painkillers for the body
and painkillers for the soul
I've wasted them all.
I fell into the darkness for which
I thought there was no cure.

Desperate, in denial,
laying on a dying bed
was waiting and waiting in silence
to be brought back from the dead.

And then your memory came again
a pale moon in the black sky
I found deep down in the darkness
a reason to get up.

I was lost in the night
until you taught me how to love the sun
cause you are but a shadow on my heart
and shadows can't exist without light

in my dreams i see you sometimes
i am next to you and your eyes
are not sad
they just smile the way i saw them smiling
only a few times

when i look in the mirror
i hear your voice saying there was beauty in my
smile and in my big blue eyes
i was a little girl then
and many years have gone
and you have gone with them
but
i still remember your hugs
though it feels like decades since i was last in your arms
and your voice still echoes in my brain
i remember the last time we spoke you told me
to not cry,
to be strong
and i am trying to be.
i am.

i pretend that i am.

i see you in my dreams sometimes
and i am again a 6 years old little girl
running to you
when you open the front door
and waking up realising
i will see your face no more
it's the most painful story
and i cry sometimes
but you are not here
to open any door
and i am not 6 years old any more
and there's no beauty
in  my big blue crying eyes.

you left and took away your voice,
your dancing,
your bright face
your warm arms
and your kind eyes,
i am left only with a picture
i keep inside a box
behind the front door of my heart
and i want to go back,
to be your little girl again
and i know i'll never get to tell you
that I don't want to pretend any more
and I want you to tell me
that it's okay if i am not always strong
that it's okay to cry.

in many lines i have tried to write you
but i always do it the wrong way
and it seems impossible to describe
how much i miss you
and i need you
and
how much
i love you.

The worst part,
of being replaced,
is when you realize,
that you never were
the first choice.
When you realize,
that you were just
a title.
You never really were
his first choice.
He just used you,
to make his true
first choice
jealous.

I thought we were soulmates,
you were my soulmate.
We talked about everything.
I thought it were our thing,
but it wasn't,
I was nothing to you.
Because all those things we talked about,
were those things you talked with her about too...

You said you loved me,
but did you?
Or did you just use me?
You spent so much time with me,
but for what?
Just to break my sad and little heart?
Or was it all for nothing?

Love. What is love? How is it to be in love?
I'll tell you.

Love is great. You're happy - constantly.
Rainbow colored butterflies,
flying around in your belly.
All you can think about is him,
which constantly makes you happy.

Every day you'll walk in the hallway,
with the biggest smile on your face.
Everyone will notice how happy you are.
You're happiness will affect them too,
or most your closest friends,
because they know why you're that happy.

But all of a sudden, it can turn all the way around.
He can make you miserable.
Every time you see him,
these butterflies fly around in your belly,
but they're not rainbow colored anymore,
they're all dark and twisted.

You'll lie all alone in your bed - crying.
Because he's the worst person in the world.
He made you believe,
that you two had a chance.
A chance to see all of the light together.
But his only purpose was to make you
miserable.