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Curious I know
But damaged as most
Sterile and wicked and panicked I know
To heartlessly speak and poke at the nose
Carry your weight and soul afloat
On the rivers of worries that stear your boat
The past is the past
And future no joke
But curiouser and curiouser
And couriouser you grow
7 eight 9
And I was next in line
The next time
You see those lines
Crease on the shell of my mind
And you find
That I've shut the blinds of my eyes
Understand that one trait of my kind
Is that we get eaten up all the time
Being young in an industry of old folks with even older ideas of what you are and should be.....Sigh
It was December and it was hot
And my skin got burned on top
Sticky wet feet
Ocean deep
I saw forever
Even if it was just a glimpse in twinkly waves a shore
I begged the sea to show me more
But the waves just retreated like they did before
And with my twelve year old mind, I lingered on the glimpse I saw
I held that glimpse, tiny, glossy, and vast
And surrendered my days to thoughts of future past
That image, so pure, that to it all new memories lost caste
I closed my eyes and allowed the present to dissolve

The years came soon after that moment it the sun
And with each new day my search begun
While scratching through hours to find the glimpse I gazed upon
It began to dawn on me that that moment was gone
Though as an adult, I still held on to the dream
That the sea would spit out at me
A moment in which I could believe
Truth took root, as dull and unforgiving as it is
That that moment was simply meant for a kid

So I packed my bags on that glimpse that I saw
And began living each day as blind as before
With no touch point in the future for me to search for
I threw that glimpse back to the shore
Let the spiders eat me away
i'm not finding life any less constricting that the webs they lay
Life is too short anyway
whats the point in adding more hope to the already bent tray
I won't find joy in pretending to be okay
I won't find myself counted with the pretenders who pray
that one day they'll wake up and be what they say
Instead i'll thread the waters of life's turbulent bay
with the thought that everything will end at the end of the day
i'm more that happy to live and die this way
I used to drink alone,
But empty bottles emptied out the spaces between me, myself and I
Us three opinionated things accusing one another of being the godhead of our body
Talking until dawn about how ****** the beer tastes and hollow the bottles have gotten
After the sun sets
When we've shared all this laughter
When the light has long left
My dear I'm just cancer
But you'll hear me echo for days after
When the wreckage comes and we plagued with disaster
Maybe the laughter will linger a bit longer
Summer's nice
With the air outside
But the breath in me
Is potentially
The warmest thing
That could even be
Heavenly sweat and green
And helps me know that I'm still living
I tried to find reasons to hate you but I couldn't
So I turned my face to the things that I shouldn't
And saw the things that I normally wouldn't
21 people looked up to the sky in unison
As millions pulled their feet off the ground
the world will keep on spinning
Gravity will keep us perfectly still
21 people
42 eyes
captured the clouds on Polaroid paper
stuck up on walls that hold up roofs
We'll keep on trying to let it go
these thoughts of how we are still here
questions of our importance
we are just that
our purpose is to be in the pursuit
of purpose
When you don't understand my pain
you don't understand my pride
My heart beats all the same
Whether you're far or near my side
We've been here before
And its never been "amazing"
A word reserved for new beginnings
Not the same old same things
So familiar and worn
That its browning and aging
As if left out on the lawn
Because its not worth saving

