I only knew you for a month. I met you and then you were gone. As quick as the change of seasons here in Illinois. But I get it. I get why you left. I would too. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. If I only get to know you for a month that’s ok too. If you ever decide to come home I hope you find me. I’ll continue on with my life and move along with the changing seasons and smile when a boy tells me I’m pretty. I’ll wonder what you’re up to from time to time and pray to whatever God there is that maybe I can see you again soon.

You crawl under my skin without even realizing
what you're doing.
Every time I tried to shed
myself of you,
you always ******* came back.
Every time I said to myself,
"this is it, this is the end."
You always snuck back in
and wrapped your arms
tightly around me.
You are an addiction to me.
It's killing me so slowly.
So painfully.
And you didn't even know it.
Because you will never feel the same.
This death is slow and this death hurts.
But I'll take every minute of it
just for a few happy seconds with you.
You are ****** in a human form.
You are whats going to end me.

I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.

White wine and blonde hair.
Thats all I saw for months
after the first night you kissed
me goodbye last spring.
You were the first thing
I loved after falling out of love.
One bench.
One river.
One bottle of wine.
Two people.
Eight months of pain
ahead of me
that I could have never imagined
would have ended the way it did.
But for the rest of my life I would
see white wine and blonde hair.

You wrapped your arms
around me in the middle of the
night, I almost forgot what it
was like to be cared for,
until you reminded me.
And when I came over
and took care of you
while you were drunk
I was in fear,
because growing up
and even in past relationships
I only saw violence in
intoxicated men.
But when you looked at me,
while I was only wearing
an old T-Shirt and shorts,
and called me beautiful
I knew I shouldn't be afraid.
You started showing me what it's
like to be cared for,
instead of abused
and used.
And I know I may be scared sometimes,
almost like some sort of
bad PTSD,
but please just stay with me.

why're we always the most
vulnerable at 5am?
when we wake up from a deep
sleep
in the dark of the morning
and everything hits you.
i remember when you left
my 5am's were always worse
than my 2pm's.
and my dreams would
haunt me back to sleep.

I wish I could tell you about
all the late night drives
I had to take this summer,
and how I would think about
you every second.
I swear to god there were
times I would pass your exit
on the highway
and I would almost turn around
and drive straight to you.
But I haven't seen you since April,
and considering it's now September,
I'm sure you don't think of
me much.
I would listen to your old
voicemails, and sometimes
I would almost swerve into
lanes because my eyes
would be blurry from the tears.
I always thought to myself,
if the last thing I heard
was you whispering
"I love you"
through the phone
on an open road at
midnight, I don't think
I would quite care.

You couldn't even cut the tension in
the air with a knife
because of how thick it was.
You and I have managed
to make the air around us concrete.
And here I was
trying to grow flowers
in the cracks,
even though me and you
really knew how to poison
those flowers
until they could grow no longer.

And i refused to love anyone
the way i loved you
until i felt that fire ignite
in my chest,
like it did the first day
i talked to you,
when you told me
my smile made your
world go round
the first time you saw it.
i wonder if you felt that fire
too and if you
refuse to give yourself to someone
until you feel it again.

I built him a home
with two arms and
a whole heart.
Well, maybe the heart wasn't
whole, this heart has been shattered
plenty of times, but i gave it all
to him.
I gave him this home to feel safe
to feel love
to feel no fear.
But maybe he didn't like the color
or the clouds that sometimes
hung over head,
because he left and burned
it to the ground.
I hope he feels safe and nothing but love
and i hope no fear ever steps in his way.
And maybe he would prefer the home
she builds for him instead.
Maybe she'll build it with bright
colors and may the sun always shine
where he is.
We all know a heart that has been shattered can never make a steady
home.
But maybe my house was only
made for one, and maybe
he was never welcomed
in the first place.

there is no worse feeling in
the whole world than
trying so ******* hard
to only fail.
like i swear to god it smells
like this house is burning down
but everyone knows it burnt down
years ago.
and maybe i'm a little drunk,
but maybe i always am.
like god didn't give me
the power to do anything,
except write.
like i will never be heard by
anyone.
and my face lotion
smells just like you,
but now a days i smell
a house burning down
and i think it smells like you.
and the word "sorry" seems
to slip out of my mouth a lot
more than it should.
i think thats what a
burning house is like.
maybe its saying sorry, agreeing, and failing
even though you know
you shouldn't.

