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 May 2018 Saumya
Kartikeya Jain
How do you forget
the first time
she smiled for you
the first time
she held your hand
the first time
she cried in your arms
the first time
you looked at each other
and froze in the moment
the first time
you knew what love was.

Can the moon
erase the sun
off its memory?
you said I'm gonna *******
I heard I love you
you said you're hot
I understand you're beautiful
you slapped my ***
I felt a caress
you said it’s over
I opened my eyes
you said get away from me
I felt cold
no one can be as blind as a woman in love
 May 2018 Saumya
Meg
i remember your hands around her throat
and how she mistook it for love
and how she thought it meant you’d never let her go
and i remember your words and how you chewed up any kind ones you possessed and spat them
as if they were dirt on the bedsheets as if to tell her she meant nothing
that she was as impure as any kind thing you had ever done
as if to say you meant none of it
but i heard your heart break
and i saw you try and bury it beneath your ***** words
but the cracks poked through and i am sorry
and i remember your feet and how much heavier they sounded leaving, and that sound became my heartbeat
and every time your feet hit the ground i felt them in my stomach, but i took the violence because if you weren’t going to stay at least the bruises would
and i am so sorry i can’t forget
and i am so sorry that sometimes i am still stood alone at train stations, or pressing my nose to frosted glass, waiting for your distorted figure
and i am sorry i am still bruised
i am sorry that i am sorry
i am sorry that i cannot forget
but i have forgiven you
i swear
i promise you that i have.
 May 2018 Saumya
Madeline Thetard
Today I told someone hello.
2. They didn't say it back.
3. Today I smiled at someone in the hall.
4. They didn't smile back.
5. Today I looked in the mirror to see if I was invisible.
6. Turns out I'm not invisible -- then why can't anyone see me?
7. Today I made a fake Instagram account under a trendy name from the 1960s to see whether I knew any people who had real Instagram accounts.
8. All of the accounts were private save for one.
9. Today I forced myself to be happy for a particular past crush who posted lots of pictures on Instagram with his new girlfriend. Hurrah.
10. Today I looked at everyone's smiling faces and wondered why I wasn't smiling with them.
11. Today I wondered why some people are complete idiots.
12. Today I wondered why my skin tone - white as milk - should make people believe that I can't handle spice, or make people believe that I am stupid.
1. Today I told someone hello.
2. They didn't say it back.
13. Today I comforted someone who said she had no love life.
14. I didn't have the courage to tell her that I've never had a love life and probably never will.
15. Today I told someone I write poetry and they laughed at me.
16. Today I cried in front of a mirror while singing a made-up song that wasn't even sad.
17. Today I told people I was fine when I really was not.
5. Today I looked in the mirror to see if I was invisible.
18. I wish I was invisible.
19. If I were invisible maybe it wouldn't hurt so much 'cause I know I'm here but people refuse to see it.
20. Can I please just be invisible?
1. Today I told someone hello.
2. They didn't say it back.
Not in a fantastic mood right now.
 May 2018 Saumya
Daye
Sober
 May 2018 Saumya
Daye
No one ever told me getting high outta my mind till 9 meant that I wasn’t acting fine
Numbing out the pain I can’t remember my name or the numbers we gave
Addicted to the PTSD and the tests you had me take
Leave me in this lost lake and the dreams I believed weren’t fake

I come down for something to make
Fix my hunger with some left overs or some cake
The bottle whispers my name and the percentages got me going insane
Knowing that 14% won’t get you off my brain

Coming at me like a tidal wave
I thought you had me saved
Hallucinating about you rolling up
Getting high on WA-20 and playing the best cuts

I feel so alone so I pull out my iPhone and text:
Purple heart emoji
You don't know me
You never knew me
I was manic me
Did you fall in love with me?

Backspace

Texting hearts and smiley ****
They're for my crew
And for the love I thought I had with you
Should I drive to the Southside, get lit n both with you?
Should I bring this crew?
Tripping all over you

Its been a minute since we kicked it
so I take another hit and
reminiscing about that spliff and
**** it so you’re not missed and

Stoney
Let’s play some Post Maloney and get a little toasty
Low-key coasting until we finish that Gold Leaf
Corny as ****, but this is how my mind gets stuck

Wasted Times is what I’m trying to be good at
But can I waste that time with you?
 May 2018 Saumya
Grand Piano
Steps
 May 2018 Saumya
Grand Piano
Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs in your throat
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling
You know how when you’re not ok but you try so hard to pretend you’re ok that it becomes a ritual
 Feb 2018 Saumya
Dinodust
11am
 Feb 2018 Saumya
Dinodust
It’s 11am and I’m crying
I have a good life, right?
But there’s something terrifying
About not seeing the light

I hate this need
To open a vein
Maybe I’m the wrong breed
To be over this reign

I don’t want this control
I don’t want this life
It’s not like I have a big roll
So I reach for a knife

After your fingers were in me
I felt lost and thrown away
Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be
Tossed aside and left to decay

I go and take pills
I don’t bother to read the label
They’re now empty thrills
And I’m unstable

I can’t think straight
I can’t feel my body
Maybe I’m too late
To be folly

I start at my wrist
This isn’t a new practice
It’s now my bliss
But it feels like a cactus

But now

Everything


Goes



Black

andtheni’mback

I awake to a door opening
And blood clinging to me
But I’m not door focusing
I’m worried about wound degrees

“You’re going to die”
It laughs in my head
But that no longer applied
As I fled

To my father
In the kitchen
“I’m sorry about our honor..”
He stood there and listened

“I love you.”
He said, with tears in his eyes
And now I made him blue..
At least my choice was wise
 Feb 2018 Saumya
Natasha
I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.
just a rant
 Feb 2018 Saumya
flower-color
have you ever thought
how would you want to die?

i have

burning to death
would be too noisy
too red i guess
and i don't like red

taking pills
would be too fast
and too painful i guess
i'm tired of pain

jumping of height
would be impossible in my town
and too fascinating
it would be like flying

but imagine drowning
i think it would be magical
water have always called me
time would stop
i wouldn't hear anything
and stop breathing
but i still would be there
in silence, in stillness,
in water, in calmness,
it would be like
a holidays for eternity
.........
i think about it too often i guess..
 Feb 2018 Saumya
Lyda M Sourne
It's 3am

I'm on the phone
No one's awake and I'm alone

It's 3am

The radio's on
Songs are played on lonely station

It's 3am

I'm in my bed
My eyes are open and sleep has fled

It's 3am

I'm on the balcony
The sky is dark and just quite scary

It's 3am

Some windows have lights
Could they also not sleep tonight

It's 3am

I'm still awake
When will life ever give me a break
Insomniac nights are the worst. And it's been going on like this for quite awhile.
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