I’m holding a shovel
But it’s not me, I yell
It’s the cloud above me
Filled with anger
Sadness
Regret
Fear
And insecurity.
The cloud is growing
Consuming my light
Digging me deeper
Into a hole of darkness I must fight
I thought I was through this
I thought I was clear
But it’s back
Looming above, right here
Stealing my energy
Filling me with doom
I can feel the tension
When I walk in a room
Others can feel this
Heavy load of gloom
I want to be free
I want to feel love
But how do I break through
This dark cloud above.

I feel that my soul has left my body.
I am empty.
Lost.
Unaware.
Aloof.
I feel a soft ache where my heart once beat.
A pressure where my brain used to sit.
I am empty.
A shell without a body.
Without a soul.
Now I wait,
For my body to find its way back.
Hopefully bringing my rejuvenated soul back too.
For now I wait,
Vulnerable,
Empty,
Lost.

Sometimes Darkness whispers to me.
It tells me it is a place of comfort,
A place of escape.
No one can find you here, it insists,
You are alone, finally,
Just what you wanted,
Screamed for,
Cried for,
Alone, with me, it looks up
With a smirk
Don’t be scared,
I don’t judge,
Stay for as long as you wish.
When I leave, it whispers to me,
Come back, I miss you,
Escape the chaos,
Be with us...

Sometimes Darkness yells at me.
It questions who I am,
Why I am here,
I don’t belong...
I’m too intense...
I’m not good enough...
What I want is impossible...
It yells at me, until I yell back.

Sometimes Darkness stares at me,
When my eyes are shut,
I see it’s gaze,
It’s lure,
It’s disapproval and longing for my return.
It stares... and glares... until I open my eyes,
And find the light again.

The panic is building inside,
Making it feel like a rollercoaster ride.
I thought that I was happy,
But now unlocked feelings have set free,
Leaving me with inner conflict,
Unsure which direction to pick.
My stomach tightens at thought of action,
While my former strength loses traction,
One moment I want to flee,
The next moment I am proud to be.
What am I running from this time?
Would playing hookie be such a crime?
If it meant discovering this truth,
And abandoning this depressing sleuth.
I want to shake off this darkness,
Before I am left feeling sparkless.
I want to break down these walls,
Before another part of me falls,
Leaving me a shell of myself,
Hungry for knowledge and lacking wealth.
I must invite the light in,
So that this darkness will spin.
I still feel the rumble of panic,
Leaving my thoughts helpless and frantic,
Encouraging motivation to flee,
So I can be alone, and free.

Don’t tell me to smile.
Don’t tell me it will be alright.
Don’t tell me to move on.
Don’t tell me to cheer up.

I am hurting, and I am allowed to.

That is how I ‘move on’.

By feeling,
By being,
By accepting the pain as my own.

This is how I grow.
This is how I grieve.
Let me be.
And don’t tell me to smile.

This word of wander,
Not as easy to do
As it may be to ponder

One life full of dreams
Another filled with distraction,
Makes it hard to choose teams,
Without choosing destruction

Go where the money is?
And risk losing myself?
Or go with my heart,
My passion,
My desire,
And ask, ‘What if?’

But ‘What if?’ I will ask regardless...

Either path will leave me with wonders-
But which to follow?
If I go with one,
I may become hollow...
If I go with the other,
My bank account may be swallowed...

Can one do both?
Or does authenticity risk fading?

Distraction... Destruction...

Focus. Decide.

To try is to decide.
To know is to have done.
To love is to know.

Do I know what I love?
Do I know what I want?

Try. Decide. Focus.

It hurts to know that what once was, will never be again.
It hurts to think of how it could still be.
But what was said was said, and cannot be undone.
We said always and forever, but now it is not.
We said nothing could stand between us, and now look at the wall we’ve built.
Too stubborn to admit either was wrong, too proud to accept responsibility of the destruction.
Too painful to think about, too painful to let go.
Now we live on, without each other, always wondering what could have been...