Write poetry until you feel like every inch of yourself is being devoured by your thoughts. Let yourself get lost in self-loathing. Scream until your lungs give out and you cough out blood. Let emptiness swallow you whole, invite it into your bed, let it claw your eyes out, but treat it like a lover. Let it drive you mad, remember emptiness is the closest feeling to love you will get in a while and at least it will make you able to put beautiful words on paper, unlike love you which will keep you in a trance, when emptiness will keep your eyes clear and your mind awake. Remember love isn’t what you ******* want. It isn’t what you ******* need, it will take all you have, ****, it will take every single beautiful thought out of you because love doesn’t last. Love never lasts and when you’re empty, ****, you may feel like your chest is collapsing but ******* your mind is becoming s garden and you realize how your eyes hold stars and how ******* beautiful your brain is and I really don’t think anyone else can make you fully realize your self worth, ****, you are the only one who could do that. Let yourself go mad for a while. ******* do it. No pair of arms could ever produce your thoughts. No one is exactly like you. No one writes the exactly the way you do or speaks the way you do or acts the way you do and ****, APPRECIATE YOURSELF. Because when everybody’s leaves you, your brain and your body are the only things you’ll ******* hate left. Lovers are temporary for you. But self love, self love is something you need to make ******* last. Remember that the next time a person breaks you.

you ask me

“do you like making music?”

kiss me on the cheek

I look at

my hands resting on your keyboard, almost still

turn around and

reply with a big smile

“yeah, yeah I do”

I would like to say in an unimpressed tone

that I have heard this all before

that this is not new

but it is.

with you I am different,

happy.

for a little while,

I forget what I am

what i feel

forget about flinging my body down the stairwell

forget about the feeling of my fingertips pulling at my skin

hoping I can tear it apart

I forget for a little while

just long enough to make me believe the world is fine

that everything will be okay

that I am okay

that I am not just a celexa girl

who writes sad poetry

that death would not be blissful to me

because I have you

and only you

sometimes it feels like you are the only one who cares when everything is closing in

you tell me I am always nice and soft

when I have felt like I was the opposite of that

for so so long

being with you is almost unbelievable

like you know all the right things to say to make my heart feel as if it has made the right decision by still continuing to beat

and I know that all of this cliché.

everything I write about you is a cliché mess

a mix of happiness and beautiful things I am too afraid to say to your face

the things I only write in poems

tell you when I think you are asleep

while I lay down

almost still

calm,

breathe softly

read you this poem

and then

say goodnight and goodbye.

thank you,

for letting me

let you in.

even if you

were not awake

to know

i’m learning how to be happy again,
i appreciate the concern,
i swear i’m okay.
really.
my friends ask me for advice on their relationships,
it’s senior year.
everyone is drifting away from each other.
it hasn’t even been a month.
we start filling out our college apps
and the stress crashes into our bodies
like a tidal wave
you're just as ****** up
As the rest of us,
And strangers tell me to stay far away from you
"Stay safe" written on my Facebook messages
and the makeup stings my eyes
it's 12:00 a.m.
we're playing brand new
As the noblesville air hits our skin
while people shout inaudible words out of their cars
in my dreams we're still together.
we don't hate eachother.
or talk about the past,
we're best friends
and we're walking on the beach
next to this old antique shop.
In my dreams the past doesn't exist,
and you're the person I thought you were.
i start to miss you.
But I know my dreams are filthy liars.
you're not the angel I thought you were.
you are the complete opposite.
I could never love you again.
I could never be your best friend.
my dreams are filthy liars.
I lay in my bed hoping to fade into it.
I don't want to see you ever again.
keep my name out of your mouth.
Stop shaming me for ***
When that's all you wanted
even when I told you
No.
My sister warned me of girls that would use me,
but oh god,
I never knew
that it would be the poet
with the pale boney skin
and beautiful green eyes I swore I got lost in every second I looked at them.
You were supposed to be one of the good ones
But your pretty face will never make up for you deceitfulness.
you can write as many poems about me being toxic as you want
but it won't make you a better person.
telling people no one will love them,
*** shaming your exes
and using the things they fear most,
will never make you the person you want to be.
I told you about my father.
How he almost overdosed.
How he needs a breathing machine
How he tried to **** himself,
How I would never ever
do the things he did,
but my feelings weren't as important
As a ****** one minute poem.
I trusted you,
But the minute I told you the truth about
how you had been toxic to me,
all of that suddenly didn't matter to you.
Even though you swore you only wanted the truth.
But when you said my feelings were valid
And it was okay if we didn't speak anymore,
You lied.
But what's new?
Self help books and Internet searches will never fix it.
and if I have a child,
I will warn them so many times.
But I'm still the crazy one.
Who could never be loved.
You told me you had a dream I jumped into an ocean.
I'm sure it doesn't scare you anymore.

