Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
1.3k · Feb 1
Floor Feb 1
She plays violin on her wrists
Sinfully beautiful symphonies appear on her skin
Like paper sheets her blood will flow
With eyes determined on the price
She watches the last bit of her soul seep out of her wounds
A lonely sound escapes her lips
The last lonely sound she'll ever make
Now she's in a different place
And replaced the violin for clouds
890 · Jan 11
My throne of bones
Floor Jan 11
And they say there's nothing beautiful about bones
But all I see when I feel them appear more and more is pearls
I proudly parade along the pavement with veins and collarbones poking out like a sinful trophy
They are the jewels on my crown
The jewels I had to pick up from the ***** roads I crossed
Instead of making me heavier they let me hover through the sky
I can feel the storm in my head when the last bit of sugar leaves my body
Clouds appear when I stand up
Still looking for my throne I trow the last bit of nutriment aside and there it is. The end of the road shows me the thrown I've been waiting for. I've lost my body, but gained the pride in my head back knowing I can fight my natural desire to eat
679 · Aug 15
can't eat
Floor Aug 15
eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it
531 · Sep 2
Scary things
Floor Sep 2
I'm scared that I'll **** up
I'm scared that people won't accept the real me, the person with scars and a history full of pain and abuse
I'm scared that I'll throw my life away by dreaming too much
And I'm scared that I'll not dream enough
I'm scared that i will forever be scared
Trapped in my anxiety and shame
I'm scared that I won't be enough
I'm scared to lose my family and friends
I'm scared to lose my mind
I'm so close to losing my mind
I'm scared that I'll cut too deep
And I'm scared that I'll never cut deep enough
I'm scared of living
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared
478 · Aug 5
Everything. Is. Fine
Floor Aug 5
Everything is fine I tell myself
Everything is fine
I take the blade and put it against my skin
I don't even want to do it anymore
Everyone will be disappointed
Everything is fine
Everything is fine
I tell myself as blood seeps out of my fresh cuts
Everything is ******* fine
I can't find my breath
I can't breathe
Everything is fine
I push harder and the blade hides itself in my skin
I stop and look at the damage I have  done
Warm red and cold water blend in as I'm leaning over the lake
Everything is fine
443 · Jun 21
Insect of self doubt
Floor Jun 21
There is an insect inside of me
His name is depression
He's feasting on my innards
The pain moves up to my brain
It spreads through my veins
Now I'm shaking and choking on my own blood
Tearing up
Would that I could
And I am so very tired
If I could only end it all
Where am I, what can I do to stop this?

