I can only ever
appear unbroken
in front of
other people’s eyes.

Inside, all I see
is a tangled line
of confusion,
in a pile of
never ending depression.

His "I love you" came swiftly.
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defences.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship.
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absences, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you" was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you"s were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you"s became poison,
That seeped deep into my bones,
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left.

She's taken your body wash, and used it without permission.
She's used it twice before and
presumed it would be fine to take it again.

You never gave consent.
You even said No.

She's used it twice before so what's a third time,
or a fourth or even a fifth,
she's just hoping you won't snitch and tell someone
she stole something from you...
Your confidence or your peach shampoo?

She lied about the temperature of the bath water,
you were supposed to drown
before you felt the heat,
but you didn't and now you're
tearing your skin to shreds,
Self-destruction on the first date,
how sweet.

She wants you to wash your mouth out,
you said something you shouldn't and now she's mad,
feeling sorry for you is in the past,
the new thing is drowning you in the bath.

Your heads now under water,
feet kicking the floor.
She's doused you with her perfume,
just to see you choke against the wooden frame of the door.

My eyes shut.

I flew with the force of a bullet through my windshield. I never thought it was possible for something so drastic to happen so quickly, but here it was happening once again. I feel my head smack against the ground. The sounds of bones crunching echoes through the air, and then the noise stops.

My eyes open.

I see the dark sky, splattered with stars upon stars. I inhale sharply, searching for my breath that I thought that I had lost. I try to move my hand. I can't. I try to move my leg. I can't. I open my mouth to speak, but I can't let out any words. Instead, I scream. I scream louder then I have ever screamed before. My head turns to the side and looks at the car that I was in not only a moment ago. One of the headlights has died, but the one that still works blinds me.

I flinch, and my eyes shut again.

I can hear the sounds of sirens rushing towards me. I'm lifted up, and put into a vehicle. Something sticks me in the arm. My body goes numb. I can't move, I can't move, why can't I move?

My eyes open.

A year later.

My arms bangs against the side of the wheelchair. The nurse yells at me to not to do that, or I'll get my fingers stuck in the spokes.


                            I can't talk.

                                                          ­        I can't feel

           I can't talk.

                                                                ­           I can't move.


My family comes to visit. I can't even tell my mom and dad that I'm sorry for doing this to them. Do you know what it's like to look your own parents in the face, only to have them cry over the fact that you can't open your own mouth to feed yourself?


                  I can't talk.

                                                               ­             I can't feel

               Can't talk, can't move.

                                                          ­                     Why?

                      I can't talk

                                                           ­     I can't feel.

                                             Why?



My whole body aches to be itself, but it can't because it's stuck in a constant cycle of asking itself how to be itself.

               Why?

                                                     I can't move.

                                                                ­                 I can't talk.

                             I can't feel.

                                Can't feel, can't move.


I just want you to know that I made I mistake.

I just want to be able to feel again.

hey,
i dreamt about you last night,
i woke up feeling lost and empty;
why is it that after so long,
my subconscious still thinks about you?

what a coincidence it was,
when i saw a glimpse of you in the mall,
was it even you?
or simply a fragment of my imagination?
i turned around to dodge your line of sight;
i wanted to pretend i was never there.

seeing you again,
made me drown in emotions,
i thought i got rid of.
i remember the late nights,
the thoughts of you,
me trying to let you go,
and i really thought i already have.

i'm sorry,
it seems as though,
you're still engraved in my heart,
i can't seem to push away the thought of you,
or the loneliness your memory brings me.

but here i am,
writing,
hugging the stuffed toy you once gave me,
at 11:11,
hoping that someday and somehow,
you,
my wish,
would come true.

i watch you
fall at the feet
of those
who will never
know your name

im here
im real
i love you
and you
are distracted

it's embarrassing but it's true.
i just googled "how to fall in love".
and i googled "how to fall in love" because i am not in love right now and i really, really want to be.
my google searchings were inconclusive and i am just as unsatisfied
mind, body, and spirit
as i was when i started typing "h" into the search bar
there is nothing in my heart right now.
my mother knocked and no one was home.
it makes me anxious:
how did i go from someone so overwhelmed by the enormity and ever-presence of her emotions
to someone so void of them that i feel an echo in my chest when someone says my name?
i've also googled sociopathy,
but apparently i'm not one of those.
so here i am, somewhere on a sliding scale
between all or nothing.
and i report from the field that it is not, in fact, all or nothing.
i know i'm not alone out here,
but it sure does feel like it,
when i reach out and even shadows don't reach back.
it's not like i've already accepted dying alone but it's not looking likely that i'll be marrying my college sweetheart, either.
i just want my feelings back.
is there a link to that in the first page of google results?
i'll even pay for shipping, i guess.