Recovery is a lot like natural childbirth for me.
You think you know what you were getting yourself into but you don't.
Then you feel like you have gone through as much discomfort & pain that you can handle being pregnant for so long.
It's like when you leave treatment and you're ready for the end of all of it.
Then comes the hardest part; the actual pushing. That's the real life stuff that nobody can do for you. Not your therapist, not your family or friends & not your midwife.
The contractions & everything hurt so badly that you think you're surely going to die.
You think to yourself "I changed my mind, I take it back, I'll actually stay pregnant forever, just don't make me push this baby out."
But you're already in the trenches, there's no turning back.
You can't avoid it even if you wanted to.
You scream on the top of your lungs.
How on earth does anyone agree to do this whole recovery thing? You feel punk'd.
They weren't honest about how painful & excruciating it was all going to be.
They made it sound so exciting...
snapping & congratulating you on the way.
Screaming.... my midwife looked at me in the eyes and said calmly but sternly...
breath... keep breathing. You'll get through this. We don't want you to tear, deep slow breaths.
Deep slow breaths....
Apparently you're suppose to grunt through the pain, not scream, screaming wastes your energy & prolongs the whole process.
Oh but scream & cry you will.
You breath, cry, grunt & keep pushing forward even though you think it's impossible.
All of a sudden through all the chaos pops out this little tiny human being that you love & can't even describe the newfound beauty.
There's slight relieve but your still in so much pain & need more healing.
You will have love, pain & sleepless nights.
It's not easy, not one bit.
But you have given birth to real life.
There's lots of unknowns & it's now apart of your life forever.
Get to know yourself in recovery..
Take care of your new found precious life.
Love it like you would your own child.
Sure we don't know what the hell we're doing but we'll stumble along the way and figure it out.
One day those sleepless nights will pass & that child or recovery will grow and it will get easier.
Don't give up...
even when you're screaming & see no way out.
Keep pushing forward.
You are giving birth to new life for yourself.

There's this war within me.
I thought once I learned the truth that it would set me free somehow.
But it has created this bubbling of emotions that want to explode; like a shaken bottle of pop. I closed the lid tight afraid the explosion might **** me like an erupting volcano.
When I breathe a little I know that my fears are just in my head.
My brain likes to remind though that as a child the monster wasn't hiding under my bed but in my bed cozying up to me.
Like a wolf in sheep's clothing.
So how do I trust anyone?
How do I trust myself?
I've been deceived before.
The negative committee in my head likes to tell me I was stupid & naive, that it's all my fault.
But who blames a child for an adults abuse?
That's Not a child's responsibility... ever.
I was always taught to listen to my elders.
I was a very obedient child.
What happens when the people who are suppose to teach you about your worth betray you and use you like you worthless?
I'm not a little girl anymore.
But at times I feel like one,
paralyzed with confusion.
Turns out I'm actually not crazy.
But a lot of crazy things have happened to me.
I'm a survivor.
I'm one of the lucky ones.
Yet I don't feel lucky.
I pray for your peace.
It takes a very broken person to be a monster to a child.
Even if you started this whole war within me.
I still pray for your peace.

They keep telling me I'm brave.
That my determination will get me to shore..
That I'm inspiring.
Me?
I don't feel brave.
I feel weak. Like I'm hanging on a thin thread.
It's a dark lonely place where I'm at.
I have no choice but to just keep going.
I so desperately want this all to be over.
The sad reality is that it won't ever "be gone."
Maybe the wounds will heal over time but I know there will always be scars left on my soul.
I keep doing all the scary vulnerable things.
I feel dead already anyways.
Might as well give something else a try.
I'm so tired. So so so tired.
It all feels dark.
I'm told there's light somewhere in the distance, so I just have to blindly have faith and believe that there actually is.
Some days though, I have a hard time believing.
Have you walked in my darkness?
Can you feel my pain?
Brave or not, I want to give up.
My soul yearns for some rest.
I can't use my old coping mechanisms.
So I'm stuck with all these feelings of pain.
It's suffocating me.
Does anyone see my pain?
I don't know how to tell you.
But please don't make me show you.
Cause oh I could show you...
but it wouldn't be pretty and I might as well be dead because I wouldn't really be present anymore.
Somebody please help me.
Hold me..  
be with me in the darkness and shine some light and hope.
Cause some days I really want to put myself out of misery.
Oh my souls yearns for some rest.