roses are red
romance is dead
i wish that my boyfriend
would give me head

born into this:
not into the lights.
not into the fame.
not into the hopefulness.
born into this:
the sewers.
the dark.
the hopelessness.
you found us there one night.
you:
calm and still,
almost understanding,
carrying purity
in your bones.
you weren't just sprinkled with it,
you were drenched with it.
you could tell by the ever changing color of your cheeks
that you:
the purest of them all,
made the water clear
just by your very presence.
were you born into this?
your voice like a hymn,
eyes like the sky
heart like the sea.
born into the sewers?
the dark?
the hopelessness?
you taught us
there was light in the dark
with your gentle hands,
kind mouth,
open heart.
But your purity made us feel
like ****** up
***** angels.
if you
also born into this
could be so so pure
why couldn't we be?
you pulled yourself out of the sewer
and into the lights
the fame
the hopefulness
while we just sat here to rot.
Thinking
We had to be as pure as you
to ever succeed
but
My voice is not a hymn
Eyes not the sky
Heart not the sea
But
My voice is a thunderstorm
my eyes a hurricane
my heart a tornado
i do not carry purity in my bones
not sprinkled with it.
not drenched in it.
i carry a fire.
my hands could ignite the sky
could light all the darkness
Still
when you offered to help
i agreed
although
next to you
I remained looking like
a ****** up ***** angel
it didn't matter
getting out of what i was born into
was not easy
i scraped my knees
got lost
hurt
but you:
pure as ever
kept holding my hand
even when I slipped down onto the pavement
and had to start over
even when I got into the fame
The lights
the hopefulness
i still wasn't pure.
wasnt soft
not always kind
but I used the fire in my bones
things sparked
My voice thundered
and people finally heard
People could tell
I had a fire in my bones
by the way I spoke
the way I looked
the way I felt
they looked at me
the way we used to look at you
never had they seen someone with such spitfire
born into this:
the dark
the sewers
the hopelessness
but
i didn't stay
didnt rot.
pushed myself out of it.
sometimes you guide me past the sewer
where we all lied before
and I remember all of my friends
who are still there
still rotting
still sad
because they did not want
to appear ugly
next to you

I watch the fields in Ohio turn from a soft brown to a decadent grey
as the ashes fall to the ground and consume you
waiting as the brown pools in the bottom of your mouth
As the soil pushes through-
stiff at the shoulders
soft in the stomach
I felt us become attached at the hip
as I asked you to pull the car over
So I can smoke a cigarette and stare at the moon.
how are you so bright and full?
like a streetlight hitting hard cold concrete
how could you make the stiffness so soft?
as the glow expands over the fields
I look at you, and the shadows of the dead trees
how wonderful they will come back to life in the summer
and so will we-
with our sunkissed knees
and the peeling of the skin
Softness smoothness
the most Vulnerable we will be near each other this year
stiff at the shoulders
Soft at the stomach
the fields stretch from Ohio to Virginia.
I wonder how I could apologize to you without saying any words.
without ******* myself
so I just point to the moon and hope it will be summer soon.
Hope that our skin will peel till it’s raw and fleshy,
And the soil will fall at our feet
as apologies.
the lighting bugs dancing around us.
I wonder if it will happen as I had once hoped.

my love was born in the winter time. the crunch of frosted grass, the morning's dark and quiet- an endless sleep, but i am always awake. i love this life in the winter time. my lover was born in the winter time.

"Whatever"
I am the fourth call that never happens
Whatever.
I am a mental illness to you
Whatever.
take pills after pills
To extinguish  me
Whatever.
it's for your own good
Whatever.
shoulders breaking
As is my mind
whatever
I had the worst day ever
Whatever.
I feel like I'll never get better
Whatever
Forget it
if I'm upset
Whatever
angry
whatever
Sad
Whatever
Whatever
Whatever
same day appointments
i won't get better
whatever
no one cares
whatever
I feel like dying
whatever
all you can say is
Whatever
you'll never get better
whatever
I'll still want to *******
whatever
**** forever
Whatever
I'll swallow a bottle of pills
whatever
so there won't be a forever
whatever
BABY IM GOING TO **** MYSELF
whatever
PLEASE HELP ME ITS NOT GETTING BETTER
whatever
IM GOING TO DO IT IM GOING TO DO IT
whatev-

theres loneliness inside me.
very very deep down.
i can hear static when i look down at the ground.
the ice and snow mixing together
i can feel myself falling
its the most I’ve felt in a while.
i can see you from the ground here
you were drunk when you said it.
the whole thing about never leaving-
as you held my hand in the cold as the leaves were under our feet.
i am so used to watching you walk away.
counting the number of steps
until you are just a blurred figure.
i wonder what my mom would think
theres so much blood on my knees
as i shake,
and count
the number of steps
it takes me
to get
home.

i often dream of never waking up
my toes are sinking into the snow
watching the imperfect explosions in the sky.
there is no way to reach you from here.
you try to speak to me through the infinite spaces you found in the void
of internet forums we are both apart of.
i am trying to reach you from here.
as i try to figure out the exact pantone color of your eyes
so i can paint my apartment walls the shade of you i still remember.
i am shifting through the boxes,
drowning into the unfamiliar space i still cannot manage to call
home.
i am a shape shifter.
trying to mold into that one perfect sad song.
i am desperately trying to reach you from here.
really.
i am dead compared to you.
you’re so alive.
i am calling from the grave,
in the poems and the songs i write.
you are the sunrise i wake up to in the morning,
you are the color draining away from my skin
as i pour my black coffee and watch the birds go far away.
your eyes are PANTONE 19-0117 TPX-
vineyard green.
i don’t know if i’ll be here tomorrow
i don’t know if this place will ever feel like home.
and i don’t know if you can hear me.

