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1.8k · Feb 2019
Violin
Floor Feb 2019
She plays violin on her wrists
Sinfully beautiful symphonies appear on her skin
Like paper sheets her blood will flow
With eyes determined on the price
She watches the last bit of her soul seep out of her wounds
A lonely sound escapes her lips
The last lonely sound she'll ever make
Now she's in a different place
And replaced the violin for clouds
1.1k · Sep 2019
Scary things
Floor Sep 2019
I'm scared that I'll **** up
I'm scared that people won't accept the real me, the person with scars and a history full of pain and abuse
I'm scared that I'll throw my life away by dreaming too much
And I'm scared that I'll not dream enough
I'm scared that i will forever be scared
Trapped in my anxiety and shame
I'm scared that I won't be enough
I'm scared to lose my family and friends
I'm scared to lose my mind
I'm so close to losing my mind
I'm scared that I'll cut too deep
And I'm scared that I'll never cut deep enough
I'm scared of living
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared
1.1k · Jan 2019
My throne of bones
Floor Jan 2019
And they say there's nothing beautiful about bones
But all I see when I feel them appear more and more is pearls
I proudly parade along the pavement with veins and collarbones poking out like a sinful trophy
They are the jewels on my crown
The jewels I had to pick up from the ***** roads I crossed
Instead of making me heavier they let me hover through the sky
I can feel the storm in my head when the last bit of sugar leaves my body
Clouds appear when I stand up
Still looking for my throne I trow the last bit of nutriment aside and there it is. The end of the road shows me the thrown I've been waiting for. I've lost my body, but gained the pride in my head back knowing I can fight my natural desire to eat
988 · Aug 2019
can't eat
Floor Aug 2019
eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it
876 · Jan 2020
Burden
Floor Jan 2020
I'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burden

I need to die
But will you notice?
864 · Nov 2019
talkative listener
Floor Nov 2019
o talkative listener
what do you do
always rephrasing sins on your skin
you are a devil in disguise
and I love you for that
you are ragged edged with a hint of silver
wanting to make gold with stones
you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders
and walk like it's your last time to shine
o talkative listener
what do you do
always marking your words with a metal edge
you are a devil in disguise
and I love you for that
748 · Nov 2019
Anxiety
Floor Nov 2019
Anxiety
It's there when I eat
And it's right next to me when I fall asleep
It's there when I'm walking
And it's leaning over my shoulders when I cry
I've learnt to live this way
The crippling fear of being alive has consumed me
It's always there
It graps me, pulls me in, leans over for a kiss, but puts a knife right through my back
I can still taste the fear on my lips as I go down on my knees
I never went this low to the ground
I feel dizzy as I try to pull myself up
But it keeps on pushing me back
I will never get up
Anxiety
705 · Aug 2019
Everything. Is. Fine
Floor Aug 2019
Everything is fine I tell myself
Everything is fine
I take the blade and put it against my skin
I don't even want to do it anymore
Everyone will be disappointed
Everything is fine
Everything is fine
I tell myself as blood seeps out of my fresh cuts
Everything is ******* fine
I can't find my breath
I can't breathe
Everything is fine
I push harder and the blade hides itself in my skin
I stop and look at the damage I have  done
Warm red and cold water blend in as I'm leaning over the lake
Everything is fine
662 · Aug 2019
It's getting worse
Floor Aug 2019
I lost weight again
Eating is getting harder and harder
I can't remember the last time I was hungry nor full
I want to stop eating completely
That's what my unhealthy side says
I want to stop eating and lose all the weight I put on in the hospital
I want my bones to show and I want to feel the way I did when I was skinny
This urge came suddenly
I don't know why or what to do about it
I want to be skinny again and there's no holding back this time
653 · Jul 2019
He loves me, right?
Floor Jul 2019
'You're not good enough!' he said while he placed his hands around my neck
'you'll never be!'
I cried, he lied, I almost died that day
Full of bruises I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I fell off my bike the day before that
They believed it, they still think that's the truth
'You *****, never talk to another boy again or I'll **** you! ' he said while he slapped his hand against my cheek
I reacted mild, he got wild, I still was a child that day
Full of red marks I walked home
Smiled to my parents and told them I got in a playful fight with a friend
They believed it, they still think it's the truth
And this went on for a few months
I finally found the strength to get out
But it haunts me every day
639 · Jun 2019
Insect of self doubt
Floor Jun 2019
There is an insect inside of me
His name is depression
He's feasting on my innards
The pain moves up to my brain
It spreads through my veins
Now I'm shaking and choking on my own blood
Tearing up
Would that I could
And I am so very tired
If I could only end it all
Where am I, what can I do to stop this?