You were fire
but so was I.
When you didn't get your way
you got angry with me.
When I didn't get my way
I got angry with you.
And when we would get over it
I would let you call me
when you were drunk
and run my fingers through
your hair in the dead of the night.
I would read your grocery lists for you.
I would wear your clothes home.
I would let you kiss my shoulders.
I would breathe your toxins in
because you made my flame
a lot stronger.

you had to have known it hurt.
you had to have.
I could’ve drowned myself
in anything
but of course it had to be you.
and this shouldn’t break me
but this broke me.
and I felt nothing because
you made me numb
and I swear that i’m done
I always swear that i’m done.
and you know I like your hair long
and you know I hate it when
you look at me like that
but you always look at me like
that and I drown every single
******* time because
that’s what they do to you
and you let them do it.

i remember all the times
i made you say goodbye
to me a little longer
just in case i never
got to say goodbye again.
i didn't know the last time
we said goodbye,
was going to be the last
time i would ever see you.
i didn't know this until you
ended our relationship
over the phone the next day.
i've just about come to terms
with it all now that it's
been months.
but i still wonder if all the
extra minutes i made you
stay and hold me
until you left
accounted for the time
i never actually got to
say goodbye to you.

sometimes I think about what I would do if someone handed me a liquid that ended my life right away without feeling any pain or putting in any effort.
a few years ago I probably would have taken it without hesitation,
but now I would stop and think about how the sky turns pink when the sun sets in the evening.
I would think about how my dogs lick and jump when I first walk through the door after a few short hours.
I would think about how the sun reflects off the buildings in the city on a beautiful day and how good it feels to look at while drinking a cup of coffee-
I would think about how at ease we laid on the train ride home that day and how whenever we're standing under a sky full of stars we look at eachother instead of up.
life is full of little moments that set us free

*do not drink the liquid.

I thought to myself,
"I can't be with him, because
I am in love with someone else."
And I did not come up with this conclusion
because I was waiting for that someone
to come around.
I knew that wasn't going to happen.
But I did it because it would not be fair.
I would lay with him at night
and wish he was that other someone.
While he had soft skin
and lips
just like that other someone,
I would still only imagine it being
that someone.
And I constantly thought
to myself
"I can't do that to him."
Yes, he puts stars in my sky,
but the stars of that other
someone burned so much brighter
in that same sky.
I just can't seem to let him go.

They tell you how bad it hurts when
a lover leaves, but they never
warn you about ending friendships.
How the person you would talk to
and see everyday, doesn't want to
talk to you and see you anymore.
And you know you did nothing wrong,
just a simple change in mind.
But this was the person who was
never suppose to leave.
The one you called family.

Duty is an act of violence put on is the second we are born into the world.

The second I picked up the crown I was covered in blood that belonged to no one but myself. The throne looks right at me. The sword lays at my side. It bore my name long before I took my first breath. There is one rule and I will follow it to my grave.

Despite all of my attempts I have never been healer. I blame my ****** up parents. I hurt people and they leave and I am alone in a room full of silence. I sing to try and forget, but it does not work.

There is a home waiting for me with someone else, in a town I want to breathe in. I will leave this town quietly and at night I will tremble but he reaches over and touches me like a prayer for which no words exist.

In my nightmares the one who hurt me says “I love you” and all of a sudden my anger feels like a curse. I don’t know if I was born with anger in my veins or if it stuck after a while but, it’s all I have.

Being alive is a sin. My anger is a sin. God taught me guilt when I was about nine. I haven’t let it go since. I will die tired and when I go I will go somewhere good. I hope it’s good because hell is nothing but doubt, which I’ve felt my whole life.

Let me be free.

I lay in bed at night asking the ceiling “but how can I sleep with all of this blood on my hands and the weight of the world in my head?”

I wanted to call in sick to work today
and tell them that i just couldn't do it.
and its not the sickness your mom can make you soup for
or the doctor tells you to rest and drink liquids.
It's the kind of sickness that makes you feel like
if you take one step out of bed the ground is going
to crumble beneath your feet.
It's the sickness that caused you not to eat for days
or weeks.
It's the sickness that makes everything in the world
feel like absolutely nothing.
The doctor can't fix you
Your mother cant fix you
No one can fix you.
Only you can do it.

I think the silent write.
I can't get out a sentence without stuttering
or sounding like a complete idiot.
I can go over a sentence 12 times in my head
but when it comes to saying it,
I am not capable.
but I can put a pen to a piece of paper
and write you a story.
I write because I cannot speak.

And i knew
i was completely ruined
when the sight of your
eyes started to make me
weak at the knees.
i started to memorize
each curl at the
nape of your neck.
i promised myself
i wouldn't let this happen,
but we all know i'm weak for
the things that don't need me.

