I never said goodbye
I hope that's alright
I mean,
I know it's not,
I guess I'm asking for forgiveness
Because I never said goodbye
I was too preoccupied
To get up
For one last embrace
One last kiss
I couldn't really be bothered
Until it was too late
Until you were ten feet under
Ten years later

I never said goodbye
Only to the grass
And the metal plate on top of you
In the Garden of Serenity
Next to the fountain
And the trees
That humid June day
My dress a shade of orange
I know you would have liked
A shade of orange
I wore the day you were buried
A shade of orange
Similar to the flowers I put on top of you
A shade of orange
That never left my blurry eyes as the tears fell down over you

"I love waking up next to you,"
he says.
My eyes heavy
And heart full
I feel my toes wiggle
While he embraces me
And kisses my smiling cheeks
Our bare bodies under the covers
Dark and light
Wrapped up in each other
My flabby stomach
His toned thighs
My squishy sides
His chiseled chest
Euphoria washes over me
As he tells me again
That he loves waking up next to me
That he loves my little hands
That he loves my adorable cheeks
That he loves my cute smile
That he loves me

I didn't think you'd come back
I thought I scared you off
I thought you'd found someone else
Found a happier life
But here we are
In your little futon bed
Trying to stifle these
"I miss you" tears
Tears I never thought I'd see
Because you have a stupid stoic heart
And you don't let anyone see you cry
I didn't think your heart would let you say those words
I didn't think your heart would let you feel at all
But seeing you cry
Just made me cry
And seeing me cry
Just made you cry

The whole conversation was ******
By tears I thought I'd never ever see
And emotions I thought you'd never feel
But someone broke the glass
And sand started to pour out
As we wrapped into each other
And became a beach
With waves of tears splashing over each other's bodies
Our emotional sand mixing together
Just a shore of
I love you's
I missed you's
Why did you leave?
You hurt me
I never meant to
Go **** yourself
I never stopped loving you

I never stopped loving you
As I walked up and down the shore
Waiting for you to ******* come back
Waiting for you to give me some answers
As to why you left in the first place
Waiting for you to stop loving me
So I could move on
But instead I kept walking up and down the beach
Looking at our collection of shells
Waiting for you to ******* come back

Some people don't realize how much you cry when you throw up
How much you shake
How much your nose runs

Nobody likes to throw up
You feel like a ******* kid
With snot and bile dripping everywhere over the toilet
And your hands clenched to the bowl
Desperate for it to hold you back
And tell you you'll be alright

But I do it every day
Every ******* day
Because I can't afford
A lifetime on the hips

So I find my place on the floor
The place where I spread my towel
In order to make the cold, hard ground
Just a little more forgiving
I have toilet paper ready to wipe my mouth and nose
Because **** gets messy after the first retch of regret

But once it's all over,
You can't just tell people,
"I threw up everything I ate today."
You have to keep going
Like nothing ******* happened
Because otherwise they flock over you
And don't let you do it anymore

I was always cautious about using the L word
The word used after like
The big L
Because you can't take that **** back
Once you say it,
You can't unsay it
You can't unhear it

Then I found the L word
I found him
A milk chocolate man with yummy espresso eyes
A goofy, crooked smile that never quits
Tight, soft curls pushed back in a black mane
And a voice that floats on feathers

I found the L word
In between my fingers where he holds my hand
On the nape of my neck where he kisses me at night
Across my cheeks where he brushes his hand
In my mouth where he feeds me the food he's prepared

I found the L word while I was folding my laundry
While I was making us coffee
While we were talking about everything
While we were doing a puzzle and getting nowhere
While I was scrubbing his back in the shower
While we fell asleep in the summer heat under the heavy blankets

I found the L word at a time when I didn't think I would
In a person who wasn't supposed to love me
But did anyway
Despite it all

People tend to think it's an act
When you want to **** yourself
And it kind of is
You have to put on an act every day
In order to get through basic ****
Showering,
Eating,
Social interactions,
It's all an act
But you still want to die
That part most definitely isn't an act
That's the most real part of you
The deadest part inside
Is what's keeping you alive

The attention seeking *****
Seeks attention
Because they wonder if anyone actually gives a ****
Or if everyone else is putting on an act, too
Because if all the world's a stage,
And we're all just acting,
Then why not **** off some characters
Shakespeare got rid of Romeo and Juliet
And they were still famous
They were still the stars
And if you can be the star
But still be dead
Then why keep on living
When you're already dead inside

Bun o'clock
I'm hungry but I don't say anything
Because I can hold on longer

Chew pm
Someone says I look thin
Have I lost weight??

Three pounds
Potentially three pounds
But I don't know because I always think I look bloated

Four ice cubes to tie me over
I don't need to eat
I'm okay

Five fat shaming *******
Stroll past me in their skinny jeans
Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0

Tricks o' the mind
Start to play
As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday

Age seven is when
Mama first told me to stretch my shirts
Hide my figure
Watch what I eat
Stop taking second helpings
No dessert

Eight
Looks like a couple of donuts.
Muffins.  Pizzas.
Any round food.
My round stomach.

Nibble pm.
It's okay to eat a little?  Maybe?

Ten pm?
Or ten candy bars?

Eleven hours later
Nothing in my belly
But four ice cubes

Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds
Trick myself
Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow
Tomorrow will be the day
The day I really splurge
Everyone knows that's a lie
But my tummy doesn't