Jane Smith

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Breath condensing against glass confines,
Out of order, out of being.
Undaunted rebellion against the boundless universe,
Splayed out onto bed sheets or forest ground.
In the corners of damp alleys.
Law, worries, ribbons undone.
Hair fallen, laughably bedraggled.
Melting snow dancing on raven feathers.
Faint fingertips skimming across that brazen chest.
Oxygen crestfallen for its own demise.
And oh, how it will die.
Kin with each unmerciful covenant.
Maimed by wayward kisses and borrowed time.
This mortal revolt championed by love.
God is dead and we are still here.
The world is ending, and we are still free.

#*** #love #moment #free #life #feel #left #people #soul #inside

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Peaches and Eyedrops

Blistering honeydew pouring down
Hitting the ground like priceless china
Why do people even hold onto china
Crickets screeching and the mattress underneath me
And suddenly I am so aware of mortality
I want to bleed out the soft cushions
Let the insides rot away to the bone
All the lights and hands and people
Angels swirling around asking for directions
Even the mist is unbearable at times
O, god, I can't even hate you
I'll have to settle for abjuration
Home is where the cold hollow trees are
Home is where I wish I was

#mentalillness #sad #depression #pain #overstimulation #breakdown #feeling #anxiety #tired #sleep

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Defunct

I am dying.
As the sun above settles in,
And the warmth of what should have been,
Plagues my aching, tangled form,
Tries to drag me, lifeless, home.
I am dying.
Like how we share this thing,
A lust, a necessity, this ring,
Wedding both our divine depravity,
Interwoven with mindless insanity.
I am dying.
Born to raze countries,
Or died to watch recoveries,
Authenticity is the soul,
Of all unmistakable “evil”.
I am dying.
We only know what we feel,
Only stand where we kneel,
And on our crippled knees,
We cover graves with the breeze.
I am dying.

#death #life #depression #sad #dark #feel #pain #addiction #mentalillness #dead

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Impotent

The choir’s mewling dips low,
And is raised back up by loving hands.
Bestowed upon them his grace,
Soft nectar for their sides.

Double knots and silk collars,
Frilled white dresses on the girls,
They seem to sink in record time,
Adorned by practiced, innocent chastity.

And when they finally meet their key,
In gold or silver, sent with love,
Bowing their heads they walk back inside,
To obey the every whim of their ordinance.

Like flocks of bird they come flowing in,
To restful sheep along on the pews.
And each alone in their pleasant song,
They dip low with each passing note.

#choir #church #religion #bittersweet #soul #feeling #song #sad #god #light

Jane Smith Apr 2021

The Dirt in Eden

I love you.
Since I saw the cracks in your bookshelf,
Your graceful hair intertwined with your shoulders,
The way you throw your head back and laugh.
If you are Juliet, I am death,
And I wonder how the snake felt,
Knowing he allowed Eve the apple.
I should hold my forked tongue,
For I know you would care for no,
Walking nervous breakdown.
Who could?
But this agonized black mass,
Writhing inside me, where my heart should be,
Barely living, barely dying.
Masquerading passion, good will.
I just need you to shoot it.

#rejection #love #unrequited #unworthy #dark #feeling #sadism #mentalillness #pain #abandonment

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Unremitting

I joined a support group,
Like I told myself to.
We lurk in the shadows of the evening.
If you glance around the circle,
You can tell each person’s real age by what they say,
Like the rings in their throats.
While they uncomfortably clear their throats.
And it’s so,
Unfathomably depressing,
To sit there and think,
Is this all life is?
The hot glare of the sunlight,
Enveloping your shoulders and it’s uncomfortable.
And it's your turn,
And you do exactly what you’re trying to stop,
Run face first into the calm of the storm,
Pleading, like a lost son,
Take me.
And she takes you back, like she always does.
And you get up and leave.

#sad #feel #addiction #maladaptive #daydreaming #mentalillness #fake #reality #fantasy #recovery

Jane Smith Apr 2021

Those Sweet Flowers

We embraced each other,
Holding on as if we had survived the revelation.
Celebration and wishes,
Scattered across your dress.
Sweet alyssum flowers,
Pinned up in my hair.
And you laughed,
And I cried,
And the band played in D minor.
Faith like utter lunacy.
All this, and more,
I dreamt with dew on the window,
So tired of dreaming.
And you walked away,
As I assured you I’d be fine.
That recovery was in my grasp.
Spoiler alert.

#maladaptive #daydreaming #mentalillness #love #breakup #sick #addiction #dream #fantasy #fake