I am sitting in the waiting room
underwear off
On a chair that hasn’t been clean since it was installed
Goosebumps trail down my exposed back
The ties of my blue hospital dressing gown
the only barrier between me
and a room of fully clothed strangers  

I am sitting in a waiting room
my eyes are burning
and I wish for nothing more
then to have some type of dignity left
But I put it in the white pillow case they give
after telling you to strip yourself of everything you are
It sits between my legs  
And just like that I am a blank slate
(Nothing more and a little less than what they need me to be)

I am sitting in a waiting room
And I am the smallest person in every room I walk into
These ones always make me feel smaller

When I am finally laid to rest
I want to walk up to those pearl gates
Show them
my blood drenched hands of good intentions

(Look at what I’ve done in the name of love)

When I am finally laid to rest
I want to look at those angels
plead to them  
these sins of mine
Take em please
I need you to endure them
(Show me Show me Show me)
What forgiveness looks like  

- I’ve spent my entire life giving out forgiveness like it cost me nothing

I’m not trying to ruin all
Your(our) pretty lies
But I do not think I can go down
This Road that we’ve built  for our future
I know when the sun melts into the trees
I'll be standing on this cliffs edge with nothing but regret
If I stay here playing house with you
The love lost between us has jagged edges
And I do not want our children caught on them
The tension laid taunt and suffocating between us
has encased us so wholly that I must break it first before we suffocate
moving swiftly
I climb off this precipice we’ve run ourselves onto
Listen darling
I’ve reached through time and if I leave now
I'll see you aged older with a fond kindness instead of bitter hate
Lets us mature into the people who put down guilt and anger
In the name of what this love has gifted us instead

-I gave you a younger version of my heart thank you for doing good by it
-it's time to go

I fought a war
I won
Maybe
See, sometimes I’m not sure if I did
because the war is over
but my hands are still dripping red
they drip all over this better future I’m trying to build

I am opening the ledger to my childhood
I can taste dust, sweat, and tears
I can taste innocence again
only now it feels wrong
like I should have known better
They took home from me
gave me scraps and told me to grow
"Big and strong baby you have battles to fight."
years later I am finally learning
how to take a deep breath
without my own blood choking at my lungs
with only my mistakes to pay the consequences for
I drip far less over this better future I am building


-Would you call me a martyr if I told you how many times I sacrificed myself for my future?

On nights that bleed their way into early mornings-
I’m long past giving my nightmares space to dream
Anger has given away to panic
as my fingers weathered and creaked
try to trade in the tidal of emotions for the memory it belongs too
yet I can never calm down enough
to reach what’s waiting on the other side for me
Standing before dawn
all of the remembered mantra's
I’ve spent weeks collecting
slip right through my hands taking everything with them


- The white out of everything else