Who's there to trust?
627 · Jul 2019
I'm nothing
Floor Jul 2019
I can feel myself fading away
I've never been something special
But it's like I'm turning grey while the whole world is full of color
It's like I'm being pushed off
It's weird to explain
But I just feel like I am nothing
Like I can dissappear in a second and no one will notice
I want to end it myself before life does it for me
I'm so scared of living
The few years I had on this earth were **** to say the least
I'm nothing special
I'm nothing
589 · Jan 2019
Anhedonia
Floor Jan 2019
Anhedonia takes me under her wings,
With the softness of a feather she strikes against my forehead and takes out all the joy.
She smiles at me with crooked teeth and tells me it's alright to die.
Anhedonia forces her hands into my chest and rips my heart out so I can't feel the rhythm of my passion anymore
Then she puts me on her lap and starts to rock me back and forth, like I'm a little child. She tells me it's okay to feel the emptiness. She leans in and kisses me on the lips, ******* out the last bit of energy in my vessels and soul. She picks me up and gently lays my body down. She pushes her thin fingers on my eyelids to shut them as if she wants me to sleep. Yet she whispers nightmares in my head. Anhedonia took control of me, and I can't find a way out.
580 · Jul 2019
Heaven's gate
Floor Jul 2019
Her parents are drowning in heroine
While she is taking the Ritalin
To calm her mind from all the stress
Because her parents made a mess
So she takes the pills one by one
Until the bottle is completely gone
And closes her eyes one last time
And looks at it as her parents crime
Now she is in a different place
Somewhere between time and space
Her parents are drowning in sadness and hate
While she is walking to heaven's gate
Something I wrote while traveling the other day.
574 · Jun 2019
They don't know
Floor Jun 2019
That I've lost more tears than words
That I've been scared of being intimate since the boy that abused me
That I'm hurting inside so badly that all I can do is laugh about it because I can't cope with the feelings in my head
That my mother is so depressed that the whole house is shaking
That my father cries silently in his room at night
That my sister is rather not at home
They don't know
They don't know why I wear scars like a crown
Why I wear bones like pearls
They don't know why I push them away
Why I love flowers more when they are dead
They don't know
Because I choose to
I need to be strong for my family
I need to keep the mask on
They don't know I'm wearing a mask
They just hear my name and associate it with the things I spill on the table
They will never know
I won't let them know
565 · Jul 2019
The urge
Floor Jul 2019
The urge is getting in my head again
I want to take away the pain
I am the pain
My life is pain
I want to take my life
The voices are getting bad again, the depression is taking over
The urge is bigger and stronger than ever
I'm so ******* scared
I want to let people close to me
I want to tell them
I want it, but the memories and flashbacks are holding me pinned against the floor
I can't tell them
I have to do this alone
I'm not brave enough to keep this fight going
I'm done
556 · Jul 2019
Jdidfjshjn
Floor Jul 2019
There's so much pain
I hate myself so much
And everyone I allow to be in my life will be poisoned by me
I try to protect them
But how can I do that while I'm the one they should be running from
All I cause is pain
There's so much pain
I hate myself so ******* much
I wish people knew how bad it really is
Because I put on a smile and they all think I'm fine
It's like screaming and no one can hear
I'm drowning
I'm what's wrong and there's nothing I can do about it
If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me
How can I solve this without ending my life?
I can't take this any longer
My lungs are filled to the brim
I can't breathe
I just need the pain to be gone
I am the pain
What do I have to change inside to survive, who do I have to become?
I've had enough
There's so much pain
I can't take the loneliness any longer
The isolation I gave myself
I hate myself so much
I need to be gone
I need to be gone
Help me please
I can't take it any more
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe
525 · Jul 2019
It's like this
Floor Jul 2019
I've been anxious and depressed lately.
I haven't got time to catch my breath
I am so drained I can't even collect the energy to do basic tasks
My parents hate me because of this
I can't defend myself anymore
I don't have the energy to do so
My self destructive ways of coping are taking over my body
I can't breathe
It's like the color dissappeared and everything is foggy
I don't know how much longer I can take this
I've had enough
522 · Nov 2019
Poetry I love you
Floor Nov 2019
I want to feel the poetry in my blood
I want to feel the words form a structure around my bones
Kindly reminding me of you in a way only words can do
I want to feel the explanation mark in my heart grow bigger as our lips converge
I want the commas to never end, and the periods to never emerge from the depths of my mind
We make poetry babe, you and I will forever remain alive in the words I have written
Because I love you as much as the words in my poems
And I will never let go of that feeling
504 · Jun 2019
Self destruction
Floor Jun 2019
I am addicted to my own destruction
I never chose to live this life and now I'm ripping it off of me piece by piece like a poster on a wall
Once the pills kick in, I go back to numb
Once the blade hits my skin I can finally feel something
Once the alcohol or **** strucks my system I can stop thinking for a minute
Death is friendly to me, life is not
People are terrified of it, that's what sets me apart from them
Death became my lover a long time ago and he wants to take everything
I'm willing to give it all, but people are holding me back
There will be a time they lose grip There will be a time when I'm all alone with my thoughts and they'll swallow me like I'm nothing.
I can't bare it anymore
That time will be very soon
490 · Nov 2019
I can't
Floor Nov 2019
All I want is for what we have to be real
485 · Nov 2019
Unknown girl
Floor Nov 2019
She's an unknown girl
Puts a smile on when she's ready
Walks past you fierce and steady
And you will never know what's going on
She's the one with broken limbs
Scratches and scars cover her skin
And she still remains an unknown girl
That's all she is to the world
484 · Jul 2019
Late-night thoughts
Floor Jul 2019
I am in so much pain
I need somebody to **** me
I've tried and failed many times
They took my pills and noose away
I'm hurting so bad
Help me
Help me
I can't bare it any longer
It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside out
I can't help it
**** me please
I need to rest
I just need a moment without the mental pain
It never stops it really never stops and I can't bare it anymore I can't live like this any longer
Help me
The demons are too big
They are killing me inside
They don't see how sick I am
They never see it
They trust me to be alone but I can't be alone because I will end my suffering on my own
I need to stop this pain
It's killing me
Help
Caer Caer Caer Caer
Help me it's killing me
I feel so alone
I am so alone right now I can't feel like this any longer
**** me please
Please please please end my suffering
Before it's too late and they take the full control
478 · Mar 2019
Hurt
Floor Mar 2019
I want to tear my skin apart
I want to rip the pieces of my body off my soul and create something beautiful
I want to feel seeping wounds close up and I want to feel the tightness of them healing
I want my bones to snap like sticks
And my teeth to break like bricks
I want the taste of life on my tongue when the pain numbs my body