Who's there to trust?
439 · Aug 2
It's getting worse
Floor Aug 2
I lost weight again
Eating is getting harder and harder
I can't remember the last time I was hungry nor full
I want to stop eating completely
That's what my unhealthy side says
I want to stop eating and lose all the weight I put on in the hospital
I want my bones to show and I want to feel the way I did when I was skinny
This urge came suddenly
I don't know why or what to do about it
I want to be skinny again and there's no holding back this time
377 · Jun 24
They don't know
Floor Jun 24
That I've lost more tears than words
That I've been scared of being intimate since the boy that abused me
That I'm hurting inside so badly that all I can do is laugh about it because I can't cope with the feelings in my head
That my mother is so depressed that the whole house is shaking
That my father cries silently in his room at night
That my sister is rather not at home
They don't know
They don't know why I wear scars like a crown
Why I wear bones like pearls
They don't know why I push them away
Why I love flowers more when they are dead
They don't know
Because I choose to
I need to be strong for my family
I need to keep the mask on
They don't know I'm wearing a mask
They just hear my name and associate it with the things I spill on the table
They will never know
I won't let them know
372 · Jul 18
He loves me, right?
Floor Jul 18
'You're not good enough!' he said while he placed his hands around my neck
'you'll never be!'
I cried, he lied, I almost died that day
Full of bruises I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I fell off my bike the day before that
They believed it, they still think that's the truth
'You *****, never talk to another boy again or I'll **** you! ' he said while he slapped his hand against my cheek
I reacted mild, he got wild, I still was a child that day
Full of red marks I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I got in a playful fight with a friend
They believed it, they still think it's the truth
And this went on for a few months
I finally found the strength to get out
But it haunts me every day
360 · Jul 24
Floor Jul 24
There's so much pain
I hate myself so much
And everyone I allow to be in my life will be poisoned by me
I try to protect them
But how can I do that while I'm the one they should be running from
All I cause is pain
There's so much pain
I hate myself so ******* much
I wish people knew how bad it really is
Because I put on a smile and they all think I'm fine
It's like screaming and no one can hear
I'm drowning
I'm what's wrong and there's nothing I can do about it
If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me
How can I solve this without ending my life?
I can't take this any longer
My lungs are filled to the brim
I can't breathe
I just need the pain to be gone
I am the pain
What do I have to change inside to survive, who do I have to become?
I've had enough
There's so much pain
I can't take the loneliness any longer
The isolation I gave myself
I hate myself so much
I need to be gone
I need to be gone
Help me please
I can't take it any more
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe
350 · Jul 24
I'm nothing
Floor Jul 24
I can feel myself fading away
I've never been something special
But it's like I'm turning grey while the whole world is full of color
It's like I'm being pushed off
It's weird to explain
But I just feel like I am nothing
Like I can dissappear in a second and no one will notice
I want to end it myself before life does it for me
I'm so scared of living
The few years I had on this earth were **** to say the least
I'm nothing special
I'm nothing
342 · 1d
Unknown girl
Floor 1d
She's an unknown girl
Puts a smile on when she's ready
Walks past you fierce and steady
And you will never know what's going on
She's the one with broken limbs
Scratches and scars cover her skin
And she still remains an unknown girl
That's all she is to the world
338 · Jul 18
Heaven's gate
Floor Jul 18
Her parents are drowning in heroine
While she is taking the Ritalin
To calm her mind from all the stress
Because her parents made a mess
So she takes the pills one by one
Until the bottle is completely gone
And closes her eyes one last time
And looks at it as her parents crime
Now she is in a different place
Somewhere between time and space
Her parents are drowning in sadness and hate
While she is walking to heaven's gate
Something I wrote while traveling the other day.
334 · Jun 15
Self destruction
Floor Jun 15
I am addicted to my own destruction
I never chose to live this life and now I'm ripping it off of me piece by piece like a poster on a wall
Once the pills kick in, I go back to numb
Once the blade hits my skin I can finally feel something
Once the alcohol or **** strucks my system I can stop thinking for a minute
Death is friendly to me, life is not
People are terrified of it, that's what sets me apart from them
Death became my lover a long time ago and he wants to take everything
I'm willing to give it all, but people are holding me back
There will be a time they lose grip There will be a time when I'm all alone with my thoughts and they'll swallow me like I'm nothing.
I can't bare it anymore
That time will be very soon
331 · Jul 12
It's like this
Floor Jul 12
I've been anxious and depressed lately.
I haven't got time to catch my breath
I am so drained I can't even collect the energy to do basic tasks
My parents hate me because of this
I can't defend myself anymore
I don't have the energy to do so
My self destructive ways of coping are taking over my body
I can't breathe
It's like the color dissappeared and everything is foggy
I don't know how much longer I can take this
I've had enough
325 · Jun 10
Stolen breaths
Floor Jun 10
She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air
322 · Jun 21
Dissolve me
Floor Jun 21
I wish I could dissolve in water like salt can do
I wish I could part my molecules into such tiny pieces that you wouldn't be able to recognize them as me
I spent all my life hating myself, wondering why people ever put me here in the first place
I am self destructive
I am all kinds of wrong
I don't want to hurt the people close to me, so I put my guard up and don't let anyone come near me.
It's the only way I see things work
I wish I could dissolve like parfume does in air
Leaving a sweet smell behind that you'll remember for a while, but not
I wish I was here for a moment, for only a splitsecond. You wouldn't be able to see me as a person, but as the substance that I want to be. I wish I was ashes and free to flow wherever I please. Just to feel free in my own skin for once
320 · Jul 17
The urge
Floor Jul 17
The urge is getting in my head again
I want to take away the pain
I am the pain
My life is pain
I want to take my life
The voices are getting bad again, the depression is taking over
The urge is bigger and stronger than ever
I'm so ******* scared
I want to let people close to me
I want to tell them
I want it, but the memories and flashbacks are holding me pinned against the floor
I can't tell them
I have to do this alone
I'm not brave enough to keep this fight going
I'm done
320 · Mar 2
Floor Mar 2
I want to tear my skin apart
I want to rip the pieces of my body off my soul and create something beautiful
I want to feel seeping wounds close up and I want to feel the tightness of them healing
I want my bones to snap like sticks
And my teeth to break like bricks
I want the taste of life on my tongue when the pain numbs my body