To afford "amazing" would be amazing
But amazing is not a necessity
Other needs are more pressing
So it fades from our vocabulary
To make room for whats usable
Like things that aren't accessories
And like the boxes in the garage
It fades from our memories
Everything I ever felt was real human emotion
I want some of that plastic stuff I see in movies
While I'm running my fingers through your hair
Trying to figure out of she's been there
She's laced in your shadow
Caught in your stare
And I just feel like the third one here
My poetry is ice cold
And offer me no sympathy
Lines have no comfort between them
On top or underneath them
If words could conceal my hearts disease
Then paper would be rough and bumpy and creased
Forgive me those who put their souls on sheets
Forget what I've written like flaky Autumn leaves
That become nothing after they brown and fall from trees
Gather up my words and spread them in the wind
But, I fear that my sonnets mean nothing to the ears in which they're caught
Like paper doves, they sink in water
Mine, though they rhyme, holds no less passion than torture
For those who feel different, don't let this thought bore you
For feelings that linger will soon pass
Trains that stop, will again move fast
And like these things that never lasts
That is poetry to me, so this is my last
#Goodday #and # Goodnight
How is it that I impose my emotions onto another?
Without having it leak through the pores of my fingertips
Through thought I experience myself
But My thoughts barely breach the threshold of the conversation I keep
Though I investigate the lives of others by digging my nails deeply into them
My heart never seems to follow the swaying of their rhythm
So I gather up the parts of me I allowed to explore and make myself up to be a solitary figure
Who only grazes the surface of the world
And I dance within myself
Careful to bump shoulders kindly
To avoid exposing myself as someone who is living apart from the rest of them
If destiny is destiny and belongs to this life
Then tell me will any on my choices suffice?
Or be laid out before the universe to sun dry
Because dear old destiny decided so before I was even alive
For it was my choice to ask this question, but its not my choice to inevitably die
So is there a point to my decisions, or  is it destiny that is the lie?
What are my arms?
But floppy dead things that hang at the sides of my body
And beat against my chest when i run?
Do they fold and bend and caress the compartments of my mind?
And build shelters for my hopes and dreams the live behind my eyelids?
What use are they to the dead man they lay on the side of the road,
But to hold up the ***** crushed cup that he uses to beg for a days meal?
Can they save him?
Or just point to show that my heart notices his cry for help
Or hope
Or just a few cents
Are they just the blankets that I wrap around myself when I shiver of shake and questions?
Or answers
Or just the sharpened coldness that bite at my legs?
What are my arms?
Show me how to use them
All you folks who have achieved
And bled
and blistered of a hard day's work
Make them your students
Even just to teach them that they can lift up and be pillars for my hands
So i threw it back up on them
All the expectations, accusations, imaginations, insinuations, detestations, frustrations that they forced down my neck
When I finally opened my mouth
I painted them with it
Simple pleasures
The simpler the better
Simple like your bare arms
They're strong and look it
I longed for purity
And you held me up with them
I could get cavities from this love
No added preservatives
Just
Soft
Fattening
Slow
Lovely
Love

Its all we need
I feel empty
Parts of me are drifting in the ocean
I can't swim
And get sea sick too easily
I just sit on this rock
in the middle of the ocean
Watching myself float into the deep blue
Taking off my hat and waving them off
Hoping that they return with more life than I could've given them
I hung onto your face until it solidified and tied itself to my anckles
And as I was being pulled down to the ocean floor
I realized that it was an anchor not a life jacket
So you know who you are
It doesn't mean you have your **** together
Just because you carry an umbrella doesnt mean you know the weather
You're not the designer just because you bought the sweater
Smothering an animal doesn't automatically make it leather
Besides, there are other things that die under pressure
So whatever
Just because you read a book once doesn't make you the author
You're not a sail boat just because you can float in water
Not fitting in doesn't mean you're from mars
Just like e-cigarette smoke doesn't turn it into cigars
Having a map doesn't mean you know where you are
They said you're bright
You're not a star
You don't have your **** together
You just know who you are
You're still doing better than I am my friend
And we were both there
Noticing each other
Affecting each other the way the waves carve patterns in the sand on the shore
Knowing but not knowing
Both wanting to be sure before we dipped our toes in
Being brave
We didnt meet
We fitted
I didn't die
I just surrendered
And of course, the wilting began soon afterwards
It took hours to stop the bleeding
And years after
The wound was still healing
This is a short poem about the lasting impact of bullying and how it breaths lofe to many insecurities that lingers on years after the battering has stopped.
Hearts break as easily as little doll legs
How reckless of us to carry such a fragile belonging in our chests
And tie to it many heavy feelings
That often pull it down and stretch it to the ceiling
I wonder how it feels
To carry a cracked thing inside of your rib cage
And stuff it down behind each smile
Along with many packs of overused band aids  
How embarrassing it must be
To have to patch it up in public
Whenever the **** thing has a puncture
And leaks out over everything

