Eleanor Sinclair

Eleanor Sinclair Dec 2018

Do I dare say that I wish I was invisible
That people didn’t look at me and on the streets I could walk peacefully
No shady eyes or stares
Perhaps it’s my paranoia and perhaps nobody cares
The thing that gets me the most about life
Is the insurmountable amount of hype
I get it’s a gift and believe me, I’m grateful
But this distasteful existence I lead is starting to get to my head
Like the smell of cigarettes in my mothers car
No matter how far the drive I would hold my breath and hope to survive
I kind of feel like life is this way
Because despite my actions day to day I still wonder why I’m here and what is it that I walk on the street and fear
Is it the people and their perceptions
Or is it me and how I view myself
Fearful of astral projecting it onto everybody else
If they thought of me the way I think of me then holy hell what a different world this would be
I can’t understand why I float about here in space
But in case you were wondering I’m here for love and it doesn’t matter if you call me a disgrace
I think the man I’m in love with is from heaven above
And yes it’s unconventional, after all we live in to separate worlds
But he sees me for me and not my childish comments as a girl
For a second can you think what it would be like to not exist?
That’s a crisis all in itself and scientists are always ****** when you ask them what comes next in life for the dead
They can’t wrap their head around not being here
So they discount the new studies that come out every year
I don’t know what to believe and I really don’t care
Just get me away from this place so I can leave and be fine
I want to disappear like an erased pencil line

#hell #hopeless #lonely #sad #depressed #unhappy #suicidal #lost #angry #heartbroken

Eleanor Sinclair Nov 2018

Hollow Howl

The wind speaks to me at night
It cascades and whistles in mid flight
I see in it the wonder
And destruction like the thunder
It tells me of the clouds
And how they love to clump in crowds
Perhaps the wind will save us
With it's mighty and powerful gust
I wish to ask it questions
And to express my confessions
The howling shrieks seems mournful
Like those of a mere mortal
I suppose nothing is free from pain
Even nature is bound by chain
How I long to ask the wind
Why it's voice must rescind
For days at a time it will not visit
My window pane forgets its kisses
As I forget its touch on my skin
I wonder where my wind has been

#wind #lost #mournful #hollow #howling #empty #wise #unsure #questioning

Eleanor Sinclair Nov 2018

Lepidoptera

Maybe in another life I will be something less painful than a human
Fewer feelings and emotions and ridiculous devotions
Perhaps a butterfly so I may sprout wings to go wherever I please
To escape when I want and live among the trees
To be free from the mortal bonds which bind me still
Being crushed by those who see me as a bent and dying daffodil
I am viewed as a damaged and battered being
Yet it seems as though my outside casing is the only thing people are seeing
My mind is quiet foggy but my folded stems are not painful
They just distort my appearance and for that I'm quiet thankful
Because if those who care were to ignore my imperfections
Then by chance I could avoid societal dissection
Let me return as a creature without sense or thought
Then I will never be caught thinking of what I used to be
I'll be free from the prospect that the world ruined me
I thought I was alone in this place of misery
But I was soon brought out and could see clearly, instantly
Love was the lens I needed for sight
But now like the butterfly, it has left to take flight
There once was a time when the world brought me joy
Until I found people who sadistically poison and destroy
Now I again must revert back to nature
In the end it is all I have left...
Sooner or later

#lepidoptera #sad #lost #conflicted #hurt #upset #lonely #butterfly #new #hateful

Eleanor Sinclair Nov 2018

Written for me:

I told my love recently that he never writes for me
He claimed it was because of his insecurity
The English language is complex
I agree, but it requires thought and what comes next
So my love then began to think
And with his words he made my heart sink
In a way that was full of emotion
And it renewed my everlasting devotion
He wrote for me
A piece of poetry:
"Your eyes sparkle,
Sparkle like a thousand fireworks,
and I marvel like a little kid,
Looking into your beautiful green eyes
like a lushes forest.
Hoping to get lost with you in the wild"

#love #happy #smile #poetry #cute #compassion #passion #lovely #sweet #nice

Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2018

Third Day of a Seven Day Binge

I hope my body forgives me
For what I’ve put it through
I hope one day I see
The truths I heard from you

I promise I will try
Not to starve myself as often
But there will be hiccups and lies
As I chew and chew to soften

The food will make me sick
Though I may not mean physical
But still they call me “thick”
Thin is paradisiacal

I’m sorry some days I can’t keep down my food
Or I can’t even look at the label on that junk
I know it would taste good
But it would just add to me another flabby chunk

The number doesn’t matter
It’s arbitrary really
I’m stuck like the mad hatter
And the mirror floats about freely

Yes I’m scared to death
But the death is so enticing
I push and pull each breath
But the sharp oxygen is slicing

Tired and alone
I wander aimlessly
With no place to call home
I can’t say I do so blamelessly

It’s my fault I’m so messed up
But I want that skin and bones
I rinse my mouth with a cup
After throwing up dark tones

I hope my body forgives me
For hurting it so greatly
It’s not who I want to be
But I’ve gotten much worse lately

#sad #sorrow #depressed #anorexia #bulimia #binge #purge #hurting #hurt #lonely

Eleanor Sinclair Oct 2018

Hopeless

I was ready to run away
Far far away I packed my bags today to try to go where I belong
Where do I belong except following the song of a land that is perhaps not my own
I try to run from these sticks and stones but my broken bones keep me here
Crying
Shouting pouting sobbing
I sit with bruised ribs and shortened breath
The depth of my breath is like a canyon or a crater which sooner or later becomes the norm and I’m trapped
Shackled to this life when all I want to do is attack it
It’s impossible
I can’t seem to make myself believe what it means to be worthy
Hurry and save me before these walls cave in on me
These four walls make me feel so tall but at the end of it all I’m small and smaller and the universe expands while I shrink and my existence is very indistinct
I suppose it’s all meaningless
Should I just go and be, I don’t know, something different?
I could live in the mountains by a little Swiss village
With a brittle wood house and a crackling fire place to set the pace for a relaxing time
Full of sublime moments with the one I adore
I implore to leave this wretched area but my anxiety filled hysteria keeps me here
Some days the stress makes my ears ring so loud it’s all I can hear and it appears that I’m not sleeping
Instead I’m thinking and like a teabag steeping in what comes next
Either tomorrow or in ten years I rethink all my dreams and fears and wow does it mess things up
I smile less and worry more about what the universe has in store
I don’t know what comes next
Yet I still hope for the best

Eleanor Sinclair Sep 2018

Lost Light

The stars are plenty in the sky
Some reason when they’re gone I can’t help but cry
The beauty is inescapable
Yet some days it’s trapped in a distant bubble
I can’t see their twinkle tonight and it kills me
Normally their radiance fills me
But even the moon is now shrouded from worldly view
The sky seems empty with no stars, not even a few
I count the days since I last saw my light
Whether from the cold dark pavement or the highest height
I miss the constellations that made me smile
I haven’t felt that joy in quite a while
I miss the celestial bodies on the dark flat sheet
I miss watching them shimmer as I listen to my heartbeat
Please return to me my Starry Night sky
My iridescent view don’t pass me by

#lost #forgotten #unhappy #sad #sorrow #upset #depressed #guilty #grieving #empty