We won’t sink back into darkness. I don’t want that for either of us. I’ve worked so hard to be a better father, husband, human. I won’t jeopardise that and my hard fought sanity. Nor do I want to hurt you ever again.

And you’re a locked up box. I don’t have the key.

You’re not a horrible monster. You just made a decision, at a very difficult time. Decisions have consequences. My heart, soul and sanity were the consequence.
My decisions had consequences too, I acknowledge that, but there’s one difference. It’s all in my lines. I won’t rehash it.

I didn’t write those poems to hurt you. When it all got too much, that’s all I had...

The sea saved me this week. I walked past that little car park where you dropped me off that day and **** near lost the ability to breathe.

I can’t stay here any longer. I fly home today. Dad’s back on his feet for now. I asked him what he’s going to do when his frivolous bipolar spending spree runs out. He calmly replied. Suicide.

I have not-so-little humans who need my energy. He doesn’t deserve any more.

When you read my lines, beneath the pain, I still love you.
I can’t feel the warmth from your heart. Mine is cold. Your well wishes are welcome.

I miss you x

You did me a favour. Pulling the pin.
This way we both pretend to be happy.
The alternative was mutual destruction.
I’ve seen that happen and it’s worse than nasty.
You live your life. I’ll live mine.
Forever our heart will beat in time.

I don’t even know if you’re dead or alive

??!?

Loving you is like a black box
Pain goes in
Nothing comes out

I understand what you needed to do
It’s how you did it that ripped my heart out

I always supported you
I was always there for you

You turned your back on me
Cut me off
Cut me down
Like I was nothing

I’ve never hurt like that
It took me to the brink of life

That pain is still with me after all these years
A dull throbbing deep in my heart
An eternal sadness
Once was Askim
No more

You broke me
I’m not normal
Not anymore

I’m still so angry
I’m so ******* angry

I feel like you wanted to hurt me

To get your revenge

There’s no other way

****

I broke

Again.

You don’t deserve these poems
You deserve the silence you enforced upon me
I write these for me and me only
My private refuge. Just me and pain

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened
The silence. The cold
Like a train wreck so mangled it’s impossible to know where it begins and ends

I can remember the exact moment I realised
Realised you’d gone... again
Gone and broken every promise we’d ever made
Flung me into darkness

Why did you ghost me?
Why?
I knew you had to go.
We both knew you had so say goodbye.
Only you didn’t. You disappeared.
No goodbyes. Just silence.
Never in a million years did I expect that from you.

You tried to go quietly, yet you amplified the pain. Like feedback reverberating in my soul that still rings today.
I hear it in the quiet moments. Ringing in my ears. Throbbing in my heart. Darkness in my soul.
Why?

You thought you were doing the right thing but you ******* ripped my soul out.
You should have known. You did know.
My ikizim would not have done that...

I always said you wouldn’t get a third chance to burn me. You ******* won’t.

Askim, if that’s who you are, you can breathe again now, I’ve left…  I’m on a plane to another city, another hotel, another restaurant and crew of people.

Anyway, I’m gone.

I don’t regret messaging you for a cup of tea. I was surprised to hear from you actually. Seems you’ve moved on from ghosting me to just a cold NO. Quite the upgrade really.

Do you really expect me to believe we don’t have anything to talk about… what a load of *******. You might have well just said, *******.
There’s nothing like speaking to your Ikizim like a business transaction. I didn’t hear a shred of emotion in your voice. I forgot how cold you can be. But I guess, that’s what you’re so good at. Compartmentalisation. Put me in a dark box and leave me there. That’s where I live…

You can breathe again. I’m gone. I won’t pull that stunt again… maybe once a decade. Maybe not.

I just thought maybe you’d like to see me :/

Guess not. Sorry askim…

Sorry for disturbing your life. Won’t happen again boss…

This is all I have
Words pouring out of me
Black on white on darkness

You’ll never see this
It’s not for you anyway
Since when did you give a ****

This is for me
I have to channel this pain somewhere
Better here than elsewhere.

Do you think of me when you’re out on the blue ocean?

When you look up at the stars and the moon and the sky, do you think of me?