I want to feel
478 · Jun 2019
Dissolve me
Floor Jun 2019
I wish I could dissolve in water like salt can do
I wish I could part my molecules into such tiny pieces that you wouldn't be able to recognize them as me
I spent all my life hating myself, wondering why people ever put me here in the first place
I am self destructive
I am all kinds of wrong
I don't want to hurt the people close to me, so I put my guard up and don't let anyone come near me.
It's the only way I see things work
I wish I could dissolve like parfume does in air
Leaving a sweet smell behind that you'll remember for a while, but not
forever
I wish I was here for a moment, for only a splitsecond. You wouldn't be able to see me as a person, but as the substance that I want to be. I wish I was ashes and free to flow wherever I please. Just to feel free in my own skin for once
Floor Jul 2019
I smell like the cigarette that I put out on my skin
The sting's still there
It turned to a bright red spot before it went black
I smell like the **** that I smoked
I need it to keep the voices quiet
It turns my thoughts into clouds and my mood into water
I smell like the liquor I drank
I need it to feel alive
I need it to feel like I am somebody
I smell like the blood seeping out of my fresh cuts
I need it to stay calm
Without it I would lose myself in the eye of a noose
Why do I need all these things to make me feel like I am somebody? Without them I turn into my biggest demons and I can't face myself for a second being like that. Why can't I just be like everyone else and find pleasure instead of escape in atleast 3 of these things. Why can't I stop being me?
463 · Jul 2019
What they told me
Floor Jul 2019
' You are the reason why my marriage isn't working' - dad

