I haven't been writing lately
and I was curious as to why
turns out I haven't been feeling
a single thing

Numb as numb can be
and I can't decide if I prefer
this nothingness
or if I'd rather still be sad.

and I can't figure out
if I'm happy to be alive
or if I'd rather close my eyes
and  never wake up

You can ask me when I'm dead.

I keep hoping you'll try to reach out
and I know I sound naive
but I can't accept the fact
that you could just abandon me.
How could someone do that,
hurt someone so deeply
leaving them broken-hearted
and walk away like it was easy?
I can't be the only one hurting
you can't just move on with your life
leaving me behind
as if I meant nothing. (Did I?)
I can't be the only one miserable
the only one that can't sleep at night
There's no way you could be happy
There's no way. Right?
How can you walk all over me
and leave me shattered on the floor
there has to be an explanation
there has to be something more
I have to be on your mind
Thoughts of me in your head
because you can't guiltlessly
just leave me for dead. (Can you?)
How can you whisper false promises
then completely break my heart
to promptly act like I don't exist
simply press restart
This can't have been just one big lie
You have to be broken too.
You have to.
Are you?

Some days
I want to open my window
and throw my phone
as far as I can
and never talk to
any of those *******
ever again.



(Not like they'd notice the difference anyway.)

I've been in love with you
for so long
that I've lost track
so why does it surprise you
that I'm going to feel incomplete
until you love me back?

Most people don't know just how crippling loneliness can be
It can creep up so suddenly,
clenching its jaws so tightly,
you can't breathe.
     I can't breathe.
Oh, you think you're free?
You think you can escape so easily?
The darkness, it follows you,
swallows you.
Sure, one might argue
"But you've got great friends,
and a man that loves you..."
While all that is true,
it taunts me,
haunts me,
deep down to the bone.
I'm all alone
     I'm alone.

How does it feel
to wake up each morning
happy to be alive

to have a sense of direction,
a purpose in your life.

How does it feel
to be loved by someone
truly, completely

to not be caged by anxiety,
able to live freely.

Please tell me how it feels
to belong,
to fit in

to feel beautiful
comfortable in your own skin.

How does it feel
to feel
anything
except for sad
and alone

I would love to know.

That crushing realization
That no matter what you do
Or how hard you try
You'll never mean as much to them
As they do to you.

Some people are afraid of flying
out of fear of falling from the sky
but I've been falling for so long
with no end in sight
so you see,
when I'm soaring above the clouds
I dream of the plane falling down
because at least I know
I'll finally hit solid ground

Sometimes when I'm feeling a little too good
I'll think of you
to remind myself I deserve nothing more
than to be broken and alone

And don't you worry
You've planted enough seeds of doubt
to where I'll always be missing you,
and hating myself.

I've polished off my secret stash of pills
I've drank all of the alcohol in the house
Now all I have left
is to actually feel.

****.

I don't miss you anymore*.
I've finally moved on
but it sneaks up on me sometimes
when I hear certain songs
and I get to thinking
of what we were,
all we had,
what we could have been,
all of our plans.
And I can't help but choke back the tears,
as I habitually sing along.
But I don't miss you anymore.
Yeah, I've finally moved on...

Every second that passes where you don't love me back is killing me
and I've been starting at the hands of the clock
just begging that they'll stop

Nobody ever writes how physically painful heart break is
Stomach clenched, lungs gasping for air
Chest caving in

They write that "love is patient, love is kind"
Then how come I'm in love
and feel like I want to die?

I'm constantly telling myself I'm over it
but I'm starting to think that's untrue
because thoughts of you creep in
no matter what I do
I try to drown them out
but every word of every song
brings me back to you
and against my will I catch myself
gladly singing along.
When the thoughts of you persist
I'll pick up a new book
but somehow find your name
in every word, sentence and phrase
Yet I keep reading
keep turning the page.
I try to shut you out and shut my eyes
yet you find your way in every dream
and instead of waking up
I eagerly go back to sleep.

The idea of death doesn't scare me
The idea of my death hurting those I love does
and if I'm being honest that doesn't seem like enough
and if I'm being honest, how could it ever be?

When depression is your best friend you tend to listen to its every word
It becomes your closest confidante, the single one thing to rely on.
On days my depression leaves me, I feel lost.
but I'm comforted in the fact that it's only momentarily
because unlike others, depression will always come back.
We've built up a trust like that.

So when my depression whispers in my ear
that everyone will be fine without me, eventually
I have no choice but to listen
you see, why would depression lie to me?

When it comes to the idea of life and taking my own
and in enters the cacophony of voices saying
"think of those that love you"
What they don't realize is, I do.
Depression loves me the most.

and I know, in the end
it will open up its arms
swallow me whole
and say to me,

welcome home.

Each morning I practice my smile in the mirror
above the bathroom sink
Does this look real enough,
is my happiness convincing?
And this hollow, vacant shell
where a human should be
does it look alive?
like a normal functioning body?
And when you look into my eyes
"the windows of the soul"
do they sparkle, shine brightly?
can you tell that they are empty?

I've talked to the doctors
I'm taking the pills
Medication, meditation
but it all seems to fail

I'm shackled down
by the weight of my misery
and what other steps
can I take to be free
except to find
the tallest building

and leap.

I'm not sure who I am
or where I'm going
what choices to make
which direction to go
just floating in space.
always alone.
when I do open up
about how I feel inside
"I'm always here for you"
yet they're nowhere in sight
no one checks in
to see how I am
temporary caring
permanent hurting
I feel unwell
fragile, broken
where do I turn
who do I tell
how do I
get help?

and do I even want it?

Constantly awaiting for my brain to stop being my worst enemy
Always at war against the thoughts that try defeating me
And when my mental illness rears its head it's so disheartening
Because I've been trying so hard to let go of that part of me
However 15 years of struggling doesn't go away that easily
Trying to find meaningful connections is impossible without purposely ruining things
When the consistent mantra my brain keeps telling me
That when it comes to love, you will never be worthy

My brain can't form coherent thoughts
my head is a jumbled mess
I can't sleep. I can't think.
I'm not as fine as I said I'd be.
Turns out I'm not so strong
I'm fragile. Incredibly weak.
My mind constantly betrays me
even with my eyes shut.
I'm not okay.
You ****** me up.