Is there something wrong with me?
Cause I can't seem to keep anyone or anything
Is it the way I walk or the way I talk or how I wish I could change the world?
Is it silly of me to dream?
I try to make everyone happy
But what about me?
Is it too much to ask
Too much of a chore
To stick around unlike everyone before
Is it the way I dress?
I need to impress
Or am I clearly drenched in loneliness?
And I'm craving something like this
Do i feel too much?
Tell me do I feel too much
Are you suffocating under my love?
I can't help it darling, I can't help it with you
They abused me and accused me and left me all alone
Now I wish for someone to stay

And then you told me
What i hoped you wouldn't tell me
I know the exact words weren't a goodbye
But it left a sour aftertaste in my mouth
I see a future with you in it
And you see a future without me
Trust me i know
I've been with enough people to know
I love you so much
I wish i could tell you how much this breaks my heart
I love you
Please stay

My mom asked me what I wanted to be
'I want to be one of the stars' I answered
'You want to be above everyone else?' she asked
'I want to be gone and I want to turn into dust' I told her
Silence followed

It's killing me

And they're all laughing
I'm there too, trying my best to keep my smile on point
it hurts so bad to be in in this room
I adore all of them, but I feel alone
I feel so isolated from the rest of the group, even tho I am the one making jokes
being social does't make me feel any better though
I love all these people
I've known them for years
But it hurts to be here

I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm not sure
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm in pain
I'm done.

Anhedonia takes me under her wings,
With the softness of a feather she strikes against my forehead and takes out all the joy.
She smiles at me with crooked teeth and tells me it's alright to die.
Anhedonia forces her hands into my chest and rips my heart out so I can't feel the rhythm of my passion anymore
Then she puts me on her lap and starts to rock me back and forth, like I'm a little child. She tells me it's okay to feel the emptiness. She leans in and kisses me on the lips, ******* out the last bit of energy in my vessels and soul. She picks me up and gently lays my body down. She pushes her thin fingers on my eyelids to shut them as if she wants me to sleep. Yet she whispers nightmares in my head. Anhedonia took control of me, and I can't find a way out.

I'm fat, I'm ugly and I ruin things
my battle with anorexia and boulimia is taking over my life again
and I'm so tired
Im so scared of eating and I don't even have a reason why it is that way
it just is
I don't even have the energy to get up anymore.
I have to get up
I saw a butterfly after my therapy session today and it made me smile
I like the little things like that
it's the little things that count in a day full off fights and battles
I purged again today
I panicked so badly and I was so tired
I ****** it up big time
I'm letting everyone down
I make people hate me and I feel so ******* isolated
and all of this because I'm too scared to eat
I'm ****** up
I need to get rid of myself before I ruin somebody else's life

God she is so thin  
Embraced her darkest sin
She's fading in perfection
And losing her perseption

God she is just skin
Tried to fight the demons from within
But eventually let them win
She's fading into darkness
Can't remember where her heart is

Anxiety
It's there when I eat
And it's right next to me when I fall asleep
It's there when I'm walking
And it's leaning over my shoulders when I cry
I've learnt to live this way
The crippling fear of being alive has consumed me
It's always there
It graps me, pulls me in, leans over for a kiss, but puts a knife right through my back
I can still taste the fear on my lips as I go down on my knees
I never went this low to the ground
I feel dizzy as I try to pull myself up
But it keeps on pushing me back
I will never get up
Anxiety

oh bitterness where did you come from
with a sip of my wine I can taste you
moving down my throat
leaving red stains on my skin
where did you come from
leaving soggy thoughts in my head
I can taste you when I kiss
I can feel you when I cut
oh bitterness you are the fear in my bones
holding me hostage in my own body
I can feel you lingering around me
I can see you in the corner of my eyes
I can find you where I used too find words, in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue
oh bitterness you are prettier than I remember
you are like a dangerous lover
and I take you like an addict

I'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burden

I need to die

CAER
It's too much to handle
CAER
I can't do it anymore
CAER
I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces left of me after almost ending my life, but there's so much pain
CAER
I can't keep up with the life around me
CAER
it feels like a cage
CAER
like I'm drowning
CAER
I can't breathe, can't make a sound
CAER
being at home isn't safe anymore
CAER
I'm getting worse and I don't know how to tell people around me
CAER
I just wish I could disappear, never existing in this life
CAER
I am tired and not the typical 'I need to go to bed' tired
CAER
I need to sleep forever to feel satisfied at this point
CAER

I like to dance with candles
Stealing their warmth with pleasure and joy

eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it

I’m so torn
don’t know what I want
I want the love
But I don’t want the hurt
I want to fall
But I fear no one will catch me
And I’ll fall to the ground
As the person who promised to catch me
Watches and smiles
What if  they give me their heart
And I can’t give them mine ?
Maybe I should lock it away with a key
And only take it out when someone
Finally wants to love me

