I loved him and he loved poetry
he loved me and I loved the rosary
around his razor-nicked throat, I lit a candle for him
below the window, and I let him in
just as god told me not to, I let him in
through frosted windows and blood pacts
he found sick ways to keep my heart intact
guns and langer's lines, his lips and poisoned wines
he slid his hand into my pocket and took the church key
wrote about a girl with blue eyes and told me it was me -
and that night I had dream that he let me die
he let me die, just as god had told him not to, he let me die.

Boys singing about madness and metaphors for angels
Love for toys and my own obstinate heart proving worth
I'd guess I was the only ugly girl in the world
who thought of herself as what she truly was
But who in the world could love a girl with killed kismet?
In real time, two-step dancers with platinum faces scarcely remember my name
(Don't you remember that time when you spent thousands on a skin that matches his?
But succumbed to your vice) - oh ugly girl, take my advice
a personality will suffice.

There's been a shooting in North London today -
Ugly girls with nothing but ****** to their name
"You shouldn't be outside," she said to me
But there are stars in my eyes and I can't ******* see
like blood down my throat and I called myself to act
a Monster's actions is what makes a Monster that-
So his gun, his knife, my razor, my prayers
Too many diamonds in these suburban stares
this world is a poison and to **** is to cure
That'd teach ******* like me what it means to be impure -
I have a world in my mind where the skies are mine
and now I wouldn't have to leave it, not this time
Quickly now, you'll be pretty once you're dead
you looked a bit like a boy from the book he'd read
brushing doll hair with tobacco stained fingers
the one thing you knew was the stench of smoke lingers.

Break down the mirror, and break me down
brains in my hair and teeth at my wrists,
she said fourteen caps of alprazolam gave her all she needed
she needs a new world, a new earth, a new ruler, that's what she needed-
I told you it wasn't meant to be this way, i was meant to be the prettiest
but girls with thickened veins and thickened wrists are destined for the bridge edge
My silver smiler body double told me to cut out the poison in my veins
and guess what I did it I did it I did it again
tell them your name, dysmorphia, tell them all what you think of me -
start the car and run me over, honey.

let me tell you boys and girls
how it feels to drag a beating nicotine heart from your ribs
and drain the blood from your pink and purple fingertips
let me tell you how i cried when I pulled a slice from my wrist and told myself I was beautiful
time and time again I told myself i was beautiful -
tell me how it feels to rot inside
and kiss the very thing your mama feared with ruby red lips
i've got time on this earth to spare, kids -
nail paint over blood and bones showing
hoarse throats and his own special kind of poison in my guts -
red eyeliner and a black death in tear ducts.

There's something missing in this heap of hearts.
i'd happily admit he'd fall apart
without his special taste of what was to come
after every horror night he'd slept,
beauty truthful, I wish i'd seen
his glory days, our glory days
we breathe as one, and there's music to come -
but an unstrung guitar would yearn for it.
Something like diamonds or vague metaphors
like years of friends and friendly enemies that struck a bone like a tattooed hand a chord
something like that which fills the soul of rueful smiles and before they left -
he knew that was where he took his breath.
One day I'll come to understand why deprivation is my vice and virtue
and why good things come to those who forget -
but for now its grief for ghosts and phantom hands left unheld
that keeps us both waking during the night.

AND I FELT THE LAST TINGLE OF YOU LEAVE MY BONES AND OH MY GOD
IT FELT SO BITTERSWEET TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU YET SURVIVE WITHOUT THE LOVE OF YOU