I did ask....
But there was no reply

I’ve been asking for days now....
in my head
In my heart
In my soul....
But of course
How could you know,
How could you answer?
When verbal was not I ....

I didn’t understand emotions,
I thought
They were foreign to me,
Unknown,
Unfeeling,
Unaware.

But now I realise
Inside of me,
All tumbled up in knots,
Lie
Anger,
Sadness,
Loneliness.

It’s the lighter emotions
I don’t recognise,
Joy,
Love,
Happiness.

For there’s always someone
Ready to stab you in the back,
Lie to you to get what they want,
Bring you down,
Kick you,
Till you’re broken,
And bereft.

Just because you say what that person needs to hear
In that moment
Place
And time,
Doesn’t mean it’s true.
Doesn’t mean it’s
true for you.

The unknown
Is worse
Than reality.

So embrace the fear,
Throw caution to the winds,
Have courage,
Faith and
Trust,
Then set sail in the direction of your fear,
For that...
Is where your destiny awaits!

50 years acting defensively,
A shield against the attacks and abuse,
Barbed words, scorn and contempt.
Lashing out inappropriately,
The only path known,
A form of protection
A semblance of normality,
Instead ending up
Disconnected,
Lonely,
Alone.

Now discovering another way to be,
Dragging myself from the enticing
Well-worn familiar slippery path
Of melancholy and self-flagellation,
To flower filled meadows
And babbling brook
And choosing my own way
Through the long sweet grass,
To as yet undreamt
And unimagined,
But long overdue,
Pleasures, delights, and food for the soul.

Follow your heart
Your dreams
Your gut
Trust and
Embrace the magic 💫

Forgiveness;
So much hangs on the weight of those three syllables.
Without it,
Your life can turn upside down,
Seemingly in a moment,
And be irrevocably changed forever.

Feeling betrayed,
The wound festers
And smoulders,
Without even noticing
Hurt and pain magnifies,
Lashing out,
Attacking,
Sticking the knife in,
For seemingly no reason,
Hurting the one who means most to you.
Portcullises lowered,
Drawbridges raised,
Fortresses built,
Till you’re both encamped on different continents,
Shooting arrows at each other,
And yourself,
Till the relationship is well and truly
Dead.

No. Communication,
Openness,
And most of all,
Forgiveness,
is a better route,
Prescient,
Kinder,
Ultimately more rewarding,
For both of you.
The rightful path is not smooth and easy,
Lessons painfully learned,
But a wiser soul be you.

Falling
Plummeting
Whole world’s upside down.
What is up?
What is down?
What is truth?
What is untruth?
What is real?
What is unreal?

Eyes wide open
With no time to prepare
Taken by surprise
By this expansion in consciousness,
In shock
Mind blown
Everything making sense
And no sense at all

Our reality is what we say it is,
What we choose it to be.
Our words shape our lives
And our futures

But sometimes mine get all mixed up and confused and overwhelming
In this jumbled mind of mine
Now blown wide open
With nothing I can do
Except absorb and assimilate
And be,
Get my brain and jumbled mass of thoughts out the way
Zone out
Watch movies
Don’t think
Just write words as they come
Don’t analyse
Or read back
For it does not need to make sense
It may never make sense what you wrote
But get the words out of your head
To stop them going round and round
Keeping me chained to what is, yet what is not, at the same time
No judgement
No convention and societal rules
Just go with the flow
And see what happens
Unbidden
Un baggaged
Until I am ready to go out into the world again
But this time
With awareness
Of my vulnerability
And my power
And my strength