Watching the warped horizon
I’m drowning in my tears.
I can see the surface
and it’s so far from here.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I seek out the pain?
It’s like I’m addicted to hurting
Thrive off the feeling of sinking
Of melting away.

Until I go so deep
And realise I need to breathe
Then I’m screaming for air,
Someone, drag me out of here, PLEASE.

And yet I never take their hands
I never put the effort in
I never try to hold my breath
I never really try to swim

It’s my drug and I love it
And that is so wrong
But it scares me to death
When I’m down there too long.

When I can’t break the surface
That is when I scream
WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!
DO YOU HATE YOURSELF? IS THAT IT?

Or are you just so empty….
Every single day…
That misery is salvation
In so many ways.

It’s easy to find
And it’s easy to cry
And you bear it for a while
Until
You
Feel like
You want
To die.

You’re preaching your vanity
To my innocent insanity
But I will hide within
While you strut and jut your chin.

Feeble destruction, I confess
Sitting in my pretty dress.
Ribbons of gold and silk of blue
I wouldn’t lift my skirt for you.

Roses white and gentle pink
Stained with red when the thorns *****
To behead a rose - 'tis not wise
Our stinging beauty terrifies.

Among the peonies, footsteps soft
Pretty little ladies’ faces don’t rot.
Corsets choking our manic laughter
Underneath her frills it’s a disaster.

My innocent insanity
Comes with a smile.
Take my paper hand good sir
Stay with me for a while.

You’ll enter blind
And leave a new man
Able to hear
That that is not there
And barely able to stand.

Need for control, keep them in line,
Emotions cannot stay.
It’ll do no good,
For my mind to stray.

The thought of losing control,
Doing something not entirely planned:
A nightmare, terrifying.
God have mercy, I can’t stand.

Under this spell,
Her image never leaves me.
Imposter – what is this?
W h a t
A r e
Y o u
D o i n g
T o
M e ?

Can’t take my eyes off.
My shell of steel, it weeps,
Slowly melting,
Pooling at our feet.

The light inside pours out,
Gasping with rattling lungs for some air,
Golden, but cold, divine and lonely,
I’d be no man to say I’m scared.

The light, it spreads.
Moving with her grace,
Like an angel’s glow
That seeps across her face.

Control slips its hand from mine,
Like a parent letting go of her child.
Go, it whispers. You don’t need me,
Not with her eyes, her smile.

Back and forth back and forth,
Light, control, light, control.
Balanced on the edge of nothingness
Don’t fall into that hole.

Control shrinks to nothing,
And emotion is forced into my lungs
Like being drowned.
No longer dodging the guns.

That’s when I pull her to me
Our hearts scream inside.
My brain yelling “DON’T YOU DARE!”
I won’t. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t possibly-
I lied.

He tells me that I’m beautiful.
That I’m good at what I do.
He tells me that I’m worth every cent while the clock ticks to two.
The mattress is up against the window.
The door is locked x3.
I sit and watch as the smoke floats and drifts around me.
I use my magic words.
And I do my hair just right.
I’ll make a bunch of money if I can make it through the night.
The drugs make it bearable.
So my body hardly feels.
This is my reality now. This is what is real.
Makeup painted on my face
And Fishnets up my thighs.
I tell him that I need him, right to his buggin eyes.
His pipe and rock are on the floor.
So I watch where I walk.
When he gets it in his system I can hardly even talk.
The paranoia eats his mind
As the clock ticks to 4.
He locks us in the bathroom, so no one can see us anymore.
The last of his drugs are gone
As the hour comes to 5
He tells me that I’m beautiful. That I make him feel alive.
He drops me off at home
And thanks me for what I’ve done.
“Last night was great.” He says with a smile,
“I Can’t wait for the next one!”

Mirror mirror on the wall
How dare you show me that face
I am disgusted the image displayed
'Tis one I must replace.

Mirror mirror on the wall
Turn away from me
Don't highlight my eyes or the curve of my lips
I don't want to see.

Mirror mirror on the wall
You ambush me every time I come in.
There she is, glaring in glassy grey
The woman with a face of sin.

Mirror mirror on the wall
I'll drape a veil over you
Just like I do myself every day
You can be a mourner too.

Mirror mirror on the floor
Look at your warped shards of me
A fit of anger, a rage of hate
I have won, and I.
  Will.
      Not.
          See.

First there was fear
A stranger approaching.
Caressing me
Touching me,
Stroking my neck
with fingers so silky
I questioned whether they were there.

There was no use fighting
But I didn't know
And so I tried.

In one swift spin
like a lady on a dance floor
I was whirled into a wall.
Gentleman, ever so gentle,
He lay me against the brick
Like smoothing a poster flat.

Moving his hands
deft and soft,
up and down me, like a lover,
but only as a hunter.

I melted under his touch,
He took me by the chin and pulled me close.
And my breath was taken away from me
upon smelling his heavenly scent.

Like the vermilion rose of a summer's day
dipped in honey,
Sickly and welcoming.

I eased into his embrace,
His lips brushed my neck,
Pressing harder, harder,
I could barely feel the pain.

His lips pulled at my skin,
the warmth rushed into my head
and I grew sleepier and sleepier.

Sighing into his collarbone,
Against his open collar,
'Twas a rip into reality
When he pulled away.

I never got to see the face
of my ten second lover.
He vanished before my blurry eyes
And left me weak and trembling
With blood running down my neck
and from his lips.

It's far from homely
Odour of something
Don't know what.
Kick crushed cans
Scattered
Envelopes of late payments:
cant afford them.
Shove them aside
Drag thumbs over
The chipped controller
The tinny TV
The low-res game.
Grab a stranger
One night stand
Clinging to their skin.
Unsightly.
Grunt.
Chafed and blotchy
Pretty scrawny
No one cares.
Use them
Like they are using you
To escape the drag
That is this existence.
Leave them in silence
Belt buckle done up
Hiss goes the beer can
Slump
Take a swig.
Back tomorrow
To the grind
Splash face
With water
Fumble sleepily
With the nylon tie
And crawl through
Another day.