I understand why you did what you did, just not how
I knew you had a fork in the road
I knew you had a choice
I know you had to make the call

What you didn’t have to do was ghost me

How you ended it hurt more than you’ll ever know

You scarred me for life

An eye for an eye ?

I remember you as my equal. Intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. You were the first woman to ever scare me intellectually. I respected you fiercely. Protected you fiercely. ******* loved you fiercely. Still do, despite the endless pain. I miss you. And **** it hurts to see you disappear that little bit more.
I wanted to send you flowers. What a ******* loser I was.

Ha. Fucken how crazy are my proms/writing.
Jeezus no wonder you didn’t want to see me. ****. Quick call the guy and just say nah, got nothing to talk about. Hope he goes away…
Smart move.

I see you’re gone. Turned your back again. Left me just that little bit more. It frees me. Frees me to write again. You see, I’d stopped. I didn’t want to affect you any more. I didn’t want you to feel compelled to come here and wallow in my pain. So I’d resisted the urge to write. But now you’ve severed that cord.  Were you set free? Do you feel this? I’d be surprised if you feel anything anymore. Ghosting me is your super power.

This place is mine again. For me to write. Alone.

My heart hurts… I feel it physically. Tug. Tug. Tug. My breath shallow and stilted. My face, in a frown. Burrowed brow. Eyes sunken. With a sadness that permeates them.

You know, sometimes I see people notice the sadness in my eyes. Of all people, I can tell my Mother In-law sees it.

They catch a glimpse of your sadness, mid conversation. And they don’t understand it, but they can’t explain it away. So it nags at them.

I can’t hide my sadness. It’s inside me, just below the surface. Oozing out of me at inopportune times. It feels like it’s soaked into my DNA. It’s me now.

For the record I don’t write these for you
It’s my therapy. Mine alone.
A therapy you denied me.
You don’t deserve it.
It’s all I have left.

You don’t deserve these poems
You deserve the silence you enforced upon me
I write these for me and me only
My private refuge. Just me and pain

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened
The silence. The cold
Like a train wreck so mangled it’s impossible to know where it begins and ends

I can remember the exact moment I realised
Realised you’d gone... again
Gone and broken every promise we’d ever made
Flung me into darkness

I had the hope of seeing you this week… in my heart I wanted to see you. But I knew you wouldn’t be there. And when I arrived there, I couldn’t feel you.
I knew you weren’t there.
The place felt empty. It felt like I didn’t have a purpose there.
I still looked for you… in every new face, there was a little flicker of hope that maybe it was you. Followed by a stab of disappointment…

I was in the city where we met in recently. Boy did that **** with my head. I was walking the street alone…drunk and high… just walking inside my feelings, when I saw you. I swear. I walked past this girl and there was no doubt in my mind it was you. None.
I lost the ability to breathe… half doubled over I spun around and circled back, in shock and disbelief. Approaching the girl, wide eyed… it clearly wasn’t you…
I’ve never been so relieved and upset at the same time. Yes, that’s a weird feeling.
I staggered back down the street. Shaking my head in disbelief… I saw you Askim. I saw you. It was beautiful. A few seconds with my Ikizim.
I had a thought today. What if I’ve seen you for the last time… what if… that’s it. What if we never feel each others vibration again.
what if…

My love, I miss you.

I wrote to you last night. At midnight. Poured my heart out, and deleted it. It wouldn’t have done you any good.

I wanted to write to you, to let you know I’m missing you. And I still love you, Askim.

You came to me in my dreams a few nights ago… it was so lovely to see you again. But it’s left me fragile.

You’ve been on my mind for days now.

I just wanted to put this out into the universe for you. It’s all I can do.

**

Do you think of me when you’re out on the blue ocean?

When you look up at the stars and the moon and the sky, do you think of me?

I miss you so much Askim…

I miss your friendship most of all. I miss my Ikizim. Are we really going to go through the rest of our lives without our Ikizim? Really baby?

I know we can’t talk… I know he wouldn’t allow it. It’s pretty ****** tbh… but I respect that. **** me, I’ve caused enough tears for one lifetime. For that, I apologise.
The last thing I’ll ever do is complicate your life again. I’m just sitting here silently. This is my only outlet. So please forgive me for writing. Not that you read it anyway.

I never expected to meet Ikizim. It’s just not possible to unforget. I just can’t unforget you.

