The marks on my neck
Do nothing to ease my pain
Do nothing to ease my fears
Do nothing to ease my despair

They only remind me
That I'm here on my own
That I'm here in memories
That I'm here without you

And I'm forced to imagine
All the men staring at you
All the things you're going through
All the things that remind you

And I'm forced to remember
The look in your eyes
The curve of your smile
The feel of your hand

I can't think without you
I can't sleep without you
I can't eat without you
I can't live without you

Your heart
Is ev'rything
That matters to my own,
I am struggling to live like this.
I know too well that I'll never be yours.
But I'm learning to live with it.
Your friendship is worth it.
You have filled it
My heart

If only I could comfort you,
And be a shoulder to cry on.
If only I could be there for you,
And be a warmth you can rely on.
If only I could brighten the sky for you,
And become something you can depend on.

Alas, I cannot,
Seems I only know how to make it worse;
I simply cannot
Understand why you choose to keep this curse.

You still mean each one,
Even though you mean them differently.
These are feelings I should shun,
But they mean too much to me.

Misery after euphoria,
Euphoria after misery.
Every moment, new dysphoria,
Every kind act feels like trickery.

So round and round
In a circle I go,
What semblance of truth I've found
Has been quickly lost in the flow.

A puncture
Leaking life through suture
Surrounding existence
Dying without a chance
For worthwhile meaning
Or rebellious screaming
Against the institution
That perverted your prostitution
For it's own benefit
Uncaring if a flame goes unlit

And so you're gone
How brightly you could have shone
A mind so effervescent
And a life so incandescent

Waxwork drips down
A colourful wick burned brown

And a single plate
That can carry no more hate

How am I to live?
When this vow goes unbroken?
Too silent;
Too long.

A single dream
Was all it took to break me

A life far more complex than mine,
I'll grant that it was not ideal.
A life filled with choices too asinine
to consider how it would make me feel
But doing anything, to look as right in that dress,
An honest truth, admittance, I'll acquiesce.

All it took to break me
Was to wake up from that dream

What can our next step be?
This valley is becoming so deep.
Sheer cliffs either side of me,
Pressing in ever further to keep
Me restricted in this place.
Does the sight of myself harm me so?
I'm the first to admit I'd do anything to erase
This body that keeps my spirits so low,
But this catch 22 I find myself in
Is a low even I do not wish to partake.
****** if I do, if I don't, I can't win,
And even still I'm worrying these feelings are fake.
I've sunk too far to hope to surface.
I'm drowning in depths of my own despair.
I tried to find my life at my own pace,
But I guess I forgot to come up for air.

The future is a place of terror to me,
Uncertain truths and dwindling returns.
The people around me fade out,
Or perhaps I'm the one lost in the background?
There isn't some international lost and found
Where old and new friends can simply shout
To allow me to return feelings I once spurned;

A future alone is all I can see.

Letters and emails
Emerge like hideous weeds
They serve one purpose

They all remind me
Of all my failings in life
I am stranded here

My life is one born of instinct;
I act, I do not think.
Your accusations are indistinct,
but rational.
How could I possibly argue your truth?
Still, I feel my heart sink.
Perhaps I'm too lost in my youth.
My intrinsic patterns proved fatal.

Calling me a prepubescent child felt unneeded though.

Tick
Tick
Tick
Against my wrist
Against my mind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Forever pushing forward
Forever falling behind
Tick
Tick
Tick
Gears turning it's face
Gears turning my mind
Tick

Tick


Tick



Until this moment lasts forever

'they're both so manly'
I thought you would know better
Maybe you do know
Maybe you speak truth
But you're trampling my heart
And it hurts too much

It may seem minor to you
But to me it's so much more.
I know these flying beasts aren't new
And I know there's going to be more.

I need warmth and comfort,
Not ridicule.
Yet you seem to relish discomfort;
You enjoy making me feel a fool.

I feel utterly alone

A fictional home,
In a fictional town,
Walls and fences made of data,
Without any tangible meaning.

Yet it's here it happens
Without fail, every time,
My eyes fall on the mat on the floor,
And they grow misty with tears.

A day upon a day, with a thousand days more;
Stretching out afore me, too far to be sure,
Can I even make it? The end seems too far,
But I will take that first step.

A step upon a step, with a thousand steps more;
Passing each moment, more confident than before.
I have decided to make it, I don't care how far.
I'll keep on walking.

It's all the small things
That keep me pinned to the ground.
A thousand thousand grains of sand
Each a weight beyond me,
Each a weight I cannot bear.
I hate it.
I hate that I can't fix it.

Overdesign can **** a dream;
It's tearing my plot straight down the seam.
But it's okay to take a step back.
Maybe it is just focus I lack,
But I have more ideas.

