The date is approaching
Time to reflect.
The closer I get
A pain enhances

Ive made it this far
Although not a lot of time has passed
No one remembers
this days true meaning

From screaming and crying
Bleeding, almost dying.
Shaking, starving
For a purpose beyond me

This day it approaches
Time never stops
Always moving forward
Never rewind the clock

This day is a memory
A holiday for some
For me it was when
My life truly begun

October 31st, 2016
2 years it will be
Since my life had no meaning
Now I am here

Living and breathing.

1,2,3,4

Keep counting

It’s heavy, and the air is hot

1,2,3,4

Keep counting

I hear the screaming, and all the lies.

Come on girl, keep counting

1,2,3,4 snap snap

My hands are trembling I can’t quite see

But 1,2,3,4. Keep counting. You’ve gotta breathe.

1
2
3
4

That’s how many breaths you need
Count to 4. Count to 4.
Just. Keep. Counting.

Further and further
Deeper and deeper
Into this trench of emotions
This abyss of never ending emotions
Backwards I go never reaching my goal
Always seeing the light
But never touching it
An abyss of drama
Overreacting to the mere tone
Making a problem out of sheer nothingness
Rewinding my fate
Never reaching the day
I become who I really want to be
Fear of gliding forward
Always backsliding.

If love was a game I'd lose.
The pain of love is too much for me to
understand the pain of lost trust is
enough to **** your friend enough to
end your name and your life end your
being, but the gain from love is the
feeling of pride and happiness when
you look in their eyes. The feeling of
joy when you realize they are the one
you want for the rest of your life, but


Its Over.
Done.
No more.....
Of the love

The love you crave is now the love you craved.
The joy you feel is now the joy you felt.
The love he loves is now a love he once knew.

You see? Love is a gift and a curse a pain and a spell.
What is love?
Love is a four letter word just like Pain
Just like hurt
Just like that one feeling
that you swear should never be felt...
because the last time you felt it your heart.....
Broke.
"Love is pain and pain is love"

Pain shouldn't be heard in the love you deserve
The love you deserve is what will bring
You back to what you need.
What you need to be......
To be....
To be....
**Loved

I’ve never been here before, but I’ve been here a million times.
The only difference now is my pain is mine
I can’t look at myself because now I look different
You want to see me, but now I feel different.
These bruises on my skin are deeper than cuts
These slices in my legs are thinner than my blood
The sensitivity of my body is fresh to touch
I want to give you what you want, but I’m not the same
My body was a temple and now it’s remains
Sexually depleted and mentally I’ve gained a new perspective on a different kind of pain.

A place I find in the depths of my mind
It sits and ponders waiting for its time
To show the world it can really be
True happiness for all to see

Smiling towards every morning
Shining brightly the suns in my eyes
I can’t help but love this day
It’s a feeling I never want to go away

Poetry it speaks to the soul
Little words and conundrums that are told
Everyone’s peace and true feelings spoken
Feel my poetry like a token
Of gratitude I’m giving to you for listening

I’ve never been happy for this long and it’s quite a blissful feeling

I hold my breath when you speak
I don’t wanna miss a thing
You’re talking to me, endlessly.
And now I’m deep 6 feet.

A rush of wind
        A gust of air
               A broken limb
                     A time for peace
                              A time for pain
                                              I AM ME
Here I am falling again.


               D
               O
               W
                N                                      
       ­              to the pavement, The        
                                                broken  
                                                   glass.

I BURST THROUGH YOUR WINDOW

Now
I'm
Falling
Again.

Do you read this poem.
In complete silence?

Are you walking to a place of violence?

My words are to be heard,
but they will not be spoken.


Here
        I
           Am
                 Falling.....


--------------------------
But I feel so closed in.....
--------------------------

You are my favorite time of day
Like high noon shining brightly in my eyes
You give me love for my heart which was broken in two
I never expected to meet you
A shock in my daily. Unexpected and true
However it was trial run of love for you

Like a Netflix subscription you get 30 days free. You gave me 90, a promo I didn’t know I’d need.
3 months with you looking at the screen
1,000 miles away never touching me
3 months of love felt so deep
I’ll never forget you my cartoon geek.