'you are worthless' - mom

'do something with your life, you look stupid doing nothing and being depressed all day' - mom

'you aren't depressed, you are just going though a phase' - dad

'You tear me apart' - mom

'you are egoistic, trying to **** yourself' - dad

'it's your own fault, just eat' - mom

'JUST STOP BEING YOU' - mom

'I don't trust you' - mom

'I love you' - mom & dad
453 · Jun 2019
Stolen breaths
Floor Jun 2019
She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air
442 · Mar 2019
Sanity shower
Floor Mar 2019
And I find it so hard to search for words to say
That my sanity went down the drain
Like the leftover soap seeping off my hair
It stings my eyes and turns me blind
The monster picks the moment like a greedy child picking a flower
It closes my throat so oxygen is a word I can't remember anymore
Thoughts drip down my body and I find myself drowning in the condensed walls of my mind
With damp fingers I try to reach for a strategy
But I seem to have lost my sanity
424 · Jul 2019
Mom
Floor Jul 2019
Mom
Her tears hit the ground more often than her feet
It hurts to know that it's my fault
She broke down because of me
Her smile is something I have to keep in my memory, because I haven't seen it in a while
She doesn't trust me anymore
That's the worst part
She doesn't trust her own child
I did so many ****** up things
She was the one who found me when I tried to **** myself
Something snapped
It's my fault
403 · Aug 2019
Tired almost angel
Floor Aug 2019
And baby she's so tired
So tired of holding the corners of her mouth
She's so tired of faking a smile
And baby she's so scared
So scared of all the people
Telling her she can't
And baby she's so angry
So angry at herself
The cuts never went deep enough
And baby she's so done
So done with life
It never was good to her
369 · Feb 2019
Insect
Floor Feb 2019
They sound so mellifluous, maneuvering through the skies
As a somnambulist I walk where they wander
Never ending fantasies dripping on my tongue
With shivering wings and etherial looks they pull me in
The petrichor of the first rain starts to work it's way into my memory
Solitude takes my hand and whispers into my ear
I feel welcomed by the bombinating sounds the insects make
They put me at ease while I wander further into society
350 · Jun 2019
Difficult lover
Floor Jun 2019
I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.
347 · Feb 2019
She was
Floor Feb 2019
She was a shadow of her own mind
A pitch black hole in the air
When people looked at her the hope that she'd come back would fade away

She was a crack in a perfectly fine mirror
Nobody seemed to notice it at first, but it eventually got annoying to look

She was a papercut in her family's finger
A small stripe of blood and biterness in a beautiful surface that shouldn't be touched

She was broken but all she worried about was how it affected the people around her. And nobody seemed to take a needle to stitch the pieces back together
340 · Nov 2019
Anorexia
Floor Nov 2019
God she is so thin  
Embraced her darkest sin
She's fading in perfection
And losing her perseption

God she is just skin
Tried to fight the demons from within
But eventually let them win
She's fading into darkness
Can't remember where her heart is
314 · Sep 2019
Goodbye
Floor Sep 2019
I took them like tic tacs
Floor Sep 2019
Lieve mama,