Ikizim **

You’d be proud of me Askim
I’ve achieved so much
I’m driven by the pain
**** it burns inside me
I want you to be proud
Despite my anger
I guess you’ll never know now
So what does it matter

I understand what you needed to do
It’s how you did it that ripped my heart out

I always supported you
I was always there for you

You turned your back on me
Cut me off
Cut me down
Like I was nothing

I’ve never hurt like that
It took me to the brink of life

That pain is still with me after all these years
A dull throbbing deep in my heart
An eternal sadness
Once was Askim
No more

I don’t even know if you’re dead or alive

I wonder if you miss me like I miss you?

I miss you, my friend.
I miss my friend.
We were so much more. We were more than words can describe.  
But it’s your friendship I miss the most...
You always said we couldn’t just be friends. Maybe so.
But It’s your friendship I miss the most...
No one knew me like you. No one knows you like I did. That’s still true. We both know it.
But It’s your friendship I miss the most...
I’d trade almost anything to be friends again.
I know it won’t be.
Self preservation is stronger than all traits.
And you have that stronger than most.
So be it.

Loving you is like a black box
Pain goes in
Nothing comes out

You did me a favour. Pulling the pin.
This way we both pretend to be happy.
The alternative was mutual destruction.
I’ve seen that happen and it’s worse than nasty.
You live your life. I’ll live mine.
Forever our heart will beat in time.

Askim,

I came and I left. I missed you. Gosh how I missed you. I don’t feel like I’m even allowed to admit it. I surely don’t feel like I can email this to you. I missed you.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt a tear roll down my cheek. Let alone many.
It’s been a big week. I kicked ***.
I miss you.
I sorry. I’m supposed to be stronger.
I just have a lot of emotion to release and it’s all coming out tonight.
Maybe I should I delete this. I don’t even know.
I feel like we’re more lost than we’ve ever been. But maybe that’s just me. I feel quite lost at the moment. Generally.
I’m not sending this so you can save me. I’m just burning up on the inside and I need to let it out.  I’m sorry.
I wish I was stronger.

I saw you in my dream a few nights ago
I hadn’t seen you in years…
I cherished it askim

Miss you x

I miss you Askim

I miss talking to you…
I miss making love…
I miss having a friend who knows me inside out…
I miss cups of tea together…
I miss caring about you…
I miss ironing your shirts in the morning and helping you roll up your sleeves…
I miss kissing you…
I miss my friend and lover…

I miss you so much babe :/

I can’t quite wrap my head around that we’re not going to talk again. It just doesn’t feel right. So like… that’s it babe?

Will I ever hug you again?
Will I ever make love to you again?

I’m thinking probably not… but I refuse to let go. Even if you have :/

I should sleep. Gotta check out of the hotel and fly home one last time this year.
I wish I could swing past for a hug on the way :(

I wonder how many years it’ll take for the pain to subside?
What if it never goes away?
You said to me “I don’t think we will ever get closure.”
Will we die this way?

My askim
My love
My soul
Lost
This is all I have
It still stings like the day I lost her
Forever lost
Once was Askim.

??!?

I told someone about you yesterday
I told them about us.
Of the love. Of the loss. Of the pain and desolation.

I don’t talk of us lightly.
But it was the right thing to do
You see he was in the same situation
And he couldn’t see out of the hole

I’ve been there, you see
I clawed my way out without you
So I lent him my hand
Proof that loss of your ikizim isn’t a death sentence
Just a life in which you feel dead

You saved yourself
Did what you had to do
I took advantage of you

Hold your head high
You took care of it
Nothing to see here
Just a train wreck

Long gone
No longer smouldering
Just a dull throbbing
An eternal sadness
Once Was Askim.

I miss our friendship
I miss you, my friend

Yes, love made US and complicated US and tore US apart
But it’s our friendship I miss the most

I wish, I wish we could have it back
I miss you, my friend

There’s one difference between us.
I never hurt you intentionally.
I wish I could say the same for you.

I should probably just get over it.
It’s been years after all.
You see, it still hurts like yesterday.

Searing pain. As fresh as the day you disappeared.

You’d be proud of me Askim.
I know it didn’t turn out how you wanted.
Work **** well saved me from destruction. From myself.
And I’ve been crushing it.
I may still get crushed, but **** me, I’ll die trying.
What else is there now that you’re gone forever?
There’s just an empty black hole. And a fire that burns me alive.

I wonder what you’re thinking.
I wonder if you think of me often.
I wonder if you’re happy.
I wish for you to be safe.
I hope that you’re happy.
I hope you’re smiling.
I miss you.

Askim

I don’t mean to bother you. I just needed to let out some emotions.
I spent this week in your city, and it weighs on me. Just a few weeks ago, I was back in the city we met. And you were in my deepest thoughts. And it’s been a challenge. I’ve been up and down.

I still see you everywhere.