3 months with you, and I cannot disregard the fact that I was hurting and love was scarred
You told me im beautiful, and were everything I’d asked God for.
But I wasn’t ready for you, and this you knew.
Childish, and petty. Fights and dismay.
My 90 days were running by quickly
I wasn’t ready for you.

Stuck in my covers, and darkness around me. You were my light trying to guide me.
Support me in my decisions, and correct me when I’m wrong. Laugh at my jokes, and listen to my song.

I here you ringing here comes another call. Late nights with you, sleeping on the phone.
Forever and ever? I thought it was true
However forever ended to soon.

They all said I’m crazy, and that you weren’t real. You couldn’t love me when you aren’t here.
Pictures can’t mean anything, words can’t either. He’s not standing next you. You’re in love with a computer.

Tick tock, tick tock. My trials almost over.
I don’t want it to end, but you’re leaving me it’s clear

A night I regret. I’ve never been so scared. I told you I loved you and another man appeared. Taking my strength the little I had left. No longer can I appreciate your light because that man took my eyes.

I’m really in the dark. Visions to see. You were so unhappy with me. Is it my fault? Did I do this? Should I have listened and reported it? It doesn’t matter now because you no longer care

I did it to myself you said it wth out words. You no longer smiled, or looked at me with love. And here they were again telling me to leave.

This man doesn’t love you. It just can’t be.


I’d fallen so deep in love with your eyes. Your smile had made me want to try.

Leave him they screamed. Forever ever? You’d say. But here we were still 1,000 miles away

My trial is over and it ended with a bang. A long text message I sent with regrets. Knowing I needed you, but listening to everyone else. Knowing you were done with me by the look on your face “let’s see how that works for you” it’s what you said.


3 months I spent on my phone
Late night calls, and I didn’t feel alone
3 months I feel oh so deep. In love with everything you mean so much to me.
3 months and my trial had ended

I had to pay up. What was the cost?
My heart is all that I had to pay.

Worth it I now say, because although you have my heart. I know what it feels to be in love.

Worth the pain, and now the lonely nights. As long I know that you’re alright. These months were worth all of my tribulations.

Now I know to listen myself, and no one else.

I could still be happy. Still in deep. Paying for my subscription for you indeed.

3 months of love
3 months of pain
3 months of hearing your name.
Every picture every word. Remains deep.

I didn’t realize then how much you loved me.

Because I was your Penelope.

I’m crying
Lemme call you
Why aren’t you picking up?

You’re crying
I answer first ring
I drop everything
I help you

I text you
Left on delivered
Why aren’t you listening to me

You text me
I’m already on the way

I’m crying
I texted him
He answered immediately
He called me
He listened to me cry
He made me laugh
He stayed on the line
I’m falling asleep

I finally have peace

You’re screaming
Your calling me
You’re yelling
I’m not answering

He’s still on the line. I finally have peace, I’m almost asleep

You’re still screaming
And I hear my call go
Beep. Beep. Beep

No more peace. Now I’m awake.
I can’t go to sleep.

And the messed up part is....

You didn’t event want anything.

Every word you speak feels like a song to me
Every smile you share can never be compared
No judgement here
You’re a never ending joy
How will long with this last?

I hope times frozen still.
Grateful beyond any words could describe


Feeling a real love that I never knew was possible
Is like looking through new eyes


Have you ever felt this love?
Have you ever heard this song?
Have you ever looked at yourself through someone else’s eyes?

I’m not just a cardboard cut out. I’m not just a walking doll. With you I’m transparent.

Click, click
Scroll, scroll
Light shine in my face
Clock is ticking
As I lie awake

What time is it now?
Doesn’t even matter
The birds will chirp soon
I’ll hear all the clatter

My family waking,
Breakfast will cook
“You’re up early!”
But sleep I never took

Click, click
Scroll, scroll
Tap, tap
Roll, roll

Side to side
I rocked all night
A comfortable spot?
No, not quite.

Time to get up, another restless night.

Walking.
Why are you laughing at me?
The next hall.
Why are you staring at me?