I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast
I fished for concrete
And happiness filled me when the rough stone hit my bones
I laughed like I had fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
Almost , almost but not really
I'm happy I found the concrete under my face, life popped the gun and I ran the race
Now I'm tired and done trying
I can see how small every single one of us is
How do we have the audacity to call ourselves big?
Is this the world we wanna text in?
Right cause thats all we do
I'm glad that I found the concrete
I'm glad I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast

Depression is always gonna be there
Its always gonna be in my head
I can take pills for that, but it’s always gonna be there
Thats why I hate it so much
It’s so ******* unpredictable
Like I can be completely fine now
And wake up the next day
Or something will trigger me in the next seconds
And I will completely freak out
I will lie in my bed and cry
Depression is what it looks like in the movies
at-least for me
It’s closed curtains, being in bed all day
Not wanting to go out
It’s just so frustrating
When you can’t give a **** about yourself anymore
Nothing ******* matters anymore
And it just *****
Because you do care about things, you want to care about things
But you’re just stuck in between caring and being too tired to give a ****
I ******* hate depression
I would **** it if it was a person
Why is it even here?
It’s just horrible
It’s always gonna be here and it’s never gonna go away
Things are just ****
I have had to cancel a lot of things because I was too depressed to go out
You just don’t want to see yourself living another day
When my depression is really bad, like now, I can’t see myself living next month
I can’t see myself in a weeks time
I can’t even see myself tomorrow morning
That’s when my suicidal plans and thoughts kick in
Because I can’t freaking see myself living for another second
If I don’t love myself then nobody will
And that’s the sad truth about it

I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.

I wish I could dissolve in water like salt can do
I wish I could part my molecules into such tiny pieces that you wouldn't be able to recognize them as me
I spent all my life hating myself, wondering why people ever put me here in the first place
I am self destructive
I am all kinds of wrong
I don't want to hurt the people close to me, so I put my guard up and don't let anyone come near me.
It's the only way I see things work
I wish I could dissolve like parfume does in air
Leaving a sweet smell behind that you'll remember for a while, but not
forever
I wish I was here for a moment, for only a splitsecond. You wouldn't be able to see me as a person, but as the substance that I want to be. I wish I was ashes and free to flow wherever I please. Just to feel free in my own skin for once

I haven't eaten in three days
I feel lightheaded but good
It's a type of high I can't explain
It makes me feel in control
But if I keep doing this they'll have to forcefeed me
They'll put a tube in my nose and feed me like I'm ill
But I'm not, I don't have a disease
I'm no patient, I'm Anne
I'm me.
I like going on walks, enjoy the sun and cloudy days. I love the smell of rain and the sound of thunder and I like being rebellious. Love poetry and books. I am Anne, not a patient.
But I haven't eaten for a while
And I start to feel less like myself

Ik heb een onrust in me die moeilijk te plaatsen is
Nog in mijn hoofd, nog in een hokje
Het is niet de goede soort onrust waar je bezig van raakt
Het is de onrust van drie dagen niet snijden, vijf dagen normaal eten en vijf dagen niets in de buurt hebben om mezelf mee te beschadigen
Ik kan niet stil zitten, heb continu de drang om iets de doen
Mijn armen tintelen en schreeuwen bijna om bloed
Ik loop vaak te ijsberen, loop het mooie voorbij
En ja ik geniet, maar het is zo'n chaos in mijn kop
Ik ben op en ik kan niet verder meer, maar met deze drang blijf ik lopen
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat ik de scherpe pijn van een mes tegen mijn huid mis
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat de aansteker, lucifer en sigaret vriendelijk en verzachtend van aard zijn
Daar komt mijn zieke kant naar boven
In deze paar dagen is mijn zieke kant vaker aan de oppervlakte verschenen dan de echte Anne
Ik weet niet *** ik dit stop zonder bloed en zonder pijn
Ik weet niet *** ik leven moet
En nu?

Everything is fine I tell myself
Everything is fine
I take the blade and put it against my skin
I don't even want to do it anymore
Everyone will be disappointed
Everything is fine
Everything is fine
I tell myself as blood seeps out of my fresh cuts
Everything is ******* fine
I can't find my breath
I can't breathe
Everything is fine
I push harder and the blade hides itself in my skin
I stop and look at the damage I have  done
Warm red and cold water blend in as I'm leaning over the lake
Everything is fine

I fear that you'll soon reveal
That you never loved me at all
That one day your smell isn't on my pillowcase
I fear that you'll leave me
And it haunts me every night
I love you very much
More than I ever dare to tell
But I fear that you'll soon reveal
That you never loved me at all

I will show my teeth in full ornate
Trying to scare you away with this ****** mess of mine
The pile of bones I'm sitting on, my throne, is collapsing
All that's left is water to drown in
I'm not proud of the decision I made to scare you away
But I love you
And you'll break with me if I don't leave you behind
I'll see you in another life
And miss your lips before that time

And as I'm watching the flower petals hit the ground
I realize life is short enough to fall
I can gasp for the air once left in my lung
but finding it back is harder than I thought