I traced hearts on your back with my fingertips
i want to kiss you until my lips bleed.
please
write poetry about me with your tongue
and leave the words on my body.
i want this to last.
i do not care if it hurts
let it hurt.
i will swallow my pride whole
until i I throw my insides up
and i am left in tiny pieces
just let it last
You say that you are mine.
Always.
Your basement has become a burial ground for my innocence
that i tried so hard to keep alive
but
I am not ashamed.
that scares me.
You say you'll do whatever I want
you like a girl that begs.
you like a girl that moans.
you like a girl that takes control.
how am i supposed to do any of that
if i cant even tell you what i want for dinner or touch you without my limbs shaking?
i want to be that girl
for you
i'll do whatever you want.
always.
because i am yours
even if you decide you don't want me
anymore.

there is no humane way to harm an animal
i say as you smoothly run the knife over my stomach
i am spilling out all over you
as you roll your cigarettes and touch my *******-
you do not look at the photographs i take
you do not read my poems
i am only a skeleton to you.
mount me on your wall
there is no humane way to ****** an animal
Tear into my flesh
Watch my body rot.
As it stretches and rolls and turns a pale green-
You know there is no humane way to ****** an animal-
But you like the taste.
I can smell it
The death dripping from yr mouth
deep crimson making a home for itself on your t-shirt
now,
It is 2:39 a.m. in west virginia,
You’ve been sitting in yr car for 2 hours.
On your phone searching for the perfect flowers
And how to repent for your sins
Jesus sits on the cross-
The cemetery is an hour away.
Smoke another cigarette-
You’ve got time.

i think we’re both ****** in the head
i just want to sleep in your bed
sometimes i see you at school
it makes it harder to picture myself dead
but i just hurt everyone i touch
so i’ll go to sleep instead
we all have to be alone sometimes
when you see me
do you picture yourself alive or dead?
does the empty space in your bed remind you of anybody?
you read books about romantic love being a delusion
and i write romantic poetry
the person you really love is dead i guess
so i’m you’re best bet.

i think we’re both ****** in the head
we’re both laying in my bed
the only empty space is in my mind
call me when you feel like swallowing glass
gave yrself hell
so loving me would hurt less
i’ll tell u the dark truth about love
i will never be the right person
you are alone.
these moments do not exist
i love you
but
i can’t make loving yourself hurt less.

i want to bury my body
under my bed
i sway my body to teen suicide
while you watch me laying on your couch
yr going to be late to work but
in this moment you love me
i’m yr manic pixie dream *****, baby
i let my crazy out with you.
but I’m not crazy to you.
it’s just love,
but that’s the same thing,
isn’t it?

I wonder how we both let it get this way. I look at you and a million feelings come back all at once. I am too scared to tell you how I feel. I still love you- at least I think I do.  I look at the sky and there is something familiar in it. The colors mixing in to create a beautiful mixture of red and blue. You body is a canvas, and I want to paint you with the sky. At this moment everything I have pushed in the back of my brain came flooding back. I remember how it was like before I loved you, the sky looks like it did when we first met. I close my eyes, and it begins to play in my head like some bad kind of love movie.
              When we first met, I was at a show for this band my friend liked. I didn’t want to be there. I was stuck with some people who I had little to no interest in getting to know. As horrible as it sounds, most of them had known each other for years. I couldn’t just force the connection they had all had. Almost all of me did not want to have any emotional attachments. High school is almost over and I don’t want to meet anybody I’m going to miss. That’s when I met you.  Your friend had dragged you along as well, and you looked exhausted just being there. You would lay your head on the car window and get lost in the passing by cars. You seemed to be able to drown everything out. Even with the Blink-182 blasting through the speakers in Emily’s old green VW. A lot of people may have thought you came off rude, but I think I understood. Not everybody has an ability to get lost so easily, I find it almost very profound in a way. You were in a world outside of mine. I was in a world outside of theirs. Simple and as complicated as that.
              When we were at the venue for the show, we all sat on the ground in a circle. I love circles, because you can see everyone’s faces, and their expressions when you talk to them. I sat across from you on purpose. I’m an observer. As cliché as it sounds, I think people are the far most beautiful things. Our friends were talking about the band, and we didn’t really say anything. I would say something occasionally to seem like I wasn’t completely out of touch, and I swear you’d look at me and smile. I would smile back letting all the sweetness around me flow towards you with just an expression as your tired eyes seemed to silently say “thank you”. As time went by the more I actually wanted to speak to you, and that killed me. Meeting new people terrified me, I was tired of hurting and I’m sure you were, too.
Time passed, we were supposed to go in the venue. We followed everyone, it was general admission so everyone was standing. Blue lights hit everyone’s faces making it look like we were in another universe. Our friends rushed to the front but we stayed behind.
              “You guys aren’t coming?” one of them yelled out.
              “I’ll meet you guys up there soon, I think I’m going to just look around for a bit. Just have fun!” I said forcing a smile.
              She gave me a wide smile, she looked so happy to be there. She ran off into the crowd, getting lost with them all.
“I want to get to know you.” the words stumbled out your mouth, and fell at my feet. I picked up the pieces gently and looked at your eyes,
“That sounds nice.” I breathed out, looking at the blue light hit your eyelids. There was so much to say. So much to do, and it was all beginning here, in our own little blue world. The space between us in a universe that I haven’t ventured into yet. I want to know all the small details about you. There is no music playing and there’s a million questions I want to ask you, but I knew a good start
“Nice to meet you, my name is Reily, what’s yours?” …
Suddenly everything is stopped. I am back to reality, where the blue world is dead. A universe I have already ventured into, that is now my own. I know the smallest of details about you, I know you more than I know anybody. The yellow light illuminates our pale faces, it’s cold but not too cold, and we’re on the roof of a parking garage and everything feels like a movie. We still don’t look at each other. We’re too busy staring into the empty space that occupies the air around us. I want to go up to you and hold your hand. I want to make the space feel less empty. You are shivering, as your black hair blends into the sky. The drugs made your face look really different. It's not how I remembered it. It is silent to both of us. We are too lost in the beauty of it all. The sounds of the cars, the people, everything is drowned out when we are with each other. We don’t think about the college rejection letters, the job applications, the things that make our lives real. I hope you forget about her like you forgot about yourself. I hope it brings you the peace you need. I want it to be like this forever. I walk over to you and lay my head on your shoulder, as we watch the cars drive off into the Fishers sky.  Everything seems to be drifting farther and farther away from us. I am scared. I want to ask you if the sky reminds you of us, too. I want to know if you remembered it all. I miss us so much. I hope you do, too.
We love each other but we don’t.
It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
And I think that scares me the most