What so funny?
Whatever it is... just stop laughing at me
What now?

I cant wait for this time to end.
I'm sick of waiting on you to realize I'm still a person.
WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY?!

I cant call anyone.
I just sit alone.
I can't talk to anyone.
I'M still alone.

No more waiting on you to realize.

Here she comes.
There she goes.
Where do I go?
I cant cry.
I can't show them.
I have to hide.
I have to run.
I cant run.
2 more hours.

Ignored this too long.
Whatever it is........
Stop laughing at me.

S
   h
     h
       h

The pain is coming.

It's already time to hide again....

Undress. Deep breath.
Lay down. Tight chest.
Temperature normal. Gown in tact
Vitals good. We have to check.

Back again.
Let’s take 7
You don’t belong in Heaven.

I want to be open.
Free from sin.
I want to be open.
Never to hide again.
  

I want to be open,
To stop the pain.
I want to be open,
To hear the rain.

To wait on time,
No, this feels so sublime.
Stop and think, When can I shine?
I  want to be open,
**I want you to be mine.

Remembering the pain
Embracing every emotion
Letting fear guide my soul
Always looking to the trauma
Piercing the inner workings of my mind
Summoning my demons
Escaping reality

Now as I am here I question the things I see, does she really believe no one will see her changing and new coming and goings I see them just as I see everything else I am not blind. A blind man could see her future better than a man with 20/20 vision. Why? The blind man need not see her to know what her personality will do to her future and how it has affected her past. The man with vision will just look upon her and say she will be fine. NO extra observation. She’s pretty, tall, and elegant, so she must be successful. WRONG. She MUST need help.

       -Heaven Nickole   11/5/12

Life is like spinning...
Your moving fast, and think your in control but all of a sudden
you stop
and things get wobbly....
Then you fall.
The question in life though....
Is when do you stop?
When do you fall?

Who do you talk to about the things you need.?
When the person you thought you needed wasn't there.?
Your life almost ended but you couldn't quite succeed.
So you failed.
A couple more minutes until you leave.
These scars you can already tell are different
That's why you can't be what you want to be.
Your body isn't what it's supposed to be
it's ugly
it's deformed
it's got scars that no one wants to see
it's uglier than people tell you.
Wait no
People tell you you're beautiful.
They just don't see who you really are
they don't see that you are an ugly decrepit creature living through a beautiful world stuck to decide whether or not you live or die your minutes are almost up.
What will you do when your home?
Blades all around you.
Will you begin something new?
Will you switch over to.....
Times up its time to leave.

Help me to understand.

Drrrriiivve me crazy
That’s what it’s like
I drove me crazy

Help me to understand

Take your time listening to me.
Listen to who I am
Not just the voice inside your head
I am

Help me to understand

Who are you to me?
I am the voice who is guiding you to be free

Help to me to understand

I don’t think I’m the one for you
I’m not here to make you blue.

Help me to understand

Who tf are you?

I am nothing but a body with a empty soul.

Wearing your clothes a certain way makes you less of a woman.
Loving who you want makes you a sinner with a demon in you.
Trying to be yourself, makes you so different no one can look at you.
Trying to make your family proud, only hurts YOU in the end.
Living your life, it isn't wanted.
You are over dramatic.
You are suicidal.
You have the devil in your mind.
You are a *****.
You are stupid.
You are nothing.
But
What you really are.....
You are trying
You are hopeful
You are yourself
You are godly
You are smart
You are everything the world needs, just at the wrong time.

I believed in love before you but now I’m kinda iffy
I thought we were gonna last but you really killed me
My love was strong for you could’ve seen a thousand moons
Joy in my heart for the things you could do
Never touched your hands
But I know you touched my heart
You broke me down to this
Now im falling tf apart

Love is a ******* joke like a dark comic
Yeah we’ll show you this happiness but take it faster than sonic
I know you tried your best
But is that really true
Because I gave my all
And you only gave me a few
Reasons to understand
A fake love shown true
Never in my life
Did I think I would lose you

Jumbled up in my mind
.
What can I write?