How grateful I am for my untouched heart
That beats soundly in my chest without any harm
But those who lay in piles on the floor
With broken valves and countless tares
Look back up at me shaking their heads
For their hearts have felt
But mine beating but dead
Subtle gestures
Sent waves through the air
And brought forth a new education of what silence could do
You stood still
And let your shadow dance around you
**** me dry
But theres nothing in my blood
No sustenance from my love
You can have your hugs
If you crave a warmth less
Take this empty stuff
**** me dry until you've had enough
Because I don't love you
And see things above you
And want you to touch you
But forget to hug you
There's no stars in your eyes
When I see them through mine
Nor shivers down my spine
Except on the coldest nights
Because I don't love you
And I know that I won't
I won't leave you a letter, or message, or note
And think nothing of the feelings that that would evoke
Because I don't love you
I just simply won't
Because I don't love you
Or think that I would
I don't love your laugher
Or things that I should
I forget it after
With the little things you do
But because I don't love you
Theres no hate for you too
I just like you
And call that the truth
I wish everyone knew how sweet it is to be loved by you
To explore the ***** down your back and the comfort of your chest
To see you smile from the bed of your pillow as the sunrays grace your cheek
And to graze the tip of your nose with theirs until lips touch and everything else becomes secondary characters it the moment built for you embrace
He's dressed for snow
Under his winter coat
hangs a heavy heart dangled from weighed down shoulders
upon his brow is a fist full of thoughts
Brought about by a misunderstanding of other people's lives
Or misunderstanding of his own
He couldn't be sure
All he knows is that its cold
And he has to get to work
A call from you bring my thoughts to succession
A sweet arrangement of my childhood recollections
The riddled anxiety that still today is omnipresent
And funnels through adulthood like bumper cars at an intersection
Or is it that your remnants clings to my insides like an infection?
That burning sensation that to me still feels like blessings
It bubbles in my ears beating my eardrums to shreds every second
There's no question
I have a penchant
For the mere mention of us again
I looked at you as if you were bottled love