The feeling of emptiness in a neighborhood I used to visit, and seeing your house, where we used to lay, and an empty backyard.
I felt myself fall in and out of love all overagain.
I still feel very small and I meant it when i said the memories meant everything to me.
And I go into the woods and the silence drowns out everything
the tree branches take over the skies creating the negative spaces I wish I could fit into.
the world sits still. But my heart is racing.
everything is dark and the little lights flicker
images projected on the sides of houses
and the memories blend together.
apologizes written on sidewalks and short films on a camcorder.
I want this feeling to be transformed into something
It is a feeling I can't explain
a feeling i almost can't feel
hands tighten on the steering wheel
and I'm suddenly in the city
where everything is fast and I am still.
nothing here belongs to you.
and I don't remember anything
the noise engulfs everything.
shadows of the people, and the streetlights
and their bodies close together.
I feel far from everything,
And I wonder if you meant it when you said
nobody would ever love me.
I wrote our names in a bathroom stall in Portland
so somewhere we could seem permanent
and I tell myself you're just a girl I used to know-
but I don't know if I ever knew you at all.
I look for you in everyone.
I can't find you.
I still feel very small.

I am a broken down street light
trying to find places where your name fills in the sidewalk cracks.
as the car's headlights beat down on my face.
Everything is quiet but loud all at once.
I try to forget everything
but it's one a.m.
almost a year later
and i'm still thinking about it.
I hope you feel my name in the cold air.
I hope you see my love for you in her.
I hope you see my face in the passing by strangers.
and maybe that you feel the same.
i wait for a phone call, or maybe even a text message.
something to fill the cracks.
i know i shouldn't love you.
but my stomach is aching
and my arms long for yours.
it's okay.
I will reach for the autumn air
it will feel the same as you.
text me.
tell me you never want to see me again
Tell me you don't love me.
fill the cracks.
text me.
tell me you're sorry
forgive me.
say you love me.
fill the cracks
i am constantly changing
but my feelings still haven't changed for you.
put me into a glass box
with butterflies and stardust
until I am not real anymore.
i don't know anything about reality
and please
kiss the pain away.
the phrase
"Get over it" will be flung at me a million times
and I was being honest when I said I don't think I ever will
text me
until I can no longer feel again.

Please text me.

take me to Bukowski's grave,
we can drink,
and talk about our past lovers
who left bad tastes in our mouths.
The ones who's clumsy hands,
left bruises on our,
fragile bodies,
we were treated so badly,
we did not deserve
any of the sadness
we did not deserve,
what we felt.
we poked needles
into our skin,
and injected unworthy people,
into our veins.
we were not whole.
we gave lovers parts of us,
we needed to keep.
parts of ourselves,
we thought we could never
get back
and then,
we
met
each
other.
and with you,
i am whole.

i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say. i talk to my cat because it’s the only thing that listens. the blank walls do not seem to cut it anymore. like people, they just sit and stare for all they care i could just die. my cat loves me, he scratches my wrists and brings me bliss, i don’t know how to kiss. my dreams make no sense, so i cling like them, like the sky to the sea,
hoping things will finally make sense to me
i want to understand my  cat
i want it to understand me.
but it like everything walks away.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
no boys ever want to touch me.
girls won't even look at me the same
if I want your attention
I have to kiss your neck and grab your hips
all my lovers want the same old thing.
I'd rather just meow at my cat.
at least he'll listen to me when i talk.
I shut my eyes and everything makes sense all at once
I think I made you up inside my head
I just wanted something tangible in my hands
and you felt smooth enough to hold.
but my cat scratches on my wrists felt softer than your hand.
I'm starting to feel worse and worse thanks to you
Make me feel like a good person again
make me feel right.
I'm sorry I look at your veins, more than your eyes.
and I'm sorry you never noticed the scratches on mine.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
I feel like my cat
because you no longer understand.
so I'll just walk away,
I know you don't care what I have to say.