I want to feel
302 · Nov 3
Floor Nov 3
It's there when I eat
And it's right next to me when I fall asleep
It's there when I'm walking
And it's leaning over my shoulders when I cry
I've learnt to live this way
The crippling fear of being alive has consumed me
It's always there
It graps me, pulls me in, leans over for a kiss, but puts a knife right through my back
I can still taste the fear on my lips as I go down on my knees
I never went this low to the ground
I feel dizzy as I try to pull myself up
But it keeps on pushing me back
I will never get up
296 · Jul 11
What they told me
Floor Jul 11
' You are the reason why my marriage isn't working' - dad

'you are worthless' - mom

'do something with your life, you look stupid doing nothing and being depressed all day' - mom

'you aren't depressed, you are just going though a phase' - dad

'You tear me apart' - mom

'you are egoistic, trying to **** yourself' - dad

'it's your own fault, just eat' - mom


'I don't trust you' - mom

'I love you' - mom & dad
Floor Jul 9
I smell like the cigarette that I put out on my skin
The sting's still there
It turned to a bright red spot before it went black
I smell like the **** that I smoked
I need it to keep the voices quiet
It turns my thoughts into clouds and my mood into water
I smell like the liquor I drank
I need it to feel alive
I need it to feel like I am somebody
I smell like the blood seeping out of my fresh cuts
I need it to stay calm
Without it I would lose myself in the eye of a noose
Why do I need all these things to make me feel like I am somebody? Without them I turn into my biggest demons and I can't face myself for a second being like that. Why can't I just be like everyone else and find pleasure instead of escape in atleast 3 of these things. Why can't I stop being me?
292 · Jul 9
Late-night thoughts
Floor Jul 9
I am in so much pain
I need somebody to **** me
I've tried and failed many times
They took my pills and noose away
I'm hurting so bad
Help me
Help me
I can't bare it any longer
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside out
I can't help it
**** me please
I need to rest
I just need a moment without the mental pain
It never stops it really never stops and I can't bare it anymore I can't live like this any longer
Help me
The demons are too big
They are killing me inside
They don't see how sick I am
They never see it
They trust me to be alone but I can't be alone because I will end my suffering on my own
I need to stop this pain
It's killing me
Caer Caer Caer Caer
Help me it's killing me
I feel so alone
I am so alone right now I can't feel like this any longer
**** me please
Please please please end my suffering
Before it's too late and they take the full control
290 · Mar 7
Sanity shower
Floor Mar 7
And I find it so hard to search for words to say
That my sanity went down the drain
Like the leftover soap seeping off my hair
It stings my eyes and turns me blind
The monster picks the moment like a greedy child picking a flower
It closes my throat so oxygen is a word I can't remember anymore
Thoughts drip down my body and I find myself drowning in the condensed walls of my mind
With damp fingers I try to reach for a strategy
But I seem to have lost my sanity
285 · Feb 15
Floor Feb 15
They sound so mellifluous, maneuvering through the skies
As a somnambulist I walk where they wander
Never ending fantasies dripping on my tongue
With shivering wings and etherial looks they pull me in
The petrichor of the first rain starts to work it's way into my memory
Solitude takes my hand and whispers into my ear
I feel welcomed by the bombinating sounds the insects make
They put me at ease while I wander further into society
274 · Jul 10
Floor Jul 10
Her tears hit the ground more often than her feet
It hurts to know that it's my fault
She broke down because of me
Her smile is something I have to keep in my memory, because I haven't seen it in a while
She doesn't trust me anymore
That's the worst part
She doesn't trust her own child
I did so many ****** up things
She was the one who found me when I tried to **** myself
Something snapped
It's my fault
257 · Sep 10
Floor Sep 10
I took them like tic tacs
243 · Nov 6
Poetry I love you
Floor Nov 6
I want to feel the poetry in my blood
I want to feel the words form a structure around my bones
Kindly reminding me of you in a way only words can do
I want to feel the explanation mark in my heart grow bigger as our lips converge
I want the commas to never end, and the periods to never emerge from the depths of my mind
We make poetry babe, you and I will forever remain alive in the words I have written
Because I love you as much as the words in my poems
And I will never let go of that feeling
241 · Aug 29
Tired almost angel
Floor Aug 29
And baby she's so tired
So tired of holding the corners of her mouth
She's so tired of faking a smile
And baby she's so scared
So scared of all the people
Telling her she can't
And baby she's so angry
So angry at herself
The cuts never went deep enough
And baby she's so done
So done with life
It never was good to her
236 · Feb 8
She was
Floor Feb 8
She was a shadow of her own mind
A pitch black hole in the air
When people looked at her the hope that she'd come back would fade away