Before you go on to break my heart you should know:
These walls are made of brick and they will not
fall, no matter how awful the trauma is.
This heart has been shattered plenty of times,
but it has been put back together every single time,
by no one other than myself.
I have fought many different wars for many years.
Let me tell you that if you even think you are capable
of tearing down my castle,
you can't.
I have built this house so strong
that even the strongest storm
will not tear it down.
This house was built from
storms and it will never
be destroyed by one.

They'll let you
destroy yourself
for them,
and when you decide you
have had enough pain,
and leave,
they'll act like you
were the one who
ruined it.

the people around me
don't understand what it's like
to be stuck living in
what seems like the smallest town in
the world
with a mind and dreams bigger
than the whole galaxy.
it feels like suffocating.
like each day passing I'm going
deeper into the water.
only hoping to one day
be set free.

I keep seeing your eyes everywhere i go.
I keep feeling your arms wrapped around me
in my dreams.
Sometimes i'll be driving through
a beautiful sunset
and your scent will come
across me.
I had every crack and callus on your
hands memorized.
And now I barely remember the sound of
your voice.
And thats life
and I am trying to be okay with that.
Okay with the fact that I might die
one day without ever seeing you again,
hearing you again.
You were my life and now
you're absolutely nothing but
a memory.
All I want to know is if you
miss me too.
This is the cold truth about life.

Dark hair.
Dark hair was what
I was always after.
That was until you swept
into the room with
blonde curls
falling down your
forehead.
And I can spot that
red Mustang from miles
and miles away.
I started to paint
my nails red.
My lips red.
Even though I was never
that fond of the color red.
You painted my life
a different color
when you entered it
and im afraid that i will
never be able to get rid of it.

I will never forgive you for the way
you tore my heart right out of my chest
and left me on the ground to die.
This is the art of giving someone everything
you possibly can and loving until
you had nothing
for someone to decide they didn't want you in
their life.
this is ******.
This is someone giving you an oxygen tank
to help you breathe
to take it away a year and a half later
and expect you to breathe on your own.
This is how you rebuild yourself because
you were my other half and since you left
I only feel like I am half.
this is what you did to me.
I will never forgive you.

they looked at me and said
“what happened to him?”
and I said back,
“well, I don’t think he’s
capable of caring for anyone
but himself right now,
but when he is, she
is going to be the luckiest
human in the world.
and I will always be jealous.”

I'm laying in my bed and
i swear to god
i can almost feel my skin burning
as i lay where you did last night.
no one else would be able to tell
you were here, but i know.
and i wish i didn't.

i wanted so badly to be saved
and i wanted you to be the
one to do it.
but it turns out
people are never the
antidotes.
you were never the cure.
it turns out
you were killing me
all along.

how many times do you sit alone in your room whispering to yourself
"he doesn't love me"
over and over again
and when are you going to give up
and realize you've
been right all along.

He will leave you
when he's finished with you.
After he's done raging war
on your life.
He will be fine.
He will not know that
you sit in the shower
scrubbing all the places he touched
you
trying to wipe away his finger prints.
Until your skin can't take it anymore.
He will not know that every bruise
he left you
with every hit
every name that was called
is still healing
on the inside and out.
He will not know that you are picking
up all the pieces he left
and trying to put that back together.
He never cared for you.
He never will.

lets sit together and ******* feel something.

Let me tell you what it feels like
to have the one person you would
have done anything for destroy you.
He told me i wasn't special and that i
never would be.
Yes, we were together when
he said this.
And he didn't care.
He didn't care that i would
cry for hours over this.
He didn't care that even when
I, like an idiot, forgive him
I will still remember what he said.
And he didn't care that
I knew he would do it again.
Even when he apologized
and swore he would never hurt me
again.
He would.
And i knew it.

what heartbreak it is to feel a storm in your chest everyday.
to feel like you don't belong in your own skin.
and i know one day we will all be happy
because that's what they tell us right?
but i swear to god it has been cloudy and raining everyday.
I've been praying for a sunny sky for days
weeks
months
years.
And i know
i should be happy.
But how does one find happiness
trapped
like a prisoner
in their own mind.

stop destroying your life
and yourself
for people who
don't deserve it.

The slowest
most painful
death you will ever have
is wanting someone
who doesn't want you.

I never understood what people meant when they said that someone else's arms were
their home,
until I was sitting in my own house
and felt completely homeless
because you weren't here
and you were never coming back.

i couldn't wait for the day
you sat, sick, wondering why i wasn't answering.
wondering why i couldn't just care
as much as you care.
cause it makes you sick to think that the person you would do
anything for doesn't feel as deep.
doesn't feel as hard.
because your anxiety has its hooks
dug so far in you that you cant breathe sometimes.
i care more than the others. always.