Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

you left me there
between foreign moons
and unknown stars

you were my first cigarette
so fast you burned, and sweet,
and made the spinning in my head
and sped my heart's slow beat.

when the last of you i'd breathed
and you and i were done
there were burns all over me
and an aching in my lungs.

I want to write a poem
But I don't know what to write.
I'm such a broken doll
I wish I could make this rhyme
But nothing works in my mind
Well except those two lines
Well now it's three
Oops

My Brian isnt really working right now
Oops spelling error I mean brain
That probably proves just how little my brain wants to work
I think I might be in denial.
I've probably been in denial all day.
But once I finally got there
The denial went away

Now I'm crying
I was crying in the ICU
And I'm crying now.
In the waiting room.
I want to put my words down onto this page.
I want to make this page my stage
I want to pour my emotions into this piece
But I can't seem to get it right
Seeing as this poem barely rhymes
Not that a poem ever has to rhyme.

I read her one of my poems while I talked at her.
Well I should say talked to her
But she couldn't respond.
She was trying.
I know she was trying.
But it didn't really work.
She had, I think it's called a respirator, down her throat.
So she couldnt speak a single note.

I think I'm going to go back in soon.
My dad is talking to her alone.
They say there's only a 50% chance she'll make it through the night
And everyone says they're praying
But I'm not quite sure who to pray to.
So I don't pray.
I just hope
And I believe in her
I trust that if she wants to fight and make her way back that we will.
And I hope that that's what she wants.

I feel like I never really spent any time with her now.
I feel like I barely know her.
I feel like when it comes down to it.
We don't really know each other.
When I first found out she was in the hospital,
I was getting ready for school.
I had to get to band at 7
And it was already 6:40
I needed to hurry.
So when I heard them talk about it
I wasn't sure what to say

There's been some scares before but it always turned out okay.
But now they say it's worse
Now my family is coming into town.
My family doesn't talk.
We aren't close.
We only speak if necessary
We do the least, not the most.
The fact that they are coming
Leaves me in shock

Is this the last time I'll see her?
I don't know
I have hope that she'll make it.
She keeps trying to talk
I'm sure it will all be alright I guess
But I can't help but worry.

.
In..
yesteryear...
someone..  
declare...  
~
all..
is fair...
in..
love & war...
~
guess..
that...
must be..
a warrior....
~
I..
am a...
firm..
believer...
~
disposition..
of care...
courteous..
in nature...
~
traditionally giver..
ability to honour...
in true sense..
a soul partner...
~
must be..
swear...
as a..  
true lover...

x-x-x

(c) deovrat - 25.03.2018

I tried to write a poem
about how I felt
but
the paper just stayed empty because

how do you write out
the sudden realization
that because you trusted and told a secret
a friend will never look at you the same

how do you write out
your screams when
he lays his cold hands
on your body

how do you write out
the red of your skin
after trying to
scrub his touch off

how do you write out
the sound of her voice
when she laughs and
calls your name

how do you write out
the taste of your tears
when your parents say
you’ll always be a girl

how do you write out
loneliness and watching
your two friends talk and laugh
while you just sit quietly

how do you write out
jealousy and regret
when you see how little
everyone cares

I don’t know how
to write this poem
I guess I’m just not
a good poet.