She was a crack in a perfectly fine mirror
Nobody seemed to notice it at first, but it eventually got annoying to look

She was a papercut in her family's finger
A small stripe of blood and biterness in a beautiful surface that shouldn't be touched

She was broken but all she worried about was how it affected the people around her. And nobody seemed to take a needle to stitch the pieces back together
231 · Jun 8
Difficult lover
Floor Jun 8
I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.
166 · Jan 4
Floor Jan 4
I'm thinking as if I'm sinking, with my head deep down under the water surface.
Choking in the coldness of my thoughts.
I got used to the negative voices after a while, scraping down the surface of my brain like sand on skin. My eyes are closing because of the unpleasant pinch the whispers bring.
It works like salt, tiny crystals blinding my eyes for what's real.
I can hear the people screaming from above. They want to save me.
I just lay there in my thoughts, hoping for a wave to make the final decision, or a rock to give me final hope. It's hard to see with salt in your eyes.
It's even harder when you're the one causing the blindness yourself.
163 · Jan 9
Floor Jan 9
Anhedonia takes me under her wings,
With the softness of a feather she strikes against my forehead and takes out all the joy.
She smiles at me with crooked teeth and tells me it's alright to die.
Anhedonia forces her hands into my chest and rips my heart out so I can't feel the rhythm of my passion anymore
Then she puts me on her lap and starts to rock me back and forth, like I'm a little child. She tells me it's okay to feel the emptiness. She leans in and kisses me on the lips, ******* out the last bit of energy in my vessels and soul. She picks me up and gently lays my body down. She pushes her thin fingers on my eyelids to shut them as if she wants me to sleep. Yet she whispers nightmares in my head. Anhedonia took control of me, and I can't find a way out.
157 · Jun 6
what if
Floor Jun 6
what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing
the faucet is dripping
156 · Jul 9
I'm not okay
Floor Jul 9
No I'm not okay. I feel depressed, have anxiety. I fear rejection and commitment at the same time. I want to tell someone before it's too late, but I don't want to hurt you. I need someone to hug me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want to tell everything I've been through. But what if I tell and you reject me? What if you leave me? I can't go through that another time.
148 · Jun 16
I've tried
Floor Jun 24
Why the hell is everybody on their phone?
Why is the answer to life on the ******* phone?
And is the answer to my happiness in the cloud?
And if I die will anyone notice if I'm not around?
Why is the gram more interesting than paper in your hand?
And why am I the only one who doesn't understand?
It's like they got the instruction while I live in destruction
Why are people smiling while they're all so sad?
I dare to tell you a part wished they were dead
And why the hell is the temperature rising?
Why the **** don't we talk about that
Because all we care about is our streak on snapchat
#depression #madness#mentalhealth #anorexia #sanity
146 · Sep 7
Floor Sep 7
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm not sure
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm in pain
I'm done.
143 · Jun 10
Floor Jun 10
It's killing me
143 · Jun 12
the play
Floor Jun 12
They all think I'm getting better
they are proud of the steps I'm taking, but they can't see that I'm taking them backwards
My thoughts are killing me. I take my meds and save them up as well. Just to be sure I tell myself
But I know I will attempt
It hurts so bad that even my body can't handle it anymore
I'm shutting down like a concerthall, the lights going off one by one
I tried to sedate myself with smoke and blood, but nothing seems to help
It's been three years since I've seen the light
and although I'm still fighting for it to come back, I know in the back of my head that it's almost an impossible task to fulfill
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm alone
I'm still too scared to love, I won't let people near me
This isn't the way I planned on living my life
The play is taking all of my energy
and I don't know how to get it back
141 · Feb 8
Floor Feb 8
With cold whispers flowing against her heart she walked alone.
Holding her broken pieces in her arms, moving on the beat of the music she kept in her head as if it was her only prove of sanity.
When they looked in her eyes they saw emptiness, almost like a grey depth. It scared them away. She gave up on trying to help people understand. She didn't even understand it herself. With blood seeping through her thin skin she made a path for the people behind her, hoping they would make it through when she wasn't around anymore. With the last breath stumbling out of her lungs she pushed her head through the dog leash. 'Life, I've been your animal for way to long, it's time to give me up.' The grey depths of her eyes changed into beautiful star constellations. The time seeped through her fingers. Life had listened.
141 · Mar 27
Floor Mar 27
Can you show me how to live
Because I tried but failed many times
My bones still fractured and skin still punctured
I can't seem to find the right stitches to get it back together
So I stay in bed and rest
In that comfort I find a hole
It's as big as a nikkel but it gets bigger over time
Now I can't help but wonder when it's big enough to fall
I can feel it lurking under my back
I find the strength to look around me
My thoughts are on my nightstand like a succulent plant
It's not necessarily a plant to feed, but I keep forgetting I already gave them what they needed
Now they are drowning in their flowerpot
I can see them dripping away as the time goes by
I can feel myself disappearing
135 · Oct 11
I am
Floor Oct 11
She is wonderfully fierce
As strong as a storm and as stubborn as the sea
She lives by self destruction
Injecting fire in her veins until there's nothing left to burn
She loves the rage, the anger and the rawness
She lives for pain and rebellion
Everything she touches dissappears
Everyone she loves will leave with a broken soul and more wisdom than before
Just a hand full of people can read the fond of her book
They still don't understand the words, but they manage to flip through the pages
She's entirely made of clouds
Unpredictable and impossible to catch
She's a talkative listener with her heart on her sleeve
She's me
132 · Jan 15
Who am I?
Floor Jan 15
And he thinks it's so easy
Because he knows how to love
But I never met that feeling
I've had a dark cloud above my head and my heart for as long as I can remember
Who even am I?
My brain tells me it's perfect
But my feelings got stuck behind this wall
I can't seem to find them.
Every day I pretend. I pretend that I'm fine.
'yes I ate my dinner, yes I took my medicine, yes I love you'
These lies became a friendly play.
But the glue behind the mask is wearing off and slowly reveals the broken pieces left of me.
I don't know anymore
My brain divided itself into little fragments, hovering all over the place.
The only safetynet is myself, and I can't seem to find her.
123 · Jan 4
I don't understand
Floor Jan 4
What don't I understand, little girl?
I've seen so much of the world
The pain is temporary, like the youth you used to have
What don't I see, my little girl?
I've heard so much about the world
The sorrow will disappear like the sun dissappears for the moon
What don't I feel, my precious child
I've been here for a while
I know you feel like feeling nothing
But that's how society makes us something
I know I won't be able to show
But eventually these feelings will go