And it's okay to work on something different.

A moment more akin to eternity,
Yet an option otherwise is something to fear.
I have days when I want her,
Yet more days when I don't.
I must live without the clarity
Of what I really want so dear;
Maybe it's simpler to just endure,
Even if I know I won't.

The loneliness hurts,
But it's all I know.

I've had twelve whole hours
I could pen a masterpiece
This haiku will do

Perhaps I could solve all this,
These problems we're drowning under.
People around me are faking bliss,
As if their worries don't tear them asunder.
But it has to weigh on them too.
I'm not the only one gasping for air.
They've strength to put on a brave face, and do
Everything they can to survive a life unfair,
Maybe I could too, had I that drive,
The flame within to see my hopes flowered
Into something that makes me proud to be alive,
Or maybe, I could finally be a coward.

I'm fully aware of risk I take;
Gambling again that I'll even wake,
But the rush is addicting.
Clamping a hand down, inflicting
A state upon myself I cannot
Escape from, time and again I allot
More chances for it all to go wrong.
I'll sing my final swansong.

A void lies empty,
Debris clanging off of me,
Drifting silently.

A radio calls out,
Chatter from a time gone by,
Static fills my ears.

They ponder and scream,
Dead voices, suspended here;
A nightmare outside.

Synapses flashing,
Broadcasting new pain to me;
Memories not mine.

No time to live now,
Too long living in the past,
I'm lost in subspace.

A glare bores into the back of my skull,
I can feel it when I look away.
It exudes more pressure each night and day
And leaves my nerves too full.

Whenceforth does it spring from?
This gaze that drills deep into me?
Why must it lie where I cannot see,
Intent on making me numb?

I'm left adrift in an auburn sky,
Horizons choked black by dust and ash,
Flung up by frustrations and actions too brash,
And ever-longing wishes to die.

Should I feel shame?
I do.
Your affections seem so tame,
So simple and easy for you,
It's something that comes natural.
It isn't your fault my heart is so fractal.

I sit here, overcome with envy,
I wear it as easily as I breathe.
It isn't a shade that suits me;
At least, that's what I like to believe.
I selfishly crave everything you have,
Because it is everything I cannot have.

Will never have.

Can never have.

The jealous do not prosper.

Grotesque
Disgusting
Three sizes beyond the max

But that's reality

It's the things we cannot change that hurt us
And my life is completely unwanted

She called me a lady
And it made me happy.

Nobody was hurt,
or wanted to flirt;

Just a seller, doing her job.
Making me happy enough to sob.

So why is it so hard for you?

I had a poem ready, a light-hearted ode
To identities I'd rather have,
And lives I'd like to live.
But in hindsight seems insensitive,
Simple references to machines of war,
Turn from what was implied.
Because the inference is the key
And right now such things are taboo,
Not from some self-important sense of justice,
but because of the nightmares we're about to live through.
I can only pray;
Wishing this isn't what we are.

Woolen caps and puffy coats
The crowd yet further bloats
On and on and another one yet
Totaling an ever higher net
No room to breathe here
Claustrophobia
Rising
Rising
A thousand thousand men
A ***** glare too often
A single crimson strand
Hidden in the most common brand
Alone
Alone
Forever

The rain soaks through my skin to bone,
Holding me here as I push forth alone;
To forgive of sins I've refused to atone.
But as my feet bare cold against hardened stone
The voices return to me, a ceaseless drone
Of hatred and misgivings too oft overblown,
And I lose myself again, refusing to condone
Every action I've taken, creating a throne

Of self-important misery.

But then I see your eyes afore me,
And I find my place again.

A centum of poetic prose
Presented daily from this fractured soul
A veritable storm of highs and lows
As I've stretched to make myself whole

At the start, I was skeptic,
Never believing I could take myself this far,
But through a life dysphoric and narcoleptic,
I'm proud to say this doesn't seem bizarre.

It's not quite a third ways through,
But I'm maintaining a strong pace.
So, as I continue to write about you,
I hope you'll help me find my place.

This place feels safer
This blanket of night holds me
I thought you would know

But I guess I'm wrong
My eyes cannot see the truth
Because you're long gone

I think I'll miss you
But only when I'm awake
Always preferred sleep

By my own will, I am undone,
This truth I cannot deny.
Sins that I cannot condone
Run rife in me as I continue to cry
About ev'ry misstep I've taken
In this life I've long since forsaken.

Dreams of love, success, and joy,
All these things are nothing now.
As fate befell the walls of Troy,
So too am I laid low.
Though now I can hardly see your face,
I pray you take me to your warm embrace.