Walking the streets of your city is one of the more nerve wracking and anxiety producing things I’ve done for a while.

I was having lunch this week with your recently departed colleague, who spoke of you, for what seemed like an eternity. All I could do was just breathe in deeply and exhale slowly… while trying to keep my composure. Oh… and… he was pretty happy to get a break from your boss!

I wore your socks and scarf today. Wearing your scarf has an intensity that I can’t quite describe. 2/3 comforting and 1/3 torture. It’s a rather sadistic experience.

Askim, I’m a little perplexed by your enthusiasm to video chat and send gifts, followed by a rather cold semi-silence. We’re all human and it’s not like I haven’t had my moments too! but that messed me around a little.

It’s cool. You can be whoever you want, but it definitely was an unexpected ride.

I didn’t think I was going to write for a long time yet… but it all just bubbled up inside me tonight, right when I was watching GA, funnily enough.

I miss you, Askim.

I haven’t lost the dream…

Work is pretty ******* right now too actually. There’s about to be a blood bath. I’m pretty sure I’m safe, but it’s about to get ugly.

So yeah, the past month has been splendid and smooth.

Anyway, that’s my update.
Don’t worry, I won’t make this a habit. I just had to let the emotions out tonight.

Take care, Askim **

Oh Askim. Here’s to me missing you from a hotel room on the other side of the world. You should see the city lights. They’re beautiful, but I’d trade them for a log cabin and a big garden with you…

Miss you **

We won’t sink back into darkness. I don’t want that for either of us. I’ve worked so hard to be a better father, husband, human. I won’t jeopardise that and my hard fought sanity. Nor do I want to hurt you ever again.

And you’re a locked up box. I don’t have the key.

You’re not a horrible monster. You just made a decision, at a very difficult time. Decisions have consequences. My heart, soul and sanity were the consequence.
My decisions had consequences too, I acknowledge that, but there’s one difference. It’s all in my lines. I won’t rehash it.

I didn’t write those poems to hurt you. When it all got too much, that’s all I had...

The sea saved me this week. I walked past that little car park where you dropped me off that day and **** near lost the ability to breathe.

I can’t stay here any longer. I fly home today. Dad’s back on his feet for now. I asked him what he’s going to do when his frivolous bipolar spending spree runs out. He calmly replied. Suicide.

I have not-so-little humans who need my energy. He doesn’t deserve any more.

When you read my lines, beneath the pain, I still love you.
I can’t feel the warmth from your heart. Mine is cold. Your well wishes are welcome.

I miss you x

I’d do almost anything for you.
Almost anything.
Almost.
Not that...
I won’t leave my own flesh and blood.
Now I pay the price. We both do.
You’ve never stared into your own soul, young, innocent and wholly dependent on you.
I bet you hate me for it some days...
That makes two of us.
So be it.
Doesn’t make it any easier.

I miss your smile
I miss knowing you love me
I miss your touch too, but I barely remember that now

I miss your mind. Sharp and strong
I miss seeing you smile and your beautiful eyes
Most of all I miss your friendship

We were inseparable
Until that horrible day
You left. You came back. And left again.
Each time tearing my heart open

Now there is a void in my life
A hole in my heart
And a tear in my soul

I miss you, my lover
Most of all I miss you, my friend

I’m unclean, a libertine and every time you vent your spleen I seem to lose the power of speech. You’re slipping slowly from my reach… you grow me like an evergreen, you’ve never seen the lonely me at all. I fall… without you I’m nothing…
- Brian Molko

My love I miss you

I’m struggling to move on

I’m still broken

I wish I could hear your voice
Oh how I dream of you calling me
Just one call...

I do wonder if I’ll ever hear your voice again

You’ve made your mind up to erase me
I don’t have any power.
I’m helpless to your choices

I saw a bunch of Iceland poppies last week
**** near cried on the spot

I just want closure
Anything

Universe? Help me

I miss you so much. I know I’m not supposed to. Im not supposed to verbalise it.
I’m supposed to be on top of the world right now. But I miss you. So much it hurts. Still.
I’m not even supposed to write this.
Maybe I should just delete everything and start again writing where you’ll never find me. That would be best for you, right. Best for me too.
I broke.
I’m broken.
I saw a psychic. A proper one. She saw right through me. She saw you. She knew us. She knew everything about me. Everything. Down to the last detail. Warts and all. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever had. Everything I’ve hidden laid bare.
She said we shared a past life. She knew how intense we were. She knew it all. Scarily so.
I should really let you go.
I’m trying.
I’ve been meditating and working through my energy blockages. It’s brought up so many memories that I’d repressed. Dreams too. Of us.