I came home for the weekend and realized i am still in love with you.
i don’t know why this came as a shock,
because this  happens every time i come home.
especially in the autumn.
nostalgia really hits,
and i find myself walking in the neighborhood you held my hand in,
going to the cemetery you kissed me in
and driving by your neighborhood on the way to get coffee.
i guess i feel pathetic more than anything-
repeating to myself
“it doesn’t feel like two years ago. i can still feel your breath on my neck.”
i don’t tell my mother-
but that doesn’t hide the fact i was crying in my bedroom.
when the weekend is over, i find myself slugging to my dorm room, without a thought of you in my mind.
autumn is almost over.
i wont be home for another three weeks.
i repeat this to myself as i walk to get a cup of coffee.
pour over.
dark roast.
anything to make me feel warm and fuzzy.
something bitter.
my soul was pastel purple when i met you,
the perfect combination of blues and reds.
now it is a dark navy blue,
i smoke a cigarette on the way back,
i wonder which one would be easier to give up.
as i open the door to my room nothing feels familiar,
my bed has held people who are not you-
they were supposed to make forgetting easier.
they didn’t.
i turn on my bathtub
and stick my feet in long enough to burn my skin
your favorite song plays on repeat inside of my head,
i look at the coffee sitting next to me-
and wonder-
i take off the lid and pour it onto my head,
it slowly flowing off the edges of my face,
filling my nostrils until it’s all the room smells like-
i don’t feel anything,
no warmth-
no fuzziness-
you were all those things-
you - burned my skin when you touched me.
i remember all the times i said no,
but the coffee surged onto my scalp anyway.
you fill the room,
this is how i remember not to miss you.

I tried to hate you
but then I remembered
Wes Anderson
and first kisses
the sort of things that cover
bad songs and poorly worded excuses
and the secret site
I poured my thoughts to
the times it was worse than just "things are bad right now"
and pills
Celexa didn't do anything.
Zoloft made me suicidal.
Effexor was just right but needed to be upped after a while.
seems like nothing ever works right
or is it just me?
soon i can to realize
it’s not
i’m not the only one you did this to
i wanted to believe
it was just towards me
because i was me
no
i hope you and your girlfriend get high enough
to leave the planet
your first name starts with h
and ends with e - l - l
Perfume makes my head ache
the makeup caked on my eyes
cause them to itch.
your girlfriend is using dope and
you're with her
you both act like you're Conor O.
Using your friends
for the drugs
ratting them out
she looks at me
but can’t hold a stare
funny isn’t it
maybe she knows what you’re doing is wrong.
Ironically we are all supposed to help people grow
but you pull the roots from the ground
And empty the water into your eyes
So you can cry
It's not a beautiful thing to do
we're stuck with you
not growing
the sky is still out of reach
All my friends are in love
With their abusive ex girlfriend
I should just add myself to the list
my stepfather says that I'm falling apart
As an insult
as others say
Stop that attitude
Stop being so negative
*****.
i hope my anger towards the world will maybe make sense
but next time you see me
don’t look at me
i hear a girl screaming outside my window
but i don’t shut it
i head outside to see if she’s okay,
she’s on the ground crying
asking
“wasn’t love supposed to be enough?”
she reminds me of the past
and i shake
I’m crying on the phone in the library and a girl
sits by me and asks
“are you okay?”
i don’t know if i should be honest
so i just say
“no, but i’m better than i was a few months ago”
losing you wasn’t a loss
and i try to hate you
and i might
but the secret site is closed down
and i don’t go to it anymore anyways
i kiss others to get the taste of you out
wes anderson is great but we only watched one movie of his together anyways and
i was too busy looking at you to even appreciate it

Cigarette ash on your bedsheets
awake on coffee and tea.
I do not want to be the person
you know like the back of your hand
or for you to know the titles of every poem I have written
I want you to touch me distractedly.
I want a boy with a car and a mindset like yours.
we do not need to make ourselves into anything beautiful with each other.
we are ugly, empty poets.
therefore,
you love me for what i am.
but if you don't love me,
go ahead and tell me.
your tongue stained with coffee
you're not just some ******* artist
who is going to fill my heart with lilies
and paint.
and I want you to make it hurt as much as you ******* can.
teach me the world is cruel.
because if you can teach me how to write
love poems,
you sure as hell
can show me how to be dark
all over again.
this isn't about creativity
and this isn't art
this is existing.