Je hebt mijn grafrede geschreven. Vol overtuiging heb je de pen op het papier gezet en de woorden laten vloeien.
Zonder enige twijfel kon jij zo je speech schrijven. Je deed het in het ziekenhuis, terwijl ik nietsvermoedend naast je zat. Je liet het me niet lezen, ik heb zelf je boekje gepakt. Nadat jij zo vaak mijn pijn op het papier heb kunnen lezen, leek het me niet meer dan eerlijk om te zien waar jij al zo lang mee zat. Uit je woorden kon ik opmaken dat je al een lange tijd aan het rouwen bent. Ik ben nog niet dood, maar je weet dat het eraan zit te komen. De constante schaduw van de suïcidale aanvallen hebben de monsters in je hoofd als een wild vuur aangewakkerd. Je gelooft niet meer in mijn leven. Het is een droom die ieder moment kan stoppen. Je weet dat je daarna nooit meer zult dromen en klampt je krampachtig vast aan de laatste beelden die je voor je **** halen. We hebben de laatste tijd niet meer dan ruzie gehad. We voelen de dood beide zo hard in ons nek hijgen dat we elkaar nauwelijks aan kunnen kijken. Het komt door mij. Wat zou het nu nog uitmaken of ik dood ga of niet. Ik heb je al zoveel pijn en verdriet gekost, dit kan zo niet verder mam. Ik wil je geen pijn meer doen. Je hebt mijn grafrede geschreven, verdomme mam. Je hebt het voor mij definitief gemaakt. Ik dacht dat ik er niet mee zou zitten, ik dacht dat ik mijn gevoel weer weg kon stoppen, maar mam je hebt het definitief gemaakt. Ik geef je nergens de schuld van. Ik had nooit dat boekje moeten pakken, maar mam je bent zo afgesloten. Ik wil weer met je zijn, samen kunnen lachen en huilen. Tegenwoordig kunnen we elkaar niet uitstaan. Ik voel de band niet meer. Ik begin mezelf weer langzaam terug te trekken en als het eenmaal zo ver is, zal het weer fout gaan. Het is voor mij, net als voor jou, een tikkende tijdbom. Ik sta op springen mam, ik kan niet meer. Ik vocht voor jou, maar jij hebt me al opgegeven. Jij bent al aan het rouwen voor een kind dat nog niet dood is.
283 · Feb 2019
The dress-up
Floor Feb 2019
Lacking the feeling of empathy I walk amongst the pavement.
They told me sad was the word I had to put on, but I chose a different dress. Now I can feel how itchy the fabric is and I regret my choice. It never was my choice in the first place, I remembered. The dress restricts me and makes me feel numb, it turns my vision blurry and my body invisible. The sleeves tickle my arms and leave thin red marks where it touches my skin. I wish I could pull new jeans out of my closet, and leave the dress on the floor for once.
270 · Jul 2019
I'm not okay
Floor Jul 2019
No I'm not okay. I feel depressed, have anxiety. I fear rejection and commitment at the same time. I want to tell someone before it's too late, but I don't want to hurt you. I need someone to hug me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want to tell everything I've been through. But what if I tell and you reject me? What if you leave me? I can't go through that another time.
260 · Oct 2019
I'm tired
Floor Oct 2019
Help, I've done it again
I've been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
Seeing the blood made me feel okay
I've been here many times before
This pitch black hole they call depression
It's a beast feasting on my innards
There's nothing left but pain
I can't breathe. The weight of being alive is pulling me under
I can't function without feeling the wall between me and my emotions
I just want to close my eyes to never wake up again
I'm done giving to a world so ****** up as this one
I'm done living in a society that tells me how to behave
I am so ******* tired
I want to die
No. I need to die
I don't have any purpose
I'm drowning, can't you see?
It's inhumane to keep me here
In a life that isn't made for me
256 · Jun 2019
what if
Floor Jun 2019
what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing
the faucet is dripping
254 · Sep 2019
Wildchild
Floor Sep 2019
You can't have me
You can't own me
You can watch me burn in the smoke of cigarettes and ****
You can hear me screaming, defending my end
You can see me ruin things, all things at once
You can feel my energy rushing through my bones
It's trapped in a body with a lack of capability
I am a wildchild
I do what i want, when i want
You can't own me
You can't tell me what to do
I'm my own personal hell
I like the destruction in ways I can't describe
Watch me dance like a crazy person when I listen to music
Watch the rain fall on my tongue when i step outside
Watch me chew my cheeks when i think
You will never know what i am thinking about