Just for the record. I don’t expect a reply. I don’t want one.  I don’t write these for you. It’s my therapy.
Maybe I should just disappear again. Delete my account and start a fresh. I think you’d breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t blame you.
**

Why did you ghost me?
Why?
I knew you had to go.
We both knew you had so say goodbye.
Only you didn’t. You disappeared.
No goodbyes. Just silence.
Never in a million years did I expect that from you.

You tried to go quietly, yet you amplified the pain. Like feedback reverberating in my soul that still rings today.
I hear it in the quiet moments. Ringing in my ears. Throbbing in my heart. Darkness in my soul.
Why?

You thought you were doing the right thing but you ******* ripped my soul out.
You should have known. You did know.
My ikizim would not have done that...

I always said you wouldn’t get a third chance to burn me. You ******* won’t.

I’m still mad with you and I haven’t forgiven you.
Just in case you were wondering...
I still love you too. Always will...
And ****** I still think about you daily.
Sometimes good, mostly painful.

Do you remember the good times?
Do you think badly of me?
Do you think of me at all?

I wish I could call you
I wish I could hug you
I wish I could see you smile
I wish I knew when I’ll see you next
I wish I knew if you still think of me at all
I wish I wish I wish I could kiss you

How could I possibly have something with you again?
How could I possibly trust you again?
How could I believe you won’t burn me when it suits you?

How could you possibly trust me?
I’m a ******* right?
I’m a dog.
That’s me.

You did turn your back on me.
You did know you were hurting me.

You ghosted me. I called you... day after day... after ******* day... and you left me to burn.

Call it what you will. But you cut the cord and let me float away into space. Cold. Dark. Empty.  Space.

I nearly didn’t ******* make it back.

Don’t you dare pretend what you did was ok.

I’m still seething. 5 years later. I wish you didn’t leave me this way. I’m a broken human.

All I wanted was a good bye. But no. Self preservation kicked in. And you turned and cut and ran.

Who cares about ikizim when you can only care for yourself.

Ikizim died that day. For both of us. You killed ikizim.

And yes, 5 years later I still feel the knife.

You don’t quite realise how lost I am
Maybe you’re in the same boat...
How could I know?

You broke me
I’m not normal
Not anymore

I’m still so angry
I’m so ******* angry

I feel like you wanted to hurt me

To get your revenge

There’s no other way

****

I broke

Again.

I read your poems tonight until tears were steaming down my cheeks

This is all I have
Words pouring out of me
Black on white on darkness

You’ll never see this
It’s not for you anyway
Since when did you give a ****

This is for me
I have to channel this pain somewhere
Better here than elsewhere.

My Askim

I haven’t written for a while. Been busy flying by the seat of my pants.
Some days I’m killing it. Other days it’s hard to breathe, let alone talk.
I hide it fine, but it takes its toll. I guess.

I think a hug would really fix a lot. But I already failed at that one once.

So this is how it stays? I just live broken?

When I think about you, it feels like a black hole inside my heart.

Will I die broken too?

My dearest Askim,

Consider this a line in the sand on a sunny beach.

I felt the need to leave something positive here for you. That’s why I’m writing today. To break the cycle of hurt and pain. Love shines from today. Even with tears running down my cheeks on the plane.

The past is the past. Today I finally let it go. Let it be what it was. We can’t change it now. I truly hope today helped you too…  

What we can do is be our best. Live our best lives. I won’t rehash everything I said to you today, you heard it. I have nothing but love for you. And I will protect you until the day I die. That is something I will commit to for just a very few people on this earth. But I do so, unreservedly for you. Always.

It still doesn’t mean I won’t miss you every day I’m alive…

The main thing I wanted to say was thank you for giving me the gift of 90 minutes with you. I shall cherish that time more than you know. You set me free today. I can’t thank you enough.

I’m wishing you a big sleep after the disruption I brought to you. I’m wishing you peace and happiness.

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know, that every time I don’t,
I almost do…

Sweet dreams Askim.
Seni seviyorum **

(Found this in my drafts…)

:/ askim

It’s hard isn’t it?

There are emotions bubbling up from the inside of my heart that I’d buried for years

I had a rough week, I’m guessing you did too…

I wanted to write to you every night this week, but I didn’t because it’s already difficult enough without me falling down that slippery *****. So consider this a stop gap. I needed to get some words out to release the pressure in my heart.

I don’t know how you keep it all bundled up inside. But I guess you didn’t let it bubble up to the surface last week, so it’s more manageable.

Do you even miss me?
Do you even think of me?
Do you even give a ****?
I guess I’ll never know...