snorting coke makes me feel closer to god
she sung to me as i turned the lights off
and walked out of the room,
an aching in my back.
the only year i can remember is 2014,
before you grew your hair out,
and i didnt know your real name.
my sister is in her bedroom asleep.
having ******* dreams mixed with codeine.
i want to die in your basement.
as the footsteps are over my head,
we wont be sleeping tonight,
i’ve stopped getting high.
the only year i can remember is 2014,
and how your lips were cold.
and the times i lied and told my mother i was sick,
so i could lay in bed
and pretend the sheets were your arms.
but since then-
i have learned my bedsheets cannot touch my face and kiss my cheeks.
i am not in love with you anymore.
as flowers rot in-between my toes
and i watch explosions on tv screens.
nothing is real.
the only year i can remember is 2014.
i am not alone.
you are making me hot chocolate
and looking at the snow through your window
as the granite countertops reflect your figure,
i am holding onto to nothing-
and there is nothing all that important in my life I’m afraid of letting go of.
i let our knees touch in your basement.
i am completely vulnerable,
you are close to me.
but now you feel so far away, as i see you there by the pine trees.
i want to tell you how there is so much i remember about you that has been
sitting dormant in my head,
and how every moment with you seemed so beautiful, and how you will always mean so much to me.
the only year i remember is 2014.
we are meeting for the first time,
and i barely know anything about you,
not even your real name.
not even what your voice sounds like.
i sit next to you as you show me your favorite songs.
and i tell you about my favorite things,
as the autumn leaves fall on concrete,
the suburbs feel endless.
my voice doesn’t shake around you.
i don’t think much of it,
maybe you just make me feel different.
maybe i knew i’d have a tough time letting you go,
maybe i still am.
for many years,
i told myself we met at the wrong time,
now i am not so sure of that.
it is November 2014
and i am crying in your parents basement
i cant remember anything that had happened that year,
i was so alone,
but i feel you put your head next to mine.
i have something important in my life i am holding onto,
and do not want to let go of.
i should’ve held on tighter.
its December 8th 2017,
and I’m sitting in my dorm room,
throwing cigarettes into my trash can,
they have been making me feel sick.
all i can remember is 2014,
and how much every moment meant to me.
the girl i loved back then isn’t real anymore.
i see her sometimes, but she is different.
i am glad.
i pull my covers over my head,
knowing i am missing someone who was never really mine in the first place,
and doesn’t exist now and maybe never did.
i have nothing left to hold onto,
and nothing I’m afraid of letting go of.
i am alone.

somebody asked, how i felt about you when we were together,
somebody asked how much i cared
the way i looked at you could explain it all.
how i felt for you does not need words.
i just know i felt it.
i felt it so strongly with you.
that’s why i stopped writing about you,
not just because you did not like it,
but because it wasn’t fair to you or i.
it would not give both of us enough credit for our beauty.
or care.
all i am sure of right now is that i still think of your voice,
every time somebody asks me what my favorite sound is.
and the only reason i am writing this
is because "emissary" is playing
i’m feeling everything again,
but i am not sure
if these feelings are going to last
much longer

i want you to know I will always be there for you. even if you’re very far away. physically or mentally. i am always here.

She doesn't mind the cuts on my legs
she still eats me out on her basement floor
she doesn't care about anybody but herself
I won't let her eat me alive
I wear a sticker for my silence
on my chest
people ask why I'm like this
I won't talk to anyone about anything at all
Get me out of your head
Get your toxic tongue away from my legs
I want to wear a crown of thorns on my head
I wanna go away
I want to say goodbye
I want every feeling inside me to die
I want to crawl in a hole
I want to wear yr skin
I won't talk to anybody
about anything at all

You have a toxic tongue
Always making me feel sick
I don't want to talk about it
there's nothing more for me to say
but I keep writing about it anyway

you want to eat my corpse
you want me to die
you wanna see my sweat
You've already seen me cry
you sure like seeing all your lovers cry
you don't feel anything at all
But you feel me
But I don't want to talk about anything to anyone at all

the queen is dead and so am i
slam my against my apartment door
you kiss my neck
you wanna take a break
you don’t care about anyone or anything at all

meet me in the alley and kiss me. remind me how useless i am
i don't exist to please you anyway
its okay,
i know it anyway
we can never speak again after this,
it's
oh well,
whatever
nevermind.
the air here always smells like
cigarettes and ****.
I prefer portland, anyways.
i forgot to take my pills again
i'm not always like this
i'm sorry i'm like this
I still have so much to say,
you won't call back,
it's okay,
you'd just make me feel guilty about it, anyway

Write poetry until you feel like every inch of yourself is being devoured by your thoughts.
Let yourself get lost in self-loathing.
Scream until your lungs give out and you cough out blood. Let emptiness swallow you whole, invite it into your bed, let it claw your eyes out,
but
treat it like a lover.
Let it drive you mad,
remember emptiness is the closest feeling to love you will get in a while and at least it will make you able to put beautiful words on paper
, unlike love you which will keep you in a trance,

when emptiness will keep your eyes clear and your mind awake. Remember love isn’t what you ******* want.
It isn’t what you ******* need,
it will take all you have, ****,
it will take every single beautiful thought out of you because love doesn’t last. Love never lasts and when you’re empty, ****, you may feel like your chest is collapsing but ******* your mind is becoming a garden and you realize how your eyes hold stars and how ******* beautiful your brain is and I really don’t think anyone else can make you fully realize your self worth, ****, you are the only one who could do that.
Let yourself go mad for a while.
******* do it. No pair of arms could ever produce your thoughts. No one is exactly like you. No one writes the exactly the way you do or speaks the way you do or acts the way you do and ****, APPRECIATE YOURSELF. Because when everybody’s leaves you, your brain and your body are the only things you’ll ******* hate left. Lovers are temporary for you. But self love, self love is something you need to make ******* last. Remember that the next time a person breaks you.