He said to the gravestone
122 · Sep 22
Floor Sep 22
push me under the surface of your skin
i want to drown with your hands around my neck
i want to feel the waves of your body against mine
I want you to give it all
kiss my neck and leave pearls behind
pull my hair and pinch my skin
I want to feel it all
I want to feel every bit of you
I like the craziness of tidal waves
I like the unexpected things
don't hold back
let it be like it should be, rough like the ocean
113 · Jun 15
Floor Jun 15
My mom asked me what I wanted to be
'I want to be one of the stars' I answered
'You want to be above everyone else?' she asked
'I want to be gone and I want to turn into dust' I told her
Silence followed
113 · Mar 19
Floor Mar 19
I let my body be the gun
Shooting myself with silver bullets
Pulling the trigger with pleasure and joy
I find myself on the ground with thoughts keeping me down
and silence leaking out of me
I smell blood and metal
It slips away like time and day 
All what's left is biterness
And for a splitsecond I felt the pain
That one thing I was seeking for
Now I lay here still and dead
The numbness took the best of me
112 · Feb 15
The dress-up
Floor Feb 15
Lacking the feeling of empathy I walk amongst the pavement.
They told me sad was the word I had to put on, but I chose a different dress. Now I can feel how itchy the fabric is and I regret my choice. It never was my choice in the first place, I remembered. The dress restricts me and makes me feel numb, it turns my vision blurry and my body invisible. The sleeves tickle my arms and leave thin red marks where it touches my skin. I wish I could pull new jeans out of my closet, and leave the dress on the floor for once.
109 · Jun 10
Floor Jun 10
I'm trying so hard to let the air in
But all I can seem to do is scream terrifying melodies
they broadcast the pain like it's some sort of freakshow
The watchers laugh at me while I'm trying to dance with the devil
One wants to give me a hand and tries to pull me out of the madness, but he fails
It's okay though. I like to watch him while I suffer. He reminds me of the good things in life
And although we can't touch hands just yet I know he's the one feeding me oxygen while  most people stay at the sideline to watch me gasp for air
Next page