Maybe that's what interests you in me
You like the way i am uncontrollable
You like the way i refuse to live by standards
254 · Oct 2019
Hate you love
Floor Oct 2019
The truth is, I hate you
I hate you a lot
Because I love you the most
Every whole feeling is a threat to me
You have power without even knowing
The truth is, mom, that I despise you
I despise you a lot
Because I respect you the most
But every whole feeling is a threat to me
You are the strongest without even knowing, mom.
253 · Sep 2020
Cut
Floor Sep 2020
Cut
It happened
And happened some more
Until the blood started to pour
And my weak body fell to the floor
I felt sad down to the core
About these silver scars I wore
On selfharm
247 · Sep 2019
Life into death
Floor Sep 2019
I knew a girl full of joy and peace
Who one day fell down to her knees
And told me with a big ol smile
I'm gonna leave earth for a while
She grinned and looked into my eyes
And told me about all the lies
She had lost all of her sway and glow
And really felt the urge to go
I saw her hands behind her back
And my vision went to black
A mirror appeared into my sight
And blinded me with all the light
'I'm you' she whispered in my ear
Everything seemed to get so clear
I once knew a girl full of joy and peace
Who one day fell down to her knees
And took the pills like tic tac sweets
Appeared to her as a big treat
Because peace she found into the ground
And fear was way too far ahead
For her to catch up after death
So she enjoyed her angel wings
And forgot the painful things
244 · Mar 2019
Gone
Floor Mar 2019
Can you show me how to live
Because I tried but failed many times
My bones still fractured and skin still punctured
I can't seem to find the right stitches to get it back together
So I stay in bed and rest
In that comfort I find a hole
It's as big as a nikkel but it gets bigger over time
Now I can't help but wonder when it's big enough to fall
I can feel it lurking under my back
I find the strength to look around me
My thoughts are on my nightstand like a succulent plant
It's not necessarily a plant to feed, but I keep forgetting I already gave them what they needed
Now they are drowning in their flowerpot
I can see them dripping away as the time goes by
I can feel myself disappearing
241 · Sep 2019
choke
Floor Sep 2019
push me under the surface of your skin
i want to drown with your hands around my neck
i want to feel the waves of your body against mine
I want you to give it all
kiss my neck and leave pearls behind
pull my hair and pinch my skin
I want to feel it all
I want to feel every bit of you
I like the craziness of tidal waves
I like the unexpected things
don't hold back
let it be like it should be, rough like the ocean
241 · Jan 2019
Sinking
Floor Jan 2019
I'm thinking as if I'm sinking, with my head deep down under the water surface.
Choking in the coldness of my thoughts.
I got used to the negative voices after a while, scraping down the surface of my brain like sand on skin. My eyes are closing because of the unpleasant pinch the whispers bring.
It works like salt, tiny crystals blinding my eyes for what's real.
I can hear the people screaming from above. They want to save me.
I just lay there in my thoughts, hoping for a wave to make the final decision, or a rock to give me final hope. It's hard to see with salt in your eyes.
It's even harder when you're the one causing the blindness yourself.
233 · Sep 2019
Angels
Floor Sep 2019
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm not sure
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm in pain
I'm done.
231 · Jun 2019
the play
Floor Jun 2019
They all think I'm getting better
they are proud of the steps I'm taking, but they can't see that I'm taking them backwards
My thoughts are killing me. I take my meds and save them up as well. Just to be sure I tell myself
But I know I will attempt
It hurts so bad that even my body can't handle it anymore
I'm shutting down like a concerthall, the lights going off one by one
I tried to sedate myself with smoke and blood, but nothing seems to help
It's been three years since I've seen the light
and although I'm still fighting for it to come back, I know in the back of my head that it's almost an impossible task to fulfill
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do anymore and I'm alone
I'm still too scared to love, I won't let people near me
This isn't the way I planned on living my life
The play is taking all of my energy
and I don't know how to get it back
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