Write poetry until you feel like every inch of yourself is being devoured by your thoughts. Let yourself get lost in self-loathing. Scream until your lungs give out and you cough out blood. Let emptiness swallow you whole, invite it into your bed, let it claw your eyes out, but treat it like a lover. Let it drive you mad, remember emptiness is the closest feeling to love you will get in a while and at least it will make you able to put beautiful words on paper, unlike love you which will keep you in a trance, when emptiness will keep your eyes clear and your mind awake. Remember love isn’t what you ******* want. It isn’t what you ******* need, it will take all you have, ****, it will take every single beautiful thought out of you because love doesn’t last. Love never lasts and when you’re empty, ****, you may feel like your chest is collapsing but ******* your mind is becoming s garden and you realize how your eyes hold stars and how ******* beautiful your brain is and I really don’t think anyone else can make you fully realize your self worth, ****, you are the only one who could do that. Let yourself go mad for a while. ******* do it. No pair of arms could ever produce your thoughts. No one is exactly like you. No one writes the exactly the way you do or speaks the way you do or acts the way you do and ****, APPRECIATE YOURSELF. Because when everybody’s leaves you, your brain and your body are the only things you’ll ******* hate left. Lovers are temporary for you. But self love, self love is something you need to make ******* last. Remember that the next time a person breaks you.

seeing places you’ve been on t.v.
do not hold the same memories
ringing doorbells for people who are not there,
the ones with spiders in their hair.
the strange man’s lips are coming too close
you should have just stayed home.
your lips dissolve into foam
quietly disappearing
until theres nothing left to touch
quiet stillness, darkness not much
left of you or left of me.
your hands are reaching out
but you can’t see
what’s in front of you-
it is not me.
quiet stillness darkness you are not free
he is pushing you against the wall
eyes wide open
dare not to close them at all
baby, that is not how we do it here.
that is not how we do it here.
keep your eyes on me
and you won’t disappear
face lit by a dim light
writing poems to stay alive
or maybe to know a piece of you will stay.
even the nights the demons are away
and you are lying softly
alone
even the universe is still
and absent
rising and falling.
like the heart in your chest,
Do not let the parasites crawl into it
to shrink your heart until it is nothing
but flesh-
Better to keep quiet alone, in stillness and darkness-
it was easier to not move
when his hand rested on your head.
easier to be alone when you imagine yourself dead
there’s voices inside the walls
you’ve heard them all
before smooth and calming
but now they sound
violent and angry
you have had your passions written down and thrown away
thats why now you have no idea what to say
quiet stillness darkness
tranquil serene silence
dead flowers on the side of the road
blood coming out of your nose
death waits for you
like a hand on a clock
the voices are getting louder
can’t you see?
it’s time to cut yourself loose,
after all,
you said you wanted to be
free.

.

you stole my art and turned it into trash
*******.
i have oceans inside of me -
which you are turning into a puddle.
a
*****
*****
*****
puddle.
yet- still i am stronger
more full.
it feels like a cheap imitation
like when i read the words
they are familiar
and it seems like i’ve been robbed of my feelings
i tried so desperately to word correctly with my shakey hands.
did yours shake?
when you stole the words right off paper
did you feel it?
or did you want to seem like you felt it?
so you can seem sad poetic deep beautiful
how badly do you want to be ****** up?
is it so badly that you can dumb everything down
so that it barely even matters?
these words came from deep inside my bones
the ones that felt like breaking
when i wrote them
and the feeling will come over and over again
it will not always be poetic or pretty
learn that.
learn how to write and accept YOUR OWN FEELINGS
WHAT YOU FEEL.
not what somebody else feels
not what somebody wants you to feel.
this poem is not pretty
or poetic
it can barely even pass for a poem
but it was all me.

Welcome to the end of the world
May I never die,
Made you hate me all over again
On purpose
And the rain soaks all over my umbrella
Near the old church and graveyard
May you never die x2
Bound together by marijuana and Christ
And bruised collarbones
May we never die
forgot to tell you I never really liked ***, anyway
Walking in a neighborhood you told me you liked.
While the leaves changed
like you and I
I was never a permanent part of you.
Maybe we have died.
Never understood the silence
The poems written in the rain or the edge of the bathtub
Never really understood anything.
Now put me to rest
Run away and burn the letters I wrote to you
Smoke a million cigarettes till my taste is washed out of your lips.
I whisper
"May we never die"
but
We are dead.
don't know what killed us.
Never will.
We are dead.
Amen.

I dream about them all the time
Constantly
Every night
I am in their arms
Like old times
Under blankets
They pull me in closer
And
I feel their warmth against me
They feel so nice
And I want to stay there forever
I want to stay asleep forever
I don’t want them to leave me again
Then
I wake up
And they are gone
Just like that
I am pushed back into reality
Where they are in love with somebody else.
I wonder if I could just
sleep forever
I am torn between
Staying alive
Just so I can see them loving someone else
every
*******
day
Or
dying.
So I could sleep forever
And stay content
Because in my dreams they’re with me
And that’s all I want
and the nights I can’t sleep
Are the worst
Because I don’t want to wait
Any longer to see them again
And I never want to leave my bed
In my dreams
They still love me
And oh god
how their tongue dances
Near my mouth
And now their hands
Fit perfectly with mine

The world is too much for us.
There is so much beauty
Around us
And those who notice it all
Do not know what to do with it.
And those people
End up the most miserable,
The kindness in their hearts
Swallow them whole,
and they can not handle
All of the wonderful things
They think that they
Do not compare to
But
These people
Are just as beautiful as
The morning sunlight
And the stars that shine
So brightly.
The stars shine for you.
There are stars Inside your mind
do not let
cruel people with unkind
hearts **** your stars
let yourself get lost
in the world
do not feel guilty that
there is gentleness in your soul
because a kind heart
Is just as wonderful as
The universe's endless beauty.