I sat on the floor and stared at myself in the mirror. I could no longer ignore the pain behind those beautiful brown eyes. All the pain and confusion I'd run from for what felt like eternity; was now placed right in front me. I finally allowed the raw emotions to rush over me. It was fruitless to keep trying to fight against the waves. I let them crash all around & over me. It felt like it would drown me but the gentle pure spirit inside me told me I will be ok, it won't consume me. I looked in the mirror once again and what I saw now was a little girl. She looked really sad & confused. She had realized what was done to her was wrong & not how adults love children. She looked very scared and confused. "I'm sorry" I told her. I tried to protect you for as long as I could. But these dark secrets are killing us. We have to face it. The only way to cross over the ocean to the land of peace is to swim through it all. Don't worry, I got you, we're going to make it across. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a long painful journey. She looked terrified upon realizing the betrayal that had been done to her, not knowing who she could now trust.. Her sweet innocence still flowed through her though, she ran into my arms & I held her as she wept & wept. I hugged her tight & cried with her. There aren't words to describe the pain we both felt. "You feel all wrong but you aren't." You're stronger than you know. You've been carrying someone else's shame for far too long. Time to unload all the junk. You're not a landfill; you are a beautiful garden. Cutting off the weeds on the ground never made them go away. We have to tend to the garden & pull out all the stuff that doesn't belong there from the roots. The little tiny soldier within me let out a long loud sigh, as if she had never exhaled before. I trembled & said "You're going to be ok, you're world isn't falling apart, it's actually falling into place. We will ride the waves together. It's time to shine light on that darkness. There's beauty & strength from this pain. We are survivors & warriors. Together with other warriors we will win this battle. We are not alone like we feel. Others have journeyed across before us and made it to shore. We will too. You're not alone.

The memories haunt me.
Those hands of confusion taunt me.
Who gave you the right to degrade me to a mere object for yourself?
You left claw marks on my heart & soul.
That little mind of mine did what it could
to protect itself from destruction.
Yet your poison ran through my veins.
I tried vomiting & starving those feelings.
Unfortunately the remedy is not that simple.
The antidote is very painful & there's no way around it.
Even though I'm barely breathing right now.
That antidote light is starting to grow & soon there will be a fierce fire within me.
I will burn the poison you placed in my soul.
I may be left with scars but I will no longer be choking on your poison of confusion.

Many males before you have taken my little hand  & walked with me. They smiled at me.
And reassured me they were good. This was ok. What choice did I have but to trust them. I was a child who was learning how the world worked. I was lost in the woods and needed someone to guide me on the right path. I innocently trusted with all my heart. I saw all the good in the world. I was yet to realize the darkness that peeked behind many corners. They made sure to build my trust first then slowly they started going off the path & taking me alone into the dark woods to do things to me that I couldn't understand. In my soul it felt wrong, something was off. But Daddy knows best. Brother knows best. Cousins know best. Neighbor knows best. Preacher knows best. Always taught to listen to my elders, it got beaten into me. Even a year older than me... they are in charge. You got that. Absolutely must respect all adults, especially males. They are the kings of the castle. You are more of a Cinderella. Know your place in the world. When I met you, the little girl in me was very guarded & cautiously watched you. She was wondering when you would also flip and use us for your liking, like a Wolf in Sheep's clothing. You gently & patiently held out your hand and said, here let me help you, nobody should be walking around alone lost in the woods. At first she said no thank you, I'll walk next to you with some distance where I'm safer. After some time she began trusting you more and more. But she promised herself, don't be stupid and naive ever again.. be careful, you've been betrayed so many times before. After tripping a few times and you helping her up and not expecting anything in return. She decided maybe just maybe you could be trusted. She couldn't seem to quench her longing for comfort & connection no matter how hard she tried to **** it. She cautiously took your hand, almost closing her eyes just in case, waiting for the worst to happen. Nothing bad happened. Actually good, kind gentle loving guidance happened. You protected me from the darkness and whatever tried to attack me. You never once took me off the path in the dark woods alone. No... you held my hand and showed me how I was suppose to be treated, how to fend for myself and walk in the light. Walking in the light has been so beautiful & peaceful. The warmth of the sun on my face, the smell of flowers & trees, wind on my face. Nobody is meant to walk in the dark woods alone. No we were created to walk in the light.