Away from the troubles of this world I see,
Where the wishes of the poets and dreamers
Are trampled underfoot of wishes to be free
Of the sycophants and their schemers,
Take me where my troubles seem large,
And hold me there, let me recharge.

Then, finally, when all is light,
When my body feels akin to a feather,
Take me away on your sunset flight
To a land I need not weather.
Hold my head close to your chest,
And praise me for trying my best.

Her eyes are so pretty
Her fur is so fluffy
I tried to be witty
With a name so strange

Yet now I see her
A kitty like this
A name like that
Listening to her purr
Listening to her hiss
Perfect for a cat-pat

How did this happen

Faulted over and over
For making a personal sacrifice
What, exactly, turns your glare so dark?
Do you see an insult or a takeover?
Or do you think this is some meaningless vice,
Just the beginning of an inferno's first spark?

Neither of us is happy here.
What part of that is unclear?

This run cancelled your plans
Yet somehow I feel relieved.

Perhaps I need to think about myself more,
Rather than accepting more tasks to endure.

How cruel fate must be,
To turn me against my kin.
My desperation is becoming too thick to see
Any kind of retribution from this sin;
This sin of the face I wear, this prison of a body,
I hate them for being closer to freedom.
This furious envy I have come to embody
Suffocates me as the sinners of *****.
I'm losing myself to the darkest pits
Of my hideous mind, gnarled and rotten,
And that stink of selfishness now befits
This monster who has all but forgotten
What it was ever like to live free;
The gods themselves will not forfend
This state of being I deserve to be.
This nightmare will not end.

A sheet upon a sheet with a thousand more,
Clogging up spaces and fields galore,
Sealed together by blood and disease,
Yet scattered and thrown by a gentle breeze.
These remnants are a danger.
To myself, my family, any stranger,
So they'll be disposed away.
Yet frequency means the stack will stay.

I know not how to justify
Any concern my own life brings me.
Nothing I'm living through
Can top the horror that awaits.
I wished we were better than this

Is it wrong?
My identity?
Love cannot exist in guilt,
I know how I'm seen;
I'm not that.

She always felt too many things,
For anyone else and herself.
A good deed's a reward in of itself,
Yet she drowns in the pain it brings.

How long can this heart keep beating;
It's valves clogged with webbing and dust?
Doses of envy, gluttony, and lust,
They dig deep within; they sting.

A moment's joy is stolen away,
Any hope of love long since forgotten,
Her soul overgrown, gnarled and rotten.
It's within silence she chooses to stay.

Feelings renege by living causality;
A defence against feeling too much.
Those desires for contentedness, joy, and such,
Could only make way for apathy.

I've nothing to give
To the discussions of my betters;
The unscalable wall that lies
Between my thoughts and theirs.
Moments like this make it hard to live,
My motivation fetters.
None listen for comments or cries,
I'm seperate from the other's cares.

It's times like this:
Listening to friends,
I'm truly alone.

The thoughts of dark that plagued my mind,
That which turned me repulsive, unkind,
Have seeped away, what remains I find
To be comfort, warmth; I'm no longer blind.

I'd thrash about in the rain and the cold,
Hiding bitter hatred better left untold.
The stagnation spread through me as a cursed mold.
And alone in that alley I sullenly strolled.

But what's this? A bright light, too bright to see,
Shining it's purifying grace unto me.
The wonders of joy, untamed and free,
The haven amidst the grim, stormy sea.

It was there that I found them, the ones
Who had freed me from subconscious drones
Of no worth and pale hatred, once upon the thrones
That controlled what I was and made me throw stones.

I stretched out my hand, selfish, self-serving,
Yet they took me in, their kindness unnerving,
And I learned to smile bright, to forget all my moaning,
And finally saw the sun rise up on my turning.

Deeds in the mail;
They'll make me female
In the eyes of the law
I've had to endure.

Even though the world is **** right now,
Filled with people who won't allow
Me to be who I know I am;
I can be me, thankyou ma'am.

I can be happy, for at least a little while.

Esoteric rants about meaningless interests,
Taken from too far within to be ignored by
Every person I've pushed my words onto, have
Reared themselves into yet another group.
Nobody can be forced to speak, or should,
And yet I'm casting a line again and again,
Learning slowly that I never learned to talk.

If I could choose to rewind time
I wouldn't fix a mistake or crime.
I'd spin one day around and know,
I need ne'er again fear tomorrow

It all lost meaning because I didn't do it for me.
Getting all dressed up to the nines for everyone else
Took everything euphoric out of it all.

But now, I can see.
This time it was for myself.
It rose my heart too high to ever fall.

I lost my new identity
When it became a justification.
But I'm doing it all for me,
To hell with condemnation.