ou wear three layers of clothing because you say that you’re always cold, yet you are the warmest person that I have ever known. I could make a home in your arms, wow, you are like the morning sky. Your mind is so colorful and vibrant. Not one part of you is dull. I took about one hundred pictures of the sun this morning, and I tried to compare it to your eyes, but , your eyes are more beautiful than the sun could ever be. And I am still trying to figure out how one person could ever be more beautiful than the sunset. You could do anything and still be beautiful, you could make me bleed, and I still would adore you. But you haven’t yet. I am waiting for you to kick my teeth in because I have made a shelter in your arms and I am waiting for it to burn down because everything that keeps me safe, eventually disappears. But, you are still smiling at me and I haven’t seen heaven yet, and I don’t believe in God, but, I think if heaven was real, it would look exactly like your smile and it would sound exactly like your voice.

. deleted.

feel the presence of yr death,

taste yr ashes on the tongue.

early you went.

to join the mad,

the young,

the genius.

early you went.

that’s how the beautiful go,

blessed with yr holy madness and rage.

you

held hell hell hell.

but they saw

heaven heaven heaven.

your eyes swallowed with desire.

romanticized with pain

god, you had so much love

so much love.

los angeles would have killed you anyway,

I can still hear yr dog whistle from my bedroom, baby.

IT’S GETTING LOUDER.

IT’S GETTING LOUDER.

I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.

I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.

YOU’RE GONE AND I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.

every word you chose not to speak,

every word you held on yr ***** tongue.

everything.

the words that meant something you never spoke,

that were not empty like yr veins.

like your promises.

like your heart.

killed yourself to make things fair

I definitely am not Kurt Vonnegut
but
After I kissed you
I whispered
“So it goes.”
Because after the first time our lips touched
I knew
I just knew
When you left it would hurt like hell
And I would probably end up dying.
But I would
Live in moments
Inside of your head
But just being a memory to you
Was not
Enough for me
It will never be enough for me
Because
When you fall in love
As quickly as I do
You get attached easily
I carved your name into my skin
But everybody asked if you were okay
I Was bleeding out
And they asked if you were okay
And then you wrote me a song
With a ******* times four
You shattered my ******* heart and acted like it was my fault
There is no poetic way I could say that
because heartbreak is not beautiful.
what you did to me is not beautiful.
here’s the funnier part
You got angry at me
Because all the poems were still about you.
You once told me my feelings were valid
And I am so sorry
That when I was with you everything was about the sun.
And that you thought I was
Perfect
And emotionless
Just like how most boys like you want people to be.
you never knew how I felt
you just knew that i was pretty
and I wrote poetry
So I had to be somewhat interesting according to your standards.
And after all of the miscommunication
you were doing just fine
But
I was stuck writing these poems
These God ****** poems
About how you made me feel
*****
And believe me
If I could write about the sun again
I would
But every time my pen touches paper
Your name spills out
And so do the memories
of your touch and your smile
And everything that made me fall in love with you
And believe me
there are so many reasons.
I remember reading this one cliche John green quote that said “I fell in love like you fall asleep slowly but all at once”
But God with you
I fell in love with you
So quickly
There was nothing slow about it
I fell in love like a person falls apart.
very quickly and unexpectedly.
I fall in love the most painful ways.
and I will not apologize for loving you
and I will not apologize for being upset
because I will never apologize for feeling
Even if sometimes I may feel too much.
So ******* x4

you will feel a rattling in your bones
and ask yourself
did you want it to hurt?
you fell in love
so you could be an artist
didn’t you?
Trust me, i did not know how to create,
But when i met you I think I learned how.
I wanted to make a home in your bones because
the first time we kissed
i felt a million tiny little butterflies
fly up my stomach and out of my mouth
while their tiny footprints stained the skin on my lips
I felt you with me.
your soul stained my lips
And no matter how hard i try to wash it off
you still linger here.
I showed you your favorite band and now you show them her
You stain her lips
I lie alone in the dirt
I told you i loved you
But now i’m not so sure
I awakened your soul,
But you’re sleeping next to her.

its four in the morning.
you pick me up in your car
and i ask you where we’re going.
you say you don’t know.
the streetlights brighten your face,
i forgot how you looked in the daylight.
yesterday i forgot how your voice sounded,
i called you, just so i could remember.
maybe i will not be here tomorrow,
or maybe i’ll just sleep
i say as the light hits your cheekbones,
you clutch on the steering wheel
and reply
the way your voice sounds when you're about to cry-
is still one of my favorite things

Halloween of 2016
5th cigarette of the night
vanilla lattes from noble tea
instant film with double exposures
fishnets and all red
I remember you still
and I wish we could be in your house with cluttered feet
Handing out candy to the children dressed up as angels and demons
giving us breaks so you could put your arms around me
and I am not shivering in a cold car without you
this is what I want
from somebody
and I go to the front porch
Cigarette number six is now hanging limp from my mouth
and I pull out a ****** dating app and swipe
my self hatred grows.
I throw my phone across the street.
somehow the screen does not shatter
i try to find something hidden
the children are dressed up as demons
and i ache for more
I see you in them.
I miss the angels