up.
Adults don't act like this.
The people in your real life should care this much, but they don't.
They don't know what to do with you.
You're just too much.
Can you actually trust anyone?
I don't think so.
You're way too much.
Just journal like you're suppose to.
This isn't how real life works.
Stop annoying people.
They just feel sorry for you and are afraid to hurt your fragile little feelings.
Stop being so naive & stupid.
You ruin everything; remember.
You're surely to ruin this too.
Run away from them and put back up your walls before they start throwing darts at your heart.
You're just too much.
You will never be good enough.
So Stop trying.
You're giving yourself false hope.
And setting yourself up for failure.
You're too much.

The emptiness surrounds me.
I feel myself fading in the background.
Don't give up.
SCREAM...if you have to!
Where's your animal instinct to survive?
It's so quiet,
I just want to play dead.
Isn't that how animals survive attacks?
I don't want to get eaten alive.
But I'm tired of running.
I wish I had a dark cave to hide in.
I'm getting attacked all the time.
I'm tired.
I can't be brave all the time.
I want to rest.
My heart feels heavy.
Somebody please step in and shield me.
I need a break.
Can I pretend this is all a bad dream.
I'll close my eyes and when I wake;
I hope this nightmare is over.

You sit in choir up in your holy place of honor.
Does your heart hurt every time you see me?
Or are you unaffected.. like all that happened was nothing. Something you can just shrug off as a mistake, like forgetting to take the trash out.
Mistake..
You can't give back what you took away.
I don't even want an apology, I just want some acknowledgement that it happened so I have the simple courtesy to know I'm not crazy. When things seem good it feels like a Mirage
It's there but gone just as quickly.
Can I trust my eyes or heart?
I've been betrayed before.
It makes you question everything & everyone
Can I trust you?
I don't know.
Don't make me hate you.
Because I don't hate ppl
I just hate myself.
I punish myself for not being "good enough."
Maybe I'm good just as I am
And you are the one that isnt good enough
You don't just sexually abuse a child...
I pray for your soul,
I'm sure you aren't at peace either.
Sadness ... I feel sadness for a broken world.

It feels like I'm barely surviving...
I'm crawling on the floor trying to keep going.
Just when I think I can lay on the ground &rest..
I get buried alive.
I tell myself its ok, don't panic.
They warned you this would happen.
And I claw my way out of the dirt.
Again & again it happens.
The darkness & heaviness covers me so often.
That I wonder when will be the time that I will just lay there buried alive, close my eyes and let the air finally leave my body.
I don't know how much fight I have left in me.
How much can one person take?
I keep clawing my way up to the light.
But the darkness feels so much easier to lay in.
It won't be like this forever I tell myself.
One day you will get up and run joyfully where you want to go.
Hold on a little longer... don't let go.
This isn't the end.