Can you show me how to live
Because I tried but failed many times
My bones still fractured and skin still punctured
I can't seem to find the right stitches to get it back together
So I stay in bed and rest
In that comfort I find a hole
It's as big as a nikkel but it gets bigger over time
Now I can't help but wonder when it's big enough to fall
I can feel it lurking under my back
I find the strength to look around me
My thoughts are on my nightstand like a succulent plant
It's not necessarily a plant to feed, but I keep forgetting I already gave them what they needed
Now they are drowning in their flowerpot
I can see them dripping away as the time goes by
I can feel myself disappearing

I took them like tic tacs

I let my body be the gun
Shooting myself with silver bullets
Pulling the trigger with pleasure and joy
I find myself on the ground with thoughts keeping me down
and silence leaking out of me
I smell blood and metal
It slips away like time and day 
All what's left is biterness
And for a splitsecond I felt the pain
That one thing I was seeking for
Now I lay here still and dead
The numbness took the best of me

The truth is, I hate you
I hate you a lot
Because I love you the most
Every whole feeling is a threat to me
You have power without even knowing
The truth is, mom, that I despise you
I despise you a lot
Because I respect you the most
But every whole feeling is a threat to me
You are the strongest without even knowing, mom.

Her parents are drowning in heroine
While she is taking the Ritalin
To calm her mind from all the stress
Because her parents made a mess
So she takes the pills one by one
Until the bottle is completely gone
And closes her eyes one last time
And looks at it as her parents crime
Now she is in a different place
Somewhere between time and space
Her parents are drowning in sadness and hate
While she is walking to heaven's gate

'You're not good enough!' he said while he placed his hands around my neck
'you'll never be!'
I cried, he lied, I almost died that day
Full of bruises I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I fell off my bike the day before that
They believed it, they still think that's the truth
'You *****, never talk to another boy again or I'll **** you! ' he said while he slapped his hand against my cheek
I reacted mild, he got wild, I still was a child that day
Full of red marks I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I got in a playful fight with a friend
They believed it, they still think it's the truth
And this went on for a few months
I finally found the strength to get out
But it haunts me every day

There's so much pain
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe
It's like my body is giving up
That's it
I've had enough
I can't put up this fight and facade any longer
I'm so tired
I'm so tired of all the pain and the heartbreak
All these people are so lost and I can't help them
I'm useless
I need to help them
But I'm so tired
I'm done
I can't do it any longer
I can't live with all this pain
I just need the pain to be gone
I just need to be gone

I need something
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My own life
I need something
To heal me
I am tired
Of helping
My own mind
I need someone
To take my hand
And tell me it's okay
To close my eyes for a bit
I need someone
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My
Own
Life

How did you peel open your eyes
After every blink?
How did you open your lips
After every word they screamed at you?
Why didn't you fight back with every tear they made you lose?
How did you not see the little dots of light in the evening sky hoping to be saved?
I know you wanted to be one of them
You wanted savior, but didn't let people close enough
That's the difference between you and the stars
They pull me close with a telescope, you push me away with all the power found in your fragile bones.
But then again, how did you become one of them?
How did you become one of the stars?

I want to tear my skin apart
I want to rip the pieces of my body off my soul and create something beautiful
I want to feel seeping wounds close up and I want to feel the tightness of them healing
I want my bones to snap like sticks
And my teeth to break like bricks
I want the taste of life on my tongue when the pain numbs my body

I want to feel

Hi
I am Anne
I am a girl
I am 18 years old
I am really depressed

But... I also am..

The girl with hair that constantly changes

The girl with scars on her arms and wounds on her heart

The girl with her own will

The girl who never takes a single thing for granted

The girl who used to starve herself

The girl with thoughts darker than the night

The girl with so much love to give

I am a lot

But the only thing that matters

Is what I am to you

She is wonderfully fierce
As strong as a storm and as stubborn as the sea
She lives by self destruction
Injecting fire in her veins until there's nothing left to burn
She loves the rage, the anger and the rawness
She lives for pain and rebellion
Everything she touches dissappears
Everyone she loves will leave with a broken soul and more wisdom than before
Just a hand full of people can read the fond of her book
They still don't understand the words, but they manage to flip through the pages
She's entirely made of clouds
Unpredictable and impossible to catch
She's a talkative listener with her heart on her sleeve
She's me

All I want is for what we have to be real

I can't let them in
I can't
I can't
I can't
There's so much pain
I can't let them hurt me
I can't let them get too close to me
I can't do it, I really can't

What don't I understand, little girl?
I've seen so much of the world
The pain is temporary, like the youth you used to have
What don't I see, my little girl?
I've heard so much about the world
The sorrow will disappear like the sun dissappears for the moon
What don't I feel, my precious child
I've been here for a while
I know you feel like feeling nothing
But that's how society makes us something
I know I won't be able to show
But eventually these feelings will go

He said to the gravestone