I saw you in my dream a few nights ago
I hadn’t seen you in years…
I cherished it askim

Miss you x

You’d be proud of me Askim.
I know it didn’t turn out how you wanted.
Work **** well saved me from destruction. From myself.
And I’ve been crushing it.
I may still get crushed, but **** me, I’ll die trying.
What else is there now that you’re gone forever?
There’s just an empty black hole. And a fire that burns me alive.

I understand why you did what you did, just not how
I knew you had a fork in the road
I knew you had a choice
I know you had to make the call

What you didn’t have to do was ghost me

How you ended it hurt more than you’ll ever know

You scarred me for life

An eye for an eye ?

You did turn your back on me.
You did know you were hurting me.

You ghosted me. I called you... day after day... after ******* day... and you left me to burn.

Call it what you will. But you cut the cord and let me float away into space. Cold. Dark. Empty.  Space.

I nearly didn’t ******* make it back.

Don’t you dare pretend what you did was ok.

I’m still seething. 5 years later. I wish you didn’t leave me this way. I’m a broken human.

All I wanted was a good bye. But no. Self preservation kicked in. And you turned and cut and ran.

Who cares about ikizim when you can only care for yourself.

Ikizim died that day. For both of us. You killed ikizim.

And yes, 5 years later I still feel the knife.

Ha. Fucken how crazy are my proms/writing.
Jeezus no wonder you didn’t want to see me. ****. Quick call the guy and just say nah, got nothing to talk about. Hope he goes away…
Smart move.

I see you’re gone. Turned your back again. Left me just that little bit more. It frees me. Frees me to write again. You see, I’d stopped. I didn’t want to affect you any more. I didn’t want you to feel compelled to come here and wallow in my pain. So I’d resisted the urge to write. But now you’ve severed that cord.  Were you set free? Do you feel this? I’d be surprised if you feel anything anymore. Ghosting me is your super power.

This place is mine again. For me to write. Alone.

My heart hurts… I feel it physically. Tug. Tug. Tug. My breath shallow and stilted. My face, in a frown. Burrowed brow. Eyes sunken. With a sadness that permeates them.

You know, sometimes I see people notice the sadness in my eyes. Of all people, I can tell my Mother In-law sees it.

They catch a glimpse of your sadness, mid conversation. And they don’t understand it, but they can’t explain it away. So it nags at them.

I can’t hide my sadness. It’s inside me, just below the surface. Oozing out of me at inopportune times. It feels like it’s soaked into my DNA. It’s me now.

I know you’re not there, but I want the universe to know that I miss you. FWIW.

I associate sadness with you
Drinking makes me sad
Drinking brings me back you
A hollow, bottomless, throbbing feeling
After a while it feels almost reassuring
It may not be nice, but it feels like home
Comfort in its familiarity
My place to mourn you
Deep inside my hollow heart

Do you even miss me?
Do you even think of me?
Do you even give a ****?
I guess I’ll never know...

I wonder what you’re thinking.
I wonder if you think of me often.
I wonder if you’re happy.
I wish for you to be safe.
I hope that you’re happy.
I hope you’re smiling.
I miss you.

I miss you so much. I know I’m not supposed to. Im not supposed to verbalise it.
I’m supposed to be on top of the world right now. But I miss you. So much it hurts. Still.
I’m not even supposed to write this.
Maybe I should just delete everything and start again writing where you’ll never find me. That would be best for you, right. Best for me too.
I broke.
I’m broken.
I saw a psychic. A proper one. She saw right through me. She saw you. She knew us. She knew everything about me. Everything. Down to the last detail. Warts and all. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had. Everything I’ve hidden laid bare.
She said we shared a past life. She knew how intense we were. She knew it all. Scarily so.
I should really let you go.
I’m trying.
I’ve been meditating and working through my energy blockages. It’s brought up so many memories that I’d repressed. Dreams too. Of us.

Just for the record. I don’t expect a reply. I don’t want one.  I don’t write these for you. It’s my therapy.
Maybe I should just disappear again. Delete my account and start a fresh. I think you’d breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t blame you.
**

*******

**

I’m like a ******* broken record. Aren’t I?
I still miss you…
You’re the only other human who actually got me.
I miss our connection. I miss our friendship.

I have so much I want to share with you Askim.

