This is for the hopeless and weary
those teary eyed and
the drowning and fearing
in fury of the love disappearing
into an electric forest of flickering screens
hearing the silent screams of billions of souls
desperately crying to be free
and the agony that is their inability
to wake up from their nightmares
and into their dreams
yet still being stuck in their sleep
no matter how hard they weep
from their knees toward the sky
an intense help me plea to the divine;

'Please fill the void inside
the design of our broken hearts
and discard the part we played
in the ever repeating drama of a life
that's only hurt and betrayed.'

Freedom exists...
in forgiveness and togetherness
in acceptance and kindness
in tenderness and righteousness
in loving more
and hating less
focusing not on what divides us
but more on what is beautiful
in all of those we meet next
expecting to see the uniqueness
of each in progress canvass
that we call the human soul
while letting go of foolish pride
and holding on to joy and hope
so that the noise of the collective love
will awaken those still dead and cold

I remember
The first “hi” from a stranger.
That first approach from someone I only know by name.
The day my silent moment was interrupted by a phone ring.
You have no idea how my heart race when its your name I saw on the screen.

I remember
Those early good morning messages to late night talks.
Every deep, even stuffy conversation, sends shiver down my spine.
The burst of laughter. How you’d crack a joke to keep me entertained.
And how you’d try to annoy me to catch my attention.

I remember
The exchange of thoughts and ideas.
Giving bits of details of what’s running on our head.
The photo messages you sent me. Letting me know what’s going on with your life.
Sharing the good things you see.

I remember
How these moments turned into a memory.
As inevitable as it is, things suddenly change.

I remember
The silent goodbye.
I remember
How it all started and how it all ends.

Floating heads
Means floating thoughts
But to many floating thoughts
Are to heavy to be floating
And heavy thoughts
Means a heavy head
It hits the ground
from where
it rised so many times before
maybe it can do it
once more

and my head surrenders

take my knife
that I so willingly abandon

take my armor
that I misuse;
never for protection

attempt layered on attempts
to steal my most prized possession..

but I may be standing in a battlefield
with my hands across my chest

It's not my life that is this see saw of emotional imbalance-
it's my day, maybe even tomorrow

but not forever

It was familiar
But not the same
Nothing looked exact
Just a counterfeit
Of what I knew

I talked to your family
In my hazy dream
Mid sentence, you entered
I looked over at you
And broke down

I sobbed like I forgot I could
I just grabbed on to you and cried
For us, the mess we made
Trying to love each other
In these crazy lives we lead

You looked different, you weren't you
And I couldn't help but say
How everything looked different
In between choking on tears
That's all I could say

I clung to you because I needed to
Because I needed you
I sobbed into your chest and shook
As I did so many times before
As I'll never do again

But you were only there as a form
You looked at me with sympathy
But without the same convictions
Without the same emotions
I cried harder

I shouted out for you last night
Said your name, reached to feel you
Because as I'm trying to move on
It's hard to not extend towards you
To hold the hand I grew to know

And as I write this, fully awake
I need to walk away from it all
Because I'm afraid my roommate will see me
Crying at the kitchen table

I saw you again last night
You were in my house
In this dream, I lived on the first floor
Of some elaborate vintage hotel

The opulence that surrounded us
Juxtaposed the dissonance
Of our internal dispositions
The true feelings we never shared

You were in my room
You kissed me and I knew
Something wasn't right
Really, something wasn't right
Even in real life

So I started to project
My true and honest feelings
Like I felt I never totally could
Wanting what I wanted
Seemed to be the opposite of yours
And I never wanted to let you down

Always the opposite, never the same
Constant clashing of ideals
Never peace, torn in between
What I wanted and what you said you needed

So I finally told you, I needed to be done
If not for my own sake, then for yours
So we didn't self destruct
And completely tear each other apart

As I said those words
You said some in return
About how you thought something
Had always been wrong
That hit deep in my soul because I knew it too

I didn't want to admit that
I wasn't ready to love you
I was emotionally closed off
But thought I could squeeze you in there
Along with all the other feelings
I was too ashamed to tell you about

So I let it go
I let us build up the hope
Of something permanent
When I didn't feel ready
I felt like I was partly participating
And partly spectating
Only half committed
Because you only had half my heart
And I can't help how I felt
I just did a ****** job
Of handling it and not being honest

I couldn't tell you
That the reason I couldn't tell you
That I wanted to be with you forever
Was because I didn't see it like you did
You said I was your world
And I can't help that I didn't feel it
There was nothing you could have done
To make yourself my entire world
You knew you weren't and you tried hard
You really tried to make me love you more
I wasn't ready, I was so preoccupied
With still loving a boy that was never mine
He wasnt ready for me like I wasn't ready for you
Constantly wanting the inaccessible
It was my fault I said yes when I didn't know
I loved you yes, but I could have loved you more

So, for that, I'm sorry
I can't fix the things I did
And my heart hurts that I hurt yours
I'm sorry for not being honest
But I'm not sorry
For being myself
And for chasing my dreams
For leaving home
Even though you were left alone

I don't know what to do with my life
Besides being a lovely wife,
I want to be an indepent woman
A woman who doesn't need a man
I want a lot of riches
And a heart that does not need stitches
Riches as in love, money, values
I do not want to be a person who is shallow
I do not know what I want to study yet
And I have not met my soul mate yet
But some day my studies will flurish
And my heart will no longer perish
I sometimes live in fear of what will be
Then again, we all fear what will be
So, I know I'm not alone
When I say we have all been left alone
You might say this does not make sense
I might just all be pretence
Sir, these are the thoughts of a teen
Who does not need anyone to lean

Dear sorrow, I plead for you to go away
You keep returning and I don't like your hello's
You keep consuming my body and I am tired
In this world I want to STAY

Dear sorrow, stop taking away my pride
You make me loose each opportunity for respect
You make me have "Pity" from others commonly
And I hate for that fact, I want to hide

Dear sorrow, stop making me go seek Mary Jane
With her I no longer see you for a few hours
With her I am taken by the hand and we dance joyfully for hours
Am I still sane?

Dear sorrow, it is your fault that I do not know what is right and wrong
I have made bad choices, too many so far
I have died internally so many times
I identify myself through every sad song