Because a bottle's worth is all that you were offering me
Let us drink until we fall over
Leaning over each others shoulders
Stumbling in and out of our loafers
Forgetting which corner leads to home
Let us laugh and cry like babies or mad men
Play the fool with reckless abandon
Slur our words so that no one understands them
Until all our ****** pigeons have flown
Let us pour a single then a double
Sending droplets over our stubble
In the morning there's be trouble
But tonight we'll take the thrown
I moped around for hours
Dragging my feet and friends behind me
Turning my heart into slop
Clogging up every vein inside me
Why is everything so painful
I don't ever wanna hateful
But I guess that I should be grateful
That I'm feeling anything at all
This hole that I'm in just gets deeper
And I know that I shouldn't linger
But this **** from the past
Build a home in my heart
And I know that it's all my fault...
But just why...
He doesn't care
Which parts of me
He rips to shreds
I've never been a part of him
So he has no fear
Of ever pulling himself apart
To love without being love is like throwing your love against a brick wall that is slowly tumbling down back onto you
Today was a hard day
And life is a hard life
But didn't decide to be here
And I can't decide to get out
Because I was created
I'm sure for a purpose
I can feel my heart beat
I cam feel my existence
So if I was created
To do some sort of thing
Then am I like a product
Or someone's existing thing
Surely I belong to someone
Some awesome creative being
Because if I'm a creation
Does that mean I belong to him?
Can I take ownership over all that is happening
In and around and beside and above me
If I have questions
Will He answer me
If I was created
Can I be free?
Is it so wrong to just want someone
Without paying the consequences?
Without getting the check or the questions
Be gone in the morning without a lecture
Over is so boring let me be honest
I could get both for the price of one
I'm not modest
I fall I fall
On surfaces that
Are ***** and damp and clammy and flat
I fall and land, but curtsey and stand
And while the crowds, they clap
My dress, it hangs
Over feet that cracked
I am I am
A tiny glass house
And my heart it beats under a tightly wound blouse
That accentuates my chest and shows off the rest
But carves my bones and burns my flesh
I wish I wish
Upon a star
That looks down on us
And giggles from afar
That crowds, and their parties and mirrors and reflections
Could stop biting my heels and offering objections
But since the world is just but a boat
That everyone rows to stay afloat
And since this sea ask only for performance
I'll put on my dress and dance for my audience
And as they clap as I fall but stand
I'll whisper to myself a tiny demand
That the next performance won't be so long
And the dance and prance won't finish the song
That when I jump my glass feet will shatter
And I'll disappear from space and matter
A river flows against a part of me
And washes away the heart of me
oh that a drift
could be so swift
That it rinsed
out the bits
and pieces that were burnt
the symptom of waking up is being awake
the morning bleaches your midnight self away
spiteful sun rays pull at you sweater
and chant around to with snotty cheeks
its reckless endangerment  to put on a party hat  
and leave a perfectly naked evening smothered in bliss
hello mornings are spat out through tight teeth
and throw themselves against the window
dripping down the window sill
what an eff'n mess you have to clean up
Cold Water
turns my skin blue
And feeds me a hard portion of life's true gifts
filters and funnels all the cushy grains out of my coffee
and leaves a bitter after taste
it might have lasted days if I didn't inject myself back into the streams of society
I flowed further and further each time
exploring each twirling tributary
all that leads back to this humble kitchen table
where my coffee gets served
along with a tasty bowl
of Cold Water
i'm sore
i'm sore because of people
who stand too close
and melt over me trying to seep into my skin
they cover me like shrink wrap
greasy and contact adhesive
they leave no inter-cellular air spaces for my pores to release energy
i implode, i implode
and whisper against the plastic
you're too close
person
you're too close
In the corner is safe
Safe from the four walls that stare me don't
I'll bury myself in this right-angled paradise
Where there is only room for me
not all poems are deep
some are tiny khoi ponds
of bubbles that pop on our brains
and leak out of our ears
and drip blotchy squiggles on our pages
brain drops
as brains are used to float away
not just to think
What are you doing... asks a concerned on looker

Why are you fighting away the leaves that willingly fly your way?
Why are you kicking away the paths that bite at your heels?
Why are you scratching out the eyes of the one who sees through your thick skin?
Why are you waking yourself up when your dreams make your mind seem like more than just a
whirlwind of thoughts?

I'm protecting my heart...I answered, I'm protecting my heart
I drank away my wealth
And I'm a bit drunk now
Sitting on the back of the bus
Reclining in my seat
Remembering a time when I wasn't in this deep
When my regrets had a resolution that was never this steep
**** I get nervous remembering those things
For past is a wormhole that swallows me whole
And leads me down a path that always leads me back home
A place I knew once when I wasn't so grown
And a front door welcomed a man a lot less old
But I've long grown too fond of struggling alone
With the coins in my pocket already half way gone
The youth I once knew wasted in the wind
Just sitting on the back seat of a bus
Sunken into the creases in my skin
I wish I was a burning ball of gas ripping through the air,
so that you could look at me while I was up there,
and not be aware,
and not even care,
that you're the reason I left my body,
and shed my skin and other parts of it,
to become something so bare and rare and perfect and orange,
that you forgot to breathe when you came across it,
and you'd stand there with your chin up,
lip parted at the sky above,
wondering how God could've created with love,
but never explained its beauty to no one,
and I'd rip and twirl and burst and whirl,
before your eyes like shimmering pearl,
and you'd never know that I was just a girl,
who left herself to brighten your world.
It a **** awful night to love you the way I do
With a heat that burns my heart and bakes straight through
My chest and sheets and mattress too
But when the morning finally comes
You would have never knew
****
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