It’s so cruel to just extinguish us.

It’s so cruel

I miss your smile
I miss knowing you love me
I miss your touch too, but I barely remember that now

I miss your mind. Sharp and strong
I miss seeing you smile and your beautiful eyes
Most of all I miss your friendship

We were inseparable
Until that horrible day
You left. You came back. And left again.
Each time tearing my heart open

Now there is a void in my life
A hole in my heart
And a tear in my soul

I miss you, my lover
Most of all I miss you, my friend

I miss you so much Askim…

I miss your friendship most of all. I miss my Ikizim. Are we really going to go through the rest of our lives without our Ikizim? Really baby?

I know we can’t talk… I know he wouldn’t allow it. It’s pretty ****** tbh… but I respect that. **** me, I’ve caused enough tears for one lifetime. For that, I apologise.
The last thing I’ll ever do is complicate your life again. I’m just sitting here silently. This is my only outlet. So please forgive me for writing. Not that you read it anyway.

I never expected to meet Ikizim. It’s just not possible to unforget. I just can’t unforget you.

Ikizim **

I miss our friendship
I miss you, my friend

Yes, love made US and complicated US and tore US apart
But it’s our friendship I miss the most

I wish, I wish we could have it back
I miss you, my friend

For the record I don’t write these for you
It’s my therapy. Mine alone.
A therapy you denied me.
You don’t deserve it.
It’s all I have left.

I’m still mad with you and I haven’t forgiven you.
Just in case you were wondering...
I still love you too. Always will...
And ****** I still think about you daily.
Sometimes good, mostly painful.

Do you remember the good times?
Do you think badly of me?
Do you think of me at all?

I wish I could call you
I wish I could hug you
I wish I could see you smile
I wish I knew when I’ll see you next
I wish I knew if you still think of me at all
I wish I wish I wish I could kiss you

You saved yourself
Did what you had to do
I took advantage of you

Hold your head high
You took care of it
Nothing to see here
Just a train wreck

Long gone
No longer smouldering
Just a dull throbbing
An eternal sadness
Once Was Askim.

Oh Askim. Here’s to me missing you from a hotel room on the other side of the world. You should see the city lights. They’re beautiful, but I’d trade them for a log cabin and a big garden with you…

Miss you **

You don’t quite realise how lost I am
Maybe you’re in the same boat...
How could I know?

When you were lost, I showed you the light.

You could be living out in the boonies with 15 cars in the backyard.

When we met you were about to flush your life away. I gave you the courage and love to be strong. I lit the light ahead. I held your hand.

And when you found your path. You let go.

How is that ikizim?

It still hurts so much.

I wonder how many years it’ll take for the pain to subside?
What if it never goes away?
You said to me “I don’t think we will ever get closure.”
Will we die this way?

I remember you as my equal. Intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. You were the first woman to ever scare me intellectually. I respected you fiercely. Protected you fiercely. ******* loved you fiercely. Still do, despite the endless pain. I miss you. And **** it hurts to see you disappear that little bit more.
I wanted to send you flowers. What a ******* loser I was.

Barely a day goes by where I don’t think about you, Askim
Some days I’m at peace with our distance
But often, it overcomes me and I find myself whispering to myself “I miss you, Askim”
Sending my melancholy into the wind

You’re on my mind tonight and I don’t want to let you go
Please forgive my indulgence of writing this to the universe and upsetting your energy

I still dream of us… as foolish as that may be

Sometimes Askim, I struggle with your words
They’re distant, entirely pleasant and friendly
You’re there, but you’re not there

I understand. You can’t say hello and risk another goodbye. I get it…

I just miss you, Askim **

Askim

I don’t mean to bother you. I just needed to let out some emotions.
I spent this week in your city, and it weighs on me. Just a few weeks ago, I was back in the city we met. And you were in my deepest thoughts. And it’s been a challenge. I’ve been up and down.

I still see you everywhere.

Walking the streets of your city is one of the more nerve wracking and anxiety producing things I’ve done for a while.

I was having lunch this week with your recently departed colleague, who spoke of you, for what seemed like an eternity. All I could do was just breathe in deeply and exhale slowly… while trying to keep my composure. Oh… and… he was pretty happy to get a break from your boss!

I wore your socks and scarf today. Wearing your scarf has an intensity that I can’t quite describe. 2/3 comforting and 1/3 torture. It’s a rather sadistic experience.

Askim, I’m a little perplexed by your enthusiasm to video chat and send gifts, followed by a rather cold semi-silence. We’re all human and it’s not like I haven’t had my moments too! but that messed me around a little.

It’s cool. You can be whoever you want, but it definitely was an unexpected ride.

I didn’t think I was going to write for a long time yet… but it all just bubbled up inside me tonight, right when I was watching GA, funnily enough.

I miss you, Askim.

I haven’t lost the dream…

Work is pretty ******* right now too actually. There’s about to be a blood bath. I’m pretty sure I’m safe, but it’s about to get ugly.

So yeah, the past month has been splendid and smooth.

Anyway, that’s my update.
Don’t worry, I won’t make this a habit. I just had to let the emotions out tonight.

Take care, Askim **

I miss you Askim

I miss talking to you…
I miss making love…
I miss having a friend who knows me inside out…
I miss cups of tea together…
I miss caring about you…
I miss ironing your shirts in the morning and helping you roll up your sleeves…
I miss kissing you…
I miss my friend and lover…

I miss you so much babe :/

I can’t quite wrap my head around that we’re not going to talk again. It just doesn’t feel right. So like… that’s it babe?

Will I ever hug you again?
Will I ever make love to you again?

I’m thinking probably not… but I refuse to let go. Even if you have :/

I should sleep. Gotta check out of the hotel and fly home one last time this year.
I wish I could swing past for a hug on the way :(

I wonder if you miss me like I miss you?

My Askim

I haven’t written for a while. Been busy flying by the seat of my pants.
Some days I’m killing it. Other days it’s hard to breathe, let alone talk.
I hide it fine, but it takes its toll. I guess.

I think a hug would really fix a lot. But I already failed at that one once.

So this is how it stays? I just live broken?

When I think about you, it feels like a black hole inside my heart.

Will I die broken too?

(Found this in my drafts…)

:/ askim

It’s hard isn’t it?

There are emotions bubbling up from the inside of my heart that I’d buried for years

I had a rough week, I’m guessing you did too…

I wanted to write to you every night this week, but I didn’t because it’s already difficult enough without me falling down that slippery *****. So consider this a stop gap. I needed to get some words out to release the pressure in my heart.

I don’t know how you keep it all bundled up inside. But I guess you didn’t let it bubble up to the surface last week, so it’s more manageable.

My love I miss you

I’m struggling to move on

I’m still broken

I wish I could hear your voice
Oh how I dream of you calling me
Just one call...

I do wonder if I’ll ever hear your voice again

You’ve made your mind up to erase me
I don’t have any power.
I’m helpless to your choices

I saw a bunch of Iceland poppies last week
**** near cried on the spot

I just want closure
Anything

Universe? Help me

My love, I miss you.

I wrote to you last night. At midnight. Poured my heart out, and deleted it. It wouldn’t have done you any good.

I wanted to write to you, to let you know I’m missing you. And I still love you, Askim.

You came to me in my dreams a few nights ago… it was so lovely to see you again. But it’s left me fragile.

You’ve been on my mind for days now.

I just wanted to put this out into the universe for you. It’s all I can do.

**

The past week has hurt like hell
Watching your father fade away before your eyes. Manic. Confused. Sedated. Nearly fucken handcuffed to a bed.
I’ve become his carer. For a while.
I’m much more numb to it than I thought I’d be. It has to escape me somehow. I’ve bottled it up. I’ll blow a fuse. I guess....

I’m just up the road from you. A few hours maybe. I don’t really know. What does it matter? I might as well be on Mars.

Nice of you to let me know you’re still alive. Albeit briefly. For what it’s worth, I appreciated that. Much more than you appreciated my poems.

My askim
My love
My soul
Lost
This is all I have
It still stings like the day I lost her
Forever lost
Once was Askim.

There’s one difference between us.
I never hurt you intentionally.
I wish I could say the same for you.

I should probably just get over it.
It’s been years after all.
You see, it still hurts like yesterday.

Searing pain. As fresh as the day you disappeared.

I just want to make you proud